It's my destiny....

Forlorn, lonely, melancholy, desperate......... It's my destiny to be all of these and yet be happy upfront. A fake smile pasted on my lips, a mask to shield my emotions from prying eyes.... it's my destiny to put a thick cake of make up to hide the crease marks of my pain.

Yes, it's my destiny to sacrifice.... I was born to be so , I was raised to do so, I was pushed to live so........ a destiny of helpfulness and yet so helpless for own.

It's my destiny to give always , expecting no returns. No qualms about this, I have a knack for being there always... watching over my loved ones past and present, always forgiving yet not forgetting.... hence, my destiny to be a loner again and again.

It's my destiny... I opened the innings, I shall close it too.... back to the pavilion thou shalt be escorted by me. It's my destiny to make two people meet, to give away my love for a greater cause.. to handover the reins of my pleasure to someone who truly deserves to be by your side.

It's my goddamn destiny as always to give away what I cherish the most.... to wipe the tears from eyes not mine, to flood the world of others with happiness and walk away empty handed.

It's my destiny... and I created it.... No regrets at all.

I don't know...

I don't know, whether what I did just now was right or wrong.... I did what I did coz I felt like doing it and thought that was the right thing to do.

I can help someone make it or break it. I prefer it if they make it. You can't waste a decade of togetherness in a moment of anger and just leave. No, come back, go back to the one you pine for. Make your lover yours once again. There's no tomorrow, there is this moment. Pick your phone, call him, tell him you love him too and pack your bag and reach out for him. He is lonely, he is hurting too. You can do it. He has taken the step forward, you can take one towards him. Forget your ego, forget your pride... Love is above all these emotions.

Gather your flock, rush to him with open arms. He is waiting for you. He is aching for you. He remembers not your harsh words, he remembers your smell. He seeks you in every damsel he meets and returns home forlorn and lonely. Go, fill his world with your love again ... he is lonely and hurting ..... only you can make him happy.

He is incomplete without you, go complete him. He is a half read poetry, read the verses and give it a positive note. Only you can do it, no one else can do it.

I don't know, if what I did was right, I believe I did the right thing. If I can bring two hurting people back together again... I would have erased all their pain.... I know I would attain a heavenly bliss and hold no remorse ever.

I don't know, why I did it... but am glad I did it. There's no looking back. He belongs not to me, it's a realisation.... something that hurts and gives pain but that's what selfless love is all about. Letting go.... I don't know...

There comes a time....

There comes a time.... when one has to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea.

A deep thought and you are on your way to either make history or just fade away into the oblivion.

A time to dwell on the pros and cons of what really matters to you and what can be discarded.

You have lived life on your terms and come to a crossroad where you have to choose between continuing with the same monotony or just tread on the path that has opened up but with its own options and conditions, ones that are not your own. A path which is unknown and not recommended by well wishers. Then, what do you do? There comes a time when you have to decide, which option to choose.... your decision, no one else to blame if things don't work out.

You are alone in this journey and the choice is yours to make. What you do with your life is your business. But, don't hurt people on the way, take them along. If they choose to follow you, fine... take them along... else walk on. Remember, you are the rolling stone that gathers no moss.

There comes a time, when you have to walk alone.... tow the line that binds you and then sever it with one final strike and move on, alone into the horizon. A place not known to conscious mind... a place you will presumably find peace after a brief hiatus on Earth... a place not known but only talked about.

There comes a time, when you just carry on with your duties and then responsibilities cease to exist at one point and you are a blank.... coz you haven't thought of what to do when you would be all alone with no one to give you company... no one to ask your welfare.... no companion, you are just a burden and lonesome and hurting, with nowhere to go ... coz you gave all your life for others and never thought of your own interests. When you gave selflessly of yourself and in your twilight, when you had nothing to give , you were alone ... solitary and melancholy, miserable and lonely.

Cheer up. There comes a time, when you look back and say.... It was a life well lived... no regrets.... and given a chance would live it exactly the same way once again. Yeah! That's the spirit.... that's the motivating factor.... move on, explore the world.... there's so much more to discover... so much more to give. There is an abundance of love within you, go out and spread the smile. Make light of your life and spread the sunshine, you were born to be different... to be sacrificial and beautiful in your own way. The glow on your face tells all..... speaks volumes of all the blessings you have received in your short life span... there's more... at the end of the rainbow...go after it, it's yours to receive and share with the rest of the world.

There comes a time..... when you just let go..... and vaporise into the cosmos..... that time is yet to come... till then do good unto others and spread the smile......... give of yourself unconditionally and see the difference you make .... in the lives, you touch and harbour no remorse.... everything happens for a reason, happens for good... there is a reason for your existence, you were born to give, you were born to be the beacon of light everyone needs at some point or the other in their lives. You were created for a greater purpose..... do it well. Your time has come... Rise and shine.

There comes a time... And your time has come... make the most of it. Make someone happy..... you will be happy too. ;-)

Damn this anger.......

Damn this anger, which dwells within me. Damn the resentment I feel. Why does it rear its ugly head every time I am happy? Why is it not pleased to see me smile?

Damn this anger, which stops me from understanding. Damn it, coz it makes me a shallow beast. All common sense is lost. All reasons fail. The momentary lapse makes me lose everything. I turn into a stranger, a stranger I wanna avoid but cannot.

Is it really anger? Or a sense of insecurity that prevails. The feeling that nothing is permanent hence this will go too. I am losing it I guess. Sanity is a far fetched word in my dictionary. Everything seems to be falling apart. I need a respite, else I will be lost forever. Damn this insanity called anger.

I just seem to have lost it. Getting perturbed by nothing at all. Anything and everything seems to trigger a chain reaction as explosive as the solar flares on the Sun. Everything boils down to insecurity, lack of empathy and a deep rooted feeling that's a problem that I shall never be happy. Why do I end up feeling insecure? Why do I not trust anyone anymore? What is it that binds me to loneliness? Why is it difficult to accept things as they are? Why can't I move on? Why do I end up getting stuck on the past?

Am I really scarred for life? Damned to the deep dark ghettos of melancholic solitariness, do I ever stand the chance to resurrect myself? Why can't I stop hurting myself and others? What anger is it that is so vehemently predominant in my being that it doesn't let go, it just eats me up from within like cancer. Do I ever have hope of salvation from my demons of the past?

It seems , am the very epitome of God's creation gone awry. Am proof that there is no hope for fools. Am an example of something gone wrong somewhere. Am living proof that all hope is lost. Why am I such a prick? Why am I sozzled by my own emotions? Why do I overlook the genuineness in the other person? Why do I block out faith and trust? Why oh why?

Damn this anger, damn this insecurity, damn myself..............

Colours of Spring....

Yes, I am colouring my life's canvas with the colours of spring. Spring with it's various hues of summery colours and bright new leaves and fresh smell of flowers... fragrant and beautiful. What a life? It's a springy lite life.

The colours have invaded my senses. They have made my emotions their home. Am beaming with the shades of bright colours and the glow on my face shows the love in my life. The love that has illuminated the dark corridors of an inglorious past. The love that has given a new meaning to an otherwise dull subsistence.

Love has brought forth a new colour in my list of favourite colours. Earlier the list consisted of shades of black, blue and grey.... today it has pink, cream, yellow, orange, purple, violet, green and white.

The rainbow is mine to keep forever....

Come to think of it...

It's been one roller coaster ride..... this life of mine, with its thrills and frills. Come to think of it, man am I glad, I took this ride... It's been crazy but adventurous. Have loved every moment of it ..... in a flashback mode of course. At that moment, it was painful but now when I look back, there's no remorse.

Come to think of it, am happy it happened the way it did, every moment, every person taught me something.

Come join my bandwagon my love, coz there's more drama left in life. Many more moments of exalt, many more mountains to climb. Together, we shall make this journey... together we shall conquer all over fears... together we shall make a new life for ourselves and our loved ones. A new shelter filled with love and laughter and lots of beautiful moments to capture.

Come to think of it, it will be fun... with you tickling my funny bone and jokes galore in our day to day life. the very thought of being together, brings a smile to my lips and am transported to a dream world.

Looking forward to a life filled with the best of wishes and blessings from near and dear ones. A life with sugar and spice and all that's nice and lots of happiness. Come to think of it..... not a bad idea at all.

Love you for seeking me out. Love you forever.

Wake up....

Wake up.... get moving... unload that baggage you are carrying.... time to move on.

Time is a great healer. Yes, memories remain.... they are the foundations, if good and strong; you can rebuild your life on.

Am rebuilding my life. Refurbishing the interiors. Renovating the infrastructure. Time to change, time to wake up.

The awakening moment was exhilarating. It was a beautiful dawn. A stillness enveloped me and I was delirious... floating freely in that moment. Words can't describe what I felt at that moment. Tumultuous moment.... waking up time.

Deep spiritual awakening, got me up and about. Today, am untouched by the pressures that build up in the course of every normal human life. Am not alone in anymore.... there is someone who has joined in my journey and am I glad, he is there by my side. Now, I smile always, just for him. The thought of meeting him one day finally, brings a smile to my lips. Pure bliss.... the thought of waking up in his arms someday. Pure heaven..... the desire to die in his arms one day.

But, for now.... waking up is all I know, each morning to his deep voice and looking into his eyes, albeit we are miles apart..... waking up is all I know.

Happiness...

Must confess, am happy..... very happy. Touchwood.

God, may this state of being remain forever.

A feeling, I kept hidden under lock and key for ages,

Waiting for the right key to fit in.

Now that I have found the key, won't lose it again.

The key to happiness is to follow one's heart.

And, that's what I am going to do.

For long, I waited in the corridors,

searching for my loved one.

For long I yearned for him,
to hold me in his arms.

I won't let him go this time,

I won't let him lose his way.

He is too precious to be let loose in this big bad world.

He needs me and I need him.

For long, we searched for each other,

For long, we looked out in vain,

Not this time, no more waiting for the go ahead,

we are beyond all.

We were meant to be together,

we were meant to fuse.

We were meant to experience pain,

To know the true feeling of happiness,

When one gets love.

It's a feeling that remains forever,

giving that sweet ache, that lovers crave for.

Happiness is what has enveloped me,

I don't want to come out of this cloud.

This is a feeling, I can't describe.

Let me live in this bliss.

Happiness, contentment and pure ecstasy.... Thank you for bringing me alive.

What to believe and what not to believe...

Honesty is a such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..... Billy Joel

One of my favourite songs and am completely identifying with it at this moment.

Lies and scandals rock the horizon. I thought I was untouched by those vices, am hurting coz I am not. They have touched me and gripped me in their tangled web. Am hurting because, the one I trusted the most wasn't honest with me. As the story unfolds, am left flabbergasted at my naivety. Was it so or plain stupidity, mocking me in my face and saying I am an idiot.

Am hurting and hurting real bad. Honesty was one thing I expected from you and that's what evaded me. Why didn't you tell me everything? Why, Oh why?

In my enthusiasm, I forgot there was a world beyond us. In my glee, I forgot everything else and the ways of the world. I knew it somewhere deep down that happiness can never be mine, it avoids me always. Unhappiness has reared its ugly head again to consume me in its fire. What am I to do? What to believe and what not to believe...

Should I trust my heart and go ahead, breaking all other ties? Should I listen to the world and its hoard of gossip mongers and forever let go of what I believe in and in whom I believe in and trust with all my heart?

I won't..... I won't believe others. I shall follow my heart and my heart says, don't let go. I will stand beside you and brave the storm. We shall overcome the hindrances and make a beautiful world together.... You, me and the kids.

I believe you... there's no doubt about it.

Once in a blue moon...

I can, so I am.....

That's my mood today.... one full of Attitude.

And, pray why not... I deserve it. Don't I?

Oh God! Don't let me get carried away in this super unjust mood.

It ain't right for me to be so. But, what the heck! Once in a blue moon mood swing ain't bad.

It's like chocolate, a bit here and there ain't bad at all.

Not at all, but I shouldn't get carried away in this momentary glory.

Somebody stop me..........

Your undying love for me is making me a proud woman.

Proud yes, but it's affecting my ego.

I don't want to be selfish. But once in a blue moon....... a bit of ego ain't that bad at all.

Today, I am flying high.

Today, I am living on love and fresh air.

Today, I am totally and uninhibited in love.

Lemme be. Once in a blue moon, lemme soar high.

Pinch me! Yes, pinch me, coz I can't believe that it's really you.

My love, my soul, my life........ Don't ya wake me from this dream.

Let this journey continue for eternity, I really don't wanna wake up.

Am floating in a delirious coma....... Don't ya wake me.

But, once in a blue moon pinch me... to tell me that this really is true.

Thank you God!!! Thank you so much for bringing this angel of love in my life.

He has turned my take on life.

And my belief in you has become stronger and stronger.

Let this path become concrete.

Let me be the path breaker.

Let me just be.... be happy in this moment and forever in his arms.

Once in a blue moon, do pinch me , to lemme know, you are there always.

My faith has stood the test of time.

My belief pulled me through.

So what, if I display an attitude?

It's just plain me and my idea of flaunting what I have got.

Once in a blue moon, just lemme be... just lemme be selfish for a while.

Just lemme be in his arms.... once in a blue moon just lemme be, who I am... His and solely HIS.

You have promised me....

You have promised me heaven on Earth.

You have given me a reason to smile.

You have given me the role of a lifetime.

You have given me centre stage.

You are the enigma , I am crazy about.

You are my whole and soul.

You offered me a dream, I can't refuse.

You offered yourself on a platter, it's tempting.

You shall remain forever stuck in the chords of my heart.

You have carved a niche', the first strike in my heart.

No one could match the force of the strike.

You are what shall remain , when I am gone.

You and I make beautiful music together.

The rhythm, the rhyme makes us sway.

You are here to stay and stay forever you shall.

You have promised me a bed of roses.

You have promised me a bottle of wine.

You are what makes it sweet.

You are the secret ingredient in the recipe of life.

Nothing will ever change this equation, you and me together score an infinity.

You have promised me a dream, a dream to live for.

I love you and your promises... coz you have promised me yourself.

This day, this moment I pledge my allegiance to you.

You make my world a beautiful place to live in.

Believe me, I look no further coz there's nothing beyond you.

You can rip this heart apart and yet it will take your name as it always did before.

You are my start and you are my end.

I love you and you love me, that's what makes us different from the rest.

Our love stood the test of time.

Our love withstood the ravages of time.

Our love is what fables are written about.

Our love is the epitome of purity in the face of insanity.

You have promised me undying love, I promise you the same.... I love you my love.

Loving you......

Loving you isn't enough.

Loving you I found the path to pure bliss and heaven.

If heaven looks so beautiful, I wanna remain there forever.

Loving you isn't enough.

I need you ever more so now.

I crave you ever more so now.

If yearning is what this love is all about, I love the pain.

I wanna go on loving you and yearning for you forever.

Loving you isn't enough.

I hold my pillow ever so tight , every night.

I hold onto fantasies that never took flight.

I hold onto memories that fade into the distant night.

Loving you isn't enough for a night..... I need you every night, my Knight.

Loving you, I grew up.

I don't know when I blossomed from a bud into a flower.

Loving you was all I knew.

I searched you in every dark corner of the world.

Loving you, I threw myself into fire,

The flames consumed me but not my desire.

Loving you isn't enough..I love you a lot.

Hurting you.........

Hurting you wasn't what I intended , but you left me with no choice. I was hurting too, somewhere deep down I still do. It wasn't meant to end the way it did...... hurting you was not what I had in mind.

Today, when I look back and pull our relationship apart piece by piece, I realize it was doomed from the beginning itself. As Kafi Bulleh Shah rightly put it, you are a Ramtaa Jogi, flowing water which cannot stay still at any given place or point in time. You were meant to touch our lives and go. So feel liberated that there's no ill feeling towards you just a sigh that it ended so bitterly.... leaving an aftertaste which wouldn't allow me to ever trust another person again.

After a lot of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I had to give you the benefit of doubt for you know not what you are doing. You have too many issues and aches and pains to deal with in your life and you are alone. You don't want to share your pain with anyone, but expect people to be around you. How can anyone understand you, if you move with a placard around your neck saying ' Do not Disturb'? Your loneliness is your own doing.... Your melancholic demeanor is a direct result of you thwarting people away and closeting yourself in the confines of your own four walls of depression.

You got a shot at life, you missed. Hurting you wasn't in my agenda. So, harbor no illusions that I shall ever turn and look back searching for you, I won't. I was there, you overlooked and went ahead after trivial pursuits in life. I was left standing staring at blank space, with nothing to do and no one to look forward to. I was stranded, I was marooned by the one person who I solely depended upon. I had to move on, I wasn't alone... I had to pick up the shards of my life and go on living for my loved ones. Ones, who being young still stood by my side and were my strength.

Hurting you was never there in my list.... but you left me no choice.

Designs.........

I have designs on you......... ;-)

Gotcha! Off guard!!

Yes, I do have designs on you..... designs to make a beautiful life together with you. Give you happiness that skirted you and went elsewhere. Yes, as you put it pretty well... It's never too late in life.

So what, if our youth has been lost somewhere down the line? We still have our enthusiasm bubbling youthfully within us. Right?

We still have some time left on Earth between us to forge a new beginning. Have no apprehensions, am there with you like a shadow, one step behind you, supporting you all the way. Even the shadow leaves you when it is night, I won't. I shall be the gentle breeze that will ruffle your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear and never let you down.

I do not write a very flowery ode ever. My words are simple and clear, no frills attached to them. They express what I feel in my heart and what I think in my mind. I do not mince words to convince you. I don't have to. I guess, you know me better than I do myself. Plain and simple, like my feelings for you, am a clear page where you write your poetry, so that we can make great music together some day. We have begun the journey, there's no looking back. I express myself through my words, coz I know you look forward to this opening of my heart everyday. I write for you and you only.

You have given me a reason to live life once again, and I am not going to let go of this moment with you. I cherish every word you say. I love you and every moment am with you virtually.

I love the way you look at me and it makes my heart flutter. I have dreams and designs.... designs on you.

More on memories.....

Memories linger on.... good and bad. I embraced my good memories and erased the bad ones. Had to ... the trauma from past relationships was pulling me down... there came a breaking point and I was at the precipice, the end of my journey, with nowhere else to go.... had to let go, to forge new bridges to cross the great abyss. When I took the plunge with faith, I swear the path came into full view and I started treading on it. My good memories helped build the bridge and it's a continuous process. The task of being in harmony and sync with goodness and happier times is an uphill one, but what the heck, am enjoying every bit of the adventure with a great guide by my side. this guide is my good memory, the only good thing I remember from my past......... he brings a smile to my weary lips every time I think of him and it is every second of the day.

Thank you my love, for coming back in my life. If it weren't for you, I would still be trudging the by lanes of memories and feeling sick about it. You have made me forget every ache and pain I felt all these years. You have given me the most memorable moments of my life... my memories to keep forever. These moments, these snippets of memories, I shall cherish forever... coz you are the lead character that makes this play a great success. The stage is set and we are the characters , we enact our roles, get into the skin of our characters and give the best performance of our lives. Let our life and times be a tale to tell for ages to come, seldom are love stories a success.... Ours is what history is made of, what old wives tales are made of.

Our memories, yours and mine would remain etched in the minds of the world. We would be the talk of the town and when our story is passed down from generation to generation, I am telling you my dear, we would find our place in history. We would be a pleasant memory and a great story for lovers, of tomorrow.

You and I, are no more a memory, we will make beautiful memories together.

Dreams....

Dreams are what all the stuff is made of. The world goes round coz of dreams. Dreams fuel every frenzy and invention.

I too have a dream. I dream of being in the arms of my lover, my paramour. Always remaining in those warm arms in an embrace for eternity. It's a dream... a dream only it might remain. But I can go on dreaming, no one can pull the reins in, to my dreams. No one can snatch my dreams away from me. No one can take them away from me.

My dreams make me complete, a whole. My dreams pull me on, egg me on to stay on the path, believing and praying, hoping someday they would come true. This time I won't be defeated by setbacks. Am going to stand tall and strong, I will wait. It's a sweet pain, am ready to gamble all for. My dreams are my own and I shall wait and watch.

I know he loves me too. We are bound by our limitations. I am ready to wait.... lifelong. I want to be the strength in his life not his weakness. I want to see him happy and smiling always.... am willing to lay down my life for his well being. I will go on dreaming, till my dreams come true.

Dreams will keep me warm, dreams will keep me on the track, dreams will give me a reason to smile and live. So am going to dream on.... always.

Memories...

With the passage of time, memories are all that one is left with. No one even to share it with. On a melancholy note each day, you are regaled with nostalgia of days bygone. Moments that will never visit you again. All you are left is with a few memorabilia of a past that seems as fresh as a daisy or as hazy as a fog.

Memories can liberate you or hold you down and not let you create new ones. It's like salt , the right amount brings forth the flavor and too much ruins the taste. If we constantly hold on to a past that could never be, we will ruin our present and future. So, stop delving in the past and look into the Now and the tomorrow.

We are all prisoners of time. Warped and wrapped in its folds. Memories then and now, good or bad are all stations along the way... our train has to chug along and make its stopovers depending on how big that station is.

Move on from memories that haunt you each day, each second... move on and create your new world. take that step forward and you will find there are countless who will join you in your journey.

Move on... Let go of your memories.

What am I getting into?

Am I doing the right thing at this moment? Is the moment right for what I am getting myself involved in? Am I really game for this entirely different ball game? Gosh, questions galore. The ultimate dilemma over what I intend to do with my life and times.

Should I go solo? Or, should I remain employed with somebody for the rest of my able life? Oh God! Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma and no solution in sight. So many lost opportunities to lament about and so many new avenues opening up.

Every which way, life at home will be disrupted. What should I do? Should I see my comfort or sacrifice it all as a mother? Opportunities seldom knock at your door, a new horizon beckons me, so does a new land. The lure of the green buck is tremendous but so is the tug at heart.

Should I be gone en route my journey to a brighter life ahead in a distant land or should I fore go everything for the company and laughter of my innocent ones? There is a lot to weigh as pros and cons, but what is it that I seek? Is it fortune and fame or a blissful life ahead?

The decision is not mine to make alone. The journey is not mine to go alone. There is a lot on stake here today, the lure of fame and fortune or the call of loved ones. Should I cling onto my belief or let go with my faith? A dilemma, a constant dilemma between belief and faith.

Of course, there is no one to question me. Yet, I query myself. There is no one to stop me, yet I halt and wonder. What is it that beckons me and what is it that stalls my feet?

I have lost my sleep over it again and again. Have come to no conclusion yet. Till when shall I dilly dally, when shall the dawn , dawn upon me. A dilemma, a constant dilemma; robbing me of my peace of mind, stripping me naked with half baked truth. What do I believe, my faith or my belief?

The strife in my mental make up continues, while I waste my time away. This dilemma is causing the world around me to tumble and come crashing down. What do I do, to rid myself of all my doubts and apprehensions? What do I do to get on ahead with my life? A dilemma, a constant dilemma robbing me of my peace of mind.

What am I getting into... ruing about my life? There is no ifs and buts, just a simple decision to make and a commitment to keep. What am I getting into.... I have connections to make and undertakings to take care of. There is so much to do, yet so little time. What am I doing, wasting my life away? What am I doing, dilly dallying my time away?

There is a lot to fathom, a lot to comprehend. I can't just dive in and take the plunge. What am I getting myself into? I don't know. There is a deep abyss behind me and a path enveloped in fog ahead. Where should I turn to..... into the unknown ahead or like a coward turn around?

The path is rugged and winds through unyielding terrain ahead, yet I desire to plow on, lest I be left behind. I have promised myself roses, aware that there are thorns attached to them. I have dreamt of stars in the dark aware of the distance between them and me. I have gifted life to me, aware of the cost involved in it.

What am I getting into... is no more a dilemma to me. I know for sure, there's no bed of roses awaiting me, yet am confident I can trudge alone. No doubt, the journey is long and lonesome, yet somewhere deep down, am sure , am not alone. There is a spirit guiding me, lighting the way ahead, with angels thrown in for added charisma and drama, to keep the travel entertained.

What am I getting into? A good question to ponder and wonder about. Now there is no time to waste on musings, it's the time to dream and dream big I shall.

Lost and Found.........

I was shattered when I lost you, I was elated when you found me. A cat and mouse game, some would say. The chase is on, is it? I don't know how to react.... so am pouring my feelings out. Am feeling so helpless, a hapless victim of circumstances. A victim of self created path of destruction.

Why do I have to go snooping around turning every stone upside down.... trying to find a past resplendent glory of yours? Why do I rake up muck, making it difficult for both you and me to seek happiness together? Why , oh why?

Why can't I remain happy in the knowledge that you love me ever so more? Why can't I be happy with thoughts of our union? Why can't I just be happy when you say you are there for life? Why can't I let go of past, yours and mine too? Why am I bound to matters long past... that don't hold an ounce of conviction in them anymore? Why, oh why?

It's happiness lost and found. I don't want to lose you again. Not anymore, shall I let anyone snatch you away from me. How selfish of me? Yet, all my life, I have given of me selflessly to what purpose? Today, I want to live, live for myself too. Am I wrong in desiring you, even today?

Tell me my love, that you will be there always. Pacify this sinking heart. Strengthen the bond between us. A bond no force can break. Am waiting, have waited far too long... Bless me and mend my broken wings.

Love you with all my heart and bared my soul to you. What more do you ask for?

I lost you and found you again.....

For your eyes only....

For your eyes only, do I express in words what otherwise would have been lost with the passing breeze.

For your eyes only, do I wake up each morning, to look into those expressive doe eyes and see the world of love just for me.

For your eyes only, do I make my state beautiful, to see the joy in those beautiful eyes on seeing me dressed just for you.

For your eyes only, do I express myself, coz I know you are the only one who is going to read what I write as it's only for you that I put down my thoughts and emotions everyday.

Each day you ask me, whether I have written anything and I write only for your eyes only.

Each night, I sleep in your arms looking into those beautiful eyes and for your eyes only I live each moment of my life.

For your eyes only....

When you look at me , it causes a flutter in my heart, a feeling that be known to lovers only.

When you express your undying love for me, I go jelly in my knees and wish I had wings to fly to you and be in your arms forever.

For your eyes only, I pour my heart out in a poetic rendition, coz I know you love every word I write for you.

For your eyes only, I keep my brazen self in check, coz it's only for you to see the wild child in me.

For your eyes only.......

For you this ice maiden will thaw, coz you have the fire that I keep hidden within the confines of the depth of my heart.

You have given a new meaning to my life then and now.... you are the harbinger of change within. Many came and left, they couldn't change me, they tried, they gave up.... but you just have to look at me and I melt. For you I can take on anything, even change for the better. For your eyes only does this person live an ever longing life.

You need not worry about my feelings changing for you, they never did in the last two decades, they won't ever. They only mature and become wiser with age and time. For your eyes only, does this soul exist.

For your eyes only.........

Euphoria!

Euphoria! A Beautiful feeling! Ask me... am in that state of bliss ever since I met you.

Life couldn't get any better. Am floating through varied levels of varied emotions... from a high to a low, to a state where one doesn't fathom what one is doing.

Am delirious with happiness....... pinch me...... Is this a dream or reality?

My days are incomplete and really do not kick start without seeing you come dawn, my day doesn't end with sunset or dusk but deep into the night it prolongs, with you until sleep takes control. There is an aura around you, a halo that attracts me to you like a moth to the flame.

Ever since you came back in my life, happiness has been travelling through my meandering veins.

Your astonishingly handsome persona has blown me off my feet again. Romantic Knights have disappeared with time, yet you remain eternal in my heart my Knight in shining armor.

Love isn't visible or tangible, love has no name nor a fancy dressing. It's pure ecstasy.

Every thing is as new as dew, just like the bloom in spring. Hope has sprung alive again... Living every moment and soaking in the joy.

I love you. Euphoria is back again!

Humorously yours ji...Shola aur Shabnam...

Aap shola ho toh mein shabnam hoon ji,

Aap aag ho toh mein Baraf ka gola hoon ji (heheheheh),

Kal tak hum judaa thei, aaj miley hain ji,

Ab bhi hum behti nadi ke do bichde kinaare hain ji,

Kal phir bhi hum sagar mein jaa milenge ji...

Aap shola ho to mein shabnam hoon ji.

Aapki nigaahein jis tarah se hamein dekhti hain ji,

Aisa lagta hai hum pighalene lage hain ji,

Aap ne jo apna dil e jigar hamein diya toh ji,

Lagta hai jaise yeh jahan hill gaya ji.

Yeh jo ishq hai ji,

ek ibadaat hai ji,

Aasan nahi hai yeh safar ji,

Manzil abhi bahut door hai ji.

Aap shola ho to hum shabnam hain ji.

Ek guzaarish hai ji,

Iss bechaain dil ko,

Na todna ji,

Har baar yeh girr kar uth nahi sakta ji,

Ab toh hamara budaapa bhi kareeb hai ji.

Aap shola ho toh hum shabnam hain ji,

Aap laava hain toh hum baraf ka gola hain ji (lol).

Kids this is for you....Sapnon ka Saudagar......

Sapnon ka Saudagar aaya,

Le lo tum sapney naye, Tumse kismet khel chuki, Ab tum kismet se khelo.....

Beautifully worded song. Without a captain let your ship reach it's port.... You be the captain of the ship. Take on your Freedom headlong, but with freedom comes responsibility. Don't forget that. I haven't forgotten.

Each new dawn brings with it new challenges, we must meet these challenges with a smile and confidence. The moment we lose faith in ourselves and our dreams, we collapse into a heap and it sets us back.

You have your future beckoning you, where's the worry and certainly there is no hurry. Take your time. But, know this for sure, that this lady is there by your side always. I may not support your wild ideas always but I won't stop you. Learn from your mistakes, just like I did. I shall not teach you, I shall inspire you to take the right decision. Let my life and times be your guide.

Know this for sure, Guys, am always gonna be there when you stumble and fall. I shall back you in every endeavour of yours, come hail or thunderstorm. But, blistering typhoons, don't rub me on the wrong side, for then I shall be a torrent of well worded unjustness at that moment. But, know this for sure, I will be there for you always.

There is a lot to say, but this is enough for the time being coz I know you are disturbed today and need this little bit of gyan from me.

Bye babies.... Love you guys.

What does it matter...

What does it matter if I am in a loving relationship?

What does it matter if I am loving every moment of being in love?

What does it matter if I live life on my terms?

What does it matter if the world knows?

What matters is whether I am happy...

What matters is he is happy...

What matters is people related to us are happy.... Are they?

I guess they would be, once they know. they have been through the ups and downs with us, they know us well and will be the happiest in our happiness. Of course there would be lots of questions to be answered and a lot of answers to be questioned. I am ready for it, but are YOU?

Today, a lot is occupying my thoughts. A lot is churning within. A lot to contemplate. A lot to introspect.

What do I want? I don't know. Does it matter? Maybe it does. We aren't living separate to the world. We are living in conjunction with the world. For every thing, we are so dependent on people around us, the society et al. Their opinion matters. Does it really? No, it doesn't. If it did, then we should matter to them too. Where is everybody when we are going through our turmoils alone? Nobody matters.

It's just you and me. We have to decide, what is it that we want from life? What is it we want from each other? What is it that we are looking forward to? What is it that got us together? What is it that makes us tick? What does it matter.....

By the way, what is it that would make me TICK? Just asking.

Another day filled with sunshine and your smile...

Yet another day, starting with you....

Yet another sunshine bright and beautiful,

Coz I am with you.

We are miles apart ,

Yet so near,

two hearts beating together,

Yearning for each other,

It's a beautiful feeling,

One needs to feel it ,

to know what true love is all about.

I love the way you look at me,

I love the way you make me feel,

Special and loved...

That's what was missing all these years,

And now I have an abundance of your love........

TOUCHWOOD!!!

Keep loving me,

I crave for your love and smile,

Nothing matters more than your happiness.

You have given me a lifetime of joy,

Just by being there, Just by seeking me out....

Nothing else matters now.... Just you and me.

Let's flow with this feeling,

Let's seek ultimate bliss,

Just by being there for each other...

Nothing else matters anymore.

Destiny separated us,

Destiny brought us together,

Let's not waste this reunion,

Let's just be who we are,

Lovers all the way...

In every which way....

Nothing else matters.

Yet another day, filled with the brightness of your smile,

Yet another day in your company,

Yet another day filled with dreams,

Yet another day..... wishing I was in your arms,

Yet another day, waking up and feeling blessed...

Nothing else matters anymore....

Just you and me... on a different plane..

Away from the rest of the world...

Just you and me in eternal bond...

A bond called love....

Love that legends are made of...

let the world remember us for that...

We shall become immortal in this fire...

That tests us forever.

Nothing else matters but your smile.... I Love you.

On a Platonic Note....

Hmmmmmm.... Platonic.... far fetched thought in today's world, but yes possible.

A man and woman can really love each other and yet remain the best of friends. It's possible. I have a lot of friends and they love me a lot but that doesn't mean we have an otherwise relationship. We are there for each other when one or the other is down and out, totally worn out by the rigors of life.

I am their muse, I am their support, I am in their thoughts, I bring a smile to their weary lips... that doesn't mean anything but that I am dependable and they can count on me when the need arises. This relationship is platonic.

I love my friends and they love me. We are there for each other though we are thousands of miles apart, we haven't met in ages... yet we are there for each other , thanks to technology. This is being platonic.

Our world is torn apart by strife, we need to bring the level of tension down for each other. Get the bubbliness of youth and freshness of childhood in our relationships. Be there for loved ones , one and all. All because, life is like a lemon, bitter outer rind and sour within. It's up to us to add sugar and make it into a refreshing lemonade. Right? It's all in our hands, what we make of our life and our feelings and how we present it.

I am a sucker for love. Anybody who expresses it wholeheartedly is welcome in my life coz I don't believe in breaking hearts. Term it platonic, my relation to others feelings..... but that's how it is. You can't go around distributing your love, to every tom, dick and hairy harry... hahahah.....

But you can be the one person , they can depend on in times of crisis. That's what friendship is all about. I am always there for my friends and they are there for me with their oodles of love, care and concern and silly apprehensions.

If I am a Princess for one, then am a Sweetheart for another, a cutiepie for one more and a moron for the fourth one, but am there .... Always. This is purely platonic. There is just one, for whom this heart really beats but we have agreed to keep our relationship platonic and must say my heart bleeds at the mere thought of it, but a pact is a pact..Ain't it? So, platonic it is, the way of life for me, in all my relationships, no doubts about it.

So,Platonic is the watchword for the day.... Let me mull over it and think some more and then perhaps get back to putting down my weird thoughts in words that seldom make a difference to what others think ... It's my way of looking at life and all the surreal realities of it.. Bring it on..am game for another platonic relationship........... No need to feel jealous about it mate... That's the way you want it, that's the way you get it , with a spritz of lemon juice over it.

Am keeping the faith... believing that I am faithful in my relationship, although there are a lot of others interested in me.... It's your call, your take on it... Platonic or not.

Huge Difference....

On a positive note, first time in today's stressful day, let me tell you what a huge difference you have made to my life.

You have brought sunshine back into my dull and dreary life. You have irradiated it with your smile and must say I love to watch you smiling when we video chat.

It's the most beautiful moment of my life and I am enjoying every second of this AHA! moment.

A calmness has enveloped my fiery profile. You douse the fire that rages in me off and on. You are the balm that has eased the ache. You are what you are and don't go changing for anyone not even for me....Coz I love you just the way you are.... plain and simple.

You said , don't get hurt this time. I say, I am positive I am not going to get hurt this time, because it's you who is standing tall beside me ... My pillar of strength. I know, you won't let anyone hurt me, nor will you hurt me... Coz you love me unconditionally. What else can I ask for? Am happy and contented in the knowledge that you are my full and final calling... nothing and no one matters anymore.

I love you with no limitations whatsoever. Now, it's up to you to decide whether you are ready to receive this beauty with the booty and the bounty. Lol.

You have made a huge difference and I can sense it. Soak in every moment and every bit of this gift , that's what my heart says to me and I, like a puppy dog, follow my heart.

I guess, finally it's time to update my status as IN A RELATIONSHIP. I LOVE YOU.

Blast it......

Blast it ... All it takes to set you thinking negative is a bloody one liner from someone. It just sets your mood off. All you can do at that moment is huff and puff your anger away. Just when you are getting on with your already messed up life, some one has to shove his butt in. Rascal.

Am in no mood to consider any sort of reconciliation. All set to sue at least. Rascal.

Got to take these junkies head on and teach them a lesson they will never forget. Don't mess with me is the message to put across. Rascal.

What a way to whet your reprisal to someone you don't want to speak to. Rascal.

RASCAL.... Yes that's the most I have allowed myself to express openly. Else there is so much bottled up within that it would cause a volcano to erupt.

Damn... Why do I waste my time worrying about other people and their opinions? Rascals.

I do wish , someday somebody should wipe them off from the face of Earth. Blast it....

My Day....

My day begins with you,

My day ends with you,

I wait on the shores of patience upon you,

To see that smile of yours,

To hear you say.. I love you,

My day begins with you and,

My day ends with you.

There comes a time,

When you just can't live without someone,

Someone becomes your priority,

Your everything,

I guess, this is that time... for me.

You are my everything,

You are my peace,

No other can give me ,

What you have given me....

Pure uninhibited love.

My day begins with that love,

My day ends with that love.

Sure, this being is mortal,

And shall leave alone,

But, the soul remains within,

Another soul, when life begins.

You are where my heart and soul rest,

You are where my life begins and ends,

You are the reason for my smile,

You are the reason for the colours in my life.

My day begins with your smile,

My day ends with your smile.

My day, yes my day, my life.... you are the soul that inhabits it........

Love you for being there.

Am a blank page....

Suddenly am blank....

I don't know what to think,

I don't know what to write,

I don't know where to begin........

Suddenly am blank.

Come to think of it,

I am a blank page,

You can write anything on this page,

You can ..... sure you can.

It's been ages since anyone has ever written a poetry on this blank page,

Last time, it was you ,

And now again, you must do the honours.

Let the music begin,

Let the flute play,

Let there again be a litany of words,

Let there be peace of mind,

Let the merriment commence.

There is so much to write on this blank page,

So much to catch up on,

Two decades of separation,

Two decades of pain,

But, it's all ebbed away,

When you came back again...

Write again, my love ,

Your words on my heart,

Fill the book with sweet nothings,

Words that I long to hear,

The book has been left blank,

So you could write again....

Am a blank page.......

Sometimes...

Wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories.... I thank Meghna for these lines... It makes a whole lot of sense.

Sometimes, you learn a lot from youngsters. They teach you a lot of wisdom without actually saying anything.

Atta girl! Beautiful lines, expressing heartfelt emotions... and I guess, I know why this outburst. Listen dear, life ain't a bed of roses... roses have thorns too. Let the person be.... if your feelings are true, one day that person will surely realize his mistake and come running back to you. It's then that you have to decide whether you want that person in your life or not. That will be your test, your magnanimity shall be on the hotbed of coals.... That's when you have to take that one step that may take you to heaven or to remain where you are.

I had to write this, to tell you that the world is a sphere and what goes round comes around. All it takes is a leap of faith. Wish someone had counseled me at your age, I wouldn't have wasted my life away... But, as someone truly said... It's never too late to start all over again.

I won't advise.... my life is an open book to read... read it and you will know... I speak from experience...

If you follow your heart, the rest will follow sooner or later. ;-)

Sometimes...

Wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories.... I thank Meghna for these lines... It makes a whole lot of sense.

Sometimes, you learn a lot from youngsters. They teach you a lot of wisdom without actually saying anything.

Atta girl! Beautiful lines, expressing heartfelt emotions... and I guess, I know why this outburst. Listen dear, life ain't a bed of roses... roses have thorns too. Let the person be.... if your feelings are true, one day that person will surely realize his mistake and come running back to you. It's then that you have to decide whether you want that person in your life or not. That will be your test, your magnanimity shall be on the hotbed of coals.... That's when you have to take that one step that may take you to heaven or to remain where you are.

I had to write this, to tell you that the world is a sphere and what goes round comes around. All it takes is a leap of faith. Wish someone had counseled me at your age, I wouldn't have wasted my life away... But, as someone truly said... It's never too late to start all over again.

I won't advise.... my life is an open book to read... read it and you will know... I speak from experience...

If you follow your heart, the rest will follow sooner or later. ;-)

I Love you just the way you are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ounJsqomcv8

Beautiful song..... Sums up everything.

I Love You too...

I love you too ...

I could live in this state of pure bliss forever,

Coz I love you....

You said I was special...

It made no sense......

You said , I had a special place in your heart,

It made no sense...

You said, I love you...

It all made sense.

Suddenly, I was flying...

Pure feel of heaven...

Nothing mattered...

No pain, no aches...

All was forgotten,

What mattered was you and me.....

On a different plane...

Journeying together... forever perhaps.

But, who cares?

It's this moment,

And this moment is a blessing...

A moment of truth...

Let all else lie,

This is my true calling...

To be in the arms of the one,

Whom I sought all along.

We lost out on our youth,

We lost many years struggling,

We lost everything,

Yet we gained each other...

We realized the true meaning of love,

We realized we were made for each other,

If not here, up there somewhere,

But, we had to meet somehow,

Know no despair,

Coz, there is someone up there,

Who felt our pain,

There is a force out there,

Who wrote our fate...

Today, we met in the virtual world,

Tomorrow, we may meet again...

This is the moment,

Savor it, Love it...

For what tomorrow brings,

I know not...

It's this moment,

That means everything...

Live it, love it...

Coz, I love you too.

You are my beautiful mistake...

First time, when you walked away....

I was hurting and thought it was a big mistake....

Then, I realized it was a learning experience.

This time , when you are back in my life,

I know it is the biggest mistake,

But you know what, It is a mistake the second time,

To fall in love with the same man twice,

But you are my beautiful mistake...

One, that I want to commit over and over again.

A mistake, one has to feel to know..

A mistake one has to experience to feel...

That it's not a mistake....

It's a beautiful mistake...

And you are the mistake I want to commit always...

I missed you...

I had my moments of despair...

Yet, I never lost hope...

Coz you are a beautiful mistake

And, I want to commit this mistake over and over again.

When you left,

I promised myself,

never again, shall I make this mistake ,

Yet, I made this mistake again...

Coz, you are my beautiful mistake...

And I want to commit this mistake again and again.

Many came and went,

Many got left behind,

I felt no remorse for them,

Coz, they weren't mistakes...

They were men strong and successful,

Men committed to me,

Yet I found no solace in their company...

Coz, you are my beautiful mistake

And I wanted to commit this mistake once again.

Happy are those,

That dream dreams...
I am one of the few, who dare...

For I have no reason to despair,

These are my dreams

And I am for my dreams...

A vehicle of transformation...

A chance to make a mistake again...

A reason to despair again...

A thought that...

You are my beautiful mistake..

And, I am ready to commit this mistake again and again.

Shut them out...

There has to be a way to shut them out,

'Them', the people who nag you,

People, who drag you,

People who tug at your sleeves and say,

Notice me, don't leave me... Yet , they don't do anything to want you to stay.

What a tomfoolery is this act of theirs,

That troubles you when you are at peace?

What an act of display of false emotions,

When there is none to exhibit in real life?

These people are the slugs of life,

That slow you down with their whining.

These people are the rotten rats,

that eat away at your peace.

They nibble on what remains of your esteem,

They fumble and stumble,

And bring you down with them.

There is no commitment in their actions,

There's no sense,

Yet they seem to have,

A complete control over your life.

What utter nonsense?

What a senseless sense of being,

Making you feel unworthy of yourself,

With no self esteem.

Shut them out,

These buggers of Earth,

Shut them out,

These beastly creatures of yearn,

Shut them out,

For they bring no peace,

Shut them out,

For they have no spine,

Shut them out,

Shut them out.

Close the doors of your inner self to them,

Let them not peep within,

For they know,

Where to escape from,

And where to reach your within.

Shut them out, for they know not how to keep you smiling within.

This time round....

Leaving all care to wind,I plunge myself once again into the open arms of love...

Rendering my senses senseless , I delve deeper into the poetry of love,

Pondering left for procuring earthly pleasures, I rejoice in finding the lost one again.

This time round, I have no clue how long it will last,

Last it will, a lifetime,

As, this time round it begins on a sound base of friendship...

A friendship that will be the very epitome of eternal love,

Something everyone craves for but fail to achieve.

We have moved from being mere humans in love,

To soul mates dancing to the revelry of life...

A sense of being within each others heart and soul...

A feeling least understood by the world in general.

This time round, there are no expectations...

This time round , there are no explanations...

This time round, there are no questions...

This time round, there are only answers...

For we have evolved as enlightened beings from being mere human.

This time round, there are no promises to keep...

This time round, there are no hearts to break...

This time round, two battered and worn hearts have met...

This time round, they are here to stay...

For they shall not break the unsaid promise they made to themselves...

Come hitherto world, with all your pain and aches...

We shall not be withered again... for we emerge stronger from the pain.

This time round, we walk hand in hand,

For we understand...

This time round, this is our last chance at happiness

It is the right time to harness,

All the power within to seek that blessedness,

That circled us and skirted us and missed us by a hair length...

This time round, there is no looking back,

For we walk side by side as buddies ...

Watching each others back and making space for all things big and small.

This time round, it begins with friendship and a lasting one it shall be.

Am not sure...

Am not sure about whatever that's happening these days... am confused.

What's happening? Am behaving like an infatuated teenager once again. No one's gonna like it. At this point in time when my kids should be going through these emotional phases, I am gushing all over and going gaga over lost and found property (oops!).

All those sleepless nights mooning over someone's spoken words have started again.

All those mornings waiting to hear from that someone has started again.

All those sweet nothings being exchanged has started again.

No, this is too good to be true. Somebody pinch me. Wake me up. This is impossible.

Emotions once buried deep are surfacing again and the glow shows on my being.

No, I can't fall in love once again.... not with the same man , twice over.

Someone stop me, before I trip and fall again.

This time round,

am too feeble to recover from a broken heart...

am scared ...

am not alone...

Am not sure.... enlighten me, counsel me but show me the path...

Should I take the tried and tested route to happiness and solitary bliss?

Or should I take this gamble and put all my cards in?

Am not sure....

I have to decide.... but am clueless.. my mind is a jumbled up concoction of a cocktail of emotions... What do I do? Shake it and let it settle down or just pass it up as another tale to tell to my Grandchildren later and shake my head, sigh and say... I wish I had....

If you are reading this, know this for sure.... love you I still,

But am not sure...

A poem by Maya Angelou... I am truly a woman

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

A poem by Pablo Neruda.... love it

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Turmoil within,,,,,,

Damn these mood swings. They lead to so many turmoils deep within especially emotional ones.

The ifs and buts, the pros and cons just play and replay constantly in one's mind making thinking totally clogged up and there seems to be no escape from this dilemma.

Why do we let other people's behaviour upset us? Why are we upset by what's happening in their lives? Why do we bother even? Gosh, being human is such a pain. It dulls you and numbs your logic.Your cognitive abilities are clouded by emotions and you end up taking erroneous decisions.

One moment you are happy and in a blissful state and the next moment you are a bundle of crumpled nerves. Been there done that and yet going through the rut once again. No, I have no time for all this now..... need to move on.

Dr Help! Yelp... bail me out of this situation. Make me smile with one of your PJs. I haven't smiled today and can you imagine me without a smile ever?

Help me smile... please

Err.......... Excuse me

Excuse me please... I say, when I see you

Excuse me my exigencies

Excuse me my faults

Excuse me my ambition or lack of it

Excuse me my thoughts

Excuse me my inhibition

Excuse me my exhibition

For I know not what I am doing

Blogging my life away...

Excuse me my serendipitous nature

Excuse me my lack of know how

Excuse me my stupidity

Excuse me my idiosyncrasy

Excuse me my jealousy

For I know not what I am doing

Giving it all away...

Err... excuse me... but am not waiting any more

For I have found peace elsewhere

Excuse me but you lost the chance

When you said goodbye

You lost the day, you turned your face away

For I know one thing for sure, you are not gonna be there ever

When I really needed you

You left me confused and battered

To fight my demons and waste my life away

For I know one thing for sure, it was my fault all the way

To let you affect and influence my thoughts

To crush my beliefs and break my trust

Your lies are not what I am going to believe anymore

Excuse me for I have moved on...

With no sparkling smile again... wiped off my memory bank

Leading a dull life... I move on in search of a new destiny

Err... excuse me , sparkle I shall no more for the polish has worn off

The diamond has turned to dust... the feelings to rust

All that is left behind is a vast barren expanse

Where no flower shall bloom again...

For you crushed the seeds on your way out... when you walked away

Excuse me.... I am not waiting anymore

Kaanfused..............

After riding the waves, it's time to lay low. Let the mixed feeling ebb away else the mad rush of high tide might sweep me away. I need some me time to introspect. I need time to think , what I desire from life. I have to become self smart to take on any wave and surf the different waves of life.

At this moment, I feel life has become a big joke, throwing brickbats at times and laying flowers on my path at times. Am confused and confused I am.

I need time to rethink my priorities and logic. All this makes no sense. Suddenly there is too much happening in life and too fast. Need my space to sort out this sudden flush of events.

Basically, plain and simple, I am confused. Period. Can write no more.... the flow of thoughts is way too fast to keep pace with......... Ciao

I am afraid ...

Images from days bygone whirr like a movie reel in front of my eyes and am able to recall them in a moment although it took a lifetime to live through them.Memories I thought had faded away , remain firmly etched on my mind.

Am surprised at my behaviour. Despite all the ups and downs in life am still hopeful that one day happiness shall knock on my door. I don't understand , why do I get carried away by my emotions?Why am I even getting into the groove and talking to anyone? I am letting people read me like an open book. I must not. I must become reclusive again, there is peace in being in that state and frame of mind.

I am afraid of getting hurt again. Earlier , I was young, I could take the blow; now I can't. Images of yesteryears happy moments bring a smile on my lips yet a painful sigh escapes through them, when the wound opens up. Why did it happen to me?The days become a living hell when am flooded with these memories good and bad. Why did I open Pandora's box?

There is a constant conflict eating me away like white ants. I must switch off before I end up hurting myself and others in the process. I don't have the strength of youth to hold me steadfast against the lightening and thunder of the storms of life.... I must switch off.

In the dusk of my life, I must walk alone deep into the realms of darkness, I must walk alone...

Confessions of a Shopaholic... ;-)

Am I picking on someone? Nah, picking on myself. I simply go ballistic where it comes to shopping. Then all the well planned budget lined shopping list goes for a toss and all that comes home is junk which is really not needed.

Not joking, seriously. I make a long shopping list and go out and when I reach the shopping mall, I forget the list exists , I just start buying stuff without trying them on or really checking the size and always end up with a wardrobe full of clothes one size smaller. Sigh, yeah I should try the clothes on in the trial room, but I don't have the patience to do trials and end up with errors this way.

I rarely go shopping. But, when I do my bank balance goes on the negative side . This pinches my bottom where I pocket my wallet. A lady carrying a wallet!!! Yup, am different. I wear checked shirts with jeans , sometimes with a half jacket thrown in and a pair of sneakers for easy walkability. Total faltu look. I stroll into malls with my eye candy son and bodyguard (bouncer) daughter and then the journey begins. I always and only buy shoes for my son. He just seems to be growing by the minute and his shoes shrink by the second. My daughter is a basketball fan and player, so she ends up buying basketball paraphernalia apart from the regular Barbies and stuffed toys and treats.

A visit to the mall is just a pretense for whetting our appetites for good food. It can never be complete without visiting Mad Over Donuts and gorging down dozens of Doughnuts and getting another dozen packed for home. One more favourite haunt is Aromas of China and boy do we love the chinese delicacies that they dole out. Then , there is Pizza hut for one for the road kinda snack.

In all this melee, you must be wondering when do I do my shopping. Well am a different kind of shopper. If I am happy, I don't buy anything for myself. If I am sad, then shopping is my catharsis and I end up splurging and buying everything off the shelves whether they are needed or not. Psst, my home is a junkyard of stuff bought in a huff.

But, this is not real shopping. Real shopping used to happen when there were no malls around and we would go to Colaba in SoBo (South Bombay) and buy stuff from shops big and small and top it with the most authentic pasta at Cafe' Churchill and Bade Miyaan's kebabs, falooda kulfi and ragda patties at Kailash Parbat. The list is endless. Those times are long past buried in the pages of history. Now, it is an artificial environment to shop in with a plastic card to make the payment with.

Shopping is no more fun today. It's just a necessity to spend that extra buck one earns with the boost in the economy. Earlier, it used to be an affair with our senses... gastronomic and sensual. Now, it is business as usual with no time for family and family values. It's just a status symbol to shop at a happening shopping mall, coz that's the place you ought to be seen at.

I dream of going shopping. But, at leisure and in my own sweet time with someone who wouldn't mind holding............ no, not my hand silly... my purse. Then , I don't have to carry my wallet... it would be in the purse silly again. You thought , I expect the guy to pay, hai na? Yes, I do. What's wrong in expectations, although things have always been the other way round with me. I must say, it's been a nightmare in the past few relationships where I always ended up paying for my rascal dates. Men these days aren't made of the stuff a man should be made of. Now, don't go asking what that stuff is.

On that note, I shall end this blog... this was just made up coz am tired of waiting for someone to resume chat with me... waiting coz he has gone SHOPPING.

The Great Gambler....

Beautiful movie... with the most lilting and haunting song... one of my favourite songs ......

Am I game for a gamble? Will have to think about it.

So far life has been a big gamble for me. It is for everyone, not me alone. But then, this is my blog so am gonna showcase my gamble. At every step we pay a price for it, whether we like it or not. But, we emerge richer in experiences, don't we all.

It's the outlook we portray that sets us apart, as losers or winners all the way.... some people laugh all their way to the bank but are they really rich and some win the battle despite the defeat. Am one of the few losers who has always brushed the dirt off her skirt after falling down and emerged richer in experiences. It's mellowed me a bit but not much ... good, else how do I add spice to the gossip mongers rues and tales about me and my life. How do I leave them out on the juicy details of my brush with an experience those staid and bored housewives can only dream of.... I could write volumes on bored housewives tales.... but leave it for another day and another time , in another blog... if I remember.

So, we were at 'GAMBLING'. I wouldn't want to change anything about gambling my life away, it was fun then, it's fun now and believe me at the moment am enjoying reliving my life in bits and pieces and trying to join it as one whole. Wow! What a life!!! You have to be born as me to live and appreciate this gamble.

Chalo, will gamble a bit more and write in the juicy details later.

Twilight of my life...

In the twilight of my life, when I find myself alone

In the twilight of my life, when I walk alone

In the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer

You come shining right through the tunnel of life

Stopping me midway,

making me wonder,

making me think,

making me blush once again......

Why in the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer?

The sails of my boat are tattered and torn,

The wheel that drives the ship has broken,

The rudder moves aimlessly

And, you have come to the rescue?

Why now, when I have nothing to offer?

Except my blues,

my pain,

my worries,

There is nothing else on the platter to serve you O Master.

Why now, when I have come to the end of the chapter in the book of life?

Why now, when the story has ended?

Why now, when there is no music left to play?

WHY NOW???

How can you?

How can you remember every word I said?

How can you remember every word I wrote?

How can you remember what I wore?

How can you remember what I made for you?

How can you remember where we went?

How can you......

I forgot everything, down the by lanes of time,

I forgot I existed, with passing time,

I forgot you, but you existed in the subconscious,

But still I forgot you.......

How did you find me?

How did you still remember me?

Why do you keep me in your heart still?

Questions , questions and questions....

I need an answer.........

Are you game?

Will you answer?

Lost and found........

Just like Goldilocks, I lost myself in the jungle and mayhem of life a long long time ago.

Juggling responsibilities and chores, I forgot I existed even.

Then , along came a smart ass and I felt nice. I felt everything was hunky dory, I gave of myself, a large chunk of emotional wealth to this glittering and sparkling asshole little realizing that all that glitters ain't gold. When I fell, I fell flat on my face. It hurt, and real bad too.

I lamented, why me. I cried, why me. I went crazy, why me. I kept it all. bottled inside me, all the why me queries troubling me, giving me sleepless nights.

Then , out of the blue, suddenly I found something I was looking for, a strong shoulder to cry on and I found my friend , who today is an integral part of my life. My punching bag , whom I punch with all my feelings good and bad. Can you believe, I have never met this friend of mine, but in the virtual world and he is there for me to rely on always. It's a new found friendship, a partnership that is not based on selfish reasons but on trust and care. He makes sure , if I am down and out, he should make me smile. and, believe me he has a knack for doing this stuff. He brings a smile on everybody's lips and is dependable. My friend, I love you for being there when I needed someone to wipe my tears. Thanks for standing by my side and giving me the time to get over the mess I had created in my life.

Then, while all this was going on, along came the person, who made a huge difference in my life. Someone who changed the course of my life some two decades ago and man, am I glad he did. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind, I had to find a reply to those. No clarifications, just plain replies and I got them. There are many more Mister, you have to answer them all. I feel nice when I speak to him whether it be the virtual world of Facebook chat (Incidentally , where we met again) or just plain calls, I feel nice.

It's like there is someone up there, who decided; Well! We have tested her enough, let's give her this chance to be happy once again. So, I won't say I have found love once again but yes, I have found friends, dependable people.

Anyways, you fall in love only once, the first time, after that it' s just a repeat telecast with different people cast in the same role. But, the effect and impact of the original can never be matched by others. They can't don the mantle of your dream hero, the lead character was created only once keeping only one person in mind. You can't replace the original with a fake.

So, I lost once and then kept losing (at one point I thought I was the biggest loser) but I found what I had lost, albeit the circumstances then and now have changed.... What the heck? Who cares? I do, but I found my 'favourite toy' once again and that is what matters to me and nothing else. somebody is not going to like the term 'favourite toy' but at 3am in the morning, when I am dead drunk and nearly dozing off, no other word comes to my mind dear. Spare me the rod and bring that smile on your lips... coz u still are the top contender for the largest piece of my broken heart. LOL

So, there goes the sob story of lost and found........ wrote it coz I know, this is the first thing you would want to read in the morning when the sun rises in the East.

You inspire me.... you believe in me........ you know what I feel like and when........ Do I need to go on further? Nah, let the moral pundits wrack their brains over this and lemme go get a shut eye before the dawn begins.... a new chapter in my life.

Stretching....

Am into stretching these days. Why? Can't gym na, so am stretching to music and enjoying every bit of getting back in shape slow and steady. That's the physical aspect of stretching... now onto other aspects of stretching.

I am stretching my imagination. I dream too, but with my eyes open, so that I don't forget the realities that surround me and my world. My imagination knows no bounds and am not bound by the veracities of life. My world of imagination transports me into a world which is picture perfect and there's no pain there only happiness.... reality sucks.

I am stretching my limits emotionally. I can be a nervous bundle of hurt and pain too and I want to experience the maximum ... wanna check the threshold of my limit. The point where I might break down, I do break down but I bounce back... am a ball and having a ball of a time bouncing through the waves of emotions that sometimes seem to engulf me and threaten to drown me. I surface from it gasping for air and then diving into the problem head on once again to test my limit.

I am stretching myself exploring the spirituality that everyone talks about. I have yet to become spiritual, but I do stretch myself into believing what all these great saints and pundits say. Nah, am not an atheist but I do question a lot.

I am stretching myself always, seeking answers where there are none...No wonder, they christened me 'Tell me Why series'.

At the end of it.....I love being comfortable in my skin!! Whoever has got a problem.. is free to leave.. :D.......................... somebody retweeted this and I said what the heck... it's true and applies to me.

Let it be my motto for today.. and lemme pick the threads up from where I left them trying to please others. Stretch...bend.... stretch.... move on.

Sob blogging............

Yup, that set me thinking.... a casual remark from a blast from the past.

Of course , on second thoughts , come to think of it.... when I re-read my blogs , I found that most of them were just rantings about things gone sour. No one knows better but old flames , how lovable I can actually be. so, this blog is for you Mister. No sob story here but something nice about getting on with your life keeping your worries behind you.

Don't worry be happy... Let this be your motto in life henceforth.

All good things take their own sweet time to arrive in your life. like it is said ... sabra ka phal meetha hota hai.... and who would know it better than the lambi race ka ghoda. ;-)

Am grinning from ear to ear as is my trademark style... yes , this is what am in a mood to do and express the happiness in knowing that someone somewhere still remembers you. Psst... I wish all of them remembered me this way... and I guess they do.... I leave a lasting impression in peoples minds and..... hearts too. That's my persona..... sounding so narcissistic.

This ain't a sob blog today, all the good old memories came flooding back and I said Oh my god! how could I forget the most beautiful moments of my life. This is a nostalgic journey into days bygone.... but beautiful memories. It's hampering my written words as those golden moments are just flitting past and reminding me . Gosh! must stop before am gushing all over the page , like an over zealous and over grown , deeply infatuated teenager that I once was.

We all have our ups and downs in life, and that certainly was the high tide of my life. A tsunami that swept my senses away, it changed the entire course of my life.... and am glad it did. I wouldn't be here today, had it not been there. I wouldn't wish to want to change this destiny ever.

Thank you Mister, for being the perpetrator of the change that made me what I am today. You deserve a treat for this.... and for instigating me to change the mood of my blogs too.

This blog is dedicated to you. Inspire me some more.

Living life........ seeking inner peace

Living life on your terms and conditions ain't as easy as it seems. When you decide to do so, you are alone in your journey, no one supports you and all eyes watch you. You become the example to be followed if you are a success or the jibe of all jokes and nasty remarks if your life is fraught with hindrances.

Does anyone else's opinion really matter? What the heck! It's your life. Go on live it for yourself. you came alone and shall go alone, no one accompanied you and nor shall anybody go with you. Of course, along the journey, some might walk besides you for some time but not forever. It's your journey and how you travel.......... whether you enjoy it or find no solace in it.

It's easy to break all ties in a moment of desperation and very difficult to get it all back again. Because , you have hurt others to embark on your pilgrimage, to find peace, to seek yourself but, what about the others who were there for you through thick and thin?

This isn't enlightenment or your spiritual leanings, it's selfish motive.

Finish your duties to self and others and then move on. No one will miss you but yes, they will remember you as a selfless being, one who lived for others and someone people could lean on when down and out.

Follow your heart, the rest will follow... you don't have to go into the forest or the mountaintop to find inner peace, it's within you ; all you have to do is seek it within. Dance your blues away or compose your calmness quotient, it's all in your hands.

Life isn't easy, nor is moksha.............. you have to live life to find moksha and it's deeper meaning.

Wondering , why I wrote this?.................... Because, I found my inner peace in a crowd.

What others think or preach, matters not; what matters is what you think and how you conduct yourself for your own betterment as a human being.

Because......... at the end of it , it is your journey and you have to travel alone.