Love in Mumbai.....

Love in Mumbai is hard to come by...
When it does come....
It's fast and furious....
Just like the life here....
The traffic slow and sluggish....
The love fast and momentary.
A flash of lightening....
A torrential rain....
 A big fat salary....
Gone in sixty seconds.
Love in Mumbai is hard to come by....
Just like the water here....
In short supply....
Yet a burst pipeline here and there.
Love in Mumbai is hard to come by...
Just like my feelings....
Hard to understand....
Difficult to get through.
Just like my thoughts....
Impenetrable....
A tableau on display....
A mask put on....
But, an open book....
For the one who really cares.
Shake her from her reverie....
Wake her up....
Say the birds....
Oops! The crows....
The city that never sleeps...
Beckon the streets and expressway....
Wake up Girl!
 Time to move that heavy bottom...
Move that arse....
Says the alarm clock....
Move it says the resolve....
Love in Mumbai takes a backseat...
In the AC bus......
Hanging at times from the pole...
Wondering if a change in profession is due....
Become a pole dancer or trapeze artist...
Life in Mumbai...
Makes you think so.
Love in Mumbai is hard to come by....
Am so in love with the tough nut to crack...
Nuts he is .... Nuttier am I.
My jaan, my love...
Is an enigma...
My power source and my stigma.
Yet, I love him true....
He makes me smile even in troubled times....
He is my love and I love him true.

I need you most today....

I need you most today....
When I am hurting...
When I am crying silently....
All alone, lest someone sees the tears....
I need you most today...
To wipe those tears.....
To make me smile again....
Yes, the wolves out there ....
Have marauded me....
Scarred me for life...
In this hurt, pain and grief....
In this moment of solitude...
I need you....
I need you beside me.
When you turned your face away...
I went into a rage...
I wreaked havoc on my self....
With a vengeance to spite you....
Yes, I did so to spite you....
I demonized my self.....
Immolated myself in this raging fire....
This angst scarred me....
Here I am nursing my wounds.....
Yet, so incomplete....
So broken....
wings clipped....
Soul shorn of all vitality...
All  gone, nothing left....
Alone, lonely and in despair.........
All doors closed and ....
Not a soul to call my own....
Not even the ones that I delivered.
You are too far away....
Too distant....
Just too far away...
So aloof.....
No feelings.....
What's the use of feelings in words....
When in reality you have sworn yourself away from me.
I need you most today...
But, you are not there as always.....
Distant, cold and aloof.....
You watch me burn...
What sadistic pleasure does this give you?
And, yet you remain sleepless worrying about me....
Why?

Winds of Change.....

Winds of change are blowing again...
The chimes in my home tell me so....
The sweet melody....
Warning me of times to come....
Warning? Yes! Times of change....
Times of upheaval...
Time to move on ...
Once again.

Winds of change are blowing again....
The traveler within is restless..
Raring to go places.....
In the need to explore.....
The ringing of bells.....
A sign to foretell....
Time to move on...
Once again.

Winds of change are blowing again....
The feet are itching ...
To take a bold step....
A step ahead or back in time...
No one knows....
What's in store....
All I know...
I am ready to go.
Time to move on....
Let go....
Once again.

Winds are a changing...
A new course to take...
A new route to follow...
A new path to pave.
Dreams galore in the eyes....
A struggle to juggle the thoughts....
To take the path unknown...
Or remain where I am.
What would make me happy?
What would quench my thirst?
The path untrodden...
The green grass fresh....
A mark to make...
An indelible ink....
Seal my fate.....
Or sink with the ship.

The Captain knows not what to do....
A dilemma that can cost lives....
Check my sails and set sail....
Yup! That's what The Captain ought to do.
For, I may not know what lies beyond..
Till I leave the shore...
The sanctity of my island...
The safe haven of my dreams...
It's broken.....
Encroached upon...
The pirates have looted my treasure....
Time to move on....
Time to set sail again.

I adjust my sails...
Take the direction of the wind...
Winds of change....
Handle my destiny.....
Handle the course I take.
I haul my anchor up again....
Take the oars in hand...
Time to start rowing....
Into the deep blue ocean...
The depths unknown.

Winds of change....
Show me the direction...
Show me the way.....
Let me sail away once again...
It's time to move on...
Let go.....
Once again.

Shifting sand....

My life is like the shifting sand....
Never still....
Always on the move.

Shifting sand...
Grain by grain...
Each grain tells a different story...
A different tale it tells.

Shifting sand....
No dune's permanent....
Always moving....
Flying with the gusty wind.
A sandstorm builds up....
When I am angry and sad...
A sandstorm that destroys....
All that comes in its path.

It clogs the nostrils ...
And every pore....
You suffocate.....
You cry in vain....
The grain of sand...
Makes you cry ....
When in your eye....
It drops down with your tears...
Drops down and moves on.

Shifting sand is my name....
Shifting sand is my life....
All I do now is....
Sift through the grains....
One by one....
Putting it up for all to see.

Shifting sand...
Sifting through each grain....
That's my life....
That's my time.....
That's my story to tell.

Bored....Evil eye...

Am bored....
Am free....
I have nothing to do...
Siesta hour...
Not for me...
Who cast an evil eye...
On my happiness....
Am alone and bored....
Must be you.
You and your unseen jealousy....
You and your fantasy...
Am outta your life for good...
Don't you get it....
Move on....
Get a leash for your emotions.

When I was there...
You ignored me...
Now am not ....
You follow me....
Why? Oh! Why?....
Do you torment me...
Why do you cast your evil eye...
On my rollicking life...
Castaway and outlawed...
You pursue me relentless.

You had your chance...
Not once, twice...but many times over....
Each time you betrayed my trust....
So, please go away...
Leave me alone....
Let me be.

Am bored....
Cast your evil eye elsewhere.

Hallucination.....

He says I am fibbing....
He says I am hallucinating...
He says I am dreaming....
He doesn't believe me....
He doesn't believe my truth....
And the truth is ...
He doesn't belong to me anymore...
He never did....
He came back....
He sought me out....
But not for love....
Maybe a feeling of guilt...
That's not love....
Had it been...
He wouldn't have faulted again...
And, again.

It's his hallucination....
It's his disbelief....
He doesn't want to come...
To terms with reality....
And, the reality is harsh...
Reality is cruel...
Reality will hurt....
I don't wait upon him anymore.

I am committed elsewhere....
When I needed him...
He had shut me out....
I turned to the first ray of light...
It was not a mirage....
It was reality.
I was walking alone...
Alone in the rain....
My tears rolling down my cheeks...
No one saw them...
He did....
He didn't say anything...
But, he was there.
His strong shoulders supported my frail frame....
He was there....
When you were absconding.

Hallucination, this is not mine....
It is reality and I am living it.
Yes, you are hallucinating...
Waiting for me...
I have moved on....
Long ago, I moved on....
You stood there watching....
Someone else and her stocking.

Time stood still....

When I met you for the first time....
Time stood still...
There was an awkward silence....
An impermeable silence....
I didn't know how to react....
I was quiet...
You must have noticed....
My words were monosyllables....
In the crowd of the room....
The meeting just going on.....
I wasn't there.

Frankly, I thought ......
You had an attitude....
That you were someone else's beau....
But, the next meeting cleared the air....
Yet, I didn't declare....
I wasn't sure of you....
Or your feelings....
Just a nagging insight....
He is ensnared.

I could feel your eyes on me....
The others noticed too...
The subtle hints you gave...
The uncomfortable look I had....
It spoke all....
All about the chemistry between us...
It was bound to happen....
All boiled over....
The next few days...
And, we were a couple inseparable.

The envy of every eye....
The office gossip everyday.....
You and I, brave it all.....
Especially me, day in and day out.....
You are at your place....
Away from the grapevine....
I suffer the envious gaze ....
Of women you scorn each day.

Today, we are one....
In mind, body and soul....
There is no looking back...
I stand by you, a complete whole.
Our dreams are one....
The passion just the same....
One goal, one sight...
To make it work....
For both of us.

Time and again....
I have been tested...
I have stood the test of time...
This time too...'
I stand before time...
Head bowed but not defeated....
In all humbleness....
I swear....
I want to make it work....
Every relation I have had....
I gave my all.....
Yet they fizzled out...
Over a period of time....
They failed the test of time...
Coz' you need two to tango....
You don't snap with one finger....
You don't clap with one hand...
You need two to tango...
Two to make it work.

This  time round too...
I am committed....
I am around...
You need to fall in place...
And, claim what you feel you found.

Time stood still...
When my eyes fell upon you....
Time is still.....
Like the still waters that run deep.

Sorry doesn't make a dead woman alive.....

My today was shaped by you yesterday.....
Sorry doesn't make a dead woman alive.

All the events of my life....
Good and bad....
Were the outcome....
Of your betrayal....
Were the result of ....
You walking away....
Without a word.

Today, you are back...
Back for what?
There's nothing here....
But, a cupboard full of skeletons.

All the events...
And, my today....
Were written by you....
Two decades and five years ago.

Really.....
Sorry doesn't make a dead woman alive....
I am dead....Long dead and gone....
From your life ....
The nightingale sings no more....
The Lark doesn't hop....
On your branch anymore.

There is another....
Give him a chance....
That's what my heart says today.
So, don't take my today away....
It belongs elsewhere....
Let it be peaceful...
And, full of love.....
Let no afterthought kill the romance.....
Let you not be the catalyst of doom anymore.

Sorry, really doesn't make a dead woman alive.

I am having afterthoughts....

Yup, I am having afterthoughts. Did I act in haste? Did I not give the other person a chance to defend himself?
Did I do what I did in my rage, just to spite the other person?

But, whatever I did, I did and there is no turning back. There is no remorse.Yet, a nagging feeling ..... an afterthought... Did I do right?

What should I do now? What's the course of action to be? Am I to turn back or move on? Dilemma.....

I am having afterthoughts..... Is the person I am with really committed to me coz' of me or who I am?
Is it purely a feeling of being with me or just a professional relationship for better service at work? Dilemma....

All evidence so far only suggests that I made a mistake in recognising the person. Maybe, am right.... maybe, am wrong in my judgement. Who am I to judge? But, It's my life and career at stake. Am I in this relationship really for love or just a momentary lapse of mental faculty at the attention I got? Dilemma....Dilemma....

An afterthought so powerful after the many events of the recent past, making me think and rethink the decision I have taken...... Some thoughts that I try to shut out by numbing my senses with alcohol.....

Will that ever help? I need to come to a conclusion, before I slip into a coma, a state  from where there is no turning back. Dilemma..... An afterthought, of course!

No matter what.....

No matter what....Stand by me....

I like....

This song echoes the feelings I feel and my desires. The desire to have you stand by me no what happens...come hail, thunderstorm or an Earthquake.

Today I stand alone as always....just need to know you are around no matter what....my mistakes and my anger. My anger has destroyed my world....shredded it to pieces..no matter what I do, to control my anger, it just erupts and all is lost.

My impatience to hear and feel the words, echoing in my ears....I LOVE YOU... I lose them all. But, as you rightly queried ..." Where are the ones who said those words to you?" I understood.... you won't say it but in your actions you mean it and over the past couple of days you have truly meant it and made me feel special.

My heart goes all out to you, coz'  know at the end of it all...you will stand by me. And, even if you aren't there charted in the course of my life later... I know, there would be a star that would be shining just for me in the night sky. In fact, honestly... there are many... but like I said..Star in the night sky..all far away....shining bright, no matter..... but, FAR AWAY.

No matter what, as I believe in the moment..... This moment is yours .... snatch it, grab it.....do what you want to... But, just stand by me. Understand that I have my times of ups and downs and highs and lows... no matter what.. I am there, just that my mood ain't right for communication at that moment.

No matter what... Just stand by me.

Missing Diwali Sparkles.....

Yes, we all have our demons to kill and move on ....A Diwali celebration. Bringing in the new dawn with cheer and happiness. Memories long past flooding back to haunt you and your conscience.... What happened? Was it meant to be ever?

A Diwali.... long hidden in the recesses of a troubled mind and a broken heart, brought back in the forefront with a message early in the morning. Remembering a partner, a companion, lost somewhere in the by lanes of painful memories. The message, a spark that sparked SPARKLE's emotions and lo behold! She recedes into a melancholic silence once again. Lost in her memories of a family that was to be, but couldn't be.

This year, there are no celebrations. No one to look forward to celebrate the day and the night of lights with. No family to call one's own.

Somewhere along the path, Sparkles lost the sheen and shine and is just a plain shadow of once a resplendent self. This Diwali brings no happiness, but memories to torment the soul.

He has a mind of his own....

He has a mind of his own.....
Yes, he has....
Yet, I know...
He is mine....
Not to own....
But to experience....
To understand....
To love uninhibitedly.

He has a mind of his own.....
But, he is mine....
His mind is mine....
I occupy a space there....
That none other can...
Yes, with my size....
I occupy it whole....
Completely, body and soul.

He has a mind of his own...
But, with me around...
He is the puppy dog...
The sweet, loyal puppy dog...
With nothing but pure love ...
In those mesmerizing eyes.
He minces his words not...
He is clear....
No commitments....
But, an unsaid bond...
On an uncharted journey...
Love the idea of an adventure...
An adventure not foreseen...
A journey which unfolds....
With each passing moment....
An experience of a lifetime.

He has a mind of his own...
Yes, he has....
I am but a synapse in it....
A link to his feelings...
A link that stays him rooted....
A link that is grounded in his values....
A link in his system...
I am the link... to his heart.

I know not, what tomorrow holds...
I know what, my today holds....
A heart of gold in my palms.....
Throbbing and beating for me....
A heart that brings a smile to my lips...
A heart committed to me today.

He has a mind of his own...
But, his heart is mine.

My Hairstylist....

This blog is dedicated to my Hairstylist 'Dev'....
Dev is so goodlooking....
Dev is so sauve....
Dev is so sophisticated....
Dev is so alive....
Dev is my life....
Dev makes me come alive...
Dev makes me live again...
Dev makes me cry.
Dev makes love to me...
Yes, he does....
With his scissors....
Dev makes me feel like a woman...
Dev makes me FEEL.
Dev, Dev, Dev....is all I am about....
My boss is curious....
Who is this Dev?
And, I tell her.....
Dev is my lover today....
I have set a date with him....
Every fourth weekend ...
I visit Dev.
I ask her, Should I fix a date with Dev for you?....
So that he can make love to you too....
She says, no ways I have my husband at home...
And, I say...
He is not DEV.
Time to go...
Coz' I have a promise to keep..
Today is my date with Dev...
In an hour we meet.
Come, meet my Dev....
Come, meet the man....
Who gives me what I want....
A makeover, all the time.
His scissors going clippity clop...
Music to my tired soul...
His soft hands brushing my crop....
Ummmm......Lemme go.

Senseless sensibilities....

Senseless blogging is what I am all about....
Senseless sensibilities is what my blogs are about...
Senseless absolutely senseless...
That's the watchword for today....
That's the catch of the day....
Senseless lamentations...
About unfair life....
Senseless nagging of the soul...
Senseless sensitiveness....
Senseless absolutely senseless.
Am in a state of trance.....
Senseless trance....
You could very well relate to it...
It's the state of being drugged.
Drugged by my woes...
Drugged by my burden..
Drugged to numb the senses....
Yet still sensibly sensing.
It's all about me always....
But, isn't it so for you too....
All about yourself....
You and your senseless chatting....
You and your senseless anger.
My anger too is senseless...
No doubt....
But, you got it ignited....
You aired it and watered the sapling...
Into a strong tree of doubt.

Senseless actions....
Yours and mine....
Culminating in a rift....
A ravine that keeps us apart....
A deep abyss from which....
There is no return....
We are torn, torn apart.

Senseless sensibilities of lovers...
Senseless jealousy...
But, what to do...
Am senselessly possessive...
So are you.
The harm has been done...
The bird has flown...
Swearing never to be caged again.

Family, family, family....

It's all about Family.
Family, family, family...
It's always family....
Then, you should have asked your family first .....
Before taking me on.....
Asked your family...
Before going for dates with me....
Asked your family first....
Before making love to me...
Damn!!!!......
What's with Indian Men?....
Anyways, no harm done....
Am in my senses....
I had a good time....
Rollicking time indeed.....
You were good time pass...
I enjoyed spending time with you.

Commitments galore....
That's the mark of a true man....
A man that loves his family...
I look at him with a sense of awe...
I respect his sentiments...
The sentimental fool that he is....
I love that man itself.

Family, family, family.....
No issue....
If you love your family...
Surely you will love me too.

Any time any day....

Ask me to write.....
And, anytime any day I would write.
Ask me to lament....
And, anytime any day I would lament.
Ask me to nag.... My favourite passtime....
And, anytime any day I would nag.

Any time any day....
Ask me to love...
And, Love I would...
In all senses and deep rooted meanings of the word...
I swear I would love.
That's not my passtime , it's my time pass. Lol!!!

Surprised! The frigid maiden and love...
Yup, the frigid maiden can love and let love.
Love alone drives her...
Love makes her alive...
Love is the potion she drinks...
Love is the burden she carries.
Love she does....
In all its totality....
After all, she was born out of love.

Any time any day, ask me to smile...
Smile I would...
That's my forte'...
It comes naturally to me.

Ah, anger! Anytime any day ask me to get angry....
Rub me on the wrong side and lo behold!...
There I am, the angry self...
The angry woman....
Nothing can save you from me then and there ....
And, all is lost forever.
Bad, very bad...But,...
My anger knows no bounds....
My anger has burnt my house down....
My anger has splintered my life....
My anger is my own doing.
Control it, I can't.....
It just erupts out of nowhere.....
And, in that moment...
That very moment.....
My whole world falls apart.

But, what the heck....
I move on....
Bag and baggage....
In search of new abode.....
A new world to make...
A new world to explore.

Any time any day...
My suitcase is always ready...
Come join me in my journey...
But, don't rub me on the wrong side.

It all balances out.....

Yup, It does....
It all balances out...
Life's ups and downs..
They all come and go...
We go through a gamut of emotions...
Yet, we hold on strong....
We hold on....always....
Hold on to our beliefs and faith...
Hold on ...cling on..
Waiting....
Yet, ....
It all balances out...
And, we move on...
Move on, we do...
Yes, we move on...
Eyes searching for.....
That familiar face....
In the crowd...
The scar visible...
The pain in the eye..
The sly smile on the lips...
That face...
Can't forget it...
Yet.... It all balances out.

SPARKLE misses the spark....

Yup, no doubts about it. Sparkles moved on... Sparkles let go.... But, Sparkles is human.... Sparkles couldn't forget.... And hasn't forgotten..... Sparkle still checks you out....Sparkle still seeks you out... Sparkle still keeps an eye on you..... She is still there, where you left her..... Yes, she wandered..... listlessly. She groped in the dark...fell in ditches and hurt herself.... But, she came back to the same place, where you abandoned her....She stood there and decided to wait..... eternally.

Sparkle misses the spark in her life. She has no fire left within...just smouldering ash...hot ash... that can still burn.Wretched is the word that best describes her state.........lonely is her soul. The spark that was there has diminished.... no life left within. You, I guess moved on.... she stood there.... timelessly and still...she stood staring into every face that passed by....searching for that familiar smile.

Sparkles missed the bus.... but, she walked on and on.... patiently waiting with abated breath for that one sign that said the signal was green. The signal never turned green.... she kept staring... the passers by came and went.... she stood steadfast... come hail and thunderstorm... she stood .... like that puppy dog...with the tongue hanging out and a loving look in the eye.

The world moved on..... Sparkles didn't. She thought she did, but she didn't. She was still there, she is still there.

Sparkle misses the spark........Come Diwali, and memories would come haunting...the sparklers being lit as a family will burn all senses down.

Sparkles misses the spark.

Lashing out....

Lashing out in desperation...
Lashing out in frustration...
Lashing out in exasperation...
Lashing out in anger....
Isn't that what we do best....
When we are really down and out?

Been there, done that......
Yup, I have been there....
And, done all that....
Yet, at the end of the day...
I am here to stay....
Connected with the lot....
That really was not.

Time and again...
I have been tested....
My patience...
My values...
My integrity....
I have scored full on that...
Until... I lash out...
I lash out in my anger...
I lash out in desperation...
I lash out in frustration...
Lash out, I do....
Lash out, I will...
If after all that I do....
My dues are not awarded to me.

My patience knows no bounds....
So does my anger....
My anger does me in....
My patience does me in too.
I am two ends of a line....
Two far ends...
Yet connected...
But, so disconnected....
One differing from another....
But ends they are.

Lashing out is my way....
Is my way of letting all know...
I exist.... I don't subsist....
Don't take me for granted....
I am me, myself....
Don't rub me on the wrong side...
Am not here for you...
Am here for my own self.

Lashing out....
Is my way of reaching out.

I am alive.....

Glad to say....
And to your disappointment.....
I am alive.....
And kicking....
Thriving in an environment of discontent....
Yet living....
I am alive...alive am I.

A life I chose...
Away from yours....
I live and let live....
Isn't that what we all believe in...
believing in my belief...
I live... I am alive.

There's something to celebrate...
Some occasions to mourn...
Yet live I do...
Celebrating the little things...
Moving on ...
And letting go...
You too on the way....
A long way to go...
Yet, Go I will...
Move on I shall.....
I live .... I am alive.

There comes a time when all's not well....
There are times when I feel weak....
Yet, I am strong....
I know, I am......
I tackle it all....
I challenge the adversity.....
How much will it try me?...
Try, it should...
Full on....
Yet, I live... I am alive...
I am kicking....
Kicking butts for a living...
Living, I am....
Live, I do...
I am alive.

Somewhere down the memory lane...
I lost you...
Somehow, I moved on...
You found me....
I was glad...
Yet, you got lost again...
I moved on.
I lost my innocence....
Looking for you....
I lost my vanity....
Searching for you....
I lost myself......
When I lost you...
I lost you, yes I did....
Yet, I moved on....
I am living....
I live....
I am alive.

Flavor of love....

Ice cream, honey, almonds, peach....Nope that's not the flavor of love...The flavor of love lies in...The word itself. So self explanatory and delicate. So soft yet so strong.... a strong flavor indeed. It has me gasping for air.... exploring for new words to describe the feeling each time.

Flavorsome indeed it is. Having the flavor of the season within arms reach and looking at a new experience each day. People look at us with raised eyebrows... a physical mismatch... no eye candy at all.... but still so much in love and with batting eyelids and love struck looks within. The love speaks it all.... the flavor lingers on... in the air, in the looks and in the eyes. The aroma of fresh love wafting all over the countryside... for all to sample and partake of and pull my legs of course...lol.
The flavor of love is varied. Not one to ever describe it's value. When it's there in your life, you are the happiest. When it's gone..... the flavor turns sour or bitter. But, flavorsome it is , in all seasons at all times. Am loving it..... tasted life through love and mind it... It's beautiful...very tasty indeed.

Going Bonkers...Absolutely Bonkers...

Zoink!
Yup, am going bonkers...Bonkers about life....No, not exasperated....But, separated....from reality....Actually overlooking it. Hahaha! One could really comment... Radhika... You are going Bonkers.
Am doing things that aren't me at all. Am experimenting with life all over again. All because I believe I am in love all over again. But, this time round, there is a reality check and at every step there is a doubt..... of course, I overlook it always as before.
I take risks. Am taking a risk but what the heck! It's my life. And, my life has always been about risks and decisions that have backfired or gone down the drain, yet I stood up every time I fell and moved on.
Now too, am all over mooning about the new love and excitement in my life and am happy being with the person who doesn't mince words, who doesn't say 'I Love You' frivolously. In fact, he doesn't say it at all. And, that is what turns me on coz' without saying he says it all ... his actions speak louder.

He is different. So unlike the countless others in the past. Maybe that's why he caught my eye. He is DIFFERENT.

Am bonkers and in love again and am loving it. Eeeeeeks...... am having fun at my expense and am loving it. There will be more in this series of this seasons love affair.

My blogs, my reality.....

My blogs are my reality...They bring me alive, they keep me going.... Had it not been for my blogs, I would have been lost somewhere in the meandering lanes of the city.... wandering listlessly, wondering what to do. MY WORDS KEEP ME TICKING, THEY ARE THE JUICE OF MY LIFE... FLOWING AND EXPRESSIVE. They help me let the steam out.... my companions when I have nothing to do... I read them over and over again.  People come and go, but my words remain ; rock solid by my side.... I know, the world can  take my all but not my thoughts, not my words.... They are my reality... am the wordsmith .... I am the owner of them all.

The letters of the alphabet are my magic spells. All I need is to wave my wand and they turn into reality, a sensuous flow of emotions... a sporadic flow of thoughts.... words, words everywhere and lots to write about. This life ain't enough for my words to spill out of my wand.... It would take many more lives to live to get it all. Time i running out, am short of time.... my words are dammed and jammed in my head.... my fingers can't type faster than my thoughts... need to move faster, write more... getting it all out...throwing up words of passion... lines of verse unknown.... paragraphs on life and its bounties.... stories untold... secrets unfurled.....dramas unfolding..... that's my life....a  basket of words... a bouquet of verses  and songs unsung.

My blogs are my reality.... they are my story, my life and my REALITY SHOW.

Living a lie.....

Today, Life is all about living a lie.
A lie to be told.
A forced smile on the lips for the world to see.
But, an aching heart within.

Hard to believe....
Right said... it's hard...
But, I live a life of true lies...
Lies that know no bounds....
Lies that make people happy....
Lies that make work happen.....
Lies that pain me....
Smile that's hard to paste on my lips...
But, smile I do....Day in and day out....
A forced existence for the loved ones.....
My life is all about living a lie.

I live a lie...
But, I don't lie....
And, it hurts...
It hurts people.....
My truth hurts them bad....
It hurts me to hurt them...
But, I can't lie....
And, hence am alone and single....
Coz' people can't face truth....
They can't look me in the eye.....
I am the mirror they don't wanna see....
I am the lie they hide behind....
I am the truth they are running away from.

Living a life of lies...
True blue lies.....
Severing of all ties....
No one close....
Not even the ones whom I care about.

Dunno whom to open up to...
Dunno whom to dpend upon...
Dunno where to turn to...
When the sun sets in the horizon.

Living a life of lies....
Blatant truths and reluctant lies.

Of love and much much more...

I can write on and on.....
Volumes on .......
Love and much much more....
Theory comes easy to me....
Practicality isn't my forte'.


Long long ago....
I lost touch with reality....
A really long time ago.....
I became humanly inhumane.

I am what I am....
Because of my life experiences....
I am the  monster that I am....
Because of the decisions I took.
Yet, even in my name....
I never took your name....
I never looked back again.

Each that came along....
Was lost along the way....
Coz' none could be you......
And you could be none.
My life is colourful....
With experiences galore....
Yet, it is sepia.....
Black and white.....
With darkness to the core.

I could write on love and much more.....
Of love and wanting more....
Of pain and days of yore....
But words fail me....
They are at the tip of my tongue and fingers...
Yet am not able to express them....
Human feelings and expressions.....
They are a part of my museum....
My museum of history....
No more a topic of today....
More a chapter from a tattered and torn book.

I definitely want to love....
I really want to give of myself....
But, to whom?
They are all so shallow.....
The men that enter my life...
Why can't I see through their lies?
Why can't I discern between good and bad?
What is it that clogs my memory?
What is it that blocks my vision?
What is it that would really make me happy?
No, not a man again!!!

Wilted Lily....

Jilted in love......
With no fragrance left to share.....
Am a wilted lily....
On the guillotine  board.....
Ready to be beheaded.....
By my own guilt.

Wilted beyond recognition.....
Wrinkled and shaved head......
Held down in shame.....
For the lost vanity of days of yore.

A youth lost early on.....
A day escaped from the sunset.....
You took it all away....
All too soon.

Your escape changed the course of my life...
Your lies changed the  history and geography too....
I became a homeless wreck.....
I became the abominable vixen....
Viewed by all in pity.....
Draped not in virtues, in sin city.

A blooming rose once....
A wilted lily now.

No words to express....

No words to express the feelings being felt these days....
These days am not myself.....
These days am seemingly lost....
Lost to myself and others.....
Friends and colleagues wonder.....
Where has my smile gone yonder.....
Here and there beyonder....
Up and down under.....
Somewhere with the receding monsoon thunder.

No words.... just feelings....
Expressive eyes and a sly but wry smile.....
Where has the bubbly laughter gone....
Where has the wrinkly closed eyes gone....
Where has the dimpled cheeks and cleft chin gone?

Now all that is there is....
A person skeptical....
A person wondering....
A person full of thoughts....
Filled with apprehension...
Looking at every person with distrust....
No words to express the change in persona...
No words to express the vanity lost....
No words to express the trust hindered...
No words to express the values compromised.

Oops!!!! Once again.... All over again....

Head over heels in love once again...... Done it again!!!!

I swore I would never fall in love again after the last break up and I have fallen in love once again. The hopeless romantic that I am, I just can't keep my feelings to myself, and always end up expressing them some way or the other.

Falling in love over and over again comes naturally to me always. Am a natural. Lol!!!!

The guys must be wondering what is she..... insatiable hunger for love always.

I am looking towards making it work for me and the person in my life today. It's not that I never worked at making it work other times also, I did... but I guess you can't clap with one hand.... you need two to tango.

Tango I did....but the mango had no juice in it. Lol!!!!

Am so afraid of commitments now. Somehow commitments don't seem to work for me. The moment I commit myself, everything falls apart. The bricks of the building start falling down upon my head, like Chinese torture. so much for commitment and fidelity. It sounds good only in financial commitments... fidelity bonds. Have seen the ups and downs and the innards of the men so far.... dunno where I lack in my fidelity and commitments. Guess, am not made for the men of this world.

So, in this new relationship there is no commitment..... just fun and companionship. No expectations..... just the feelings but unquenched desires so that it doesn't hurt once again. This time round no dreams, no imaginary world of togetherness, just a need based relation. A need to be there to listen to each other but no expectations that the other person really ought to be there. I WON'T  COMMIT THIS TIME ROUND.

Yes, am in love with a person per se, an individual with some chutzpah and a different on the word around us. But, am afraid to commit. What if he is lost somewhere in this journey of life. I don't want to be left behind hurting.

I am not looking at any commitment from him. He doesn't seem the type to commit..... more the rolling stone type..... my type..... gathering no moss. Let's see what time has in store for us..... as it is, it's a mismatch all the way. No further comments..... just feel the music, the feelings and let go of the past and all the future apprehensions..... coz' there can't be apprehensions if there is no future. Future there seems to be none so far.... he is non committal... and am too afraid to commit. Lol!!!

I Lol a lot..... just a way to express my frustration at the irony of life..... what it serves on a platter is a surprise..... albeit am waiting for something pleasant to turn up one fine day.... hopes of a hopeless romantic..... Till when?..... Good Question!!!!

What do I write?

Am absolutely clueless....
What do I write?
About whom? About what?....
There is nothing left to say or express...
Am  a blank....
A writer's block ....
So to say ... That stops me in my steps....
There is lots to pour out....
Yet words fail me....
Guess my eyes tell them all.....
My kohl rimmed eyes....
Once full of life....
Now dull and lifeless.
What do I write?
My woes and my loneliness....
A regular ranting....
Now long gone dead.....
No more expectations...
Just a sigh....
A sigh of relief.... It's over....
Or is it Really over?
Finally, just a question mark.....
A pregnant pause and a dead silence....
Followed dutifully by a nagging feeling of dread....
A feeling of decaying relations....
A feeling of love gone sour.
What do I write?
Of birds and bees no more....
Of flowery springs of yore....
Of spontaneous smiles....
Making energetic a weary traveller....
Nothing left to brag about,,,,
All the feelings long gone dead.....
No one to care about....
Coz' no one cares about you.
What do I write?
Can't think of a word .....
That would describe this state of being....
Not a can of worms to open....
No nothing... just an eerie silence....
A feeling of dread .....
A feeling long gone dead.
What do I write?.......

A day spent introspecting.....

Spent the day so far thinking, introspecting, weighing the pros and cons and wondering where is it all leading to, where is the end.... if there is one, where is it or is there no end to all this rigmarole of life and it is something that keeps on going on and on and on.....

One just wonders about the meaning of life if it has any to give ... an explanation to your existence if there is any or is it just existing and subsisting but no life real life at all. Words big or small cannot describe what we feel or think... they are just words for what we go through and then nothing at all...... words that make us pour out the innermost feelings and desires and then others claim to know us well ... but is it really so? Can anyone really know you?..... You yourself don't know who you are or the purpose of your being.

Am always wondering ... especially about my escapades .... my brushes with life and death.... my whole being questioned all the time..... that's why he quips, "What is it you are thinking about?" ..... Am always in a thinking mode..... wondering .... retrospecting and introspecting. Is that all I need to do? Is that all I do ? I do so much yet have an insatiable hunger to do more and more....never convinced that what I have done is really done.

There was a time when I felt redundant. Today am at peace with myself as what I can do no one else can do. This has left me with an air that reeks of a superiority complex. No, this is not what I want to do. I want to fly, soar high but still remain grounded. The effort is on always.

A day well spent... introspecting yet remaining grounded to my roots and values.

They don't make 'em men anymore......

They don't make 'em men anymore....
You get them a dime a dozen.....
Groping and begging with lame excuses.......
Looking for a fresh new start always...
You don't get 'em men anymore.

Sex and lies is all they know.....
Love is tossed out the window.....
Integrity a thing prehistoric.....
Real passion something ancient...
A thing of past... feelings redundant.
You don't get 'em men anymore.

Last times bitterness spills over every now and then....
Making me question the new one....
Making me suspect every smile....
Making me suspect....
My own emotions.
They don't make 'em men anymore.

Walking besides each other .....separated by hate

Walking besides each other, hand in hand... standing tall in every which way ..... was a dream I held... till I saw  you with another and procreating elsewhere. My world came shattering down once again... and this time round I didn't feel the need to wait for an explanation from you as I knew like always you would lie again.

You don't need to put the blame on me for seeking too much attention. Don't point a finger at someone when you are in the wrong yourself. You sought attention, you ruined everything by turning to another for attention. Good riddance is all I can say. Blessed is the lady who walked out on you and your wayward ways. You don't deserve love, you deserve the boot. A nice kick where it would hurt the most. Am so glad she left you, she is a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart. You used her and left her hurting. She deserves much better. Her words speak her mind and I second her on that.

You shall never attain peace is the curse which will haunt you all your life. You will never find your true soul mate coz' you hurt them all. Even animals deserve love, can't abuse an animal by calling you one. I ain't going to use flowery words like her to describe you, you despicable soul. You are from hell and that's where you belong today, tomorrow and forever.

Don't expect forgiveness from any quarter coz' you don't deserve it. You don't deserve this ode of hate or even a dekko anywhere. You are lonely and that's the way you shall die, a lonely death with no one to cry over the shroud that would cover your mangled remains.

You have brought this upon yourself with your philandering ways. Expect no pity, for all laugh at you and your foolhardiness. They don't pity you but they loath you. Your own best friend has left you coz' he saw through your thick skin. You shall rot in hell, this Earth is hell for you, your loneliness and lies together will kill you one day. You have hurt a pure soul. You have hurt sentiments. You deserve nothing, you are the very reincarnation of Satan from hell. You have pained a loving soul over and over again... whether she finds true love or not, her pain shall haunt you forever. You shall burn but no you shall not die.... you will be tormented  and forever rot in hell.

Walking besides each other was a distant dream.... it's shattered..... head held low in shame.... I walk alone.... not head held high as once proclaimed..... I walk alone separated by hate and a curse on my lips... You shall rot in hell...... a living hell.

Our love has no name and no explanation....

Yes, This time round I seem to have outgrown my love struck image of love. This time round this love has no name nor an explanation. It's not about him or me, nor is it about us... It is just there and needs to explanation, no description. It's like finding one's place in the heart and feelings of the other. He says, there were countless who said I LOVE YOU , to you... Where are they today? And, that set me thinking... and I thought and thought  till I could think no further and there was no explanation, just an answer.... Yes, I love this intense man...with a passion that is unpredictable.

Our love has no name and no explanation. He doesn't need to say I love you to me, to express his love and passion for me. It shows in his actions and actions do speak louder than words. He is there when I really need him the most in my troubled times..... somehow he just knows that I need him to be there. Who can understand you this well? The vibes, the gestures... that look, saying I know what you are thinking..... Gawd! He is awesome... He just knows me and what I desire.

Finding time in his hectic schedule for me.... just being there no matter what, advising me, bluntly telling me on my face that I am wrong.... I like it. He is not pretending... He is not overlooking, He is just being downright outright forthright. He doesn't pamper me , but yet I feel special and loved and taken care of. That's his charisma......

Our love has no name and no explanation...... yet it exists and thrives.

Men of character.....

Men of character........
You don't come by them anymore......
You find men by the dozen....
Lining the streets.....
Begging for attention.....
Men of character....
You don't come by them anymore.

Chivalry is dead.....
So is justice....
Character is loose....
No strings attached....
Men of character are hard to come by....
Character and morals are a word for morons now....
Morons with no sense of direction...
No sense of perception....
No sensibility left.....
Men of character are hard to come by....
Really.... am not joking... they are sort of extinct.....
A race wiped out by greed and lust....
A community infested with disease...
A diseased mind cannot love....
Or respect a woman ever....
Coz'  a man of character has passed away somewhere.

The journey......

The journey began and ended.....
Each time , caught me unawares.....
When it began and ended, I know not.

The road was smooth , when it all started....
Then the expressway ended.....
And the rough terrain began.....
At first, a trail leading upto the mountains...
The beautiful cloud shrouded mountains....
Who knew, somewhere there...
Lurking behind the mist lay.....
The misfortunes of my life....
Each time the journey began.....
And ended....
A dismal sight.....
A forlorn woman.....
lost in her own world...
And lost to the world too.

Trudging up the mountain path....
Loosened rocks falling here and there....
Lots of ground to cover....
Yet slipping down with every step...
Still the braveheart continues....
For she know not what to do....
Only one thing driving her ahead....
The zest for life renewed.

Somewhere on the road less travelled....
She will find an abode...
A warm fire and some food.....
A glass of wine to devour.
Somewhere someplace in the journey....
A tavern will come....
Welcoming the weary traveller...
Beckoning her to chill.
Somewhere down the road.....
There is a streetlight....
Lighting her path.....
Somewhere someplace....
She will surely find her abode.

The journey seems long and tedious....
But what the heck.....
She is game....
There's a lot to see...
A lot to come....
A lot to experience.
Although forty and one springs have gone by....
She is yet to see the sunshine....
The brightness she promised herself....
When the journey began.

There's more to come from this bag of words....
There is more to endure....
Yet the never ending journey continues .....
For the lady is sure....
That there is this pot of gold somewhere....
From the starting point of the rainbow.....
Till the end of it.....
The journey began from the start of the rainbow....
The end is yet to come.

The journey, the journey....
A sweet and sour experience....
Bitter at times yet good for growth....
Growth of a human....
From a bud into a flower.....
To never wilt under stress.....
To blossom every day.

My love is unwell....

My love is unwell, down with  cold and fever; followed by bodyache and my constant bickerings  and nagging about how little time we spend in each others company. I am missing him of course, but I know he won't be able to meet me today and for quiet some time now. Yet this heart knows not patience but is always demanding his presence. The passion of his kiss on my lips fresh from day one makes me yearn for more and more . Guess I have led to exhaustion in him and the consequent low immunity due to late nights and early mornings... this is what lack of sleep does to a person.

Missing him is my favourite passtime now. Am so full of questions for him yet when he meets me, I only end up in his arms and looking into his eyes and my heavy head rested on his chest.... warm chest all for me. I love my man. He has made me love life.

He entered my life by default at a time when I was clueless and hurting from a recent infidel revelation of a relationship gone BLAND...yup, bland and not sour. No flavour in it just a relationship for the sake of having one. I was wary and on the defensive, alert and suspicious.... but, he dispelled all fears with his child like laughter and cheery outlook on life. A no strings attached relationship has blossomed and I must say, he is cute and yet a very understanding person, who understands every move I make, the lowering of my eyelids or even a sly smile on my face and he knows what my thoughts are at that moment. I always wonder, how he knows me so well... as though he is residing in my brain and my thoughts.

He is a man of few words. He doesn't say anything but says a lot by his looks. One look from him and I melt.
He is younger but far more mature than many double his age. He makes this  world a better place to be in. For me, he is a blessing.... someone who has changed my outlook. Nope, he doesn't pamper me. He believes that I should become rough and tough. Ah! What all have I done to meet him..... the lengths to which I have gone to be with him. The adventure that we have undertaken. Whoa! What a drive.... The man is amazing.... talented human being and different from the rest.

For now, all I know is that I love him. The past is erased, just a faded memory and this is NOW.... a beautiful moment to live and relive with this one man.

My love is unwell, yet I am there with him in spirits and giving him my energy to overcome the virus that's inflicted its wrath on him. My man shall become well soon and we shall embark on some new adventures soon. 

No pain, no gain....

The phrase 'No pain, no gain'....doesn't just apply to me. It applies to one and all. All and sundry. We all learn from our mistakes and cry over the aches and heartbreaks. But yaar, we all get over it and walk on. We don't remain stuck to that one person and the pain. It all ends up in the bin ultimately.

Move on that's what military discipline advocates and I moved on coz' that's the doctrine I follow. Today, am at peace with my status.... Single ready to mingle but no not ready to share my feelings with you anymore. You were given another chance, you squandered your baubles away in frivolous pursuits. This time round, I watched silently, didn't react and moved on as silently as I watched every move of yours. Family is right, family was always right. I wasted time and energy on you but you know what ... YOU WERE GOOD TIME PASS. That's the attitude I am  gonna keep, to keep myself away from falling into the deep abyss of unhappiness and depression. You don't deserve me or the kids not even your own. No need to feel guilty about it, you paid the price for it and believe me there won't be any REFUNDS.

No pain, no gain.... Good times have come again...... you are out of the picture..... to all their OWN. I have moved on and I am happy being with someone who doesn't commit.... No strings attached relationship... I guess that's the best thing to happen to me in a long long time. I am loving it.

No pain, No gain...... I am loving it....

I saw a dream...Give me a reason to stay....

I saw a dream...
I dreamt you being in it...
But, I realised...
It was just that....
A dream....
Coz' when I woke up....
I was all alone....
You weren't there....
You never were.

I walked the extra mile .....
To be with you....
You tried to be with me.....
But your obligations ....
They held you back....
And, I had to walk alone....
That extra mile and beyond.

Am thinking...
Am always thinking....
What is this relationship all about....
You want to keep it a secret...
Why?....
What is it that you are afraid of?....
Am I just a time pass?...
If I am, let me know....
Don't make me dream....
Don't let me commit.....
Am committed always from day one...
In any relationship....
But expect the same passion from the other end.....
If it's not visible....
I give up and walk away....
Don't let me do that in our case.....
I am fidgeting....
I am restless.....
There is only so much I can do....
After which, all I do is ......
Walk away.....
And, when I turn around....
I never look back.....
I won't look back...
My resolve is strong.......
 My decision is never changing.....
My belief is staunch....
Once I go...
I go away for good.

I saw a dream.....
You were there....
Now, I don't dream....
You might not be there....
So, I don't dream.
Give me a reason to stay....
There is none as yet.....
I can't always give...
I need love too..
If I don't get it....
You don't get me.

I saw a dream.....
That was last night....
Give me a dream tonight....
Or walk away....
I won't follow you....
I won't call out your name....
It will be business as usual....
Life will go on....
Give me a reason to stay.....
Give me a dream to dream.

Skeletons in my cupboard.....

There are skeletons in my cupboard....

Of ghosts from the past...

Of spirits long gone away....

They left their remains behind....

I guess am the Bone collector....

The very thought sends a chill up my spine....

Thoughts of the souls returning to spite me.

Yes, there are skeletons in my closet.

They left not just like that...

They took a piece of me with them....

All they left behind are .....

The skeletal remains of a naive and good woman.

They robbed me of my jewels...

A novelty not found anywhere..

The vanity of a woman....

The dignity of a lady....

They robbed me of my soul...

And all that was left behind were the bones.....

Bones of  discontent...

A closet filled with the stench of rotting flesh....

A cupboard full of cluttered remains....

Of a mind scared and at wits end.

The skeletons in my cupboard...

Make a lot of noise....

They make me go bonkers....

The thoughts are a mess....

All jumbled and a puzzle....

Am not good at solving puzzles...

So I trash them all.....

The hollow eye pits....

The gaping jaws.....

The bony and cold feel....

The skull makes me jump...

A cackled laugh in the foreground....

An ashen face flashes past....

I wake up shivering and with a cold sweat....

It's just a nightmare.....

Of days to come.

The day I shall open...

The cupboard wide ajar...

I know the skeletons will come...

Tumbling out and strewn apart.

Then what will you say.....

Then where will you look....

Will you still stay.....

With all the mess around me?

And the journey begins.....

Today I embark on a journey of self realization and self actualization. I start to recognise myself as an individual on my own... a force to reckon with.... an identity that has created itself and carved a niche' for herself in this big bad world.

Today, I promise myself happiness.... my self and my freedom. Today, I let go of all my weaknesses . I won't let anyone take me for granted, I am me, myself and need my space. I have given enough of myself and now it's payback time. Pay up or leave me alone. I don't trust you , I trust my instinct and it says stay away from the evil one.... Steer clear of the devil. You are the devil, the very reincarnation of Satan, I can see it... I won't let you pull me down... or pin me down.You have raped me of my sanity.... No more shall you rule the roost.... you are a non entity in my life as of now.... I am over and done with you.

And , lo behold!... The journey begins.... I know not what lays ahead... all I know is that I embark on this path all alone.. with the intention of covering the distance all alone in tranquil peace and harmony with myself.

Walk away, if you want to.......

Walk away, if you want to.....
Run away, if you want to...
Am not coming after you....
That's me, the one with a heart of stone.

You are free to live your life....
The way you have always lived.....
Am no one to bind you....
Coz' I too live life on my terms......
And that don't include being in bondage.

You have made your choice....
I have made mine too....
Am totally blanked out....
Memories erased.....
None to keep me awake waiting for you....
None to make me remember you.
You are just another name....
Another person in the room....
Not someone once I knew....
There is nothing.....
No feeling, nothing at all....
Walk away..... You have already done that....
I shall walk the other way.

Sometimes.........

Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that makes me tick...
Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that inspires me....
What is it beyond the yonder....
That is my pulse ....
And my heartbeat.

Sometimes I wonder...
Whether what I am doing is right or not..........
Sometimes... just sometimes I pinch myself....
To feel the sharpness of my nails....
To feel real....
To feel alive... and kicking....
Sometimes ... just sometimes... I want to experience....
Who I truly am.

Sometimes... I want to peel off that mask.....
I want to be without the make up....
That hides the fine lines of experience... good and bad...
Sometimes.... just sometimes....
I want to look my natural self.....
A beautiful, genuine human being...
Naked in her thoughts...
Naked and open in her opinions....
Just myself....
Sometimes... I just wanna be me, myself.

Sometimes I believe....
In the power that lies within...
Sometimes I believe in myself...
But those moments are rare...
More are the moments ....
When I am down and out...
Bogged down by the moralities of life....
Morality set by an insane society....
Morality that degrades...
Morality that has no moral values....
Morality that is unjustified....
Morality that sometimes.....
Can mean the end of any relationship...
Morality that has no meaning....
Sometimes I believe...
We live in a moral society....
Based on it's own baseless thoughts.

Sometimes... I want to fly....like a bird......
Sometimes I want to swim ... like a fish....
Sometimes I wanna be free.....
Free and dancing in gay abandon....
Rejoicing the gift of life.....
Sometimes... just sometimes....
I want to be free.....
Free from the age old bondage of being a woman.

Sometimes.... sigh!.... Sometimes.....

The swagger in my walk...

The swagger in my walk...
Shows how confident I am...
The lilt in my voice....
Shows how at ease I am....
The look in my eyes .....
Though give me away....
The look of a woman ...
Scorning the rest of the lot....
The look that says....
I am above you all.

The swagger in  my walk...
The steps that I take...
The quiet heel down and the tip toe ...
Shows am a lioness on the prowl.

The cool look in my gaze...
Hot enough to put you in a daze.....
The looks of a killer.....
The dazzled eyes and their sparkle....
It could kill anyone...
If I wanted to...
But I don't care...
Coz' am above them all.

The smile on my lips....
Something that they look forth to...
A billion dollar smile....
A 24 carat shine...
A thousand watt brightness....
A smile to die for....
Countless lost their hearts to it....
Countless more to go....
When will all this narcissism end...
Who knows...This is just the beginning...
Am all set for a new match...
A brand new innings.

The swagger in my walk...
The smile on my lips...
The twinkle in my eyes....
The confidence in my stride....
It says all....
Guess what....
This is the brand new gala day...
When I go ahunting again....
The maneater from Kumaon....
Am known not just like that.

Towards the end....

Towards the fag end of the day....
I guess you can't call it quits....
Until it is well done.....
Until you really mean it.
Towards the end of a relationship...
When all else is crumbling around you...
When you see your whole world....
Washed away in your pitiful tears...
You just can't give up....
Give up you must....
If there is no response....
Give up you must when you find no respite...
Just give up... towards the end of the day....
Let go.... let them be.
Towards the end...
You will sense a wave of relief....
Take over and override everything else....
Towards the end....
You will find your salvation.
If this is The End....
So be it....
Am game for a new beginning.....
Am longing for a new dawn.
Towards the end...
Nothing matters at all...
 No emotions, no feelings....
Just a numbness....
A cold start to a fresh new day....
A revving of the spirits....
Gunning for a new dawn....
A new experience...
A new beginning....
A new seed sown....
A new ray of hope....
Someday, sometime, someone would be there....
Till then...move on... keep going...
That's what the heart says...
That's what the mind says....
The eyes just get blinded....
Is it a tear or the dew drops...
I do not know...
All I know is a warm feeling....
Trickling down my cheeks.
Towards the end....
My tears mingle with the August rain....
I walk... walk alone into the sunset.

Priorities......

Guess I need to prioritize....
Who's gonna be beside me.....
Who am I gonna meet...
Who it is that I give my time to...
I really need to draw the line....
The fine line.... that decides....
Who is in and who is out.

I need to see that....
I don't waste my time waiting...
For people, in whose priority list I don't feature....
What a waste of beautiful moments...
Waiting for someone who will never be there.....
Never be there for me ever...

I really need to prioritize....
Learnt my lesson well....
Twiddling my thumb...
Waiting upon someone...
Who had priorities set right....
Guess am just a back up plan for lonely nights....
And bored days...
Need to set my limits....
Keep people off limits....
Not giving them an inch...
To take me for a ride again.

I have set my priorities too....
And I guess you don't feature......
In the to do list no more...
You set your priorities...
And, now I set my own.

Couldn't have been possible....

Whatever that has happened so far in my life could have been avoided if I had followed the common path.... I didn't.... I made my own trail in the concrete jungle.... a trail that leads to nowhere yet reaches me somewhere. I don't expect anyone to follow suit, not even my kids.. they should carve a life out for themselves... I am just an example of what can happen if you rebel and go your own way... try it.... take it or leave it... I ain't no one to give advises.... I ain't the sort to guide.... I ain't the one to lead you.... I take you with me in my experiences first hand... I myself do not know what lays ahead but I know, am game for some adventure always.

All this couldn't have been possible for me had people not come and gone out of my life.... poof.... one moment there and the next gone.... vaporized.... but yet the experiences I felt with them... in their company for a brief while, shaped my destiny and my today. No hard feelings for anybody... but a heart felt thanks for being there for a moment and then moving on and giving me my space and time to breath.

I am what I am coz' of my experiences and am glad of those moments that changed me and my outlook on life. Am happy with whatever cards life dealt me.... feel like a winner all the way.... I gambled all my life.... am still gambling it.... the maverick that I am.

There is not a single thought of remorse.... no thought at all... just a blank page that I fill in each day with my new experiences daily.... and then erase it all and fill in again. A never ending story to be written each moment till my last breath.

All this couldn't have been possible if I didn't have a family supportive enough to forgive every rebellion of mine, to overlook every mistake I have made so far..... a family that loves me no matter what.... come hail and thunderstorm they have stood by my side.... never letting me fall.... I stumbled and they supported me..... They made it possible for me to brush off the dirt from my dress and move on.... egging me on..... That's what family is for.... Unconditional love.

If I am what I am , I am coz' of my kids, who took in all my experiences good or bad in their stride, always by my side and their snide remarks and jokes about my countless affairs.... kept the humour strong and supple and the mood light. The first ones to know the condition of my heart and the beats .... they are my pillars of strength.

All this couldn't have been possible .... but for all these people and the influence they have had on my life.... my friends, my foes ..... my family, my kids..... and my ever romantic infallible heart.

Unsure moments........

There are moments when am not sure whether he is really interested in me. Those are the trying moments when I turn melancholy and go into a pensive mood. A mood that makes me wonder whether what I am doing is right. How can I  make one person my whole and sole. A rhetoric of emotions where am always wondering whether he really is into me or just playing around.

 Am not sure.... Unsure moments.

There are moments when he goes all out and is there for me and moments when I need him and he isn't there at all. What a dilemma? Always wondering whether what I am doing is right or not.

Guess I need to take a call and get out of this uncertainty. Need to buck up. Can't keep my life on hold for one person. Need to move on. Can't waste my time waiting upon a person unsure of himself.
This insecurity is killing me. Every moment am contemplating telling him I want to call it quits. But, am unable to do so. Unsure moments... unsure emotions... unsure musings.

Those moments whence he showered his undivided attention on me are mere memories to me which bring a wry smile on my lips .... that's all. It has no meaning now, when I need him he ain't there. What's the use of remembering a bygone era... moments that are not going to come back again.

Unsure moments for me.... a big decision to make.

And, I thought I was the only one.....

Yes, I thought I was the only one...
But I was all wrong....
An assumption gone awry.....
Dreams shattered and heart broken...
I lay there on the bed....
Looking up at the ceiling....
Muttering to myself...
And, I thought I was the only one.

Dark eyed from lack of sleep...
Stammering a few words...
I walk into the walk of life.....
A hollow self of mine...
Everyone notices....
The stagger in the walk.....
They all can feel the alcohol in my breath....
I tried to drown my sorrows in it.....
I tried to stifle my cries....
I tried in vain to camouflage....
The everlasting pain.
And, I thought I was the only one.....
When there was another...
Lurking in the shadows....
Behind your veiled eyelashes....
And, seriously all along....
I thought you loved me only....
Whence all you ever wanted from me....
Was a moments pleasure.....
A feeling of having conquered ...
And gained the most prized possession...
I ain't no jewel in your crown...
I ain't the doormat you seek....
I am every woman.....
And I walk away from you....
Today and forever, I shall never speak...
Coz' I know..... I ain't the only one...
I can never be.....
I have learnt my lesson well....
You are history Mister....
You do not feature anywhere.....
In my list of favourites anymore.
And, you thought you were the only one?

Love knows no bounds......

Love knows no bounds....
No age ... no caste... no creed...
It is just a pure sensation.....
A feeling running through your veins....
A river flowing in your body...
Boundless by time....
Limitless by emotions....
Feelings that hold forth...
A promise for a beautiful time to come.

Love knows no bounds....
I have seen it happen .....
Over and over again....
Every time a new experience....
A new game to begin....
Game because....
That's how it begins and ends....
And I term it love.....
Is it truly love?
Only time can tell...
But each time a deep imprint was left....
Each time I cried....
Each time.... I mourned....
The death of a relationship....
Each time I bid it adieu...
Each time it grew and grew.....
A monster, they call Love.

Love knows no bounds....
And yes I have loved....
A thousand men....
I have lost count.....
A thousand kind souls...
A thousand broken hearts somewhere....
But I broke too....
I broke my promise to myself each time....
Yet I was in a relationship always....
Falling in love but never in grace....
Coz' I am meant to love... not grieve...
I am meant to pick up the threads...
And move on....
Move on I shall each time...
Go on loving each time.

Love knows no bounds....
No walls ....
No age... no caste... no creed and no colour.

Oops! I did it again....

Oops! I did it again.....
I promised myself...
I won't fall in love....
And I did......
So here I am.....
Once again in a soup.....
Oops! I did it again.

The heartache has begun.....
The pain is back....
I fell in love...
And hurt myself once again.....
Another number added to the long long list...
As you would like to put it...
It should make you glad.....
Am off your back.
You are free to go....
Wherever you came from...
Wherever you wanna go...
Never the one to hold anyone back....
I set you free....But...
Did I ever shackle you?
No, I didn't  do that...
Am not the kinds to tie anyone...
Am the one who lets you remain free...
Oops! I did it again..
Sorry dear heart of mine...
I know you are feeble and not fine...
I can't help but fall in love....
For you are made to give....
Just one more time.....
Brave the pain....
I promise....Dear heart...
Never to fail you again....
I swear, love is not for me....
I realise after the fall.....
It's from our mistakes we learn...
I seem to forget all the time.

Oops! I did it again.....

No clarification to give or needed............

Need no clarification....
Nor feel the need to give one....
That's how I am...........
Unpredictable, just like you.

No assumptions...
I ain't assuming.....
Done with all that before....
Am in no mood at all....
No mood for arguments....
No mood for clarifying....
I am just like that....
Take it or leave it....
Like it or lump it.

My life sucks...
I have no choice...
I made the choice....
And am paying the price for it...
A lifetime of struggle....
To create an identity I lost.....
Am lost n this maze....
That you call life....
It ain't for me.....
I am made for pain....
And that's what you get....
When you hold my hand...
A lifetime of pain.

Let me be by myself....
Or come join me....
The choice is yours to make....
Not my liberty to take.

I have nothing to lose...
You would have to stake....
All that you've got....
To be by my side....
I don't think you are ready for that.............
It's a rough road to take....
Too many potholes...
Not ones you can navigate.

So, be the free bird that you are...
Let me be alone....
I was made for solitary life....
Not a companion  to take.

No clarification to give or needed.....
Go live your life your way.....
Lemme walk alone my way.

On a day like this......

On a day like this, when people the world over are catching up on friends and relations..... my own friends are sending messages and trying to bond with me.... Why am I so sad? Why have I switched off? Why am I hiding?Why am I shying away from responding? What is it that I am covering up? Why...........

Why am I listening to depressing songs making me feel horribly miserable? Damn this state of being.....

On a day when everyone is bonding... why am I aloof?

Where has my sense of humor gone? I need to bring it back to bounce back else I shall sink..... sink in the quicksand of depression...... Now's not the time for that.... I have only just begun....... Can't get pulled down by setbacks and heartbreaks.....

Guess, this song by Dido sums it all up for the time being....

Nothing that I have is truly mine.... Dido

Yes, my life is for rent.....And, I don't like to buy.... Nothing I have is truly mine... DIDO...

That sums up what I am feeling and am .............

Miserably blogging my blues away............Painting a new picture again....

The best thing to do.... Love yourself... you will never end up hurting yourself. People come and go.... you shall remain with yourself..... The self remains.

Miserable.... is the word of the day. Feeling utterly miserable, thanks to this ever believing heart that believes every lie it is told and then ends up down in the dumps ultimately. Have been a fool ... so to say... made a terrible fool out of myself.... a laughing stock in front of others.... Believing something which was not there and the message was clear.... I was just time pass.

The hurt goes deeper than I thought it would......it's unbearable... am feeling miserable to the extent of looking for a place to hide my face in shame. I just need to get away from all this.... maybe walk away from what exists and go far away... easier said than done.... my responsibilities don't allow me this freedom... and I shall remain miserable ....knowing well the bone of contention is around.

The situation gets worse when you can't even cry lest someone sees your tears and you are considered weak.

A turmoil deep in the recesses of a bleeding heart .... a struggle to bring a false smile on your face that has lost all its glow and glory.

Seriously, why can't I just let go and swear never to give anybody a chance to ever break my heart again and again. I need to make myself an armour of steel.... Iron lady.... Ice maiden... that's the solution..... nothing and no one can penetrate that wall and I shall be safe and single again. What a blissful feeling it would be... no one to look forward to.... no one to say anything to.... no one to belong to... lonely, melancholy and all by myself and blogging away about nonsensical stuff and people who no more matter in my life. Is that so? Is that reality... or am I creating a wall around myself and turning into a recluse the same one that I was a while ago. But, at least I wasn't hurting then,,, is that so? I was hurting then,,,, am hurting now.... and shall always hurt coz I am  human and I have loved and lost and I shall make the same mistake over and over again.... loving and losing is a beautiful game.... my favourite game.....Time to just let go and move on.... I don't need to explain myself.... I have done no wrong... your notions and assumptions held you back.... remain there..... I can't sit still.... am not still waters am the river .... I can't stop and rest at  a place.... I move on.... go with the flow... I have no destination ...... am sometimes calm and sometimes wild ..... That's who I am.... You are a solid rock.... I take  a piece of you with me and you are left behind as I move on. Move on ... I must... That's my destiny..... and I make my destiny today.... and henceforth.

Whew! What an outburst..... Am feeling empty within. Blank..... Erased.

Let me get my easel, paints and brush and start painting a new picture again...........

Confused confessions..... Dawning upon me...

I am always getting confused.....
A state of affair since I gained consciousness...
I guess, am always getting lost....
In meandering gullies and lanes...
And in the travails of life.

Confused confessions to make ...
Confusion to create....
Mirages to blow over....
Like inflated balloons to pop over....
A bursting medley of popcorn emotions....
Gone down the gullet in a jiffy....
A vanishing act seldom seen...
In sound minds ...
And awakened souls.

Confessions today,,,
Coz' the lady has been unjust to herself....
A long long time...
It's time to bring in some joy.....
To usher in illumination....
A brilliance  desired.....
A flame rekindled.

A living hell...
If Pandora's box is opened...
Confessions can singe your skin...
Burn your flesh...
The roasting smell overbearing...
A very rotten sight to see.

Let the confessions be... Lady...
This ain't the right time to let it all out...
Wait... bide your time...
Don't lose sleep over someone....
Who has no time for you....
But, yes give the new dawn a chance....
Which brings a smile to your tired lips.

Dawning upon me ....
Is a confession ...
My heart has to make....
Should I make it now...
Or, wait for the right time....
If it is to ever come....?
Confused confession.....Dawning upon me.....

All I think about is.....hehehehehehe

Never make your desires stronger than you. Once they exist, it's very difficult to get over them and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when they are not fulfilled. An anger that distills your soul and vaporises everything within. You lose yourself in the process. All I think about is my anger and how to control it..... my frustrations and how to keep them at bay.... it's a  constant struggle to keep my desires under check.

You say, you know I am thinking all the time.... yup, I am. But, not the way you assume it to be .... the assumption ain't right. I presume, am always in deep thought but not in conniving or devising anything but desiring and attracting the same to me. The secret, I can.... and I shall.

All I think about is, why does this man never say anything. Why? He fulfills all my desires.... I just have to utter a word and lo behold! I get it.... but, what I want to hear, I don't get to hear. I want to hear you say it.... there's no use projecting it..... it makes no sense to me.....Err, it does but I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth..... Neigh....

All I think about is.... you and what am I upto.... where is all this leading to...it makes no sense to me. Am utterly dismayed at my actions and frankly have no clue, why this is happening in the first place... why? No clue at all.

All I think about is, am I doing the right thing? But, dammit.... I have no self control... I just melt on hearing your voice... and knowing that's my weakness, yet I yearn to hear it all the time. Am not confused..... just apprehensive...coz,  all I think about is you , all the time.... anytime... anywhere and everyone knows.....coz am glowing and beaming and shy all the time.... no, I didn't tell anyone... everyone is curious to know... they know whpo it is, but they want me to say it..... whenever your name crops up in conversations and I turn scarlet, they know it... I know it, coz when they utter your name...I turn beetroot red and all eyes are turned on me....the cat gets my tongue... I just keep quiet and THEY KNOW IT.

All, anybody has to do is read my blogs and they would know, it's you.... all they have to do is put the pieces of this puzzle together and see your name carved in my heart.... writ large on my face.... the smile on my lips.... sealed with a kiss.

All I think about is ... YOU.... all the time.

Of Cowboys and Aliens....

Yups.... I love cowboys and aliens fascinate me. It had been ages since I last saw a cowboy oriented movie and something to do with aliens. My thirst was quenched when I saw one which had both my favourite characters in it and also one of my all time favourites Harrison Ford and also one of the latest craze, Daniel Craig. Thank you for springing this surprise on me.

Of course, it was rather impromptu.... I liked it.... or rather I like that.... hahahhahah.

These small little gestures and surprises make a relationship meaningful and something to look forward to and to die for. It makes one sit upright and think....wow! there is someone who cares enough to find time for you despite a hectic and busy life in the Metro. Your heart goes out to the person and you go weak in the knees and you just can't stop gushing all over and beaming a smile from ear to ear. The smile is for all to see. It says it all. My little ones are wondering, why their Mom can't stop smiling.

Being the sceptic that I am, critical in my views ... It's hard to believe that such acts can be conducted even today without a word being said about the feelings that make you do it. Hmmmm.... But, damn it.... I want to hear you out.... shout out... like Tarzan..Omigosh! Why am I behaving like a deeply infatuated school girl.

It's a rather tricky situation as of today..... am travelling on two boats..... one foot on each......... it's like a decision has to be made ...concrete, which one to travel on?  Am set on what I want, but who it is, is a big question. I want love, unconditional pure love.... sincerity, faithfulness, integrity, compassion......not possession.....not someone who ain't sure about himself, who doesn't know left from right, who is hell bent on making himself rather than caring about me.... it's a catch 22 situation and I am not confused but in a dilemma as to how to break the news.But, what's there to say? There is nothing concrete on either side. Nobody has committed and here I am raving and ranting about it, beating the blues out of me, scrounging my head and pulling my hair out for nothing at all.

At least Cowboys are men that know `what they want.... so do Aliens.... but, what's it with men in my life? Why can't they decide once and for all, what they want from me? It can't be money, coz I have none... then, what is it that they seek in me? I have nothing to offer? No youth, no beauty left to show...just a harangued and sick brain.

I wish at this moment, a UFO comes down and sweeps me away into deep space, coz the cowboys have failed to sweep me off my feet and taken me far away to the wild, wild west. What an imagination.... all the work of a diseased mind... infected with LOVE.

Tomorrow's challenges...... Today's solutions..... I am a fraud too...

Tomorrow what happens, we know not.Today, what we do, we know. Tomorrow's challenges are today's solutions. A big statement to make.... and perhaps a bigger mistake in the making. Who cares? I do... No, I don't. A constant dilemma..... no solution in sight..... a heart bereft of any emotions... a mind robbed of its peace.

Who knows what challenges we may face tomorrow. What new problems will come our way.... we can anticipate them,... yet not know fully when they would strike. Are we prepared for an onslaught of possible pain and pleasure? Are we all set in our goals to achieve? Have we archived what we need and what is it that makes us tick? No, and pray why not? It's because, you can't set things your way.... not our goals... what tomorrows dawn brings with it, is a mystery to one and all.. what might happen the next second is a big question... no prophecy no Guru can foretell.

Live in the moment. Every second counts..... Easier said than done.... but,  I do. Going with the flow... as once someone asked me to..... moving and grooving to the bio rhythm of my surroundings.... That's what I do. There are times, when I do feel exasperated.... gasping for air..... I need a breather too and these are the times and life of an otherwise boring and stale moments we live. Monotonous humongous everyday jobs... smiles when you are down and out but yet you need to put up a show of happiness... Huh! Fraud world and fraud emotions... fraud men and fraud women.... all cheating on themselves.... all cheating on others..... Then, how am I different? I am a fraud too. I cheat on myself. I cheat on my emotions and my passion. I deny myself what I truly need. All for what?

All for tomorrow's challenges and today's solutions..... a brief momentary pleasure..... a high and then an all time low. I am a fraud too. I am faking it, when I say I am happy.... I am not..... 

Inner peace......

The image of God.... something which we like..... a devotional song..... music to tired ears....that is what the struggle in life is all about....finding peace....inner peace.

I shed a silent tear..... every now and then...... I know I am nearer to you my creator...... long before it happened..... I saw you...... and I knew you were there... always silently watching.... standing strong behind me.... letting me make mistakes..... holding my hand when I was down and out.

Today too, I need you..... I may say I am financially sound..... I have a great job..... yet I am not happy. I need you to help me take the right decisions....I need you to keep me grounded.... What insecurities bother me... I can't pen them down yet they are bothering me and bringing me down.

I know what I have been upto in the past couple of days isn't morally right..... not in my situation ...not in my capacity..... but am helpless..... my heart just gives way and  am unable to control my actions or the words I speak.

I must bring an end to this frivolous escapade of mine..... yet am in no control of the situation.... Is it fated to be happening? Or, am I just imagining stuff? I am clueless...... am like a puppet acting my part out..... I want this to stop..... it cannot without the participation of the other party. Am the wet cement ....... impressionable.....just like how I put it for little kids.... am not  a kid yet I feel like one... I want to explore the possibilities.... I want to try out new things..... yet my age and status do not permit me so socially... societal pressures are innumerable..... so are emotional downturns.

Peace... inner peace is what I seek...... am unable to achieve it...... It is frustrating to know that you are there yet it is not within your reach. Once upon a time I had everything.... yet I lost it all one night.... In one instance everything was severed and life was shattered to bits and pieces..... yet I stood tall... I braved the storm.... then why today when I have the whole world at my feet am I so helpless and in an introspective mood..... why am I letting it all go for a brief moment of pleasure?

Dangerous liaisons...... that mean the end.... the dooms day prophecy for any relationship. My actions of today scare me..... what is it that I seek? Where is all this going to lead? I was happy in the knowledge that I had none to make me go weak in the knee..... yet today I kneel in front of thee..... seeking answers to questions that I myself cannot answer...... Do not ask me to look within.... do not ask me to search for a solution... I ask you to mend things..... make my life livable again.

These constant batterings to the soul have left me bereft of emotional security......I am reduced to half thinking what is right and what is wrong... trying to remove chaff from the grain that is my soul. My health has taken a lashing..... my mindset a bashing......Am but a sad reflection of my former self.... the regal demeanour replaced by a gaunt look. A ghostly figure...... a spirit in bondage..... I seek inner peace.... nothing else matters.