Not the last blog.... just not yet

Yup, Just not yet my last blog. How can I not write what I feel? How can I not express what I go through? Am  a Word smith, I can't stop spinning my web of words..... It's my life....

When I am at any juncture in my life.... words give me company... my thoughts turn into words and flow out.... inner peace is what they provide my troubled mind with. Turbulent relationships, staid and boring ones, all are expressed through words. Excitement filled days and days when nothing happens, my words give me company.

I do not follow a pre-written format or a given set of instructions. I just write what comes to my mind in whichever manner my fingers deem it fit to type the letters out.

Am so in love with my musings that I feel I need to give vent to them and let them just flow, fly on wings of words and embed in my blog. There is a thin line between sanity and insanity, I am on that border... but what the heck, does it matter as long as I am able to express what's bothering me and what eggs me on.

My words bring peace to my mind. They bring a semblance to my thoughts. They make me think.... and implement. I write and do what I need to do. When you read what you have written and feel Oh My God! Is this what I wrote, I must be crazy deep down, you know you have arrived.. you have hit Bull's Eye. You have connected with your self and made a bonding. That's the bond that sets you free to explore alternatives to words that you have used and find new ones to express yourself with.

Just not yet, am I ready to hang up my boots..... I have only just begun.... It's my calling now... and I go for the kill and make a life and career out of it. So, although I would be hard pressed for time, but I shall keep popping in and out of my blog spot adding a zing and chutzpah to it from time to time.

This or any other is not my last blog, not my last musing.... it's just the tip of an iceberg.... there's lots more coming beneath it to down the Titanic, that is life............ to take in what I feel and take along what I feel henceforth... an expression of myself..... just not yet... no I won't break the nib of my pen just yet..... the day I do that would be my last on Earth.... my entire life is in my pen, I can't put it down.... it has to go on penning the deep thoughts and keep me alive for generations to come......

I shall live through my words for I am the Word smith that I am.

Confessions of an Unjust Lady: Life couldn't have been better....

Confessions of an Unjust Lady: Life couldn't have been better....: "Yup, a great career, an amazingly refreshing relationship with God, man and kids.... what else do I need to say... life couldn't have been b..."

Life couldn't have been better....

Yup, a great career, an amazingly refreshing relationship with God, man and kids.... what else do I need to say... life couldn't have been better.

I thank almighty God up there somewhere, though I believe he is always behind me , looking over my shoulders at what I am doing, the abominable spy, I say... lol.

Am thankful to the man in my life, for making every moment of it today , a beautiful tomorrow to look forward to. He is my Knight in shining armour indeed. He does everything to keep me happy and that's what matters... it shows he cares and will always be there no matter what. He is here, with me today , that is what is so beautiful and shows his caring nature.I love him ... he is my life... can't think of a life without him around me anymore. I have given him the sole rights to my life and times. I am married to him in mind and matter doesn't matter anymore...He is my whole and soul.

He comes to me and gets a package deal.... two lovely and beautiful kids with hearts of gold. It makes a complete family picture. The kids are the most adorable in the Universe.... Touchwood! They make our life rock... may they always be happy and successful in life.

My career is shaping up beautifully and I couldn't have asked for anything better than doing what I love to and believe in.... Education.

My life is an open book... come read it and learn the lessons of your lifetime. It's one filled with roller coaster rides, bumpy and dangerous.... you have to find your way through thick fog and wade through tides, but at the end you come out as a whole being... a satiated soul.

All the people associated with me right from my conception to this day helped shape the life I have led... and frankly looking back at everything , I am happy and there are no regrets. And, as my Man repeats my words... I have forgiven but not forgotten..... yup, learnt my lessons well but turned a blind eye to the torturers of my soul... given them the chance to better themselves and rejoin me in my quest for peace and happiness.

There can be no greater happiness than one where your state of being is in sync with the tunes of the world and you go on living happy, smiling always and spreading cheers all around you.

Love you for being there beside me today..... You are my man and I am your woman, together we create a beautiful world.... a beautiful life together.

Last blog... bidding adieu...

Yup, maybe my last blog... might not get time to write in future due to service exigencies and lack of time. Anyways the inspiration to write has been chopped down mercilessly.... my heart weeps as I bid adieu to my blogspot ... for a long long time to come... not a word may appear... seldom will something inspirational happen.... as and when it does... the blog will be sighted..... till then adiós... ciao... DASVIDANIYA...

Time and Place....

There is a time and place for everything.... I had my time in sunshine.... I lolled about, enjoyed every moment while I was sunbathing and soaked in all the goodness. But, too much of Sun, ain't good for you; so, it's time to just move on and find a place under the shade of a tree. A tree strong and supple, which stays grounded and never asks for more than your love and care. A tree, a soul that is there always no matter what... someone dependable.

Life is so much more than finding a mate. It's the soul that needs a mate not the mortal self. And, the search begins for some.... but me... I have so many soul mates to fall back upon... people who are there for me no matter what... dependable, honest people with no airs about them... they make my life rock.

The place to be in is NOW, the power of the Universe cannot be questioned. If destiny closes one door, another opens and its beckoning me with open arms.... come dissolve yourself in me... become one with me. Yes, it's time to immerse in the NOW and HERE.... the place I am meant to be in. My place in the sunshine and shade are reserved ...exclusive rights and boy am I glad... I have the best seats under the big blue sky and the starlit night. Whew! What an innings and what an opening..... the gates of heaven have opened up.... showering blessings upon me... the light has shown me the path.... the Gods have been so supportive.. love GOD  for his benevolence.... I have my family by my side and that is what matters the most... a family that loves you no matter what... a family that's there for you when you are down and out.... am happy, couldn't be happier and more blessed.

Maybe the heartbreak was meant to be, to teach me the value of my family in my life and about the conniving ways of the world. It was meant to remove the morsel stuck in my throat for decades... to shake me, wake me up from my reverie and tell me... hey dude... move on, there's no one there just your imagination.

There is a time and place for everything..... what was there has faded with time... it was just virtual reality... it brought out the best in you... now move on.... be selfish .... start caring for yourself not OTHERS.... they don't belong to be there with you... they chose death over you..... death of a beautiful relationship which was never meant to be. They were given that choice... the time and place... your time and a place in your heart and they just couldn't fit in there............ let them go... it was never meant for them.... your time, your heart is for someone more deserving..... someone waiting upon you... someone who loves you truly and would fight every demon be it anyone or anything; passionately, just for you... who wouldn't betray your trust and faith. Who would be there by your side no matter.... come what may... he would be there.. he won't leave you sobbing and hurting all alone. He won't seek pleasures elsewhere just because you aren't there, who would wait patiently upon you and your fair counsel. You have loved truly and given your best, have faith .... the doors of heaven haven't closed for you, they are open 24x7, just for you.

There is a time and place and that someone is just waiting to take you in his arms..... FOREVER.

Tell the heart... it's over... move on... let go.....IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE...

One does hurt.... but what the heck life goes on... newer avenues open up, new people to bond with. Forget the one who hurt you, move on says the mind and the heart follows suit. So easy to say and so difficult to implement, yet we need to do just that... Move on, let go.

Tell the heart, it's over... move on, let go... It was never meant to be. Had it been so, it would have borne fruition the first time itself. It didn't, it won't ever. You were never meant to be together, destiny or no destiny.... you can't live  a lie all your life.... he isn't worth your tears... it's over, move on. Steel your heart, do not let anyone hurt you again. You are not meant for these mere mortals... you are meant to do greater things in life... better yourself with each breath... become stronger with each moment.

Each moment henceforth, make yourself better and remind yourself never to make the same MISTAKE again. First time was a learning experience.. but I never learnt from it and made the mistake, a second time.... don't do it again... it will be catastrophe a third time. You never get so many chances at learning, you have been given this chance, don't squander it away. This time round, close all the doors... don't open them, no matter what... he doesn't deserve you at all. keep him as a memory, a lesson well learnt... that's all.

Don't give importance to someone who will never be there for you... someone who seeks cheap pleasure elsewhere. Move on....... tell that weeping heart to let go.... don't waste a tear no more... I know it's easier said than done, but do it... one step at a time... just do it... LET GO..... It was never meant to be.

The signs were all there, but I was blinded by his return. Now, it's clear, he is a spooky lost soul, searching for himself what he lost long time ago... his own doing... his folly. Let him be... he is lost forever to mankind... let him wallow in his sorrows all alone...Just let him be... he can never find happiness... he squandered it away... his own folly, his own doing.

Flow, be the rolling stone you were meant to be... do not gather moss.... just flow and merge into the ocean... that's were you belong... in the deep blue sea... your resting place.... the depths of which you have to explore, being a mermaid and sing songs on the rocky shores in moonlit nights. Songs, only you can hear.... the words that only you can comprehend... no more for others... The Nightingale is dead.... no more music flows forth it's throat... she has melted into the night and only a waft of her perfume remains.... to remind her loved ones that she is there for them and ONLY them, and no one else.

Life beckons with brighter prospects and I embark on a new journey ... all alone.... because, it's over and it was never meant to be.... sad but true..... a  harsh reality....

If I could...

If I could, I would steal a few moments of happiness.
If I could, I would fly like a free bird in the sky.
If I could, I would live life like never before.... like there was no tomorrow.
Only, if I could, I would.

Am a coward, because every time  I became bold...
I fell flat on my face.
Am afraid to try, because every time I tried ....
I failed.
Am scared, because every time I took the step forward....
I went back to square one... ground zero.

Yet, I brush the dirt from my dress and try again and again....
And, as always again and again I fail....
Yet, I try.... try harder still...
To bring a moment of happiness in my life...
Yet, the damn fool.... skirts me and goes into anothers' lap.

If I could, I would stop happiness from going elsewhere...
But, that's selfish and just not me.
I am made to sacrifice always.... I guess...
To remain single and walk away into the horizon all alone.

If I could, I would gather all my memories and go away ... far away.
But, my duties beckon me.... innocent smiles hold me tight.
And, I get carried away by my obligations and sigh in vain.
There's no two ways about it, I have to live for my flock....
Tend them, nurture them.... make a life for them.

If I could, I would certainly go all out and make all those mistakes....
All over again and yet remain smiling .... grinning from ear to ear.
if I could, i would surely look at life in a more positive manner.
If I could, i would be the last woman standing....
Battling every storm and calamity.... yet remaining calm within.

If I could, I would..... but am but a mere human....
With feelings and sensitivity....
I too have my demons to battle...
I too have my drawbacks to reason with....
I am but a mere human .... with humane feelings.

If I could, I would turn the tide...
If I could , I would turn back time...
If I could, I would... surely I would make this world a happier place to live in.

Only if I could, I would....

Shadow of myself....

I am but a shadow of my previous self. I have delved so much in self  pity that I no longer know who I am. I am dying a thousand deaths each moment for no fault of mine. My self esteem has taken a lashing so bad, that the wounds are open and can be seen by one and all. I have lost the smile that once dominated my facial features. I have become a zombie with no life at all. The hurt, the wound goes deep down and doesn't let me rest. Each moment is a heavy burden to live in shame and I am unable to surface from the gallows of melancholy aches.

I can't show my face to anyone anymore. My loved ones are hurting, seeing me hurt. I am thrashing and turning in a pool of tears that dry up in the eyes itself, lest someone sees them. Damn, what have I let myself into?

Thoughts of his smug smile at my sorry state tear me apart. Thoughts of his evil grin kill me each moment. What revenge did he have in his mind and for what, that he did this to me? Why did he use me ? Why did he hurt me again?  What have I done to deserve this? I was living my life, why did he come and destroy it once again?

I am afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid of every movement around me. I am startled by every sound that I hear. I am but a shadow of my previous self. He has left me shame faced and hurting. He has left me gasping for air. I don't know what to do, I am lost and spinning from here to there. Whatever little sleep I had, has forsaken me... I walk the night like a ghost in spite. I see no end to this sight.... I am hurting and find no light.

Every moment is a pain to live. Every moment brings memories in floods. Every moment is laden with guilt. Every moment is filled with silt. I want to run away, hiding my face in shame. I want to just go away, never to return. I am just a shadow of what I once was... the smile wiped off my face.

Nothing seems right...

Nothing seems right at all.
There is darkness everywhere.
This time round too, he left me high and dry.
He betrayed the trust I had in him.
He made me shun all....
Yet,he was the first to abandon the ship....
The rat that he is....
He left me gasping for air,...
Not knowing what to do.

I am hurting.. hurting real bad.
Nothing seems right at all.
he left me two decades ago...
Without telling why...
He came back, only.....
To hurt me and leave again.

Nothing seems right,
Nothing makes sense.
I am but a sad reflection....
Of dooms day prophecy.
He made a mockery of my love.
He turned it into one big joke.
I can see people laughing at my tomfoolery.
And, I am hiding...... ashamed of my mistake.

Nothing seems right... not right at all.
I am in pain immeasurable.
I am in condolence for the relation that died.
With it died a part of me, .....
Which will never live again.

Nothing seems right...........
Everything's a blur....
There is no direction...
There is no one to turn to...
There is no shoulder to cry on...
I cry alone....
Tears of blood I shed....
Tears that can't be seen.

Nothing seems right.... at all.

It's not fair, not fair at all ........

I am hurting at his shallow behaviour.
What did I do to deserve this?
I was living my life contented.
Why did he enter it again?
No, this is not fair.
It's not fair at all.

I believe every word she writes.
She writes from the depth of her heart.
She has lived with the monster that he is.
She knows him only too well.
I believe her, I do.
I share her pain.
we both loved  the demon in him.
We both were hurt by him.
It is not fair at all, not at all.

I am hurting... coz my loved ones are hurting more than me.
They trusted someone, I introduced.
They gave him the highest respect.
What did he do in return?
He broke all their trust and mine too.
It's not fair, not fair at all.

May he burn in hell for the treachery.
May his soul find no peace.
No lover should ever say such a thing.
But, he has brought it upon himself.
The wrath of a woman scorned...
The pain of a mother betrayed.
He shall find no solace anywhere...
He will always pine for true love all his life.

There is no pardon for such a rogue.
There is no life for such a thief.
He shall always cry alone and cry alone he shall.

It's not fair, not fair at all....
What he did to me......
What he did to my faith and trust...
He betrayed them all.

What a fool I have been........

I have  been a fool surely.... yes, I have been a fool lately.
I had faith and trust in  a monster.
Everybody said, No.... yet I defied them and believed him.
I have been but a fool for so long.
I trusted my instincts.
Guess they are rusted, I couldn't make out the guise in him.
I trusted him and he betrayed my trust.
I believed him against the good counsel of my dear ones.
I failed.
I have been robbed of my ability to trust anyone anymore.
Damn, what a fool I have been...........

Naa rahega...

Yeh roop naa rahega,
Yeh rang naa rahega,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera sang rahega?

Naa rahega chaand gagan mein,
Naa rahegi roshni chaman mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera saath rahega?

Naa rahega noor husn mein,
Naa rahega suroor dil mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera pyar rahega?

Naa rahega yeh jahan,
Naa rahega aasmaan,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera imaan rahega?

Waqt hai imtihaan ka,
Waqt hai ikhtiyaar ka,
Phi bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera dil bekarar rahega?

Haunted....

I am haunted by her hollow words.
They follow me everywhere.
Invariably everyday, I visit her poetry.
I am haunted by the words she writes.
I am haunted by the emotions she portrays.
I am haunted by her kohl rimmed eyes.
I am haunted....

Time moves on... Life goes on....

Time moves on.Two people who once waited upon each other, move on. Life becomes one big dreary road to travel all alone. People who once just couldn't keep their eyes off each other, now engulfed in life's process,go about doing their chores in their respective places,with hardly any time for each other.

Monotony sets in. Every thing gets done in auto. There is no telling, whether someone is going to be there when you really need them. There is no time, there is no date set...just a deep feeling he/she is going to be there, no matter what. But, it's so boring. There ought to be some fun, some spice, to liven up each moment of this short life together.

Is work so important? Is small talk with others so important when you know that there is hardly any time together? I don't think so. Make every moment beautiful and loving so that the one left behind can live with those memories. Memories which we create every moment of our life together in harmony with each other and others around us.

I wish today, I could turn time back, unwind the clock, push the needle of the clock back... stop the pendulum and let it remain frozen back to two and a half decades and rewrite our destinies. Rewrite our love story, from when you left so that you would never have left and we would have had a beautiful life together forever. I wish I could remove those scars from your memory and fill it with beautiful moments. Moments without regret and pain, moments of happiness and joy.

If wishes were horses, indeed I would have galloped away with you on one into the sunset long ago. I surely would do now, all you have to do is ride on one and come and take me away.But, wishes are wishes.... they seldom come true.

Time moves on.... it's own parabola.... life goes on... relatively, we remain frozen in our thoughts, as memories in their thoughts and as the favourite child of God, for eons to come. Favourite child of god? Do not raise an eyebrow, yes that's true... god tests his favourite child the most, always.

Move the moments of despair and discontent faster to welcome the new life of gay abandonment and laughter, full of genuine smiles. O Knight.... just claim your prize sooner. The separation causes anxiety and the new declaration pain. Time is of essence and value, we have only a few moments together. Let them come soon. Let us be happy for a moment but sooner than thought of, for I have no patience to stay away from from you any longer come hail or storm.

Time moves on... life goes on... Don't leave me behind, all alone... Take me with you, beginning NOW and forever, here and BEYOND. Let me be the Time Traveler's wife... let me travel with you from this life to after life.

Lonely musings........

Faith, trust...........All these are just words....

Only words fathomed by one who has experienced them, lived them to the hilt.
Unless you have faith , how can you trust the other one?
It bogs me down to even delve deep into the innards of these emotions. Am transported to a different plane, a realm where all is hunky dory. All is based on an unwavering faith that he is going to be there for you always; No  matter what. A deep feeling that he will never cheat on you, won't lie to you ever..... but is it humanly possible for a person who has always lived a lie all his life... Whose every moment in life was a lie and whom no one trusts?

Every dawn begins with the thought, now what today? Every other night ends on a disappointed note. Is love all about ending up sad and lonely? There is a big crowd around me all the time, yet am lonely. Always searching for one that can fulfill me intellectually and emotionally. The one person whom I can be comfortable being in my skin with. It is a constant struggle to keep afloat in a world full of people so into themselves. A hinterland, where I do not belong. I drown each moment and try to surface all the time. Suffocating as it may seem, am loving the pain it gives me..... the ache to search all the time for my own identity, myself. It's a sadistic pleasure that I derive from my pain that gives me a high. Am high on that feeling all the time.

These words that flow forth from my mind, know no boundaries. There's no line drawn, where to end or to start them, but they just flow out and I end up putting them on my blog. Make no sense of it. It's just words that describe the confused state of mind I am in.... lonely and extremely melancholy. Am just taking it all out to lighten the burden on my soul.

I don't know, why I am writing all this. All I know is I want to lighten the burden  that's pulling me down and under. Trust me I just wrote it. There is nothing to it, just my state of mind. My life sucks.... that's it.

I am sorry......

I am sorry.

I got angry coz of a major misunderstanding. I was hurting and I withdrew into a shell. I know, It hurt you and our loved ones a lot. But, that's my way of dealing with stress and pain. I turn turtle. I hide myself and withdraw into a shell.

You are the best thing that can ever happen to a girl. You are so understanding and loving, ever forgiving. The kind of love you shower upon me, am not used to it. So much attention and care, I have not known... it scares me. What if, I get used to it and then you change. That is why I barricade myself up. Am afraid of losing you.

You are my life now... just like I am yours. But, there are times which test us.... bear with me, when I turn a recluse.... I am but human and a tad bit different from others, a bit crazy and a whole lot sensitive. Small things bother me, big things don't. Am a social recluse, a bit of a loner... it takes me time to open up and if I am in pain, then maybe a lifetime is also not enough to heal the wound.

Stand by me when I shut up and keep you out. Just be there. I will turn around someday, sometime. Just be there.

I am sorry.... for not comprehending your stance. I am sorry for hurting you so.

I  am sorry...... I love you a lot and I didn't mean to be mean at all. I derived no pleasure out of the silence that I opted for. I was trying to get my sanity in place.

When things go rough, give me time to reconcile. Don't lose your cool over my senseless actions... I am but a kid at heart (wink).... a label you have given me.

I am sorry.... I don't promise that the going will be smooth, but it's an uphill task bearing with my temper tantrums, hope you can keep pace with my tempo. It's one helluva bumpy ride for us.... just be there by my side.... bear the bumps and the aches and pains.

I love you for being there for me... Just be yourself... Don't change ever.

Burning within...

Damn this desire.... damn it.
I am burning within.
Damn this fear.... damn it.
It's eating me away.
Damn this worry.... damn it.
It's giving me the ulcer.

This uncanny feeling of losing him again is killing me from within.
I have lost my sleep over it.
I am binging because of it.
I am in the depths of depression due to it.
How do I control my apprehensions?
How do I soothe my frayed nerves?

Am always worrying, what if...?
Why this insecurity?
Why this frailty?
Why this fear of the unknown?

Being human is such a pain.
So many emotions to deal with.
So many relations to maintain.
So many demons to deal with.

Am burning within... because of her behaviour.
Am seething within at her selfishness.
What woman would profess love on one hand...
And destroy the same love on the other hand?
What woman would she be, to make public her wanton desires,
Yet torture the man in the confines of her home?
What woman would she be, to lay bare her soul to strangers,
Yet traumatize the man who defied all for her?

Am burning within, at her foolhardiness.
Am pitiful at her cheap display of piteousness.
I spite her words.
Though they be of a high order,
Yet they showcase a sick woman.

Am burning, coz am helpless...
I want to help her get across... to let go.
Am helpless, coz I know...
She is manipulative  and conniving.
Am in the throes of pain, coz I know he is hurting too.

Burning within me is the desire...
To give him a world of happiness...
Burning within me is the fire... that only he can kindle.

All those beautiful and not so beautiful thoughts...........

So many thoughts, beautiful, wonderful thoughts constantly keep flitting across my mind all the time. Yet their speed is so high, am unable to pen them down in time and lose them . When I need them they just don't seem to crop up in my mind at all.

Thoughts can make and break your day. Thoughts can enhance your mood or throw you in the throes and depths of melancholy loneliness. There are times my thoughts elevate me and I fly and there are times I just sink  deep in an abyss and it takes a long time to surface from that state of mind.

My thoughts can be meaningful at times. Sometimes noteworthy and worthwhile. But, sometimes they are as destructive as the Atom bomb. sometimes my thought can kill by just being ruthless and unkind thoughts.

All those thoughts kind and unkind make me who I am, run the course of my life. I love my thoughts as they are always generally beautiful and creative. Only problem is they crop up anywhere and it is so frustrating that one gets these insights and is unable to put them down in a concrete form coz there is no pen and paper for the same in that situation in that condition under those circumstances.

Thoughts creative and innovative have shaped my career well. Hope my life also shapes well on those lines. I am always thinking. Am a thinking individual and inclined towards intellectual stimulation to excite my brain cells. Hoping to keep my neurons well nourished with the right kind of connections cognitively.

On this note, I end this short thoughtful write up on my thoughts, some beautiful and some naughty.....
Thoughtfully yours.... Yours truly.

The only thing on my mind.....

Loving you is the only thing on my mind these days. I don't know, when you became an addiction. But, you came to remain in my heart and mind forever. I can't think of a moment without you and your thoughts. We haven't met, yet it seems as though we have been together FOREVER.

The only thing that occupies my mind is being with you and in your warm embrace in your arms. Wish the time would come soon when two lovers could meet, jump out of the virtual world that they are living in and disappear in each other.

Every moment reminds me of my aching need for you. Ever moment teases me. Every moment brings with it the apprehensions of unrequited love. Every moment taunts me. Let the moments pass by and let the music begin and let's waltz our way to eternal bliss. Let us unite and be blessed in our love.

The only thing on my mind is YOU. You don't let me do anything at all. I can't concentrate on anything. Your thoughts make me forget everything. I end up doing nothing at all by the end of the day. One person can make me forget my entire world, my sense of being, my sensibilities.

The only thing on my mind is the love I feel for you. The love that according to you lay dormant for ages in our hearts to explode today like a volcano. Hope it doesn't destroy anything but builds everything afresh. a new spring, a new life.

The only thing on my mind is how we can be happy and make everyone around us happy too. Give so much love to each other that it spills onto others and everyone smiles in our happiness. Being together should mean bringing together two families and making the world a happier place to live in.

The only thing on my mind is YOU.... and you alone.

Irritating....

Irritating, that's what I am, if I don't concede to your requests.

Irritating, I am, if I don't heed your warnings.

Irritating, I am, if I don't conform to your fanatic beliefs.

Irritating, I am, if I don't listen to you wallowing in self pity.

Irritating, I am, if I don't allow you your addictions.

Irritating, I am, if I defy you.

Irritating, I am, if I am rebellious.

Irritating, I am, if I am a non conformist.

Irritating, I am, if I say NO to you.

Irritating, I am, if I turn you down.

Irritating, I am, if I say wait for the right time.

Irritating, I am, if I remain who I am.

Irritating, if I am, then why make me change..... Go find someone else.

Irritating, I am , am I?

I was never there.......

I was there yet never there for you my babies.

In my frenzy to be the best MOM , I forgot I had kids not stuffed toys.

In my zeal to give you the best, I forgot you needed love and care and not material things.

In my anger with the rest of the world, I overlooked your hunger for love.

In my zest for a career, I forgot my post as a mother.

I treated you like an employee.

I treated you like my staff.

I forgot, when all would be gone, you would still stick by me.

Crown and glory came and went, you stood by me.

I forgot.

When I was down and out, you were there for me.

I forgot.

I forgot myself, I forgot you.

My memory lapse, widened the gap, between you and me.

I am sorry, I was never there for you my babies.

But, you were there for me always.

Today, when I look back.

Today, when I introspect.

Today, in retrospect... I feel ashamed... I was never there.

I was there but I was never there.

I failed my test, yet I expect you to excel.

What a hypocrite am I?

I failed in my duties, yet I expect you to be the best.

What a sick mind have I?

I was never there, yet I expect you to be there.

In my twilight, I guess I will have to walk alone towards the sunset....

Coz, I was never there for you.

Confessions of an unjust MOM.......

Why am I so harsh on my kids?

Why do I lay down rules?

Why do I have expectations?

Why can't I just let it be?

If he stays out late, why can't I let my son do so?

If he has tried his hand at smoking, why can't I let him turn his life to ashes?

If he has had a drink, why can't I let him waste his liver away?

If he is in bad company, why can't I let him be and waste his life away?

Why am I so harsh towards my son?

Why can't I be kind to him?

Why can't I give freedom to my kids?

Why can't I just let them be?

I scold my daughter all the time, why do I do this?

I ignore my daughter's requests, why can't I concede?

Why can't I give them what they want?

Why can't I make them happy?

Why am I so curt and ruthless?

Why am I so strict?

Why am I so unkind?

Why am I so cruel?

Why am I so UNJUST?

Why am I so ?

Why do I feel guilty, now that I have reprimanded them?

Why this feeling of moroseness, when I took their freedom away?

I taught them freedom of expression, yet why do I not let them speak?

Why am I so UNJUST?

Why am I so?

I taught them to stand tall and be confident.

I showed them the path.

I gave them freedom to express self.

I gave them a weapon of stealth in wealth.

I gave them a life, a bed of roses.

I gave them their favourite toys.

I gave them everything under the sky.

Yet, I gave them NOTHING at all.

I have never been there for them when they needed me.

I have never been there when they won medals.

I have never been there for their days of glory.

I have never been there at all.

I was busy making a living.

I was busy making moolah.

I was busy getting the bread home.

I was busy ensuring a warm hearth.

In all this, I forgot.

In all this, I never gave a thought.

In all this, I was a stranger to them.

I was never there for them.

I gave them a roof.

I gave them money.

I gave them food.

I gave them honey.

But, I gave them nothing at all.

I wasn't there at all.

Good times, bad times, sad times, I wasn't there at all.

I confess, I am an UNJUST mom,

I am no good at all.

But, what the heck... I do care, am not so bad after all.

I ♥ℒℴѵℯ♥ You

I ♥ℒℴѵℯ♥ You

I can't see you hurting....

You smile when you see me,

Yet I see pain in your eyes.

Baby, I can't see you hurting like this.

Let go of what happened in the past,

It's our today that matters the most,

And a beautiful tomorrow that we foresee.

I don't promise you a bed of Roses,

I promise you a clear heart ,

And a warm home to live in,

Filled with love and laughter,

Day after day of abundant happiness.

I wish to erase the crease of pain,

That lines your face today.

I wish to make you one happy man,

That makes the world a better place to be in.

You have suffered enough,

You shall ache no more,

I shall stand between you and the devil called pain,

And fight your battles by your side.

I wasn't there earlier,

But I am here to stay,

You shall ache no more my dear,

For your shield is here .

I believe you,

I trust you,

I have faith in every word you say,

I will be there beside you,

And never let you go astray.

It doesn't matter what others say,

As long as I believe what my heart says.

And, the voice deep within says,

Let no one else decide,

It's for you and me to decide,

So why wallow and grovel for approval,

When the hearts are set,

When the intent is strong.

Let love flow and consume us in it's fire.

That's what it is all about,

To melt in the feelings that we have..... for each other.

Let there be light in your life,

That shall brighten our paths.

Let there be joy in your heart,

That shall bring laughter in our life.

Let there be that smile of yours,

That brings sunshine in my life.

I can't see you hurting,

Let my smile fade your pain away.

Let me walk beside you,

And take all that ache away.

Let us walk together,

Hand in hand....

Into the sunset of our lives.

For we know not what lies ahead,

So, just let go and,

Walk tall besides me.

We have nothing to lose now,

And everything to gain.....

And, to live happily ever after again.

Your love is all that I ask for,

Nothing else will do.

Your trust is all that I seek,

No one else is there.

Your faith in you and me is all I ask,

None shall breach it ever.

Walk with me into the twilight hours...

For a new dawn awaits us.

So much...

There is so much time,

There is so much to do,

There is so much in my mind,

Yet I dilly dally and while my time away.

There is so little to fritter about,

There is so little to worry,

There is so little that blocks my way,

Yet I worry my life away.

The best things in life are yet to come,

Still I do not wait for them.

I have lost the inclination to aspire,

I have lost the touch.

What is it that bothers me?

What is it that unsettles me?

What is it that really matters?

What is it?

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.... always bogging me down.

So much pulling me away from my purpose.

So much for all that I did in life.

So much for all the sacrifices.

So much for all the love I gave.

So much for the treachery I faced.

So much for selfless service to mankind.

So much for forgetting my strife.

So much for giving you a life.

So much for your perspectives.

So much for your inner demons.

So much for your insecurities.

So much for your spineless being.

So much for your character assassination.

So much for your obsession.

So much for your flamboyance.

So much for your negativities.

So much for your non action.

So much for the distance that separated us.

So much for the time you never had.

So much and much much more............

Time to change....

Hmmm.....

It's time to change the sheet,

It's time to change the towel,

It's time to change the crockery,

It's time to change the cutlery.

It's time to change the dress,

It's time to change the design,

It's time to change the make up,

It's time to change the shade.

It's time to change the decor,

It's time to change the furniture,

It's time to change the curtains,

It's time to change the upholstery.

It's time to change my mindset,

It's time to change my outlook,

It's time to change the mask I wear,

It's time to change my name.

It's time to change for spring is here,

It's time to change coz autumn has gone,

It's time to change for new leaves have sprung,

It's time to change for the old is long gone,

It's time to change as I am no longer forlorn.

It's time to change as hope has been reinstated,

It's time to change as I have been given a second chance,

It's time to change so that he can be happy,

It's time to change for him and him alone.

Bowled over...

I am completely bowled over by his simplicity and yet suave personality.

I am totally in awe of his indomitable spirit and his never say die attitude.

I am absolutely smitten by his looks and the way he looks at me.

I am sure about our love.... it has stood the test of time.

I am taken over by this intense feeling of love for him, he surely deserves unconditional love and affection.

I am having the feeling to mother him and smother him with love.

I am intensely in love with him and his love for me.

I want to nurture him, caress him.

I want to be there for him always.

I am bowled over by his ability to make me laugh and smile when I am down and out.

I am waiting to die in his arms.

I am waiting to be one with him.

I am waiting for him.

The way I look at it...

The way I look at it, life sucks at times yet at times it's beautiful.

I had my share of ups and downs and I know there will be more. There's more yet to come. But, then who doesn't have it? Am not an isolated case of F***** up life.

Yeah, I guess am in a real bad mood today. For all the decisions I have taken that have really messed up my life recently. Just one decisive role has been good, the rest all totally a disaster. I dunno, if this one major decision is good too in the long run. I am having my doubts... coz I have never known happiness to stay with me. It runs miles away from me leaving me huffing and panting trying to chase it.

I need to see that ray of hope that says yes I was right. Now I have doubts about myself. Am not sure of what I am doing and why. Everything seems so ambiguous. Am totally fagged out and need to rejuvenate despite the sabbatical I am in.

There's a block... A mental block. I am shunning people left, right and centre. Have become a total recluse. What Am I propelling myself towards? I have no idea. Am just drifting and being tossed around by the waves around me. Am oblivious of the course of action to take in this situation.

I didn't comprehend the lies of one person could bring about this drastic change in me. What have I become? A selfish monster? Or a tragedy queen wallowing in her grief? Or a confused lover once again?

Aspersions and apprehension are killing my soul. Am becoming a sorry picture of my sparkling self. Days when I glowed and was confident. Now, am always worrying and fretting over nothing.

Why this insecurity? Why this enormous headache? No answer to those questions. I have become a question myself. My whole being twisted and contorted each moment, tormented by thoughts of negativity. What have I become?

The way I look at it now, am reduced to a dime of my self worth.

The way I look at it, I am a lost case.

The way I look at it, am a rudderless boat.

The way I look at it, am wasting my life away.

The way I look at it, I need a fresh lease of life.

The way I look at it, I need to unwind and rethink.

The way I look at it, I need a respite from everything .... I need to be left alone .. I need my space. After all, It's all about me.

You love only once in your lifetime...

Love is a feeling that cannot be expressed to everyone always. You love only once in your lifetime. If it is requited, well and good else you pine for the same love over and over again and try to seek it in others. They are like the ocean waves , they come ashore batter your sandcastles and move away. You are left behind, a vast expanse of sand all flattened out.

The love that I speak of is desired by all but very few are bestowed the honour to carry it forth. It's not easy. It's path is strewn with broken shards of glass and thorns. You have to have the courage and conviction to carry the ambers of a smoldering fire in your heart, move on yet hope that one day you can quench your thirst with your first love coming back in your life.

The love that I point at is not located geologically on any map. It is mapped in hearts that are innocent. Hearts that mean no harm to anybody. Hearts that sacrifice all for their beloved. Hearts that smolder in the cauldron of fire that separates them. Hearts torn apart by desires yet remaining unquenched coz they were unable to meet. There comes a meeting point ultimately some day and all feelings pour out. Sometimes, you never meet and just while away your life in another loveless relationship, a namesake relation for the world to see. Sometimes you just break free from that bondage waiting for your lost one to seek you out. If you are lucky and prayed hard enough, your lost one comes home.... else you wither away into the oblivion all alone and melancholy in the hope that some day he would realize and turn the world upside down to discover you waiting for him.... to unearth the pure feelings silently waiting for you to uncover them.

The essence of that first love remains forever, a perfume that never fails to remind you of the sweet fragrance of yesteryears and the togetherness of those times. It's like the musk of the musk deer that remains with it throughout its lifetime. The sweetness wafting through every pore of your being when you remember those days... nothing can match that priceless moment.

You love only once in your lifetime, so love truly. Don't dilly dally and waste your time away in short dalliances. People come and go, that one remains in heart and soul for eternity. Let not your love fail, let it be remembered by generations to come.... pure eternal love that crossed all barriers, yet remained steadfast in it's belief that one day he would return.

When I lost you, I cried, I became numb, I was angry, I didn't know what to do....yet each day even in someone else' arms, I prayed and hoped to meet you. My morning began with a sweet greeting to you then and still does... and my night ended with your thoughts, wondering where you were and wishing you happiness always. Along life's journey, I saw glimpses of you and heard about you. I was saddened at the way events turned out for you, I wanted to reach out and console you, yet couldn't. I was tied down by my worldly responsibilities and a loveless marriage, I wanted to break free but there was nowhere to go. One day, I fell into a deep abyss and was unable to surface for a long time. I was given up for dead, for sure, I had died a thousand deaths by then. I resurrected my life, rose as the Phoenix from my ashes and made a life for myself and my flock.

The sheep is waiting for the Shepherd.... come home to the lambs. Come home, O' lost one. Come home, O' wanderer. Use your compass to tread home steadily O' sailor. Set sail to the land where we await you. Your mermaid climbs the rock on the shore and looks out for you everyday dawn and dusk. Come hitherto to your damsel, come home O' Prince.

You love only once in your lifetime, keep your faith... I kept mine and am not disappointed. There is a long wait but the fruit at the end is sweet. The journey is long but you CAN reach your destination.. Ask me.... I can vouch for that.

I have loved once and for a lifetime..... I have loved you.

Why do I write?.... Once again

Why do I write?

I write for self satisfaction.I write to feel good. I write to take it all out. I write so that there is a semblance in my thoughts. I write for 'Catharsis'. Just wanna take it all out, empty the vessel and feel light. To remove the heaviness caused by the dull and dreary life I lead. I write to run away from my loneliness.

When I write, I am not alone, I am deeply immersed in my thoughts. There are people there who talk to me, there are instances where I am engrossed in a conversation with the supreme being too. It's like someone up there wants me to write, to express myself and be happy about it.

Penning my thoughts used to give me a pleasure I have not known for many years when the pen broke and I dreaded expressing myself. I stopped writing. I destroyed all my previous work of art and poetry in a frustrating rage. I regret it. But, now I write here in a blog... coz I know even if I want to, I cannot erase it. It shall remain always somewhere and can never be deleted.

I write so that he can understand the gamut of emotions I go through. I write so that he can comprehend the difficult person that I am. I write so that he can feel what I feel. I write so that he knows I am but human and can err too. I write for him so that tomorrow he cannot say that I never told him. I write so that he can understand me as a complex, emotional and sentimental fool.

I write to uplift both our moods. I know somewhere deep down he hurts from his past experiences. I write to assure him, I am there. I won't leave him now, try as much as he wants to, I am going to be there always. I write to make him feel secure in the knowledge that somewhere in this big bad world there's a woman waiting for him to take her in his strong arms and love him unconditionally irrespective of what anybody says.

I write to let him know, that this love... his and mine is here to stay and we shall never be parted again. I write for him and him alone.

Damn this wait.....

Waiting upon his Royal Highness to wake up and wish me each morning has become a habit... an addiction and the day his Royal Highness is late in his greetings am a bag of nervous wreck. I go crazy waiting upon him to appear in my text messages and online. This is killing me. How can a mere human being make me go absolutely smitten about his persona?

It makes no sense waiting upon a person in your twilight zone like a lusty twenty year old. There comes a time when you ought to act your age, but I am behaving like a lovelorn infatuated teenager. In retrospect, am ashamed of my actions. I feel so helpless in front of my strong emotions for this one person. Life throws some lime and lemons at you sometime or other, I guess this is that time in my life.

Am tired of waiting, but wait I have to. There is no option, is there? It's a long wait and wait I have to. The wait is a sweet pain amalgamating when two lovers meet, when they meet, if they meet. Why am I sounding so morose, so dejected.... I need to keep my spirits high. I have to remain motivated.

There is so much to do, yet so little time. There is a lot to be explained and a lot to be proved. Only time can tell, what direction we are moving in. Time is such a leveler of emotions and acts. I wonder, if time has time to wait for us.

Damn this wait.... But, wait we shall. Patiently wait for our time to come, if and when it does arrive. Hope that all will be fine and there shall be celebrations, joyous moments in our life together forever. Nothing is static. Everything is in constant motion, so is time. Let this wheel throw up our life together in holy matrimony and happiness in near future. let there be fireworks and painted and decorated elephants, horses and camels. Let there be brocade and jewels. Let there be the sacred fire and chants. Let there be blessings and blessings galore.

Wait we shall... as before.

I am the stuff....

I am the stuff that gossip columns are made of

I am the stuff that makes the world spin on its axis

I am the stuff that men look forward to

I am the stuff babies get hooked onto

I am the stuff that makes everything enjoyable

I am the stuff that makes print readable

I am the stuff writers base their stories on

I am the stuff that poets spin their webs on

I am love .... The stuff that is the pure essence of beauty and nature

I am life .... One you cannot live without

I am strife..... That tears the world apart

I am grief ... That makes you shed tears

I am grapevine .... That does the round of loudmouths

I am pure ecstasy .... One that only true lovers feel

I am ME, myself, ........ a name the world gave me

I am truth that cannot be hidden

I am a voice that cannot be stifled

I am ME, myself ...... a name to reckon with

I am the stuff, that makes you tough

I am the stuff that makes you cry

I am the love that you seek

I am the life that you wanna live

I am ME, myself.

You are an enigma.........

The more I try to steel myself from getting closer to you, the more am attracted to you and fall straight into your lair.

You are an enigma, rubbing onto me and making me lose my senses and reasoning power. How much ever I try to avoid doing things your way, I still end up doing them the way you expect me to.

I don't want bondage, but am bonding with you and that leaves no scope for freedom. My independence is what I cherish the most and I don't want to lose it. You make me go weak in my knees and I become helpless and like a puppy dog end up following your instructions.

You are an enigma, that's eating into my identity. I am losing myself, my space and my individuality. What will I end up being? No, I don't want to repeat past mistakes, I cannot bow down to your diktats. Gimme freedom, not chains. An eternal dilemma, a battle in my mind constantly.

I will have to change, I will have to take a full 360 degrees turn to mould myself to suit the ideal image you have in mind. Can I do that? Can I take that risk? I will have to melt and become the statue that you desire. I will have to disappear to emerge as the moth that the flame wants near it. What's the fate of the moth, when it nears the flame? It is reduced to a heap of burnt flesh. Is that what I really want?

But, Isn't love all about sacrifice? Isn't love all about merging into your loved one, to become one with him? If it is, am glad.... I am in love and yes, despite all the above apprehensions am ready to take the plunge. I want to be with you. I want to follow you to eternal bliss and happiness. I want to lose my identity to take yours. I want to lose myself to find you. Yes, I want to do all that and much more to make you happy, to bring joy in your life, to see you smiling. Coz, when you smile, I see myself in those crinkly eyes... I smile too.

Let aside, aspirations and ambitions... I belong to you and am willing to relinquish all the titles to attain yours.

You are an enigma and I am a part of you. You are an artist and I am your muse.

I confess... am...

I confess... am madly and hopelessly in love with a maverick. This mad hatter is truly a romantic at heart and gets my pulse racing at the very mention of his name or thought.

I wish I could high five and shout out and proclaim my love publicly...... Alas! I can't... Am bound by my limitations. But I confess am truly in love and second time round with the same person.

My day begins with his message and voice and ends with his sweet nothings whispered in my ears over the phone. What more can a gal ask for but a man madly in love with her. Am honoured and overjoyed with the happiness am surrounded with. Everything seems bright and beautiful. Touchwood!

He is simple yet sophisticated. He has an aura of regal and royal elegance. He is aristocratic in his persona. My Knight in Shining Armour. Love him a lot. There's nothing more I wish for but for him to whisk me away. He has already swept me off my feet. Am floating in a dreamworld, let me never awaken from this dream.

Ah, Love can be so wonderful yet so heart wrenching. It makes you pine for your lover. It makes you yearn to be in his strong arms. Love .... eternal love, ethereal love.... something very few are able to receive and enjoy.

I confess, am soaked in his love. I ask for nothing more than his love. Am keeping my fingers crossed, lest an evil eye cast its spell on my love. I belonged to him then, I belong to him now... this chasm of distance keeps us apart but not for long. The day we meet, I know the heavens will open up. There will be a downpour and all pain of yesteryears will be washed away in the flash floods. I know, a new hope springs and all will be fine and peaceful.

I confess..... am waiting for my first kiss from my Prince.... blissful warmth of souls entwined in a warm embrace is what I am looking forth to. I confess, I have my dreams all set to make them come true with my loved one beside me, holding my hand and both of us walking into the sunset holding hands. What a sight it would be for eons to remember by our future and the world to talk about.

I confess, am waiting to flaunt my love and waiting to declare my love for you, my love. I love you.

Zero Error Syndrome...

Yup... I suffer from ZES.... Zero Error Syndrome.

Everything has to be perfect. Everyone has to be perfect. Every situation has to be perfect.

An ideal life is what I seek.... but it's hard to come by.

No one is perfect. I ain't perfect too. My imperfection reflects in my anger and obsessive compulsive disorder. But, I expect everything to be in order. Things to happen in clockwork precision. People to be civil and follow discipline. Expectations.... too many of them and yet not a single one can be fulfilled.

This ZES thingy is making me go bonkers...not that I ain't crazy but yet it's alienated me from people in the past and now threatens to raise it's ugly head in the relationship I am in. How do I deal with my demons and penchant for everything being clean be it my home, my life or our relationship?

How do I deal with my zeal for perfection? What a dilemma? There are times when I just want to scream and say Lemme be.... lemme be imperfect. Let me be human. Let me live life. Let me just flow. Let me be just me....Period...full stop.

Let this disease not torture me more..... let it pass on. I wanna enjoy life rather than crib about everything in it. Let me be thankful for all the small mercies of life. Let me just tide over things and stop mulling over the nitty gritties in everything I do. Let me just let go of my expectations.

I want freedom from.........Zero Error Syndrome.....Aaarggh

Why do I blog...

Good question.... Why do I blog?

I blog, coz I wanna write what's in my mind. I wanna write what's in my thoughts. I wanna write what I feel. I wanna write coz he wants me to write. I wanna write coz he looks forward to reading my blogs, my thoughts, my feelings. He wants to know me better. He wants to understand me and the mechanism of my mind.

It's not hard to fathom that he loves me and wants to know me inside out. Why? So that he would know how to deal with me in any situation, knowing my volatile nature. So that he can handle my mood swings.... knowing fully well how I get bogged down by physical limitations. So that he can understand why I behave in a certain way at times. So that he can empathize with me when I am down and out and really hurting.

I write for him. So that he knows that every moment he is in my thoughts. He is the driving force that keeps me on my toes striving to do better and better so that he can be proud of me. I write not for everyone, But for him.... My soul mate. I write for the man in my life. I write so that he can understand me and comprehend my feelings and thoughts. I write so that he knows I am there.

I blog for him and him alone.