Beyond today...

Yesterday is passe.... beyond today, my tomorrow beckons me. I latch onto it bag, baggage and bandwagon. I don't know, what lies ahead but am game for some adventure. It's been a long time since I went out without knowing what to do next. Time to get the spirit back in form.

There will be hurdles to cross, muddy patches to jump over... but, what the heck? Am game for it.

I want to do something different from what I have been doing so far, albeit in and around what am in...Education. Revolutionize the idea of parallel teaching and learning, take the classes out in the open, rope in the concept of Room to Roam....so much mulling in my head. This is not possible if I work with somebody, I have to open my own school. I want technology to come to school and take the children out.

Creative thoughts and innovative ideas crowd my mind, causing a traffic jam, leaving me blank . What with the speed with which these ideas and thoughts come at me, am taken aback and my mind works faster than my fingers... which leaves me at a loss since the ideas evaporate in seconds of being the light bulbs to awaken the thought process within me or by the time I gather my paper and pen , they are a distant thought... and a new one takes form...again to cause trauma to my sense and sensibilities.

Am gunning to start afresh, but lack of funds stops my progress. Am halted midway by the crunch.... space crunch, moolah crunch, crunch in finding the right talent for carrying my work ahead........ so after all the mulling and fretting and fuming , I end up going back to the pavilion.... DUCK OUT.

On second thoughts.............

I was thinking and thinking.... the process went on for a couple of days. Days where emotions ran high and dry and I was getting nowhere. Then , suddenly out of the blue a person appeared in my life, long buried memories and feelings came flooding back and I said to myself, gosh ... when I am going through an emotional turmoil , why this? there has to be a meaning to it. And then, one of the moments flashed by...... a moment when he had said...........

"If you love someone set them free, If they come back , they were yours else they were never yours."

On second thoughts, it makes a whole lot of sense now.

Of course, the bird is back but it's different now. Circumstances have changed, profiles have changed, I have changed as a person. But, on second thoughts, have the feelings changed?

No, the feelings haven't changed but yes they have matured like wine and like a mature woman , I have become mellifluous. There was so much pent up within me, it was stifling me and all my subsequent relationships......... it's smoothened out now.

On second thoughts, it did me good. Of course, when you are going through the heartache you don't realise it, but when you look back from where you started and where you have reached not ended, you heave a sigh of relief and say to yourself, it could have been worse. These thoughts keep you moving and grooving to your own music.

There's more to the thoughts and the process... but not now.... am going deeper into my thoughts now.

I cook....

Yup, I do cook. Barely well enough to pass the through the intestines. It's an art which I have to perfect, but dunno how. Why? Because I can't follow rules and cooking needs discipline and that's what lacking in me.... a sense of discipline. I don't seem to follow anything, any work through to completion in cooking. It bores me to follow tried and tested methods of cooking. I love to experiment and I certainly have guinea pigs at home to try my experiments on. ???... My Kids.

After school, they dread coming home, now that am on a sabbatical from work ..... what has that got to do with my kids dread... a lot. I cook for them. LOL

Now, they have to eat what I prepare and swear the expression on their faces are like, when is she going to start working and stop torturing us with her recipes. That's another thing that that at the end of the day most of what I have cooked goes in the bin.

Oh, but I do cook with a lot of passion infused in my psyche for cooking. Albeit, it turns into a new discovery each time. I put on music and wear my sneakers and dance while I cook. It's fun, I swear. But, there are times when I prepare tea alongside my cooking and end up putting tealeaves in the pasta or salt in the tea. I can be a bit absent minded though I swear it's not intentional. Once I put cumin powder in my coffee and for a long time wondering always why the coffee didn't taste like coffee at all. The prowess to discern between condiments and coffee seems to be lacking in me.

Every time I prepare Kidney beans (Rajma) the north Indian style, I end up with masala soup and the beans settled in the bottom of the vessel. It's very embarrassing. My kids tell me, mom let's order the food from a restaurant but you don't burn your calories conjuring up crap for us.

Oh , that calls for recalling the fact that I am a very clumsy cook. I always end up chopping my fingers, chipping my nails or burning my hands. I am designing a protective gear for avoiding these mishaps in future.

All in all, said and done, am a passionate cook. I bring passion into my cooking and I swear , the bloopers mentioned above are entirely true but so is the fact that I cook and I cook well. I experiment with cooking and 99% times it is a success, I do not chronicle my successful recipes they are there in my mind and memory and shall be buried or burnt and laid to rest with my mortal remains later. The secret of my cooking is LOVE. I cook for the love of cooking and for my loved ones. My brothers and sisters love the fish and rabbit I make. My kids love my pastas. My sister in law loves my Indian food. But, everybody loves the south Indian dishes I dish out. But, the crown goes to my cakes, muffins, cookies and cheesecakes.

There's more........... the list is endless.......... I can really cook but need patronage to inspire and motivate me to cook.

I swear....

Yeah, I swear too. We all do , don't we. In frustration, anger and when things are not going right, we all swear. I do swear. But... there 's a difference here. i swear in a different manner. It's not that I don't know swear words ,I do. Probably I know more swear words than anyone else in this world , but I don't exhibit that prowess.

What I do is present a swear in the most refined manner. Saanp bhi marr jata hai aur lathi bhi nahi tootti. LOL

Growing up reading literature from around the world gave me the perspective to swear like a lady as in Victorian era influenced books and movies or like Captain Haddock in Tintin comics.

What I find most suited to my persona as an educator was the impeccable use of the Queen's language for swearing and am a huge Hugh Grant fan for that purpose , else Thundering typhoons and jumping jellybeans would do with kids.

That brings us to the very common 'F' word and the mother , sister kinda foul language . Well , I keep my knowledge updated in that field but do not utter the words in public. One has to know everything but chose to use it selectively.

In fact, once I had seen a video discourse on the F word by Bhagwan Rajneesh (OSHO) and it was the cutest way to put it forth. before that I had just brushed Rajneesh aside as another Guru, but he earned my respect and reverence thereafter. Have become a die hard fan of Rajneesh and his philosophy, so like mine.

It's fun to read and learn new words always and swear words are a litany of words to configure and use with a whole lot of thought process involved. I swear......... it's fun. It lets you pour it all out and feel a sense of relief at the end of it. It gives you a big 'O' if you win an argument based on the choice of words. Everybody must try it, try to swear in Queen's language, very British and beautiful. Or very funny like Captain Haddock.... leaping lizards kind.

With that, lemme go and brush up on my swearing..... Ciao

Just another day...

Just another bright new and sunny day. Another sojourn, another twist and another turn to break the monotony of a staid laid back life.

Just another day, a chance given to make changes for a better state of mind in days to come.

Just another day of promises to make to myself and the rest of the world that no matter what am going to get there.

Just another beautiful day, a chance given to enjoy the fruits of life.

Just another challenging day, to juggle chores and keep my sanity intact.

Just another day to look back and say, so far so good.

Just another day to look at my kids and feel proud that I brought them unto this world. I was the vehicle that had the fortune of carrying the best of humanity.

Just another day to thank god for all the small mercies bestowed upon me.

Just another day to test my patience.

Just another day to trouble trouble....lol

just another day to say I Love you....... ;-)

Just another day......... to feel like a woman.

Just another day to be in in love..... with myself..... lol

Just another day..............

The list is endless and it is a long day. So much to do and say and get on with... whew! Just another day....

What a day...

Amazingly high octane day. High octane drama, high octane feelings, high octane performance.... name it and everything was high octane, the anti knocking element in the petrol of my life.

Am flabbergasted that I was able to sail through the day without batting an eyelid.... as if all the forces in universe were trying to get together and make my day for me.

Am glad I went out, am absolutely comfortable with the thought that I stayed away from Twitter and Facebook for a couple of hours............ I did things that pleased people and I got a high from that. I was there for them.

I am glad I had some great conversations with some intellectual people and people appreciated my views and my knowledge on various topics. That was another high that catapulted me to another level of bliss.

To sum it, I had a great day, I am happy and I learnt a lot and gave a lot and at the end of it , I know I have my own identity and am not hiding behind someone else... or am not someone's shadow.

Foresight......Family and friends

Things are looking up. On the personal front have a lot going with family and 'friend' in tow. At the end of it all, this is what matters the most and family comes first and foremost.

The foresight of family is paying handsome dividends. one must invest in family, it pays good returns.

There would be many more ups and downs in life , but experience says one can tide over every obstacle if your family is with you. they don't have to be physically present, all that is needed is their unstinting emotional support. Nothing else matters then.

There does come a time when you have to choose the best out of the options available to you and believe me , family chips in with the soundest advice. there could be some hilarious advises too, and some really silly and outdated ones and some which might pinch you , but what the heck, it's family and even if you fall down , the family will help you on your feet again and again.

I pity those who don't have a family and lead a lonesome life fraught with problems ,mostly self created because they have friends but don't turn to them in times of need.

I have some great friends , bachpan ke dost. They are not there physically with me but keep an eye on me and are there always no matter what.

Thanks to advancement in technology, my friends keep a tab on my whereabouts and emotions and chip in with their support and advise. That's what matters and nothing else does.

My family and friends are the sails of my boat and steer my boat safely even in turbulent patches of the sea called life.

Today, am positive that this day is going to send a wonderful gift to me and am looking towards receiving it with all my humbleness.

On hindsight....

On hindsight, am glad it's over. It was doomed from the beginning. There was only one person giving and the other was just taking, hoarding n selfish, self centered fool.

Come to think of it, there was no fire in it, no warmth, a coldness which was hard to detect but now looking back , yes the perspective has changed.

There was a beggar and he was always begging and a benevolent benefactor giving always. There was a dog who begged for morsels and the master gave it all, but dogs are faithful, this dog was unfaithful and so one day the master just kicked him out of his home and life.

Now, the dog roams the streets of the nether world begging and pawing anyone passing by for sympathy and love. With his maggot ridden body, pallid face and diseased condition people pitied him and threw bits and pieces of food for him, but how long can anybody feed a parasite, not long. One day he was caught by the municipal authorities and thrown out of the city in the wasteland where he laments, raves and rants of days bygone and his miseries.... But there is no one to listen to him.

What a story to ponder about!

Let's not forget, we have a purpose in life, do your bit for mankind and move on. Do not linger in the past, it has nothing to offer you but an experience that should help you discern between who is there for you and who isn't.

Thanks MEENA, I took your advise seriously and spat out all the anger albeit in a more civilized manner than what you had suggested.

Love you for being there for me . LOL...wink!!!

I know...

I know you are hurting , so am I..... but the twain can't meet, it is fated so.

We are birds of different feather that can't flock together.

Your aspersions and my apprehension , a mixed bag of guilt, shame and drama....

No , it's too late to start all over again....

This happens always and always we end up hurting each other...

There is no end to this ranting.... there is no beginning to this end

all that there is , is NO MORE

Lots to confess....

Yes, there's lots to confess and so many apologies to tender.... LOL.

What the heck.... why should I apologize? and, pray why not?

A constant dilemma playing in the annals of my dense brain/mind.

Gosh, my confessions are gonna put me in the dock. But , have to confess before I die, at least.

Dunno when that's gonna be , but must confess, I want to die beautifully.

Now, the question arises, what is dying beautifully all about? Funny indeed, makes you give a sarcastic laugh. Yeah, I know.... I couldn't write "Dying young", coz am not young anymore. But, I don't wanna die old.

There's so much I want to do, yet I know there's very little time left. So, the best way to do everything is use the fastest medium available to travel through time and space ..... MY MIND.

In my mind, I have visited places , have paired with the best (wink){there's something wicked about this confession} and cooked the most exotic dishes and ... so on.

Sometimes, your dreams become your reality and I have seen some of my dreams turn into reality. albeit it takes time though.

Lemme confess, the reason I blog is to take it all out and it's eternity. Yes, when I am no more, I want my children to know what I was all about and why I did what I did always, why I said what I said and why one day I just shut up and walked away.

I owe it to my kids. They come foremost in all the decisions I take, coz they are my responsibility and are the most beautiful gifts anyone could ever get.

Today, I have the time, tomorrow I might not have the time to write, so am writing as much possible, penning(blogging) my thoughts and sentiments away as they come in the mind and my fingers tap the keyboard letters to give them shape and sense.

My dad used to say, follow your heart , the rest will follow soon. Yes, that's true, and I stuck to the adage and followed my heart always and must confess , he was right.

Today, I have reached a point from where there's no looking back, the journey only gets steeper and tougher and it's a one way ticket to heaven. Success has come at a cost of personal loss, but it has come and at the pinnacle am standing alone, lonely , yes but knowing fully well that it was destined to happen. No fault of mine, just destiny.

More on destiny later...ciao

Walking by...

Walking by the meandering meadows , nestled amongst the beauty of nature, I contemplate and introspect the meaning of life and come out of this reverie positive that whatever happened so far in my life had a meaning , a purpose... a lesson well learnt.

Today, I am ready to take on new challenges and embark on new adventures, experiment further with my life and my time. Phew! What a feeling ! A feeling of exhilaration, a mixed bag of emotions all spiked up with the thought of starting fresh all over again.

Am joined by a few real good friends, who held my hand when I was slipping away.

Thanks for being there folks.

Am seeing the world from a whole new perspective, a resolve not to cow down to the emotional downturns that may come up, impediments meant to test me and my patience, my perseverance.

It's like being born again, looking at things from the eyes of a child just beginning to comprehend the mysteries of the world and all the trivia in it.

Things are looking positive.......... and on that note , I am out of here for some time...

Dasvidaniya.... Phir milenge

I stood there.............. Dedicated to Dr. Parry ... one of my inspirations

I stood there....I stood there, the wind blew n went, the waves lashed against me n left, I stood there

Like a rock, steadfast...

with seagulls perched on my shoulders....

waiting for the right wind to blow me off my feet...

I stood there waiting for the right wave to sweep me away in its flow...

I stood there....sigh

Well grounded in my belief that one day it will happen....

I waited ... I stood there

It's started again...

When I thought , it was all over, it has started again.

I can't go through it over and over again. Am tired... am hurting.

LEAVE ME ALONE... PLEASE

Emotions long forgotten , do not enter the bastion of an emotionless soul ,

Live and let live, you have nothing to lose,

All I have is my sanity , don't let me lose that. I thought I was over you, but you keep springing back in my life,

back and forth and make it difficult for me to cross over to the other side.

Listless eyes watching the door,

Ears attuned to hear the ring of the instrument, lest it be you,

heart fluttering to hear your footsteps,

kitchen seems desolate without the one who loved what I made,

Gawd end this trauma here, I can't take it anymore...............

The sleepless nights when all we heard were melodies,

with wine to quench the thirst of lost souls....

Bring back the magic, bring back the sunshine, bring back the sparkle in your life........

The sound of flute....

Yes, the sound of flute makes me go bonkers completely.

Reminds me of unrequited love and the pain associated with it. How long will it take to heal a broken heart. But, heal what? Heart is still there but aching...........

It's been ages, heard my favourite song and tears welled up in my eyes..........it didn't have to end this way.

My space or your space.....Does it matter?

Nope it doesn't matter at all.... Omigosh am referring to space as in my space; my time , LOL. We all need to create that niche' for ourselves , that nook where we can go and pour out what we cannot do upfront with people.

This is my space and my thoughts. I don't blink even once before I pen my thoughts and feelings here. My opinion matters here and to me. I am answerable to myself only not the rest of the world.

The 'others' stopped being a part of my journey a long time ago. This is my travel and I like to travel alone and with no baggage at all.

There comes a time when we just need to let go and move on... if people can keep up with your pace, fine ; else, they get left behind.

Seems selfish though, yet godammit does anyone bother at all? No, people only want some spice and chutzpah in life and you provide it to them briefly and then they forget. you are a non - entity and shall remain so.

But, whomsoever I met along the way, I gave them my undying love and friendship, faith and loyalty; it was for them to invest their time and energy to keep the relationship alive, I was there non demanding as always, YOU didn't take up the challenge and the opportunity. YOUR bad luck.

LOL

Nah, Just get on with your life man, and lemme be. I need some sparkle and sunshine in my life too. Am not gonna sit here waiting upon you all my life. There are a lot of uncharted paths to explore, lots to do before I bid adieu to this big bad world of emotional insecurity.

No more will I let anyone take me for granted. I come with a tag, DO NOT DISTURB.

AM TROUBLE.... Never trouble trouble unless trouble troubles you....PONDER over this.

Confusion n chaos...

Yup, am all about confusion n chaos in life. Take it with a pinch of salt if u r gonna go for a walk with me.

Aaj tilanjali de di..... yes, paid tribute to a dead relationship to usher in the new.

I was confused n apprehensive, not anymore. My life is one roller coaster ride , dunno when which turn would come and what upheaval it shall bring with it. It's just plain n simple chaotic. I have come to love the chaos now. I get a kind of sadistic pleasure out of my grief now.

I just can't seem to forget although have forgiven the perpetrator of my grief. Sometimes , it's best to let it be. Time may heal the wound but the scar shall remain.

The confusion n chaos are there no more quite evident but an ebbing pain remains reminding me of what was n what remains.

Matters of the heart perplex me... rather they make me go on a whirlwind tour of the world that can never be mine ever. Why am I born to be unlucky in love always?

Guess it's all in the name. They say your life becomes what your name signifies. My name signifies unrequited love. The pure love of Radha and Krishna but which never culminated ever.

My throat is choked with emotions which can never be expressed. Wish I could take your pain away too. I know , you are confused , depressed and lonely but so am I. We belong to different eras and worlds and the twains shall never meet.

Words fail me at this moment.......... maybe someday you will realize your mistake and come back but by then it would be too late.. I have already embarked on my journey.. a never ending search for my lost soul....

Ctrl + alt + Delete

Ya, that's the mood I am in and really if you come in front of me I sure will delete you from the face of Earth..... You are out n out from my life and that's it . Period.

Why did you have to enter my life and ruin it all for me? Was it written on my face that I am stupid?

These are the thoughts that crossed my mind and guess what? I was really pissed off. But, with time everything heals and this wound shall heal too. On hindsight, am glad it's over. Time to give life another chance.

Aur bhi gham hain zamaane mein... logon ka gham dekha toh mein apna gham bhool gayi

No hard feelings. Just a sense of pity at what a certain someone has lost out on.

Yeah, am positive about myself and rightly so.... I have miles to go before I sleep (Robert frost)

On this positive and refreshing note.... I end my blog for today feeling like a butterfly flying high n low, flitting from flower to flower, sucking the nectar of life.

Adios amigo!!

It's all about falling in love.......

Yup, that's what it's all about... to be constantly in a state of love. Am a hopeless romantic. Yeah yeah, it's all about me always... that's why I labelled my blog 'Confessions of an unjust lady...'

Hmmmm............ words fail me at this moment.... I guess I am hopelessly and madly in love ,,,,maybe it's the full moon playing on my emotions.......... you never know

Nearly a year has passed since I last ranted about myself....

Yup, literally a year ago, gosh where was I stuck? In the petty nitty gritties of life trying earn moolah and making a place for myself under the sky. Am still gonna do that but what the heck, till when?

Went through a lot of upheavals in my personal life, stumbled upon untold truths, lies hidden and pushed under the carpet, blah blah blah. What did I achieve so far, nothing? My trust was betrayed, my whole value system was shaken up not to mention the emotional trauma that came in the package deal.

Yeah, I guess today's blog is all about my whining and venting my feelings out. Feelings kept sealed in the dark innards of my aching heart. How could I let someone use me like this?

Anyways, we all learn from our mistakes . It was a learning experience.

So, Ciao for now. There are many more experiences to go through and many more mistakes to be made. It's a life long process and am game for it.