Ages...........

It's been ages since I last blogged. Whew, a whirlwind affair with new insights into operations in education industry kept me bogged down preventing me from blogging. Today am in a slightly chilled out state so thought of pouring out my sufferings. Hahahha, cribbing always, that's so unjust. am all fagged out in a month of in my job, yet I want to continue doing it coz that's my bread and butter and jam and marmalade and Pancakes and maple syrup. All the good things in life come with a price tag. And, one has to really slog it out to grab the goodies.

The kids love my absence from home , no matter what am always nagging them otherwise. So, good riddance to the hag who brings moolah home for them to spend lavishly on their whims and fancies.

Am reduced to being a minting machine. Hahha, might as well go stay at the Reserve Bank of India's mint. It hurts to know your value...just a couple of bucks....nothing else but an ATM machine...ATM here means Any Time Money.

Burnout................

Burnt out, absolutely, no holidays not even on weekends, high energy levels but low on maintenance. need to slow down else will burn out like a cigarette.

Am gung ho about my new job but am putting in too much too soon, don't want to fizzle out soon.

Love my job , my team , my boss but am neglecting my home front , have no time for anyone.

God help me prioritise and manage time.

Touch wood, cross my fingers.

Finally, a day to supposedly rest...

Finally, a day for rest but a whole lot to do at the home front. Bank, kid's school, meeting relatives....hectic day ahead. No am not cribbing but am already overwhelmed looking at the schedule. When will I get me for myself?

Missing the 'Me' time. But too busy to actually note it. Hahaahha. Life goes on , at it's own pace and then one suddenly finds oneself confronted with conflicts of interests and boing you are on defensive turf. Hhehehehe. But, life goes on. One fine day , life takes a sudden turn and it's all changed and charged up to take on challenges; but life goes on. Life goes on even when there is nothing really happening in your life and you find yourself bored to death ; a change brings a fresh insight and life goes on.

Life will go on and on....but, it's how you take it...lightly or seriously that matters. For me, I want to make the most of every moment that life has to offer with my kids, my friends, my family...these days never return, the memories remain to be cherished.

It's been ages......

Yup, it's been ages since I last blogged and raved and ranted . I am working now and so just a wee bit busy. But somehow, despite being tired am unable to sleep so decided to blog , maybe that would make drowsy. Heehehehee.

Yes, it's been hectic, running and catching buses , trains and taxis to reach your workplace and after a back breaking day reach home all tired . But, you know what removes the tiresomeness in all this rigmarole? A sweet smile of your child. Yeah, My kids know how to make me forget all the tensions of a hard day at work. They are sweet angels, little big devils without horns, but nonetheless cute and my very own.

Am in a contemplative mood wondering , would life be the same without them? Would life have a meaning without them? NO, I love my kids and no matter what , am always gonna be there for them and always wish them to be with me heart and soul.

Somehow, life seems to have no meaning without these two coming up with their naughty pranks and demands. Especially, the sweet way to blackmail me into giving in to their demands.

I love my kids. Every mother does. But, every mother doesn't have kids like mine, they have their own kids. This goes out for every mother, a deep sense of gratitude for bringing life on Earth and nurturing that life to become great souls and leaders of tomorrow.

Day 11. Holi Hai...

The festival of colours is here today and I am sitting at home and tweeting, Facebooking and gchatting. No, am not a colours person. Used to be, now no more.

Holi , I remember as a kid used to be fun, with these huge tanks of coloured water and us kids dunking ourselves in them in Andamans.

Later, in Mumbai as a young child and then teenager throwing water from our balcony on people below and going to the club and the Naval Mess for lunch. It was fun.

As a wife and mother, it was full of tension with a drunk husband and my son wandering off. I had a harrowing time locating my son whom I found behind the bar in Kochi next to the waterway enjoying coca cola.

And, now as a single mom, no holi for me, yes the kids do go out and enjoy and then the scrubbing and cleaning of the kids and the home.

At different stages of life, holi has meant different things to me, yet the fervor of color hasn't changed. I still dream of once again playing holi with gay abandon and dunking myself in tanks of coloured water. Hope am able to do it again in this lifetime.

Happy Holi.

Day 10.On being a woman in a man's world....

Strange a man is borne out of a woman yet it is said that it is a man's world. I don't agree with it. The world's economy also runs on a woman's spending then how can it be a man's world?

Everything that happens , happens because of a woman. Remember the Trojan war. Man is just a subordinate being taking his orders and cues from women.

You can't have a man standing on Earth unless or until a woman bears him in her womb for nine months , nurturing him, feeding him, caring for him, loving him and what not. Yet the man has the audacity to sell her in the market for a few bucks more. The lust of man knows no bounds. Yet a woman forgives a man all his sins and comforts him when he is down and out.

Even the goddesses in the mythological tales trail behind the male gods. Why?

Who decides that it's a man's world? Not me, not you then who made that statement and who made it stay on? Even Earth is known to be of a feminine gender...'Mother Earth'. And, look at man he hasn't spared her even and ravaged her. The savage brute needs to be tamed. Who will bell the cat?

We talk of equality , yet in the parliament we are accorded only 33% of seats. Why? Why not full 50% ? What does man have to fear from a woman?

She is a giver; she gives life; she doesn't take lives.

How can a giver of life and form be subject to scrutiny and be an unpaid bonded labourer. She is bound by societal norms as a daughter, wife, daughter in law and then mother. When will she come of her own?

I have set my own standards. I am not bound to any man. I won't let it ever happen to me or my daughter.

I vow to unleash woman power in this world, more like power puff girls and let women be the ultimate force on Earth. Is any woman game for it?

Day 9. Can't stop blushing....

Am always feeling shy and blushing. That's why people don't take me seriously. They think am still a kid. No, I am not. I am a full grown 40 year old with two adolescent kids. I feel shy and blush , because it comes naturally to me.

My whole life has been spent feeling shy coz I really do feel shy on meeting new people or on occasions or when sweet nothings are whispered in my ears.

I don't feel shy, neither do I blush when am with old friends and family. Then, I am boisterous and bold. Then people can't make me stop laughing out loud and passing remarks and comments and just being ME.

People who know me intimately know very well that my blush and shyness is a natural response to a new situation or person. It's not a put on. It just flows into existence when I meet someone for the first time. I get tongue tied and am at a loss for words to express anything.

Earlier, they would refer to me as BAWI. A term to refer to a Parsi lady. Coz, At times I do behave like one. In college and University, people thought I was a Parsi. There are times when I think, that maybe my parents adopted me from a Parsi family. I have so many characteristics of a Bawi. Especially, the entire act of feeling shy , that is looking down and swaying from side to side. It's so unlike the smart exterior I have. The charismatic self just dissolves in the shy act.

When will I ever be rid of my shyness? But, isn't there a proverb in Hinduism, that shyness is the jewellery of a woman? If that be so, then I have no regrets and happy that I have that piece of jewellery in my kitty.

Day 8. Can't stop falling in love...

Really, Can't stop falling in love over and over again. This one has this particular quality I like and that one has that particular quality I like , so I fall in love with both. No one person has all the qualities I like , so I can't just start loving ONLY one person. How Unjustified am I?

Hahahaha! I love the feeling of falling in love. I always fall in love with babies and young toddlers....No, am not a cradle snatcher. LOL. It's just that they are so cute and innocent and they smell so babyish, so good.

Then, I am a sucker for beautiful eyes, man or woman anyone will do. I fall in love with people who have beautiful eyes. I fall in love with cute noses and luscious lips. Clean and cute ears turn me on. So, the crux of the matter is I am always falling in love; 24x7...love , love, love.

Why can't I fall in love with just ONE person, why multiple people?

It intrigues me. Yes, it does. I guess, I am just plain human and love all of mankind and the flora and fauna on Earth. Now, this is getting rather bookish and theoretical and to some extent philosophical. I love the unabashed humour of certain people, that is why am still sticking around in twitter. I love the sarcasm in the statements of certain people, so they are still in my life, I love the open laugh of some people, so true and innocent without vile or guile. There is something in everyone which attracts me to them.

So, how can I say, I love only one person? I love them all. My name is synonymous with pure love , my actions are full of love for every thing that is beautiful and mind you everything and everyone is beautiful in some way or the other.

I just can't stop falling in love....

Day 7. All set to take on New Challenges...

There comes a time in life , when one has to prioritise what one wants and at what level. Guess that time of reckoning is looming large on my horizon. I have to set my goals and standards and the responsibilities have to be shared and supported by persons concerned else there wouldn't be any progress. Time to become a tough nut to crack.

Opportunities do not knock on our door all the time. Albeit I do wish they would. Now is the time to muster the strength to let go of old ties that are stagnating and forge new ties with future. Time to say, I need my space ....my me time. I need a career, I can't sit at home and cook all the time. Time to be really called an unjustified lady, an unjust mom. But, It's for the kids that I need to get out of the home and start my career afresh. Else, they really would call me unjust in future when their demands for a sound education and livelihood aren't met.

It's hard to be a single parent, howmuchever I may rant about my freedom and space it's really hard. The funny and happy exterior camouflages a broken woman, who needs to go out there in the big bad world to earn a decent living.

Why am I in such a reflective and contemplative mood? what's wrong with the unjust lady today? why this introspection?

Whoa! What a way to begin the day. Let's hope all goes well and the day ends well.

With that mood , I take your leave and get on with my worldly chores and move on ahead in life.

Day 6. Missed a Day...

Yes, missed a day of blogging in between because I was busy getting a job of my dreams. All those months of painstakingly and patiently waiting for my chance and time to come has paid off. I have my dream job, albeit the commutation to it is a huge task yet I will do it because this is what I always wanted to do, to be able to bring in a change in the field of Education.

I must confess, I hopped a lot of jobs just because I didn't believe in the ideologies of schools and their management which was always in conflict with their vision and mission statement. I used to feel claustrophobic in a hypocritical environment.

I hope with this new twist in my career I shall be happy and be able to put my point across and change the complete outlook towards Education beginning right from the formative years.

I hope I shall be able to train and bring a change in the teachers involved in the growing up years of teaching and learning.

There are so many dreams in my larger picture of a dream that I can fulfil given the right opportune moment. I do hope my time has come.

I want to change the entire concept of Education and bring about a change in the current trends in the Education system in India.

I want to be the change I want to see.

Wish me luck and bless me Lord, for I really want this to work for me , my kids and the world.

Day 5. Now what?....Let's see...

The morning started with preparing breakfast and snacks for the kids and man was I excited about the whole thing. Yes I was , I am. The kids just left smiling and happy. Nothing like smart, smiling kids going to school happily and all trussed up. I love my kids. But, I must confess there are times when I feel that I am an unjust Mother. So, I guess today's blog is all about my unjustified vilifying actions against my kids. Of course , in my defence all I got to say is that I am trying to discipline my kids.

There are times when things get too hot to handle , what with the elder one stepping into the teens and his teen aches. Especially with the hormones raging and playing havoc with his skin with eruptions and man, does he scream in horror each morning he looks into the mirror. My wash room is awash with all sorts of ace scrubs and cleansing milk and lotions , both for men and women . No, my daughter and I do not use these products. These are used by my teenaged son who believes that his mom has good skin and that she married a man with horrible skin and the sin is showing on him. He blames his genes for his appearance and I am at the the receiving end for not marrying the right person.

And, all along I thought my family and relatives were the only ones lamenting about my choice of a suitable groom. Now my kids too. It's difficult being a single parent in such a situation and thus, the frustration accumulates and then one day rears its ugly head and I blow my top like a pressure cooker. And, when the steam is totally vent out, I feel remorse at having yelled and screamed at two innocent beings for nothing and that's the time they rub it into me that I was unjustified in my action and emotionally blackmail me into giving into their unjustified demands. Are they using me and my unjustifiable anger to their advantage? Yes , they are. Despite knowing this I guess I still give in , because I love my kids despite all the odds in this world. They are aptly my little devils without horns.

There is a lot more , and hilarious anecdotes about my kids and their unjustified actions, which shall be unravelled in blogs to come. Till then , ciao.

Day 4. And what is it that the lady wants.....

An unjustified claim to fame and fortune. Yup, sitting at home, blogging and tweeting away one's life and time, I expect to reach instant stardom and fame doing nothing at all but stare blankly at my laptop screen. Must say, the constant staring into the oblivion of the pixellated screen has ruined my eyes and now it's become impossible to even read the bills at restaurants where I dine and wine , because am in no mood to cook. By god, what a lazy bum this heavy lady has become whining while dining and pining always for something she doesn't really deserve.

So, confessing my unjustifiable stance that I am the best is hard to come by, hard to swallow, yet I must admit in full confidence that yes I am always raving and ranting about how cruel the rest of the hard working world is , while I the Lazy, crazy one is the poor soul who really needs to be out their with a perfect job and a great salary doing nothing at all.

Today, I guess is a day when I shall be showering lamentations upon myself for doing nothing at all. Today, I guess is the day of reckoning when I shall redeem myself to humility and humbleness. Guess today I am in a mood for self-procrastination.

Why do I blame the world for all my self inflicted miseries? I ought to pick up the threads of my dangling life and get on ahead full throttle and take life as it comes with enthusiasm and zeal. Why don't I do that? What holds me back?

Is it the fear of the unknown that stifles me? Or is it just plain lazy boneness that impedes my growth? Hard to comprehend. My musings make my migraine surface and give me aches and pains, yet am dissatisfied with what I have so far concluded. There is no answer. The question is unanswered. Maybe the answer lies in taking the path least tread and make my own path. It's probably time to come out of my cocoon and spread my wings and fly. I guess I will do just that. The musings and contemplation remain unjustified, the world seems unjust but what the heck I am going great guns and taking my life full steam ahead towards progress, come hail or thunderstorm. With that I end this self observatory blog here.

Day 3. Another round of confessions.....

Yup, another round of some guilty confessions...

Once I had a terrible quarrel with my middle sister elder to me by 5 years. What did I do to get back at her? Well, we were staying in Kolkata and I always maintained two journals of science , one for my sister to tear when she was angry with me and one the original one for school. So, she tore the journal in anger and satisfied her anger, what was I to do to get my own back at her. She was in fact still is fond of perfumes and had a collection of them. I opened her perfume bottles and slyly added water to the perfumes and lo behold the solution in them turned milky white. I knew she would question me. So, when she asked me wondering what must have gone wrong with her perfumes I very innocently gave her a scientific reasoning saying that since it was hot and humid in Kolkata her perfumes got discoloured. HAHAHAHAHAHA. And she believed me. It was later in life that I told her about it and boy oh boy, what a laugh we had.

Today also when I look back on those carefree days, I smile and tears trickle down my cheeks thinking how happy and innocently vindictive we were. I wish I could rewind and relive those days again.

If I were given a second life, I would like to live it the same way I lived my this life. It was beautiful. There have been days when I have been hurt but looking back I guess it only made me stronger. There are no ill feelings that I harbour against anyone. Today, I want them all in my life as my friends and family happily reminiscing and living together.

I also remember my birthday bashes which my brothers and sisters kept for me. But, I hardly had any friends, and all those who attended those parties were either my brother's or my sister's friends and they would bring gifts and pamper me. I also remember being kicked out of the room because my sister and her friends would be giggling and sharing their secrets and so would my brother and his friends. I grew up mostly as a lonely child despite there being four other siblings. The age difference mattered a lot.

During adolescent years, I remember blackmailing my brother into parting with his money or ordering pizzas for me from Trattoria, now at Taj President so that he could be left alone with his girlfriends in the absence of my parents at home. My bribe would include a movie and a big bottle of cola.

Now, that secret is used to tease him and his wife during family gatherings. How wicked can I get? There are lots of incidences and lots of memories. The walk down the memory lane is haphazard skipping a few years here and there but they would be included too. Time today's blog at this juncture to reminisce about days of glory in the past. Me and my memories...

Day 2 Confessions Galore...

Another day taking a shot at blogging and I must confess, am still jittery with regards to my blog spot. But, what the heck, once started why stop. Yup that's the other me, revolting rebel. Yes, a rebel . I have been a rebel always. I wasn't even supposed to be born , but I was hellbent on seeing this world and it's varied colours and hues. So, despite being born premature at eight months I survived and must confess the fortieth spring of my life has made me realize my potential to survive despite all odds.

So, this confession is all about being a rebel of sorts. it's going be one long journey of tales hence might take a few more blogging sessions trying to retrieve instances from my one big life and its travails.

As a child I was the quiet one. No never uttered a word. No one knew I existed even when I was standing in front of them. Yup, the quiet one, though my mom has a different take on it saying that those who are quiet in childhood turn out to be the notorious ones in adulthood. Maybe looking at me , one could say she is right. But, now she has to bear the brunt of all my mistakes as she terms them and their repercussions.

I am told at the age of one, my eldest sister by 8 years of age difference took me swimming to the Naval pool in Bombay. And , guess what? I nearly drowned . Why? Well, in those days we didn't have these fancy life jackets or tubes for survival in water. We had large navy time , tubes. well, the eldest sibling threw one of those black tubes in water and threw me in too. She was just 9 years old , and then she jumped in . But couldn't locate me coz I had gone under and was drowning. Any how she saved me and got me home and didn't tell anyone about the incident, but every night after that I would wake up with a start gasping for air, which my mother couldn't understand. One fine day she happened to meet the Physical training Instructor from the pool who told her about the incident and my poor sister was put under detention and no more swimming sessions for her. I guess since then she harbours this intense desire to get me into trouble all the time, yet I am her favourite muse. She experiments on me, yup there will be more on that in later blogs but man Am I the guinea pig of the family?

Yes, earlier on, when I was this gurgling 3 or 4 month old baby my brother elder elder to me by 3 years, wanted to find out if the marble he had in his hand could go in from my mouth and come out from my other end. Yes, he shoved a marble in my gurgling mouth and I was choking on it while he was gleefully and happily waiting for it at the other end. My mom, found me nearly blue with suffocation and saved my tiny life but you betcha my brother got such a lashing for the same. And, he too has been experimenting with me, and you my dear reader shall read one day about those heinous experiments. I call him the Doctor who created "Frankenstein Monster' That's me.

We are in total five brothers and sisters. I being the youngest of the siblings was always experimented upon by all of them. But, yes I was the pampered spoilt brat who knew all their secrets and made a fortune out of blackmailing them. To this day, I am a pampered brat, first it was my parents, brothers and sisters and now my own brats who pamper me silly.

"We are product of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it." ~ Rick Warren

Rightly and pretty aptly put forth by Rick Warren, the above quote puts the perspective right for me. I guess by blogging about my past I am just letting loose all those shackles that bound me to my insecurities. Looking back I have no regrets in life but am glad I had those incidences occurring in my life that made me what I am , a person who can empathise with the likes of me and the lesser mortals too. I must confess, I have been a terror to my siblings of late. Earlier they used to experiment on me , and now it's me trying new stunts unknowingly to guage the effect on them. More in a later blog, Meet you all soon with more on my life and it's amusing tales.

Day1. Confessions of an unjust friend...

I must confess, I have not been such a good friend albeit all my friends have been kind enough to overlook that fact. I hardly ever keep in touch with my friends. I always expect them to call me. And, look to the extent that when I really need them to rally around me, I give them missed calls. Heights! Righto. So, this blog is all about 'confessions of an unjust friend'.

I have been unjust to the extent of dumping my friends yet when I needed them they were there. Friends are a treasure we must cherish especially truly good friends, who can tell you on your face what an asshole you are. I do that, actually , I guess all my friends hate me for that'quality', that says go to hell. I don't need you and bloody hell i snivel up to to them and blow my sniveling nose on their kerchiefs.

There have been trying times, good times and bad times, good times I have forgotten my friends , yup am truly confessing their names just don't come up in the mind screen and bad times they are there in bold letters.

How can anyone be so selfish? I have been and am truly sorry for that. I deleted all my childhood friends and sweethearts from my social networking sites. Pray, why? Just like that. Hope they understand that I tend to be moody and whimsical at times.

There will be more on my confessions as a friend since the list is long, shall do so based on my whims and fancies. See, there I go again....an unjust friend.

Day1. Confessions of an Unjust Lady...

Holy cow! I can't believe that I have finally mustered the courage to start blogging. The entire idea is to confess to my sins from the moment I was conceived to date, and that too under various titles. So, dear reader be ready to be bombarded with a lot of nonsensical and maybe articulate diarrhoea of words from time to time from me.

Oops! There I go at it again. All about me , myself , Radhika...one unjust woman in this unjust world.

Lemme gather together my thoughts and start blogging and vent out my confessions which for all you may know are not known to many for that matter any. They say a woman's heart is an ocean , what lies in the fathoms of the ocean only she knows. So, let me unleash the treasures from within through my blog posts and try and make the world a bit better and justifiable to live in.

Signing off for now.

Radz