His Silence ...

...Speaks volumes ...

Yes, his silence speaks volumes. It could mean , he couldn't care less. He had his fun. He has found joy elsewhere. One was just a toy he desired and wanted to possess.... Once that object was his, he had no use for it. He just used her and walked away. Feeling like a man who has got what he wanted , and now searches another victim to fulfill his carnal instinct.

What did he lose? Nothing...
Nothing at all ...

He left her bereft of her self esteem ... having squeezed the life out of her.

He left her with one of his own ... one she nurtures deep within.

The rains , wash her tears away ... no one sees them but her own. Her smile a distant cry of yesterday ... eyes vacant , she waits.

Why did he choose to use her? Why her only? Was she some trophy to achieve ? Anger seethes within , for she knows not why he did what he did.

Should she kill herself along with his seed within?

Should she go and congratulate him for giving her a new life to harbour?

Confused, she paces pa and down ... sleepless nights and soundless cries ... whimpering and stifling the howl ... the lone woman wipes her tears away ... for she waits for another day.

Watching him each day ...

Each day she sees him...
Each day she meets him...
Each dawn sees her resolving ...
To forget him ...
Each dusk sees her pining for him.

She meets him ....
Not looking in the eye...
Lest he sees her love for him....
Lest he sees how much she needs him ...
Lest he sees her weakness ...
Lest he sees himself in her eyes.

She has given up on all...
Lost I  his thoughts ...
She goes by the day ...
Mechanically fulfilling duties....
Asked of her by the World ...
Responsibilities taken care of ...
All mechanically ...
A robot like demeanour ...
Her stride so wooden ...
Hardly a smile these days ...
Going hollow with passing moments ...
Missing him ...
This time round , more so...
For she gave of her to him ...
Carrying his seed within ...
Not knowing how to break the news...
She passes each day ...
Dying from within.

She misses him ...
The unborn growing within ...
Contemplating on action ...
Or reaction ...
Wondering whether to tell him ...
Fearful of rejection...
She doesn't want to lose the life....
That is growing within.

Only death can do them apart...
Genuine love ...
Passion unfurled ...
The result in her womb.

She waits upon him ...
Each day ...
Yet not meeting his eye....
He is hers to love ...
His shadow in her.

Anokhee baat ...

Kuch baat toh hai mere Mehboob mein ...
Jo ghoom phir kar dhyan unhee ka aata hai....
Kuch toh rabbta hai unse ...
Jo paagal mann unki jhalak ko tarasta hai.

Baat hai ek ...
Par hai anokhee badi ..
Kabhi dil O dimaag mein jhaankiye huzoor ...
Tasveer sirf aur sirf aapki.

Kuch toh baat hai uss shaqs ki shaqsiyat mein ...
Jo bechain hum bhatakte hein ...
Beeti raatein kaise kateen...
Sirf Rabb hi jaanta hai ...
Chaiin sukoon kahan gaye ...
Pata nahi....
Buss ek hi naam zehann mein ...
Ek hi soorat aankhon mein ...
Duniya Deewani kehti hai ...
Mei Prem deewani sab bisraa baithi.

Anokhee adaa hai unki ...
Anokha andaaz ...
Baat anokhee jab nikli ...
Mere ishq ka naam ubhar kar aaya.'''
Yeh ishq farmaan chadha hai ...
Badnaam sar e aam hua hai.

Anokhee baat ...
Anokhey jazbaat...
Kya hona hai pata nahi ..
Jo hoga so dekha jayega.

Every moment...

Every moment away from you is a moment of death for me... I live and die each second ... I look around in anticipation lest you are lurking behind in the shadows , watching me, wanting me as I want you ... but, am aware ... I blocked you from all spheres of my life ... I have kept myself locked away from you.

It hurts to be away from you ... it hurts to not talk to you ... it hurts to keep my feelings within ... it hurts to hurt you with words ... but , a necessary evil to make you hate me... a need to keep your sanity intact .. the sanctity of our love intact.

I want nothing more than to be with you always ... Alas, it is not to be ever ... destiny played its card a long time ago ... we are not meant to be.

In my loneliness, I write to you ... words pouring my heart out ... my monologue with you and the spirit of our love.

I miss you , as I always did ... more so this time , for am yours ... the shadow that can never be yours ... yet waiting in the wings to catch a glimpse of your shine.

I love you and will always love you so ... have no doubt about my fidelity ... for I started with you , I end in you.

The Destroyer ...

The one for whom you wait all your life...
Comes in frint of you one day ...
You give your all to him ...
He takes it all ...
And, one fine day....
Walks away ...
Disappears from your horizon ...
And, realization dawns ...
The evil of his intentions ...
You sink into a black hole ...
A hole so deep ...
You try to come up for air ...
But, all that occurs is ...
You die of suffocation ...
Suffocation due to emotions ...
Smothering your thoughts ..
Feelinys untold ...
Unfolding within ...
Engulfing your whole being ...
Into a bundle of death ...
You die ...
You die a horrible death each day ...
The destroyer ... he laughs ....
And, watches from a distance ...
A smug smile on his face ...
You are wiped from existence ...
Out cold and shivering ...
Down to the very core of your bones ...
You wither away ...
To smithereens you are done...
Nothing to salvage ...
In this destruction of dreams...
Nothing left at all.

The destroyer walks on ...
In search of another victim.

I turned my face away ...

I saw him today ...
He had come to leave his little one ...
I turned my face away....
It was hard to do so...
But steely resolve took precedence...
I turned my face away ...
With my eyes lay low...
I didn't look up ...
Lest his brightness blinds me ...
I can't show him my feelings ...
I can't let him know...
He is my weakness ...
He is my strength ...
Yet, I am in dilemma...
Pushing him away.

His love leaves a blush on my cheeks...
I bear a flushed look ...
Stars in my eyes ...
Forgotten in his gaze.

I can't let him see...
The love I cherish since ages ...
Just for him ...
I shower now the same ...
On his little ones ...
My way of dealing ...
With the tragedy of a broken heart.

 Catharsis ...
Belonging to him ...
Yet, shutting him out ...
For he belongs to another now ...
In my heart of hearts ...
None can dislodge him ...
From the pedestal he occupies ...
He , my love ...
I, his love...
So near...
Yet, so far.

I turned my face away ...
Lest he sees the tears ..
In my unslept eyes...
The torment and pain ...
Visible from his absence....
Pain ...
It aches to keep away ...
But, that is destiny.

He returns... The prodigal Son returns...

He has returned ...
Reincarnated as his son...
He watches me intently...
Sleeps in my arms as my own ...
Yes, he has come back.

Agni , my Son ...
He is back ...
To question me ...
To give solace to my flared emotions ...
He is back to love ...
For he knows...
I yearned for his return.

My prayers answered ...
But, with a twist ...
He comes with an old flame ...
A package not to be opened.

A constant dilemma...
Love yet no love ...
I can't even call him my own ...
For he is born of another...
But through my own.

My baby, my prayer ...
My Agni ....
You come each day ...
Just to sleep in your mothers arms ...
Weekends are a torture ...
Without you my child.

My unfulfilled desire ...
My unborn child ...
I see you ...
I feel you ...
I need you around me...
My Son , my dreams ...
My desire ...
Born of love ...
I have missed you....
I miss you ...
Each night is a torment...
No sleep ...
Just eyes wide open ...
Dreaming and thinking of you ...
How I wish ...
You were mine to cuddle ...
But, Alas! Twist of fate ...
has seen you born ...
In the home of an old flame.

A constant battle ...
Each day ...
A new dilemma ...
Am being punished for being your mother...
For a mistake in the past.

I love you my Son ...
Wish time would turn around ...
You would be mine ....
So, I can hear you call me Mom.

He returns ...
The prodigal Son returns ...
To claim what is rightfully his ...
A place in my heart and life.

The last pillar...

Hope, they say keeps you afloat...

The last bastion has fallen...
No hope left to salvage ...
The ruins a gaping wound...
Oozing blood and pus...
The last pillar standing...
Is crumbling to the ground.

No scope left for improvement...
Agony and pain visible...
The World of hope bleak...
Nothing left to look forth to...
All is gone in one swipe...
Fate, the master of destiny...
Ruins as far as eye can see...
Not a farthing to believe...
The last pillar standing...
Crumbling into dust.

Like a pack of cards...
All that was envisioned, lost;
Cruel is the hand of fate...
Ruthless is the King of Spades.
The last pillar...
The last man standing ...
Gone forever into oblivion....
Never to be found again.

The Shadow...

She promised him her love...
She promised him her fidelity...
She promised to be his Shadow.

She won't indulge him...
She won't let him go weak...
She is his strength...
She won't be by his side ...
She will be ahead of him...
At times behind him...
And so eetimes within him...
She is his shadow...
She will lovd him forever...
But never desire him.

She will trail him...
She will pamper him...
His wishes are hers to fulfill...
But in her dreams ...
In her wishful thoughts ...
For she is the shadow...
That follows him.

In the shadows she remains...
For that's the best to do...
For this life is gone by...
Maybe next will be hers.

The innocence and purity ...
Of their love...
Must remain untarnished...
For their sacrifice is sacramont...
She must remain a shadow...
In the shadows find her bliss.

Her passion and guilt...
A shadow looming large...
She hides in the brilliant flash of her smile....
She glides into  another realm...
Away from his shadow...
For it shouldn't merge...
With her shadow.

She is the Shadow...
That shades his garden...
That brings the cool factor in.

She is the Shadow ...
That fans his flaring temperament...
She is the shadow...
That keeps him cool.

She is his Shadow...
Away from prying eyes...
She remains in his shadow...
As his shadow forever.

Turn of events...

The fucked up events that make your fucking life go topsy turvy.... that is what I abhor. Bloody hell, one person always at the receiving end ... till when.

Bloody hell, you can't even fucking cry lest your loved ones, little ones see those drops of emotion running down your cheeks and feel helpless at the situation they are in.

Damn life!  Damn the one that led to this state.

That  is why, it is best to be a loner, lest you become a cause of such situation elsewhere. Better in your own cocoon where you harm none and none is affected by you.

Life comes one full circle , they say.... when will the circumference of this circle be full? When is the misery going to end?

Damn , damn , damn ... the writer of this script.... damn everyone.

Fuck Man!! Enough of the shit termed as Love & Friendship...

Just have had enough of the bull shit that people term Love and friendship. There is no love. There is no friendship. All that exits is a carnal need for fucking companionship. Fuck the crap and come straight down to the crux of the matter. Your fucking libido is raging in your hormones , don't give it an emotional twist.

Fuck man!!

You can't just keep using the pretext of love to describe your lust and con people. One may believe you, two may too but not all are shitty nincompoops. Damn you human emotions eating into the crappy grey matter we all possess. Ruining a perfectly smooth running life , the damn destiny written by someone up there.

Enough of emotional outbursts. Enough of giving away yourself for a moments pleasure. Enough is enough.

All that you hold dear turning out to be a fucking farce. Yeah! Fuck in every statement cause Fuck can be anything and not just an act.

Better off are those that remain in their shells , unperturbed by volatility of emotions or vulnerability of the same. Blessed are the ones who don't feel. There are far more better things to do than wait upon someone who has just played with your emotions and walked away claiming his worldly duties. Fuck him and his duties. One is better off without such spineless critters of the night.

There would be no end to this nightmare , the ghost who torments you. He can have his fun but he won't let you share a few moments of happiness with anyone else. He keeps you cocooned and away from others just for his own libidinal satisfaction , gives you no freedom and yet expects you to be at his beck and call. Fuck such a shitass arsehole and his ideas of ideal companionship whereas his contribution to the relation is zero , next to nil.

Fuck Man!!! Enough of this shit called Love and friendship ... enough is enough. Period.

In an instant ...

All that she believed in ...
All that she lived ...
All that she had...
Was gone....
In an instant ... All was gone.

The home she had built...
A nest of love ...
Every bit and shard ...
Came falling apart ....
She was left ...
Bereft of any emotions ...
She was a motionless form ...
A lifeless vegetable ...
A rootless homeless...
She walked the streets  with her own ...
Two angels only her own ...
The darkness engulfed her ...
Swallowed her whole ...
She never emerged ...From the Black hole.

The shock of deceit ...
In an instant ...
Took away her World...
Wiped the smile off her lips...
The tears stood still...
At the edge ...
On the verge of a spill ...
But, never rolled down her cheeks.

She walked away broken ...
In her thoughts yet alive ...
Memories that haunt her day and night...
Memories that stop her from loving another...
Memories that sap her energy...In an instant all was gone ...
That instant she lives every moment....
She dies every moment...
She isn't alive ...
All that the World sees is ...
The Skeletal remains ...
Of what once was.

In an instant ...
She lost all that she stood for.

She Thinks ...

She thinks ...
All she does is think ...
An imaginative creature ...
Creating scenarios in her mind...
All she does is Think.

She imagines ...
The World to be a peaceful one...
That she can leave for her own kin...
Her kith and other Kids ...
She wishes for World peace...
She wishes for a Greener tomorrow...
She works towards the goal ...
Of leaving a better World behind her.

She dreams a lot ..
She dreams with her eyes wide open ...
She dreams with tears streaming down her cheeks ...
She dreams of her own home.

She has regrets ...
Foe sins not committed by her ...
She laments the lost youth ...
She wishes the childhood lost ..
By her little ones ...
Be returned ...
She wishes a lot...
She wishes , she had bowed ...
Cowed down to demands irrelevant ...
She wants to turn the clock back again.

She thinks ...
So she can ...
In her imaginary World ...
All is hunky dory ...
Her World ...
Where all is well...
Not a tear is shed of sorrow and gloom ...
But of laughter and fun.

Her Life is rife with conflict...
Emotional trauma she bears alone ...
A lonesome , secluded life ...
A barrier around her ...
She leads the life of a recluse ...
A safe haven created ...
She lives in her own World...
No one allowed in ...
Just her and her alone...
So, she can think and ...
Create her own Heaven ...
Away from the hell of emotional conflict ..
Happy in her loneliness ...
Satiated in her aloneness..
With her own conflicting thoughts ...
Her own monsters and demons to deal with.

She thinks , she can ...
And, she will ...
There is nothing stopping her thoughts ...
Just SHE and Her Thoughts alone.

Smiling within ...

A slight twitch...
Opening into a wide smile...
This is what thoughts...
Of you do to my Lips...
A sly smile always ...
Deepening thoughts ...
Deepening smile ...
Eyes glistening with unshed tears ...
Tears of joy ...
Happy in the knowledge ...
You are there for me always.

Smiling within ...
I walk briskly ...
Into another day ...
Another challenge ...
Knowing well that...
I shall overcome all obstacles ...
All apprehensions laid to rest ...
Am aware of my being ...
In your presence I bloom ...
Under your watchful eyes ...
I know I shall glow.

The flame within extinguished , rekindled ...
I am a new Me ...
A flower blooms once again...
Smiling within ...
The radiance emanating again ...
The fragrance engulfing all.

A memorable weekend ...

With the clock striking 12 am ... the weekend began...Making a presentation for Mom's upcoming Birth anniversary and simultaneously wondering when we would really begin the journey into the past that day, a very hyper me began the day.

Constantly on Whats App with friends , contemplating the moves of the two bouncers I would be travelling with but clueless about their plans, I got dressed and made a move to go shopping around. Shopped till I dropped dead, Nah.... but shopping I did with my little ones all grown up helping me chose the gifts and rolling their eyes up at my innocence in dealing with the shop staff.  Kids... they think am always making a fool of myself. Histrionics being my forte'.

Reaching back home, desperately waiting to go on  my Pune trip ... all jittery and wide eyed .. no sleep all charged up.No hunger ... just waiting to embark on an exciting journey.

What a trip!! Whew... we stared at quarter to two and it took us nearly six hours for a hour journey. Just fultoo masti and singing songs and getting lost on the way... Getting lost!!! Yes... we lost our bearings and Our host and good friend Gyani had to come looking for us. All charged up we dumped our stuff at his place , met  Amita, our impeccable hostess and a darling, beautiful lady to our Colonel Sahib. From there, we went to pick up Susan... dreaded Caesar her pet and munched a coupe of Chicken cutlets while posing for photographs and packed the rest to take for our rendezvous point... Gyani's breezy and cool balcony. We spent the entire evening till the wee hours of the morning in the balcony while our gracious hostess made us feel completely at home and filled up our bread baskets with munchkins and Gyani topped our glasses while we got totally tipsy in memories and clicking photographs and making plans for retirement and settling around each other.

While all went to sleep ... I looked back on the hours spent with good old friends ... And felt grateful that we had all bonded well .. an evening well spent. Quality time with friends , no pretenses just open talks and jokes. We had all turned into little boys and girls.

The next morning , we had tea prepared by Gyani and then cheese toasts, then we set out to drop off Susan at her place; saw her School and office premises ... then back again to Wind Chimes for another session of a hearty breakfast of Idli, wada, chutney and Sambhar plus Jalebis with Rabdi.... awesome experience with Sachin giving Pratik a head massage.Innocent fun and frolic , then it was time for me to adjust my sails and go to my siblings home nearby to continue celebrations for my Moms birth anniversary.

It was indeed a memorable weekend made a golden moment in the company of old friends from days of yore. We turned back time, we became young again. Total recall and joyous experience... couldn't have asked for more.

Am no Concubine of yours ...

Am no flower that you can pluck ..
Am no vine you can hang from ...
Am no Concubine of yours ...
A slave for life ...
No Sir, not me.

Am no shadow to you anymore ...
For I follow my own path ...
You lost your chance ...
Long ago ...
I waited , but no more ...
Get a grip on your life ...
My life is not for you to live.

The flowers in my garden ...
Have long gone ..
An eerie wintry silence ...
Pervades all through ...
Do not use the shrillness of voice ...
For there is none to hear it here.

Am no Concubine of yours ..
That would wait upon you ...
Day after day.

Long gone are days ...
When I would lay eyes upon your steps...
No more red carpet treatment ...
For I respect you no more.

Am no Concubine of yours ...
That you turn to ...
For Time pass.

Rhythm of the Rain...

In the rhythm of the falling rain ...
I can hear your heartbeats...
In the pitter patter of the falling drops ...
I hear you call out to me.

I turn around ..
A wisp of cool breeze ...
Touches my skin and passes by...
I know...
It is your kiss...
Sent from across miles ...
of Land, air and water ...
You , the very beat of my heart ...
Skipping across oceans ...
Lakes and the sky...
My love ...
Pure, unintentional feelings ...
Yes, you the man in my life ...
You , the very symbol ...
Of unabashed love ...
You, the reason behind my smiles.

I feel the raindrops on my skin ...
Know well...
That it is you touching me ...
In your own way...
Kissing my naked soul ...
Through drops so cool.

I seal our love ...
I close my eyes ...
I feel one with you ...
Yes...
I can feel you around me...
I can...
For your love reaches me ...
Through the drops of rain...
The rhythm of the falling rain ...
Reminds me of your heaving chest ...
Your flesh ...
A memory so sweet...
Yes, I love you ...
Have always loved you.