Am I jinxed?

Am I jinxed?
Whatever...
Who so ever I love ... dies ...
I am better off alone ...
I can't bear to lose loved ones...
I need to go shut myself. ?.
In the blackhole I created...
My shell needs to be donned again.
I was so much better...
All alone ...
No pain ...
No emotions...
Just me ...
My zombie self...
The emptiness enveloping me ...
I am better off alone.

No more losses ...
No more pain ...
Just a dead woman walking ...
In my mourning ...I find solace ...
Jinxed as I am in love...
In matters of the heart...
I am better off alone.

In this aloneness ...I seek my death...
In this aloneness ...
I am fine...
In this aloneness...
Is my salvation.

Death shall become me...
Death is the only answer ...
How many more should I lose ...
To really realize it?

My jinx follows me ...
My fate tainted with death ...
I seek solace within ...
For the World ain't made for me.

The Others ...

Do they matter?
The others ...
She doesn't think so ...
What matters is the matter of his heart and hers ...
Why bother about what others have to say?
Why delve into nitty gritties of a leper society ?
Societal rules do not matter ...
Neither do people ...
For seldom have wagging tails been quiet ...
Silence is not the virtue of Gossip mongers.

The others ...
For them, why spoil your today ?
He says ... what if you were in my situation?
She has answer ..
I wouldn't be where you are ...
If you can't sustain a relation ...
Why begin it?
If you have fallen into the trap ...
Better play along ...
You can't play with someone's feelings ...
Walk away saying ...
I have responsibilities.
Where were these responsibilities ...
When you wooed her?
Now you remember your duties?
Where did the duty list disappear?
When you were courting her?
Don't wash your hands off her now ...
Not when she is already deep in love with you ...
Not when she is gasping for air ...
Not when she carries you in her thoughts day and night.

Had she been in his place ...
She would never give up on him ...
With conviction ...
She would own up her relation with him...
For she grew up ...
Never to back track ...
Never to give up ...
Never to step back...
She grew up defying stagnant rules of the others...
She grew up loving him.

The Others don't matter ...
They never did ..
It was always about Him and Her...
It was always about Them.

He has gone to the other room ...

Let go my love ...
Don't cry for him...
He wouldn't want you to ...
He wanted to see you strong ...
You carry forth his torch ...
He has just left the mortal life ...
He is in the other room watching ...
Let him go ...
No remorse ...
No pain will get him back ...
But following his preachings will...
He will live through your deeds ...
He will live in your thoughts...
He will live in you.

He is but the spirit in you ...
Do not let him down ...
He waits for you to let go ...
So he can soar high ...
The birds gliding in the sky ...
Amongst the clouds are with him ...
He watches over you as the moon ...
He smiles at you as a star ...
On starless nights ...
He is the breeze ..
That whizzes past you ...
He is with you my love ...
He is in you my love...
Look within ...
You shall find him there ...
Like all the elders from the past ...
That dwell in you memory.

Smile my love ...
For he is rid of his worldly aches and pain ...
Smile my love ...
For he left his legacy with you.

Think of him ...
And, move on ...
Let go ...
So he can go...
To the other room and find his peace there.

Her Reality...

He is her reality ...
A realization ...
Of who she is  ...
What she means to him ...
How she affects him ...
How he affects her...
How much he means to her...
How she waits each day for a message from him ...
To hear his voice...
How she yearns to meet him ...
He is her reality ...
Her ground reality.
She never asked God for another. ?
She always prayed for him...
Then and now ...
Her prayers answered ...
But, a big question mark remains...
Is she His reality too?
All her life she waited ...
Only for him...
She found him ...
But, a dilemma ...
Torn between right and wrong ....
Each day she lies awake...
Wondering what fate awaits them ...
For her, he is her reality ...
The only dream she ever had ...
Can she forego that reality?
Now that destiny brought them together...
She can't think of life without him...
What a fatal twist of fate ...
She has him, yet he isn't hers.

Her ground reality is his reality.

The power of love ...

She knows not what binds him to her...
Yet, he lingers on...
Like a shadow ...
The love from her past...
He stays put ...
Whatever she tries ...
To put him off ...
He doesn't budge ...
Believing her ...
Trusting her...
He doesn't walk away ...
He stays put.
The love from her past ...
He remains ...
Despite all her lamentations...
Her nagging...
Her cuss words ...
Choicest of abuses ....
He stays put ...
For he believes in her.
That is the power of love ...
Love in its purest form ...
Love of two souls ...
Conjoined somewhere deep within ...
A coitus made in heaven ...
A destiny ...
That had to be....
A love none can surpass.
A binding relationship...
At heart ...
One with each other ...
Not separate ...
They continue their love affair ...
Under the wraps ...
Wrapped in each others thoughts.
A love none can match ...
The power of love unimaginable...
They meet in their thoughts ...
One not separate from the other.

The power of love ...
Surpasses all boundaries ...
All barricades broken ...
Every moment cherished ...
Loving being there for one another.

The oneness shows ...
The power of love.

She still suffers her fate ...

So easy...
To say forgive and forget ...
When one is on the other side of the fence...
Watching only what can be seen...
She suffers her fate in silence ..
A smile creeping now and then...
Across her pale face ...
But, Is she over him ?
No, She suffers her forlorn fate...
Waiting for him to realize ...
She spake truth ...
He took it otherwise.

Just a few moments conversation ...
She became His ...
But, even in her truth ...
He forbade her His Love...
For He was looking at younger skin ...
She turned out otherwise.
She suffers her fate ...
Of loving Him ...
Who had no feelings ...
But, only otherwise thoughts ...
In her loneliness ...
She craves her Aloneness ...
She was happy in her Aloneness...
Loneliness has engulfed her.
She suffers her fate...
Waiting for realization ...
To dawn upon him...
Him , who stays far away ...
In a Land seven Seas apart...
She waits upon Him ...In her loneliness.

She still suffers her fate ... In her loneliness.

He is my Lover .... He is my Spiritual Guru ...

Universally known ...
For the World he is God...
For me ...
He is the World ...
My Lover , my Guru ...
When all else fails ...
I turn to him for advice....
He never lets me down...
He is there beside me ...
Loving me with benevolent eyes...
My Lover, My Spiritual Guru.

This World isn't enough ...
This lifetime isn't enough ...
Words aren't enough ...
To express the love ...
The passion I carry within for Him...
The Lord, Beholder of justice ...
Be my proof ...
Be my saviour...
He is my Lover, My Guru.

I cried a river...

I cried a river this evening ...
The tears welling up deep within ...
Filling the eyes and heart ...
The dam had to burst ...
It did ...
AND....
I cried a swollen rushing river ...
This evening ...
Feeling empty within ...
A shell with no lining ...
No depth within ...
Just an empty shell ...
Like a barren womb ...
Empty and echoing ...
An empty vessel resonating ....
The moanful cries ...
Of all tender heart hurt...
I  cried a river ...
Now all that remains ...
Is an emptiness...
Nothing but a broken heart.

I want to ... My Heart's Desire....

I want to want to wake up each morning in your arms, Legs entwined with yours , As one , My head rested on your chest, Waking up to your heartbeats, Heartbeats in which I hear you call me, No one called my name so sweetly , And with so much love ever. The same heart beats that sing a lullaby, And put me to sleep, Yes, I want to wake up hearing them. The last moment of my life, Should be gone in your arms, Listening to your heart, Asking me to stay longer. You asked me, How much I love you, I love you enough to, Go with your name on my lips, The last image , Just of you in my eyes. I want to wipe those lines of worry, From your face, Your tense muscles massaged, I want you to feel life again, To love and live again. I loved you, love you , And shall always love you, No matter what, For all I know of love is , It began with you, It shall end with your name, Writ large in my heart. Loving you is all I know... Loving you is my wish... I love you my Knight, My honour, My life....

My Heart's Desire ...

Just for you.

Meeting him ... Getting the old sparkle back

Seems like it was ...
Meeting him after ages ...
Just a few days here and there ..
But the emotions that welled up ..
They showed ...
Full and upfront ...
The rage ...
The tears ...
All worth a dekko of your loved one.

That meeting with hi ...
Short and sweet ,,,
He made my anger vanish ...
How does he do it?

Ah! The Salesman he is ...
He knows his way around...
The tricky grey matter of mine...
He manipulate me...
He knows how to make me smile ...
How to get the Sparkle back ...
My childhood sweetheart ...
The love of my life ...
A love that transcends all else ...
 A love so pure.

He has brought the sparkle back ...
Am shining in its glow ...
Loving him with all my heart ...
All cares to wind that blows.

The seed of His Love ...

In all Her propensity ...
She carries His Love within her ...
In her heart ...
In her womb ...
The seed of His Love ...
Growing within ...
She waits upon his return.

The winds of change have come and gone ...
Bygone days of what had been ...
Everywhere that eyes see ...
Greenery and joy ...
The harbinger of her joy ...
Her happiness, his smile ...
She waits upon him ...
With the seed of His Love.

He speaks volumes ...

He speaks volumes in his silence ...
A stoic stance he has taken.

He used to speak volumes ...
When excited about life ..
The songs he sang for her....
The music he played for her ears.

His eyes spake volumes ...
When they looked at her endearingly ...
Memories of ..
Those moments don't fade away ..
They return to haunt you.

His love transcended through ...
Three decades to reach her ...
How could she refuse ...
A soulful melody ...
Their love is beyond words ...
His love and passion for her ..
Writ large on his persona ...
Defies societal norms...
She gazes in those doe eyes ...
And, sees her final resting place.

Their love ...
His Love ..
Her Love ....
Speaks volumes about what true love is all about.

Sacrifice!!!

She meets him in her dreams ... The Gentle Giant

The abominable Giant ...
The gentle Giant ...
The feared one ...
Only She could tackle him ...
She met him never ...
Yet  his Hearts strings ...
Were in her hands ...
She loved him none the less...
He loved her in return ...
They met when the World slept ...
They had heir share of fun ...
Talking for hours together ...
In their innocent love ...
Lay the key to their happiness.


What happened ...
They know not ...
But , One fine day ...
They lay separated ...
Languishing in the jail ...
Of their own meandering thoughts.

They suffered a fate unknown ...
Agony and pain ...
Replaced ecstasy...
They were lost ...
Yet in dreams ...
She makes it a point ...
To meet him each night ...
She hardly sleeps ...
But makes it a point to shut her eyes ...

Just to visit him.

No big deal ...

Loving him was no big deal...
It was slated to be...
They were destined to meet once again ...
Just to know what was amiss.

Once they met ...
The floodgates of emotions opened ...
Welled up in walls  ...
They found an outlet to flow....
She was lost in the flow...
He was lost too ...
Immersed in their love ...
Oblivious of all ...
When one fine day ...
A lightning bolt struck them ...
They  were separated once again.

Whether they meet or not .
ONLY DESTINY KNOWS...
For they loved truly ...
And more...
For loving each other ...
Was no big deal ...
They were born to love each other anyways.

I lost myself ...

I lost myself ...
Loving him once again.

In loving him ...
I became obsessed with his obsession.

I was immersed in his love ...
All over again ...
Someone who was ..
Just a distant thought ...
Became too close for comfort...
I disappeared in his eyes ..
Melted in those pots of love ..
Moulded into his being ...
Became one with him.

I love him ...
I can't fathom life without him...
But, why do I shy away from his presence?
Lest I blurt out my feelings...
Not withholding the passion.

Am lost in his thoughts ...Day and night ...
I have only him in my mind ...
He is all over ...
Written in the passion ....
That oozes from within.

My love ...
My lost love ...
My love isn't love for you...
It rages within ...
Burning me in all its glory ...
Gay, abandon its forte'...
You ... Its destiny.

His voice...

Heard his voice yesterday...
His voice...
Makes me go weak in the knees..
I lose myself ...
The echo ringing in my head.
It took a while to stabilize...
Gosh !
The man knows his cards well ...
And, plays them well.
His eyes quite clear and sharp ...
In my memory now...
I wait to catch a glimpse of him...
Just so I can feel nice.

Having loved him ...
I find none so worthy....
None can repkace him...
My soul , am his shadow.

I spotted him ...

Yesterday ... just another day ...
I saw him ...
Walking the footpaths of our common alley...
With his little one throwing a tantrum in his arms....
I saw him with a frowning brow...
Sadness in his eyes ...
A ritual perhaps ...
Chores he does ...
I felt a pang of pity ...
Enveloping my emotional mind ...
My heart skipped a beat ...
I wanted to turn my eyes away ...
I couldn't ...
My heart went out to him....
My eyes wept for him.
I tossed and turned in my bed last night ...
Feeling sad for him ...
No, I can't let emotions take over me ...
I have let go ...
I can't turn around...
He has become a stranger to me ...
I can't ...
There is nothing to go back to...
He has his miseries to deal with ...
I can't help him in that...
He has to fight his demons on his own ....
I could have  been his shadow ...
But, not anymore.

I saw him ...

The Devil's Advocate & His Innocence ...

What binds me to him?
His Innocence.

He remembers still ...
Not knowing, I haven't forgotten either.

He laments my actions ...
Not knowing, they are just farce.

She still waits for the phone to ring in the night ...
To hear his soulful laughter ...
To hear him call her "Babyyy" ...
The cow in the background ...
The lady on the terrace ...
The innumerable calls on his other phone ...
Him telling his Mom...
I am home.

His drunken stupor ...
Remembering her ...
Sitting by the roadside tea stall ...
Talking to her for hours.

His Innocence is what she craves for ...
His boyish face in her eyes ...
The image shattering all myths ...
The Emperor of her Heart ...
The Devil's Advocate ...
Who swooped her off her feet ...
The one who was beside her ...
When she was really down and out ...
Lonely in surgical attire ...
He was there the whole night talking to her.

She never could walk away ...
She just hid behind a veil ...
She covered her emotions ...
Steeled herself ...
Knowing he was hurt....
She kept in the shadows ...
She tried ...
Level best to never visit him ...
But, matters of the heart...
She lost to her Heart,..
She lost the battle with the Devil's Advocate.

She doesn't miss him ...

She is done with his hostrionics ...
She is done with his drama ....
She doesn't need him ...
She has his essence within her ...
Enough for her to live ...
With his memories forever.

He won't be there ...
But his shadow will tag along ...
Just like she was his shadow ...
Only this time ...
She will have him forever ...
In what he gifted her that night.

She can feel him grow within her ...
Unconditional love sweeping her being ...
She is one with nature ...
Whispering sweet nothings to her unborn.

She won't ever miss him ...
She is thankful ...
He gave her a gift ...
A gift of life just hers.

A custom made gift ...
A tailor made bounty ...
A basket of happiness ...
A bounty of joy...
She waits for the Stork to visit ...
With her bundle of love.

She knows the journey will be lonesome...
But with her baby in her arms ...
She is ready to take on the World.

She doesn't miss him ...
She loves him more ...
For what he gave her ...
Was a second chance ...
To be a mother again.

He She Story... 28 years later...

A lot has been said and written about the love story of 28 years ago ... Not a word of what happened after 28 years ago...

The bestiality of an affair gone sour due to the selfish motives of a lover whose libido was just too high for him to control and then eventually how he conned the innocence of yesteryears for just his lust and lust alone hurting the one person who truly loved him in the process and making her a ghost of her gloripus past.

The He She Story ... catches the journey of those few days when innocence of pure love turned into lusty fiery passion unleashing the trapped libido of a selfish Salesman. Libido is the word He coined for his lust and selfish motives.

She loved him then, She loved him all through... She remembered him all these years and He asked her... How much do you love me? Why didn't you wait for me? Why didn't you seek me out? All She said was.... What was a 16 year old supposed to do if her family moves away from the place ? What can She do, if life churns a dufferent story for her each day? She waited but He never came looking for her ... She had to take a decision ... If He really love dher , He would have sought her out or waited for her. He went ahead and himself got married for the status of the  family of the girl whose proposal came to him... He sticks on in a loveless marriage for his wife's family's status not for her ... and noe, for the children he has sired with her. How can He talk of love when all along He was the one who went after status and money for all the selfish reasons known to him.

He meets Her and speaks of his undying love for her. Six years they lived in the same neighbourhood hut never did he seek her out... and He talks of love. She knew who He was, She knew where He resided but She never crossed her line for She knew He was married. She believes in the  sanctity of marriage and its vows.

He pursued her for his own vested interest ... used her to get favours of waiving off financial burden of education of his kids so that his pocket would remain warm... She did it for Him, for past relation and pure love. But, that didn't stop the beast in him and finally , He mauled Her ... He caught her in his snare and ravaged her for his libido and left her languishing after he had was satisfied ... saying my kid sleeps with me , I need to go home ... She was left bereft of her vanity and shame. SHE was shattered ... used and thrown ... Her self esteem an all time zero ... She laments each moment spent in that bestial encounter ... and He enjoys his King size bed with his status quo partner.

He enjoys his time now ... satisfied and searching for a new victim ... She lives with no feelings left and vacant and eyes  devoid of tears now. The He She story gone awry  because He is a beast on prowl and She a victim of the beast unleashed.

The unborn ...

His unborn ...
A seed within her ...
She waits for his response ...
He is absconding ...
The unborn within her a question mark.

Is he a coward?
Shirking from his responsibility ..
Is that what he is all about?
A travelling salesman...
Leaving his mark behind...
Is that what he does?
To satisfy his male alter ego ...
Using friends ...
Using emotions.

The unborn wants an answer ...
The womb is speechless...
She has no words to describe her pain ..
All white and pale from worry...
Unable to decide what to do ...
She has locked  herself within ...
A shell so strong ...
Impenetrable ...
She languishes in her melancholy miseries.

The future of the unborn , undecided ..