Your thoughts don't leave me alone....

How much ever I try to forget you,  am not left alone by thoughts of you. They just crop up out of nowhere bothering my peace of mind. You just pop out of some window in my grey cells and nag my thoughts. I was thoroughly harassed today by your thoughts and the same was evident to all and sundry.

I just couldn't concentrate on any given task and kept fidgeting around with an annoyed look on my face. The entire day was spent looking at the office entrance door lest you walk in and surprise me. On my way back home again the same scene was repeated in the hope that you may be standing out waiting for me to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to a far far place whispering sweet nothings in my ears. The same look of hope shone in my eyes at the bus stop lest you were there waiting for me. But, Alas! you weren't there. I was disappointed. I waited for you to call, you didn't call. I waited upon you the whole day in the hope that you would call, you would try to contact me but you didn't. What a nerdy fool have I been?

Ultimately, I mustered the courage and called you killing my ego, squashing my pride. Damn you ! You are my weakness and am totally enamoured by your power to attract me all the time. I am lost.... I guess truly lost to the rest of the world coz you have found me.

Never felt such an impact on my being. You confound me and my beliefs. You make me break my own rules and regulations. You make me smile and for that one thought I can do anything for you.

Your thoughts don't leave me alone..... It is as if you are with me all the time. Am completely smittened by your persona. You seem to be the missing link in my pathway to heavenly bliss. Your touch leaves me with goosebumps on my flesh, thoughts of you touching me leave me speechless and completely in awe of your magnetic being.

I will leave you and go........

I will leave you and go....... your apprehension or so called fear is not unfounded..... but then isn't that what we all fear.... that someone will leave us and go away.

Yes, I will leave you and go.... we all have to go....far far away, to a land not known ... a place unseen ....
a place which is said to be the final resting place for all mankind.

I have those fears too. But, for me it is based on your actions.. Actions so childish that it makes me wonder whether I made the right choice. But, when did I get to choose? It just happened. right? Out of the blue suddenly you appear out of nowhere in my life and sweep me off my feet into the misty clouds. What am I to feel about the whole "affair"? And  then suddenly reality dawns upon me. Is it right? This relationship is going nowhere. And, then you blurt out, I will leave you and go....

I too have those apprehensions. You might leave me for a pretty young thing, You might leave me for better looking prospects. You might just use me and go away. I would be left behind twiddling my thumb and bawling my hearts content out on some shoulder. Yikes, our fears feed on our negative thoughts and become a monster that breaks the relationship.

If it is so, then it is best to part ways while all is still under control and nothing serious has really transpired between us. I don't want to lose my self esteem trying to please you.... So that one fine day you decide that you think that I might leave you and go. If that's what stops you from expressing your emotions then I need to do a reality check and control the damage done so far. Why meet me and have those precious moments that nag me all the time reminding me of the time I spent with you?

When I do something, I do it with conviction. I don't hide behind tinted car windows. I put my career on the guillotine with my foot in mouth proclamation , I fear no one or anything because I have loved and lost before. And, for me relations means more than money and career and false social values.

It's you who has to look within himself and find his true calling. Don't put the blame on someone else, look within . Are you convinced of your own commitment? You don't know what you want and hence, you don't say anything. But, please in the process of the so called affair don't lead the other person on. Don't ruin someone else's life in trying to find your own self.

I won't call you. I won't bother you. Find yourself and get on with your life.

Elvis has left the building........................

What is happening?..... I dunno.........

Well, am not sure this is what I wanna confess at this moment... but what to do ... this is the state of my mind at this particular moment, whereby am unable to discern between the good and the bad... what's really the truth? Or, is it just some prank being played by a spoilt brat.

I don't want you to get turned off by the last statement, but am so unsure of what's going on in your mind. Your actions say something else but your silence kills me. I need a concrete answer... no twisting and turning, no counter questioning... just a ubiquitous answer.... what is it that you seek in my company? Ah, silly! Not the company I work for but me, myself, Radhika.

Finding time to be with me, just being there no matter what, virtual or physically.... giving me the attention I seek.... yet so non committal. I ain't asking for a commitment, I seek fulfillment .... a sense of knowing that someone truly loves me for who I am and not what I am.

I dunno why I am writing this stuff. It's like begging you to say something you don't wanna say. Aaaargghhh.... why am I so utterly human? Why am I a woman? Why oh why? Yaar, am so hung up on this sweet feeling called love, that I have lost all sense of time and my sensibility. Why am I so explicitly expressive where my silly emotions are concerned? Why am I always falling in love and here it means literally falling in love... and always with the wrong guys. wrong guys doesn't mean bad guys but there are other criteria applied to them with regards to age and level of maturity.

Can't complain... no cribs, no nagging myself... we make the choices we  make and we need to suffer the consequences. Now, don't hold that against me and say I will remember this. Come on, gimme a break, this is the state of my mind, whether upset or not depends on the situation. This time my judgement is clouded, shrouded by the mystery of your unyielding emotions and shielded by that smiling eyes of yours.

What is happening? I dunno.... All I know at this moment is that you are there besides me and I like being with you, I feel nice, warm and secure in your company.... but you give me no reason to not blog what I feel as you don't reveal your dark secrets or what is it that is holding you back.

What is happening? I dunno...... all I know is I love you... and I don't mince my words... I am pretty expressive.... just the opposite of you and I am impatient and my patience is running out. Gimme a reply.

Blogging my life away.....

Tonight, I blog my life away.... my life, my times, my whims and fancies,my aspirations and all that entails being me.

I just want to forget who I am and start afresh. A new life, a new perspective, a new take on all that matters.
I need to change my views, maybe become one of the many that lead a non existent existence on the face of Earth. The millions that come and wither away without being noticed and without making an impact. Just one of the many ......

Why this state of mind? Well, there are some questions for which there are no answers and I guess this is one of those abominable questions for which I have no answer. I want to lose my identity, melt into the oblivion and just fade away one fine day over a period of time, living the life of a recluse.

But, a big BUT.... my responsibilities are the handcuffs that hold me cuffed to the pole called life. Am not free yet..... Yet I want to fly, want to soar....for once live for myself.....am overwhelmed by the notion that I am a free spirit in bondage.. a bondage created by the society we live in.....where you are watched, where every move you make is noticed and noted and buzzed around, where there is no space of your own , you become a vehicle of deliverance.... with no end in sight to your plight for flight.

In such a situation what do I do.... I just blog my life away... I blog my feelings away.... I just blog the emotions that well up within me.....that's what I am doing.....

Blogging my life away..................

A moment to remember..........

Beautiful moments spent in your company..... come back flooding my eyes with dreams of more to come.
The moments melting into the beautiful ambiance of the nature around.....
All the forces of nature coming in conjunction together to make the moment a tumultuous passionate one.
A moment to remember..........

Moments .... brief moments spent with you... ...in your company..... each a unique moment.......
Will remember each moment...... memories of snippet moments caught up with you in your arms....
Moments that only time can make permanent or temporary....
But, at this moment, the recall is enough to keep me warm in the knowledge that those were golden moments....
The only feeling overwhelming me at this moment is an overriding feeling of intense love.....
Whether it is true or not... but for now, it will do... to keep me smiling.

The dripping droplets of rain on my window pane remind me of you and the time spent with you and at this moment it is all that matters...
A moment to remember...... always....

A day to remember.....

Yeah, Saturday 23rd July 2011, met Satya my childhood friend after 25 years.... Whoa! What a feeling!! A`nd, am I happy...... very happy to meet her , bond with her and we have grown fonder..... that's what matters. Met her wonderful and supportive husband Manoj, beautiful and smart kids Jai and Sania.

It is a day I shall remember always. We went shopping, did impromptu photoshoots... we were like two bubbly and giggling school girls and then we went to Satya's clinic where she practices medicine. Wow, and come to think of it, she stays right next door to my place of work. What a revelation! We always knew, but I never took the initiative to venture out of office to look for her.

Leave aside the woes. Am glad we met. Am happy and joyous that my family of friends has expanded. A bond firmed by the ravages of time,` where we come to realise the worth of good friends always. We all have gone through our trials and tribulations and finally found each other again.
 In fact, when I was watching Zindagi na milegi dobaara..... I realised really you won't get this life again, why not live it loving it and cherishing every moment with our loved ones.

Driftwood.......

Yup, seasoned wood.... old wood.... priced for it's quality..... Driftwood.....Am I one?

Yes, I guess I am. My current status is that of a driftwood.... a rolling stone that gathers no moss, yet gives a bit of herself... and the edges smoothen out and she reduces in size with each passing tide... Till she is left no more and totally spent.... that's how deserts are made over a period of time.

I am  a desert in the making.... a once fertile and thriving land.... on the brink of becoming bare and barren.
A once green tree.... a branch... fallen from the main trunk and drifting in water and the tide of the ocean and getting stuck somewhere on the banks or beaches as a gnarled self of her former beauty and hey days.... dry drifting wood found by the riverside, found by the bayside.... dry ugly wood.

Am angry...... angry at myself..... why do I do this to myself? Why do I derogate  myself and my self esteem after a high `of a beautiful moment? Why can't I just adjust my sails and surge ahead? ~Why  do I let my past pull me down always? Why do I drift into a melancholy mood and spoil it all for myself and others?

I have no answers to the rantings of my minds. It is always asking questions to which there are no answers. Answers which I need to find out for myself before beginning anything .... before embarking on a new journey. But, a state of mind that I always keep on the backburner and forget all about till I stumble yet again and cry all over again over spilt milk

I guess, I really am a driftwood.... that has no direction or permanent abode... it just moves on till it gets stuck somewhere and rests there all alone for the rest of its life.

All this makes no sense....

It really makes no sense.....
The  turn of events in the past couple of days, makes me wonder.... where am I headed?
I am just drifting along with the tide of events.... the way the wind goes my boat takes that direction..... Am taking decisions at the spur of the moment not visualizing or thinking of the consequences.

The pros and cons of my action are triggering a massive breakdown of my mental faculty. There seems to be no pros just cons........ lotsa cons........ Whoa! Everything s happening at breakneck speed........am reaching my threshold level...can't take the pressure all alone.......need to take some stern disciplinary action against my wandering mind.

All this makes no sense at all.... am totally cut off from the main contemporary protagonist in this whole drama.... what am I do? Am I to take the decision all alone?

Damn! Why is everything so societal? Why do we have to take a nod of approval from the society for our actions? Why?

Am in a state of profound dilemma and that is making matters worse as it is affecting every action of mine.
 There seems to be no solution but practice self discipline and totally severe all ties with the rest of the society........ Leave all my pleasures to my imagination and walk alone once again.. there is heavenly bliss in that state despite loneliness......at least I don't lose sleep over trivial matters then.

Am better off alone....... can't lose my sleep over situations and people that are not under my control.......Yeah, I guess am a control freak. I need to regain control of my empire..,,,. which is my peace of mind.

Nothing makes sense anymore..... senseless sensibilities... mindless wanderings..... musings of an UNJUST LADY.... Unjust to herself.