You love only once in your lifetime...

Love is a feeling that cannot be expressed to everyone always. You love only once in your lifetime. If it is requited, well and good else you pine for the same love over and over again and try to seek it in others. They are like the ocean waves , they come ashore batter your sandcastles and move away. You are left behind, a vast expanse of sand all flattened out.

The love that I speak of is desired by all but very few are bestowed the honour to carry it forth. It's not easy. It's path is strewn with broken shards of glass and thorns. You have to have the courage and conviction to carry the ambers of a smoldering fire in your heart, move on yet hope that one day you can quench your thirst with your first love coming back in your life.

The love that I point at is not located geologically on any map. It is mapped in hearts that are innocent. Hearts that mean no harm to anybody. Hearts that sacrifice all for their beloved. Hearts that smolder in the cauldron of fire that separates them. Hearts torn apart by desires yet remaining unquenched coz they were unable to meet. There comes a meeting point ultimately some day and all feelings pour out. Sometimes, you never meet and just while away your life in another loveless relationship, a namesake relation for the world to see. Sometimes you just break free from that bondage waiting for your lost one to seek you out. If you are lucky and prayed hard enough, your lost one comes home.... else you wither away into the oblivion all alone and melancholy in the hope that some day he would realize and turn the world upside down to discover you waiting for him.... to unearth the pure feelings silently waiting for you to uncover them.

The essence of that first love remains forever, a perfume that never fails to remind you of the sweet fragrance of yesteryears and the togetherness of those times. It's like the musk of the musk deer that remains with it throughout its lifetime. The sweetness wafting through every pore of your being when you remember those days... nothing can match that priceless moment.

You love only once in your lifetime, so love truly. Don't dilly dally and waste your time away in short dalliances. People come and go, that one remains in heart and soul for eternity. Let not your love fail, let it be remembered by generations to come.... pure eternal love that crossed all barriers, yet remained steadfast in it's belief that one day he would return.

When I lost you, I cried, I became numb, I was angry, I didn't know what to do....yet each day even in someone else' arms, I prayed and hoped to meet you. My morning began with a sweet greeting to you then and still does... and my night ended with your thoughts, wondering where you were and wishing you happiness always. Along life's journey, I saw glimpses of you and heard about you. I was saddened at the way events turned out for you, I wanted to reach out and console you, yet couldn't. I was tied down by my worldly responsibilities and a loveless marriage, I wanted to break free but there was nowhere to go. One day, I fell into a deep abyss and was unable to surface for a long time. I was given up for dead, for sure, I had died a thousand deaths by then. I resurrected my life, rose as the Phoenix from my ashes and made a life for myself and my flock.

The sheep is waiting for the Shepherd.... come home to the lambs. Come home, O' lost one. Come home, O' wanderer. Use your compass to tread home steadily O' sailor. Set sail to the land where we await you. Your mermaid climbs the rock on the shore and looks out for you everyday dawn and dusk. Come hitherto to your damsel, come home O' Prince.

You love only once in your lifetime, keep your faith... I kept mine and am not disappointed. There is a long wait but the fruit at the end is sweet. The journey is long but you CAN reach your destination.. Ask me.... I can vouch for that.

I have loved once and for a lifetime..... I have loved you.

Why do I write?.... Once again

Why do I write?

I write for self satisfaction.I write to feel good. I write to take it all out. I write so that there is a semblance in my thoughts. I write for 'Catharsis'. Just wanna take it all out, empty the vessel and feel light. To remove the heaviness caused by the dull and dreary life I lead. I write to run away from my loneliness.

When I write, I am not alone, I am deeply immersed in my thoughts. There are people there who talk to me, there are instances where I am engrossed in a conversation with the supreme being too. It's like someone up there wants me to write, to express myself and be happy about it.

Penning my thoughts used to give me a pleasure I have not known for many years when the pen broke and I dreaded expressing myself. I stopped writing. I destroyed all my previous work of art and poetry in a frustrating rage. I regret it. But, now I write here in a blog... coz I know even if I want to, I cannot erase it. It shall remain always somewhere and can never be deleted.

I write so that he can understand the gamut of emotions I go through. I write so that he can comprehend the difficult person that I am. I write so that he can feel what I feel. I write so that he knows I am but human and can err too. I write for him so that tomorrow he cannot say that I never told him. I write so that he can understand me as a complex, emotional and sentimental fool.

I write to uplift both our moods. I know somewhere deep down he hurts from his past experiences. I write to assure him, I am there. I won't leave him now, try as much as he wants to, I am going to be there always. I write to make him feel secure in the knowledge that somewhere in this big bad world there's a woman waiting for him to take her in his strong arms and love him unconditionally irrespective of what anybody says.

I write to let him know, that this love... his and mine is here to stay and we shall never be parted again. I write for him and him alone.

Damn this wait.....

Waiting upon his Royal Highness to wake up and wish me each morning has become a habit... an addiction and the day his Royal Highness is late in his greetings am a bag of nervous wreck. I go crazy waiting upon him to appear in my text messages and online. This is killing me. How can a mere human being make me go absolutely smitten about his persona?

It makes no sense waiting upon a person in your twilight zone like a lusty twenty year old. There comes a time when you ought to act your age, but I am behaving like a lovelorn infatuated teenager. In retrospect, am ashamed of my actions. I feel so helpless in front of my strong emotions for this one person. Life throws some lime and lemons at you sometime or other, I guess this is that time in my life.

Am tired of waiting, but wait I have to. There is no option, is there? It's a long wait and wait I have to. The wait is a sweet pain amalgamating when two lovers meet, when they meet, if they meet. Why am I sounding so morose, so dejected.... I need to keep my spirits high. I have to remain motivated.

There is so much to do, yet so little time. There is a lot to be explained and a lot to be proved. Only time can tell, what direction we are moving in. Time is such a leveler of emotions and acts. I wonder, if time has time to wait for us.

Damn this wait.... But, wait we shall. Patiently wait for our time to come, if and when it does arrive. Hope that all will be fine and there shall be celebrations, joyous moments in our life together forever. Nothing is static. Everything is in constant motion, so is time. Let this wheel throw up our life together in holy matrimony and happiness in near future. let there be fireworks and painted and decorated elephants, horses and camels. Let there be brocade and jewels. Let there be the sacred fire and chants. Let there be blessings and blessings galore.

Wait we shall... as before.

I am the stuff....

I am the stuff that gossip columns are made of

I am the stuff that makes the world spin on its axis

I am the stuff that men look forward to

I am the stuff babies get hooked onto

I am the stuff that makes everything enjoyable

I am the stuff that makes print readable

I am the stuff writers base their stories on

I am the stuff that poets spin their webs on

I am love .... The stuff that is the pure essence of beauty and nature

I am life .... One you cannot live without

I am strife..... That tears the world apart

I am grief ... That makes you shed tears

I am grapevine .... That does the round of loudmouths

I am pure ecstasy .... One that only true lovers feel

I am ME, myself, ........ a name the world gave me

I am truth that cannot be hidden

I am a voice that cannot be stifled

I am ME, myself ...... a name to reckon with

I am the stuff, that makes you tough

I am the stuff that makes you cry

I am the love that you seek

I am the life that you wanna live

I am ME, myself.

You are an enigma.........

The more I try to steel myself from getting closer to you, the more am attracted to you and fall straight into your lair.

You are an enigma, rubbing onto me and making me lose my senses and reasoning power. How much ever I try to avoid doing things your way, I still end up doing them the way you expect me to.

I don't want bondage, but am bonding with you and that leaves no scope for freedom. My independence is what I cherish the most and I don't want to lose it. You make me go weak in my knees and I become helpless and like a puppy dog end up following your instructions.

You are an enigma, that's eating into my identity. I am losing myself, my space and my individuality. What will I end up being? No, I don't want to repeat past mistakes, I cannot bow down to your diktats. Gimme freedom, not chains. An eternal dilemma, a battle in my mind constantly.

I will have to change, I will have to take a full 360 degrees turn to mould myself to suit the ideal image you have in mind. Can I do that? Can I take that risk? I will have to melt and become the statue that you desire. I will have to disappear to emerge as the moth that the flame wants near it. What's the fate of the moth, when it nears the flame? It is reduced to a heap of burnt flesh. Is that what I really want?

But, Isn't love all about sacrifice? Isn't love all about merging into your loved one, to become one with him? If it is, am glad.... I am in love and yes, despite all the above apprehensions am ready to take the plunge. I want to be with you. I want to follow you to eternal bliss and happiness. I want to lose my identity to take yours. I want to lose myself to find you. Yes, I want to do all that and much more to make you happy, to bring joy in your life, to see you smiling. Coz, when you smile, I see myself in those crinkly eyes... I smile too.

Let aside, aspirations and ambitions... I belong to you and am willing to relinquish all the titles to attain yours.

You are an enigma and I am a part of you. You are an artist and I am your muse.

I confess... am...

I confess... am madly and hopelessly in love with a maverick. This mad hatter is truly a romantic at heart and gets my pulse racing at the very mention of his name or thought.

I wish I could high five and shout out and proclaim my love publicly...... Alas! I can't... Am bound by my limitations. But I confess am truly in love and second time round with the same person.

My day begins with his message and voice and ends with his sweet nothings whispered in my ears over the phone. What more can a gal ask for but a man madly in love with her. Am honoured and overjoyed with the happiness am surrounded with. Everything seems bright and beautiful. Touchwood!

He is simple yet sophisticated. He has an aura of regal and royal elegance. He is aristocratic in his persona. My Knight in Shining Armour. Love him a lot. There's nothing more I wish for but for him to whisk me away. He has already swept me off my feet. Am floating in a dreamworld, let me never awaken from this dream.

Ah, Love can be so wonderful yet so heart wrenching. It makes you pine for your lover. It makes you yearn to be in his strong arms. Love .... eternal love, ethereal love.... something very few are able to receive and enjoy.

I confess, am soaked in his love. I ask for nothing more than his love. Am keeping my fingers crossed, lest an evil eye cast its spell on my love. I belonged to him then, I belong to him now... this chasm of distance keeps us apart but not for long. The day we meet, I know the heavens will open up. There will be a downpour and all pain of yesteryears will be washed away in the flash floods. I know, a new hope springs and all will be fine and peaceful.

I confess..... am waiting for my first kiss from my Prince.... blissful warmth of souls entwined in a warm embrace is what I am looking forth to. I confess, I have my dreams all set to make them come true with my loved one beside me, holding my hand and both of us walking into the sunset holding hands. What a sight it would be for eons to remember by our future and the world to talk about.

I confess, am waiting to flaunt my love and waiting to declare my love for you, my love. I love you.

Zero Error Syndrome...

Yup... I suffer from ZES.... Zero Error Syndrome.

Everything has to be perfect. Everyone has to be perfect. Every situation has to be perfect.

An ideal life is what I seek.... but it's hard to come by.

No one is perfect. I ain't perfect too. My imperfection reflects in my anger and obsessive compulsive disorder. But, I expect everything to be in order. Things to happen in clockwork precision. People to be civil and follow discipline. Expectations.... too many of them and yet not a single one can be fulfilled.

This ZES thingy is making me go bonkers...not that I ain't crazy but yet it's alienated me from people in the past and now threatens to raise it's ugly head in the relationship I am in. How do I deal with my demons and penchant for everything being clean be it my home, my life or our relationship?

How do I deal with my zeal for perfection? What a dilemma? There are times when I just want to scream and say Lemme be.... lemme be imperfect. Let me be human. Let me live life. Let me just flow. Let me be just me....Period...full stop.

Let this disease not torture me more..... let it pass on. I wanna enjoy life rather than crib about everything in it. Let me be thankful for all the small mercies of life. Let me just tide over things and stop mulling over the nitty gritties in everything I do. Let me just let go of my expectations.

I want freedom from.........Zero Error Syndrome.....Aaarggh

Why do I blog...

Good question.... Why do I blog?

I blog, coz I wanna write what's in my mind. I wanna write what's in my thoughts. I wanna write what I feel. I wanna write coz he wants me to write. I wanna write coz he looks forward to reading my blogs, my thoughts, my feelings. He wants to know me better. He wants to understand me and the mechanism of my mind.

It's not hard to fathom that he loves me and wants to know me inside out. Why? So that he would know how to deal with me in any situation, knowing my volatile nature. So that he can handle my mood swings.... knowing fully well how I get bogged down by physical limitations. So that he can understand why I behave in a certain way at times. So that he can empathize with me when I am down and out and really hurting.

I write for him. So that he knows that every moment he is in my thoughts. He is the driving force that keeps me on my toes striving to do better and better so that he can be proud of me. I write not for everyone, But for him.... My soul mate. I write for the man in my life. I write so that he can understand me and comprehend my feelings and thoughts. I write so that he knows I am there.

I blog for him and him alone.