So much...

There is so much time,

There is so much to do,

There is so much in my mind,

Yet I dilly dally and while my time away.

There is so little to fritter about,

There is so little to worry,

There is so little that blocks my way,

Yet I worry my life away.

The best things in life are yet to come,

Still I do not wait for them.

I have lost the inclination to aspire,

I have lost the touch.

What is it that bothers me?

What is it that unsettles me?

What is it that really matters?

What is it?

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.... always bogging me down.

So much pulling me away from my purpose.

So much for all that I did in life.

So much for all the sacrifices.

So much for all the love I gave.

So much for the treachery I faced.

So much for selfless service to mankind.

So much for forgetting my strife.

So much for giving you a life.

So much for your perspectives.

So much for your inner demons.

So much for your insecurities.

So much for your spineless being.

So much for your character assassination.

So much for your obsession.

So much for your flamboyance.

So much for your negativities.

So much for your non action.

So much for the distance that separated us.

So much for the time you never had.

So much and much much more............

Time to change....

Hmmm.....

It's time to change the sheet,

It's time to change the towel,

It's time to change the crockery,

It's time to change the cutlery.

It's time to change the dress,

It's time to change the design,

It's time to change the make up,

It's time to change the shade.

It's time to change the decor,

It's time to change the furniture,

It's time to change the curtains,

It's time to change the upholstery.

It's time to change my mindset,

It's time to change my outlook,

It's time to change the mask I wear,

It's time to change my name.

It's time to change for spring is here,

It's time to change coz autumn has gone,

It's time to change for new leaves have sprung,

It's time to change for the old is long gone,

It's time to change as I am no longer forlorn.

It's time to change as hope has been reinstated,

It's time to change as I have been given a second chance,

It's time to change so that he can be happy,

It's time to change for him and him alone.

Bowled over...

I am completely bowled over by his simplicity and yet suave personality.

I am totally in awe of his indomitable spirit and his never say die attitude.

I am absolutely smitten by his looks and the way he looks at me.

I am sure about our love.... it has stood the test of time.

I am taken over by this intense feeling of love for him, he surely deserves unconditional love and affection.

I am having the feeling to mother him and smother him with love.

I am intensely in love with him and his love for me.

I want to nurture him, caress him.

I want to be there for him always.

I am bowled over by his ability to make me laugh and smile when I am down and out.

I am waiting to die in his arms.

I am waiting to be one with him.

I am waiting for him.

The way I look at it...

The way I look at it, life sucks at times yet at times it's beautiful.

I had my share of ups and downs and I know there will be more. There's more yet to come. But, then who doesn't have it? Am not an isolated case of F***** up life.

Yeah, I guess am in a real bad mood today. For all the decisions I have taken that have really messed up my life recently. Just one decisive role has been good, the rest all totally a disaster. I dunno, if this one major decision is good too in the long run. I am having my doubts... coz I have never known happiness to stay with me. It runs miles away from me leaving me huffing and panting trying to chase it.

I need to see that ray of hope that says yes I was right. Now I have doubts about myself. Am not sure of what I am doing and why. Everything seems so ambiguous. Am totally fagged out and need to rejuvenate despite the sabbatical I am in.

There's a block... A mental block. I am shunning people left, right and centre. Have become a total recluse. What Am I propelling myself towards? I have no idea. Am just drifting and being tossed around by the waves around me. Am oblivious of the course of action to take in this situation.

I didn't comprehend the lies of one person could bring about this drastic change in me. What have I become? A selfish monster? Or a tragedy queen wallowing in her grief? Or a confused lover once again?

Aspersions and apprehension are killing my soul. Am becoming a sorry picture of my sparkling self. Days when I glowed and was confident. Now, am always worrying and fretting over nothing.

Why this insecurity? Why this enormous headache? No answer to those questions. I have become a question myself. My whole being twisted and contorted each moment, tormented by thoughts of negativity. What have I become?

The way I look at it now, am reduced to a dime of my self worth.

The way I look at it, I am a lost case.

The way I look at it, am a rudderless boat.

The way I look at it, am wasting my life away.

The way I look at it, I need a fresh lease of life.

The way I look at it, I need to unwind and rethink.

The way I look at it, I need a respite from everything .... I need to be left alone .. I need my space. After all, It's all about me.

You love only once in your lifetime...

Love is a feeling that cannot be expressed to everyone always. You love only once in your lifetime. If it is requited, well and good else you pine for the same love over and over again and try to seek it in others. They are like the ocean waves , they come ashore batter your sandcastles and move away. You are left behind, a vast expanse of sand all flattened out.

The love that I speak of is desired by all but very few are bestowed the honour to carry it forth. It's not easy. It's path is strewn with broken shards of glass and thorns. You have to have the courage and conviction to carry the ambers of a smoldering fire in your heart, move on yet hope that one day you can quench your thirst with your first love coming back in your life.

The love that I point at is not located geologically on any map. It is mapped in hearts that are innocent. Hearts that mean no harm to anybody. Hearts that sacrifice all for their beloved. Hearts that smolder in the cauldron of fire that separates them. Hearts torn apart by desires yet remaining unquenched coz they were unable to meet. There comes a meeting point ultimately some day and all feelings pour out. Sometimes, you never meet and just while away your life in another loveless relationship, a namesake relation for the world to see. Sometimes you just break free from that bondage waiting for your lost one to seek you out. If you are lucky and prayed hard enough, your lost one comes home.... else you wither away into the oblivion all alone and melancholy in the hope that some day he would realize and turn the world upside down to discover you waiting for him.... to unearth the pure feelings silently waiting for you to uncover them.

The essence of that first love remains forever, a perfume that never fails to remind you of the sweet fragrance of yesteryears and the togetherness of those times. It's like the musk of the musk deer that remains with it throughout its lifetime. The sweetness wafting through every pore of your being when you remember those days... nothing can match that priceless moment.

You love only once in your lifetime, so love truly. Don't dilly dally and waste your time away in short dalliances. People come and go, that one remains in heart and soul for eternity. Let not your love fail, let it be remembered by generations to come.... pure eternal love that crossed all barriers, yet remained steadfast in it's belief that one day he would return.

When I lost you, I cried, I became numb, I was angry, I didn't know what to do....yet each day even in someone else' arms, I prayed and hoped to meet you. My morning began with a sweet greeting to you then and still does... and my night ended with your thoughts, wondering where you were and wishing you happiness always. Along life's journey, I saw glimpses of you and heard about you. I was saddened at the way events turned out for you, I wanted to reach out and console you, yet couldn't. I was tied down by my worldly responsibilities and a loveless marriage, I wanted to break free but there was nowhere to go. One day, I fell into a deep abyss and was unable to surface for a long time. I was given up for dead, for sure, I had died a thousand deaths by then. I resurrected my life, rose as the Phoenix from my ashes and made a life for myself and my flock.

The sheep is waiting for the Shepherd.... come home to the lambs. Come home, O' lost one. Come home, O' wanderer. Use your compass to tread home steadily O' sailor. Set sail to the land where we await you. Your mermaid climbs the rock on the shore and looks out for you everyday dawn and dusk. Come hitherto to your damsel, come home O' Prince.

You love only once in your lifetime, keep your faith... I kept mine and am not disappointed. There is a long wait but the fruit at the end is sweet. The journey is long but you CAN reach your destination.. Ask me.... I can vouch for that.

I have loved once and for a lifetime..... I have loved you.

Why do I write?.... Once again

Why do I write?

I write for self satisfaction.I write to feel good. I write to take it all out. I write so that there is a semblance in my thoughts. I write for 'Catharsis'. Just wanna take it all out, empty the vessel and feel light. To remove the heaviness caused by the dull and dreary life I lead. I write to run away from my loneliness.

When I write, I am not alone, I am deeply immersed in my thoughts. There are people there who talk to me, there are instances where I am engrossed in a conversation with the supreme being too. It's like someone up there wants me to write, to express myself and be happy about it.

Penning my thoughts used to give me a pleasure I have not known for many years when the pen broke and I dreaded expressing myself. I stopped writing. I destroyed all my previous work of art and poetry in a frustrating rage. I regret it. But, now I write here in a blog... coz I know even if I want to, I cannot erase it. It shall remain always somewhere and can never be deleted.

I write so that he can understand the gamut of emotions I go through. I write so that he can comprehend the difficult person that I am. I write so that he can feel what I feel. I write so that he knows I am but human and can err too. I write for him so that tomorrow he cannot say that I never told him. I write so that he can understand me as a complex, emotional and sentimental fool.

I write to uplift both our moods. I know somewhere deep down he hurts from his past experiences. I write to assure him, I am there. I won't leave him now, try as much as he wants to, I am going to be there always. I write to make him feel secure in the knowledge that somewhere in this big bad world there's a woman waiting for him to take her in his strong arms and love him unconditionally irrespective of what anybody says.

I write to let him know, that this love... his and mine is here to stay and we shall never be parted again. I write for him and him alone.

Damn this wait.....

Waiting upon his Royal Highness to wake up and wish me each morning has become a habit... an addiction and the day his Royal Highness is late in his greetings am a bag of nervous wreck. I go crazy waiting upon him to appear in my text messages and online. This is killing me. How can a mere human being make me go absolutely smitten about his persona?

It makes no sense waiting upon a person in your twilight zone like a lusty twenty year old. There comes a time when you ought to act your age, but I am behaving like a lovelorn infatuated teenager. In retrospect, am ashamed of my actions. I feel so helpless in front of my strong emotions for this one person. Life throws some lime and lemons at you sometime or other, I guess this is that time in my life.

Am tired of waiting, but wait I have to. There is no option, is there? It's a long wait and wait I have to. The wait is a sweet pain amalgamating when two lovers meet, when they meet, if they meet. Why am I sounding so morose, so dejected.... I need to keep my spirits high. I have to remain motivated.

There is so much to do, yet so little time. There is a lot to be explained and a lot to be proved. Only time can tell, what direction we are moving in. Time is such a leveler of emotions and acts. I wonder, if time has time to wait for us.

Damn this wait.... But, wait we shall. Patiently wait for our time to come, if and when it does arrive. Hope that all will be fine and there shall be celebrations, joyous moments in our life together forever. Nothing is static. Everything is in constant motion, so is time. Let this wheel throw up our life together in holy matrimony and happiness in near future. let there be fireworks and painted and decorated elephants, horses and camels. Let there be brocade and jewels. Let there be the sacred fire and chants. Let there be blessings and blessings galore.

Wait we shall... as before.

I am the stuff....

I am the stuff that gossip columns are made of

I am the stuff that makes the world spin on its axis

I am the stuff that men look forward to

I am the stuff babies get hooked onto

I am the stuff that makes everything enjoyable

I am the stuff that makes print readable

I am the stuff writers base their stories on

I am the stuff that poets spin their webs on

I am love .... The stuff that is the pure essence of beauty and nature

I am life .... One you cannot live without

I am strife..... That tears the world apart

I am grief ... That makes you shed tears

I am grapevine .... That does the round of loudmouths

I am pure ecstasy .... One that only true lovers feel

I am ME, myself, ........ a name the world gave me

I am truth that cannot be hidden

I am a voice that cannot be stifled

I am ME, myself ...... a name to reckon with

I am the stuff, that makes you tough

I am the stuff that makes you cry

I am the love that you seek

I am the life that you wanna live

I am ME, myself.