You are an enigma.........

The more I try to steel myself from getting closer to you, the more am attracted to you and fall straight into your lair.

You are an enigma, rubbing onto me and making me lose my senses and reasoning power. How much ever I try to avoid doing things your way, I still end up doing them the way you expect me to.

I don't want bondage, but am bonding with you and that leaves no scope for freedom. My independence is what I cherish the most and I don't want to lose it. You make me go weak in my knees and I become helpless and like a puppy dog end up following your instructions.

You are an enigma, that's eating into my identity. I am losing myself, my space and my individuality. What will I end up being? No, I don't want to repeat past mistakes, I cannot bow down to your diktats. Gimme freedom, not chains. An eternal dilemma, a battle in my mind constantly.

I will have to change, I will have to take a full 360 degrees turn to mould myself to suit the ideal image you have in mind. Can I do that? Can I take that risk? I will have to melt and become the statue that you desire. I will have to disappear to emerge as the moth that the flame wants near it. What's the fate of the moth, when it nears the flame? It is reduced to a heap of burnt flesh. Is that what I really want?

But, Isn't love all about sacrifice? Isn't love all about merging into your loved one, to become one with him? If it is, am glad.... I am in love and yes, despite all the above apprehensions am ready to take the plunge. I want to be with you. I want to follow you to eternal bliss and happiness. I want to lose my identity to take yours. I want to lose myself to find you. Yes, I want to do all that and much more to make you happy, to bring joy in your life, to see you smiling. Coz, when you smile, I see myself in those crinkly eyes... I smile too.

Let aside, aspirations and ambitions... I belong to you and am willing to relinquish all the titles to attain yours.

You are an enigma and I am a part of you. You are an artist and I am your muse.

I confess... am...

I confess... am madly and hopelessly in love with a maverick. This mad hatter is truly a romantic at heart and gets my pulse racing at the very mention of his name or thought.

I wish I could high five and shout out and proclaim my love publicly...... Alas! I can't... Am bound by my limitations. But I confess am truly in love and second time round with the same person.

My day begins with his message and voice and ends with his sweet nothings whispered in my ears over the phone. What more can a gal ask for but a man madly in love with her. Am honoured and overjoyed with the happiness am surrounded with. Everything seems bright and beautiful. Touchwood!

He is simple yet sophisticated. He has an aura of regal and royal elegance. He is aristocratic in his persona. My Knight in Shining Armour. Love him a lot. There's nothing more I wish for but for him to whisk me away. He has already swept me off my feet. Am floating in a dreamworld, let me never awaken from this dream.

Ah, Love can be so wonderful yet so heart wrenching. It makes you pine for your lover. It makes you yearn to be in his strong arms. Love .... eternal love, ethereal love.... something very few are able to receive and enjoy.

I confess, am soaked in his love. I ask for nothing more than his love. Am keeping my fingers crossed, lest an evil eye cast its spell on my love. I belonged to him then, I belong to him now... this chasm of distance keeps us apart but not for long. The day we meet, I know the heavens will open up. There will be a downpour and all pain of yesteryears will be washed away in the flash floods. I know, a new hope springs and all will be fine and peaceful.

I confess..... am waiting for my first kiss from my Prince.... blissful warmth of souls entwined in a warm embrace is what I am looking forth to. I confess, I have my dreams all set to make them come true with my loved one beside me, holding my hand and both of us walking into the sunset holding hands. What a sight it would be for eons to remember by our future and the world to talk about.

I confess, am waiting to flaunt my love and waiting to declare my love for you, my love. I love you.

Zero Error Syndrome...

Yup... I suffer from ZES.... Zero Error Syndrome.

Everything has to be perfect. Everyone has to be perfect. Every situation has to be perfect.

An ideal life is what I seek.... but it's hard to come by.

No one is perfect. I ain't perfect too. My imperfection reflects in my anger and obsessive compulsive disorder. But, I expect everything to be in order. Things to happen in clockwork precision. People to be civil and follow discipline. Expectations.... too many of them and yet not a single one can be fulfilled.

This ZES thingy is making me go bonkers...not that I ain't crazy but yet it's alienated me from people in the past and now threatens to raise it's ugly head in the relationship I am in. How do I deal with my demons and penchant for everything being clean be it my home, my life or our relationship?

How do I deal with my zeal for perfection? What a dilemma? There are times when I just want to scream and say Lemme be.... lemme be imperfect. Let me be human. Let me live life. Let me just flow. Let me be just me....Period...full stop.

Let this disease not torture me more..... let it pass on. I wanna enjoy life rather than crib about everything in it. Let me be thankful for all the small mercies of life. Let me just tide over things and stop mulling over the nitty gritties in everything I do. Let me just let go of my expectations.

I want freedom from.........Zero Error Syndrome.....Aaarggh

Why do I blog...

Good question.... Why do I blog?

I blog, coz I wanna write what's in my mind. I wanna write what's in my thoughts. I wanna write what I feel. I wanna write coz he wants me to write. I wanna write coz he looks forward to reading my blogs, my thoughts, my feelings. He wants to know me better. He wants to understand me and the mechanism of my mind.

It's not hard to fathom that he loves me and wants to know me inside out. Why? So that he would know how to deal with me in any situation, knowing my volatile nature. So that he can handle my mood swings.... knowing fully well how I get bogged down by physical limitations. So that he can understand why I behave in a certain way at times. So that he can empathize with me when I am down and out and really hurting.

I write for him. So that he knows that every moment he is in my thoughts. He is the driving force that keeps me on my toes striving to do better and better so that he can be proud of me. I write not for everyone, But for him.... My soul mate. I write for the man in my life. I write so that he can understand me and comprehend my feelings and thoughts. I write so that he knows I am there.

I blog for him and him alone.

It's my destiny....

Forlorn, lonely, melancholy, desperate......... It's my destiny to be all of these and yet be happy upfront. A fake smile pasted on my lips, a mask to shield my emotions from prying eyes.... it's my destiny to put a thick cake of make up to hide the crease marks of my pain.

Yes, it's my destiny to sacrifice.... I was born to be so , I was raised to do so, I was pushed to live so........ a destiny of helpfulness and yet so helpless for own.

It's my destiny to give always , expecting no returns. No qualms about this, I have a knack for being there always... watching over my loved ones past and present, always forgiving yet not forgetting.... hence, my destiny to be a loner again and again.

It's my destiny... I opened the innings, I shall close it too.... back to the pavilion thou shalt be escorted by me. It's my destiny to make two people meet, to give away my love for a greater cause.. to handover the reins of my pleasure to someone who truly deserves to be by your side.

It's my goddamn destiny as always to give away what I cherish the most.... to wipe the tears from eyes not mine, to flood the world of others with happiness and walk away empty handed.

It's my destiny... and I created it.... No regrets at all.

I don't know...

I don't know, whether what I did just now was right or wrong.... I did what I did coz I felt like doing it and thought that was the right thing to do.

I can help someone make it or break it. I prefer it if they make it. You can't waste a decade of togetherness in a moment of anger and just leave. No, come back, go back to the one you pine for. Make your lover yours once again. There's no tomorrow, there is this moment. Pick your phone, call him, tell him you love him too and pack your bag and reach out for him. He is lonely, he is hurting too. You can do it. He has taken the step forward, you can take one towards him. Forget your ego, forget your pride... Love is above all these emotions.

Gather your flock, rush to him with open arms. He is waiting for you. He is aching for you. He remembers not your harsh words, he remembers your smell. He seeks you in every damsel he meets and returns home forlorn and lonely. Go, fill his world with your love again ... he is lonely and hurting ..... only you can make him happy.

He is incomplete without you, go complete him. He is a half read poetry, read the verses and give it a positive note. Only you can do it, no one else can do it.

I don't know, if what I did was right, I believe I did the right thing. If I can bring two hurting people back together again... I would have erased all their pain.... I know I would attain a heavenly bliss and hold no remorse ever.

I don't know, why I did it... but am glad I did it. There's no looking back. He belongs not to me, it's a realisation.... something that hurts and gives pain but that's what selfless love is all about. Letting go.... I don't know...

There comes a time....

There comes a time.... when one has to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea.

A deep thought and you are on your way to either make history or just fade away into the oblivion.

A time to dwell on the pros and cons of what really matters to you and what can be discarded.

You have lived life on your terms and come to a crossroad where you have to choose between continuing with the same monotony or just tread on the path that has opened up but with its own options and conditions, ones that are not your own. A path which is unknown and not recommended by well wishers. Then, what do you do? There comes a time when you have to decide, which option to choose.... your decision, no one else to blame if things don't work out.

You are alone in this journey and the choice is yours to make. What you do with your life is your business. But, don't hurt people on the way, take them along. If they choose to follow you, fine... take them along... else walk on. Remember, you are the rolling stone that gathers no moss.

There comes a time, when you have to walk alone.... tow the line that binds you and then sever it with one final strike and move on, alone into the horizon. A place not known to conscious mind... a place you will presumably find peace after a brief hiatus on Earth... a place not known but only talked about.

There comes a time, when you just carry on with your duties and then responsibilities cease to exist at one point and you are a blank.... coz you haven't thought of what to do when you would be all alone with no one to give you company... no one to ask your welfare.... no companion, you are just a burden and lonesome and hurting, with nowhere to go ... coz you gave all your life for others and never thought of your own interests. When you gave selflessly of yourself and in your twilight, when you had nothing to give , you were alone ... solitary and melancholy, miserable and lonely.

Cheer up. There comes a time, when you look back and say.... It was a life well lived... no regrets.... and given a chance would live it exactly the same way once again. Yeah! That's the spirit.... that's the motivating factor.... move on, explore the world.... there's so much more to discover... so much more to give. There is an abundance of love within you, go out and spread the smile. Make light of your life and spread the sunshine, you were born to be different... to be sacrificial and beautiful in your own way. The glow on your face tells all..... speaks volumes of all the blessings you have received in your short life span... there's more... at the end of the rainbow...go after it, it's yours to receive and share with the rest of the world.

There comes a time..... when you just let go..... and vaporise into the cosmos..... that time is yet to come... till then do good unto others and spread the smile......... give of yourself unconditionally and see the difference you make .... in the lives, you touch and harbour no remorse.... everything happens for a reason, happens for good... there is a reason for your existence, you were born to give, you were born to be the beacon of light everyone needs at some point or the other in their lives. You were created for a greater purpose..... do it well. Your time has come... Rise and shine.

There comes a time... And your time has come... make the most of it. Make someone happy..... you will be happy too. ;-)

Damn this anger.......

Damn this anger, which dwells within me. Damn the resentment I feel. Why does it rear its ugly head every time I am happy? Why is it not pleased to see me smile?

Damn this anger, which stops me from understanding. Damn it, coz it makes me a shallow beast. All common sense is lost. All reasons fail. The momentary lapse makes me lose everything. I turn into a stranger, a stranger I wanna avoid but cannot.

Is it really anger? Or a sense of insecurity that prevails. The feeling that nothing is permanent hence this will go too. I am losing it I guess. Sanity is a far fetched word in my dictionary. Everything seems to be falling apart. I need a respite, else I will be lost forever. Damn this insanity called anger.

I just seem to have lost it. Getting perturbed by nothing at all. Anything and everything seems to trigger a chain reaction as explosive as the solar flares on the Sun. Everything boils down to insecurity, lack of empathy and a deep rooted feeling that's a problem that I shall never be happy. Why do I end up feeling insecure? Why do I not trust anyone anymore? What is it that binds me to loneliness? Why is it difficult to accept things as they are? Why can't I move on? Why do I end up getting stuck on the past?

Am I really scarred for life? Damned to the deep dark ghettos of melancholic solitariness, do I ever stand the chance to resurrect myself? Why can't I stop hurting myself and others? What anger is it that is so vehemently predominant in my being that it doesn't let go, it just eats me up from within like cancer. Do I ever have hope of salvation from my demons of the past?

It seems , am the very epitome of God's creation gone awry. Am proof that there is no hope for fools. Am an example of something gone wrong somewhere. Am living proof that all hope is lost. Why am I such a prick? Why am I sozzled by my own emotions? Why do I overlook the genuineness in the other person? Why do I block out faith and trust? Why oh why?

Damn this anger, damn this insecurity, damn myself..............