I saw a dream...Give me a reason to stay....

I saw a dream...
I dreamt you being in it...
But, I realised...
It was just that....
A dream....
Coz' when I woke up....
I was all alone....
You weren't there....
You never were.

I walked the extra mile .....
To be with you....
You tried to be with me.....
But your obligations ....
They held you back....
And, I had to walk alone....
That extra mile and beyond.

Am thinking...
Am always thinking....
What is this relationship all about....
You want to keep it a secret...
Why?....
What is it that you are afraid of?....
Am I just a time pass?...
If I am, let me know....
Don't make me dream....
Don't let me commit.....
Am committed always from day one...
In any relationship....
But expect the same passion from the other end.....
If it's not visible....
I give up and walk away....
Don't let me do that in our case.....
I am fidgeting....
I am restless.....
There is only so much I can do....
After which, all I do is ......
Walk away.....
And, when I turn around....
I never look back.....
I won't look back...
My resolve is strong.......
 My decision is never changing.....
My belief is staunch....
Once I go...
I go away for good.

I saw a dream.....
You were there....
Now, I don't dream....
You might not be there....
So, I don't dream.
Give me a reason to stay....
There is none as yet.....
I can't always give...
I need love too..
If I don't get it....
You don't get me.

I saw a dream.....
That was last night....
Give me a dream tonight....
Or walk away....
I won't follow you....
I won't call out your name....
It will be business as usual....
Life will go on....
Give me a reason to stay.....
Give me a dream to dream.

Skeletons in my cupboard.....

There are skeletons in my cupboard....

Of ghosts from the past...

Of spirits long gone away....

They left their remains behind....

I guess am the Bone collector....

The very thought sends a chill up my spine....

Thoughts of the souls returning to spite me.

Yes, there are skeletons in my closet.

They left not just like that...

They took a piece of me with them....

All they left behind are .....

The skeletal remains of a naive and good woman.

They robbed me of my jewels...

A novelty not found anywhere..

The vanity of a woman....

The dignity of a lady....

They robbed me of my soul...

And all that was left behind were the bones.....

Bones of  discontent...

A closet filled with the stench of rotting flesh....

A cupboard full of cluttered remains....

Of a mind scared and at wits end.

The skeletons in my cupboard...

Make a lot of noise....

They make me go bonkers....

The thoughts are a mess....

All jumbled and a puzzle....

Am not good at solving puzzles...

So I trash them all.....

The hollow eye pits....

The gaping jaws.....

The bony and cold feel....

The skull makes me jump...

A cackled laugh in the foreground....

An ashen face flashes past....

I wake up shivering and with a cold sweat....

It's just a nightmare.....

Of days to come.

The day I shall open...

The cupboard wide ajar...

I know the skeletons will come...

Tumbling out and strewn apart.

Then what will you say.....

Then where will you look....

Will you still stay.....

With all the mess around me?

And the journey begins.....

Today I embark on a journey of self realization and self actualization. I start to recognise myself as an individual on my own... a force to reckon with.... an identity that has created itself and carved a niche' for herself in this big bad world.

Today, I promise myself happiness.... my self and my freedom. Today, I let go of all my weaknesses . I won't let anyone take me for granted, I am me, myself and need my space. I have given enough of myself and now it's payback time. Pay up or leave me alone. I don't trust you , I trust my instinct and it says stay away from the evil one.... Steer clear of the devil. You are the devil, the very reincarnation of Satan, I can see it... I won't let you pull me down... or pin me down.You have raped me of my sanity.... No more shall you rule the roost.... you are a non entity in my life as of now.... I am over and done with you.

And , lo behold!... The journey begins.... I know not what lays ahead... all I know is that I embark on this path all alone.. with the intention of covering the distance all alone in tranquil peace and harmony with myself.

Walk away, if you want to.......

Walk away, if you want to.....
Run away, if you want to...
Am not coming after you....
That's me, the one with a heart of stone.

You are free to live your life....
The way you have always lived.....
Am no one to bind you....
Coz' I too live life on my terms......
And that don't include being in bondage.

You have made your choice....
I have made mine too....
Am totally blanked out....
Memories erased.....
None to keep me awake waiting for you....
None to make me remember you.
You are just another name....
Another person in the room....
Not someone once I knew....
There is nothing.....
No feeling, nothing at all....
Walk away..... You have already done that....
I shall walk the other way.

Sometimes.........

Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that makes me tick...
Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that inspires me....
What is it beyond the yonder....
That is my pulse ....
And my heartbeat.

Sometimes I wonder...
Whether what I am doing is right or not..........
Sometimes... just sometimes I pinch myself....
To feel the sharpness of my nails....
To feel real....
To feel alive... and kicking....
Sometimes ... just sometimes... I want to experience....
Who I truly am.

Sometimes... I want to peel off that mask.....
I want to be without the make up....
That hides the fine lines of experience... good and bad...
Sometimes.... just sometimes....
I want to look my natural self.....
A beautiful, genuine human being...
Naked in her thoughts...
Naked and open in her opinions....
Just myself....
Sometimes... I just wanna be me, myself.

Sometimes I believe....
In the power that lies within...
Sometimes I believe in myself...
But those moments are rare...
More are the moments ....
When I am down and out...
Bogged down by the moralities of life....
Morality set by an insane society....
Morality that degrades...
Morality that has no moral values....
Morality that is unjustified....
Morality that sometimes.....
Can mean the end of any relationship...
Morality that has no meaning....
Sometimes I believe...
We live in a moral society....
Based on it's own baseless thoughts.

Sometimes... I want to fly....like a bird......
Sometimes I want to swim ... like a fish....
Sometimes I wanna be free.....
Free and dancing in gay abandon....
Rejoicing the gift of life.....
Sometimes... just sometimes....
I want to be free.....
Free from the age old bondage of being a woman.

Sometimes.... sigh!.... Sometimes.....

The swagger in my walk...

The swagger in my walk...
Shows how confident I am...
The lilt in my voice....
Shows how at ease I am....
The look in my eyes .....
Though give me away....
The look of a woman ...
Scorning the rest of the lot....
The look that says....
I am above you all.

The swagger in  my walk...
The steps that I take...
The quiet heel down and the tip toe ...
Shows am a lioness on the prowl.

The cool look in my gaze...
Hot enough to put you in a daze.....
The looks of a killer.....
The dazzled eyes and their sparkle....
It could kill anyone...
If I wanted to...
But I don't care...
Coz' am above them all.

The smile on my lips....
Something that they look forth to...
A billion dollar smile....
A 24 carat shine...
A thousand watt brightness....
A smile to die for....
Countless lost their hearts to it....
Countless more to go....
When will all this narcissism end...
Who knows...This is just the beginning...
Am all set for a new match...
A brand new innings.

The swagger in my walk...
The smile on my lips...
The twinkle in my eyes....
The confidence in my stride....
It says all....
Guess what....
This is the brand new gala day...
When I go ahunting again....
The maneater from Kumaon....
Am known not just like that.

Towards the end....

Towards the fag end of the day....
I guess you can't call it quits....
Until it is well done.....
Until you really mean it.
Towards the end of a relationship...
When all else is crumbling around you...
When you see your whole world....
Washed away in your pitiful tears...
You just can't give up....
Give up you must....
If there is no response....
Give up you must when you find no respite...
Just give up... towards the end of the day....
Let go.... let them be.
Towards the end...
You will sense a wave of relief....
Take over and override everything else....
Towards the end....
You will find your salvation.
If this is The End....
So be it....
Am game for a new beginning.....
Am longing for a new dawn.
Towards the end...
Nothing matters at all...
 No emotions, no feelings....
Just a numbness....
A cold start to a fresh new day....
A revving of the spirits....
Gunning for a new dawn....
A new experience...
A new beginning....
A new seed sown....
A new ray of hope....
Someday, sometime, someone would be there....
Till then...move on... keep going...
That's what the heart says...
That's what the mind says....
The eyes just get blinded....
Is it a tear or the dew drops...
I do not know...
All I know is a warm feeling....
Trickling down my cheeks.
Towards the end....
My tears mingle with the August rain....
I walk... walk alone into the sunset.

Priorities......

Guess I need to prioritize....
Who's gonna be beside me.....
Who am I gonna meet...
Who it is that I give my time to...
I really need to draw the line....
The fine line.... that decides....
Who is in and who is out.

I need to see that....
I don't waste my time waiting...
For people, in whose priority list I don't feature....
What a waste of beautiful moments...
Waiting for someone who will never be there.....
Never be there for me ever...

I really need to prioritize....
Learnt my lesson well....
Twiddling my thumb...
Waiting upon someone...
Who had priorities set right....
Guess am just a back up plan for lonely nights....
And bored days...
Need to set my limits....
Keep people off limits....
Not giving them an inch...
To take me for a ride again.

I have set my priorities too....
And I guess you don't feature......
In the to do list no more...
You set your priorities...
And, now I set my own.

Couldn't have been possible....

Whatever that has happened so far in my life could have been avoided if I had followed the common path.... I didn't.... I made my own trail in the concrete jungle.... a trail that leads to nowhere yet reaches me somewhere. I don't expect anyone to follow suit, not even my kids.. they should carve a life out for themselves... I am just an example of what can happen if you rebel and go your own way... try it.... take it or leave it... I ain't no one to give advises.... I ain't the sort to guide.... I ain't the one to lead you.... I take you with me in my experiences first hand... I myself do not know what lays ahead but I know, am game for some adventure always.

All this couldn't have been possible for me had people not come and gone out of my life.... poof.... one moment there and the next gone.... vaporized.... but yet the experiences I felt with them... in their company for a brief while, shaped my destiny and my today. No hard feelings for anybody... but a heart felt thanks for being there for a moment and then moving on and giving me my space and time to breath.

I am what I am coz' of my experiences and am glad of those moments that changed me and my outlook on life. Am happy with whatever cards life dealt me.... feel like a winner all the way.... I gambled all my life.... am still gambling it.... the maverick that I am.

There is not a single thought of remorse.... no thought at all... just a blank page that I fill in each day with my new experiences daily.... and then erase it all and fill in again. A never ending story to be written each moment till my last breath.

All this couldn't have been possible if I didn't have a family supportive enough to forgive every rebellion of mine, to overlook every mistake I have made so far..... a family that loves me no matter what.... come hail and thunderstorm they have stood by my side.... never letting me fall.... I stumbled and they supported me..... They made it possible for me to brush off the dirt from my dress and move on.... egging me on..... That's what family is for.... Unconditional love.

If I am what I am , I am coz' of my kids, who took in all my experiences good or bad in their stride, always by my side and their snide remarks and jokes about my countless affairs.... kept the humour strong and supple and the mood light. The first ones to know the condition of my heart and the beats .... they are my pillars of strength.

All this couldn't have been possible .... but for all these people and the influence they have had on my life.... my friends, my foes ..... my family, my kids..... and my ever romantic infallible heart.

Unsure moments........

There are moments when am not sure whether he is really interested in me. Those are the trying moments when I turn melancholy and go into a pensive mood. A mood that makes me wonder whether what I am doing is right. How can I  make one person my whole and sole. A rhetoric of emotions where am always wondering whether he really is into me or just playing around.

 Am not sure.... Unsure moments.

There are moments when he goes all out and is there for me and moments when I need him and he isn't there at all. What a dilemma? Always wondering whether what I am doing is right or not.

Guess I need to take a call and get out of this uncertainty. Need to buck up. Can't keep my life on hold for one person. Need to move on. Can't waste my time waiting upon a person unsure of himself.
This insecurity is killing me. Every moment am contemplating telling him I want to call it quits. But, am unable to do so. Unsure moments... unsure emotions... unsure musings.

Those moments whence he showered his undivided attention on me are mere memories to me which bring a wry smile on my lips .... that's all. It has no meaning now, when I need him he ain't there. What's the use of remembering a bygone era... moments that are not going to come back again.

Unsure moments for me.... a big decision to make.

And, I thought I was the only one.....

Yes, I thought I was the only one...
But I was all wrong....
An assumption gone awry.....
Dreams shattered and heart broken...
I lay there on the bed....
Looking up at the ceiling....
Muttering to myself...
And, I thought I was the only one.

Dark eyed from lack of sleep...
Stammering a few words...
I walk into the walk of life.....
A hollow self of mine...
Everyone notices....
The stagger in the walk.....
They all can feel the alcohol in my breath....
I tried to drown my sorrows in it.....
I tried to stifle my cries....
I tried in vain to camouflage....
The everlasting pain.
And, I thought I was the only one.....
When there was another...
Lurking in the shadows....
Behind your veiled eyelashes....
And, seriously all along....
I thought you loved me only....
Whence all you ever wanted from me....
Was a moments pleasure.....
A feeling of having conquered ...
And gained the most prized possession...
I ain't no jewel in your crown...
I ain't the doormat you seek....
I am every woman.....
And I walk away from you....
Today and forever, I shall never speak...
Coz' I know..... I ain't the only one...
I can never be.....
I have learnt my lesson well....
You are history Mister....
You do not feature anywhere.....
In my list of favourites anymore.
And, you thought you were the only one?

Love knows no bounds......

Love knows no bounds....
No age ... no caste... no creed...
It is just a pure sensation.....
A feeling running through your veins....
A river flowing in your body...
Boundless by time....
Limitless by emotions....
Feelings that hold forth...
A promise for a beautiful time to come.

Love knows no bounds....
I have seen it happen .....
Over and over again....
Every time a new experience....
A new game to begin....
Game because....
That's how it begins and ends....
And I term it love.....
Is it truly love?
Only time can tell...
But each time a deep imprint was left....
Each time I cried....
Each time.... I mourned....
The death of a relationship....
Each time I bid it adieu...
Each time it grew and grew.....
A monster, they call Love.

Love knows no bounds....
And yes I have loved....
A thousand men....
I have lost count.....
A thousand kind souls...
A thousand broken hearts somewhere....
But I broke too....
I broke my promise to myself each time....
Yet I was in a relationship always....
Falling in love but never in grace....
Coz' I am meant to love... not grieve...
I am meant to pick up the threads...
And move on....
Move on I shall each time...
Go on loving each time.

Love knows no bounds....
No walls ....
No age... no caste... no creed and no colour.

Oops! I did it again....

Oops! I did it again.....
I promised myself...
I won't fall in love....
And I did......
So here I am.....
Once again in a soup.....
Oops! I did it again.

The heartache has begun.....
The pain is back....
I fell in love...
And hurt myself once again.....
Another number added to the long long list...
As you would like to put it...
It should make you glad.....
Am off your back.
You are free to go....
Wherever you came from...
Wherever you wanna go...
Never the one to hold anyone back....
I set you free....But...
Did I ever shackle you?
No, I didn't  do that...
Am not the kinds to tie anyone...
Am the one who lets you remain free...
Oops! I did it again..
Sorry dear heart of mine...
I know you are feeble and not fine...
I can't help but fall in love....
For you are made to give....
Just one more time.....
Brave the pain....
I promise....Dear heart...
Never to fail you again....
I swear, love is not for me....
I realise after the fall.....
It's from our mistakes we learn...
I seem to forget all the time.

Oops! I did it again.....

No clarification to give or needed............

Need no clarification....
Nor feel the need to give one....
That's how I am...........
Unpredictable, just like you.

No assumptions...
I ain't assuming.....
Done with all that before....
Am in no mood at all....
No mood for arguments....
No mood for clarifying....
I am just like that....
Take it or leave it....
Like it or lump it.

My life sucks...
I have no choice...
I made the choice....
And am paying the price for it...
A lifetime of struggle....
To create an identity I lost.....
Am lost n this maze....
That you call life....
It ain't for me.....
I am made for pain....
And that's what you get....
When you hold my hand...
A lifetime of pain.

Let me be by myself....
Or come join me....
The choice is yours to make....
Not my liberty to take.

I have nothing to lose...
You would have to stake....
All that you've got....
To be by my side....
I don't think you are ready for that.............
It's a rough road to take....
Too many potholes...
Not ones you can navigate.

So, be the free bird that you are...
Let me be alone....
I was made for solitary life....
Not a companion  to take.

No clarification to give or needed.....
Go live your life your way.....
Lemme walk alone my way.

On a day like this......

On a day like this, when people the world over are catching up on friends and relations..... my own friends are sending messages and trying to bond with me.... Why am I so sad? Why have I switched off? Why am I hiding?Why am I shying away from responding? What is it that I am covering up? Why...........

Why am I listening to depressing songs making me feel horribly miserable? Damn this state of being.....

On a day when everyone is bonding... why am I aloof?

Where has my sense of humor gone? I need to bring it back to bounce back else I shall sink..... sink in the quicksand of depression...... Now's not the time for that.... I have only just begun....... Can't get pulled down by setbacks and heartbreaks.....

Guess, this song by Dido sums it all up for the time being....

Nothing that I have is truly mine.... Dido

Yes, my life is for rent.....And, I don't like to buy.... Nothing I have is truly mine... DIDO...

That sums up what I am feeling and am .............

Miserably blogging my blues away............Painting a new picture again....

The best thing to do.... Love yourself... you will never end up hurting yourself. People come and go.... you shall remain with yourself..... The self remains.

Miserable.... is the word of the day. Feeling utterly miserable, thanks to this ever believing heart that believes every lie it is told and then ends up down in the dumps ultimately. Have been a fool ... so to say... made a terrible fool out of myself.... a laughing stock in front of others.... Believing something which was not there and the message was clear.... I was just time pass.

The hurt goes deeper than I thought it would......it's unbearable... am feeling miserable to the extent of looking for a place to hide my face in shame. I just need to get away from all this.... maybe walk away from what exists and go far away... easier said than done.... my responsibilities don't allow me this freedom... and I shall remain miserable ....knowing well the bone of contention is around.

The situation gets worse when you can't even cry lest someone sees your tears and you are considered weak.

A turmoil deep in the recesses of a bleeding heart .... a struggle to bring a false smile on your face that has lost all its glow and glory.

Seriously, why can't I just let go and swear never to give anybody a chance to ever break my heart again and again. I need to make myself an armour of steel.... Iron lady.... Ice maiden... that's the solution..... nothing and no one can penetrate that wall and I shall be safe and single again. What a blissful feeling it would be... no one to look forward to.... no one to say anything to.... no one to belong to... lonely, melancholy and all by myself and blogging away about nonsensical stuff and people who no more matter in my life. Is that so? Is that reality... or am I creating a wall around myself and turning into a recluse the same one that I was a while ago. But, at least I wasn't hurting then,,, is that so? I was hurting then,,,, am hurting now.... and shall always hurt coz I am  human and I have loved and lost and I shall make the same mistake over and over again.... loving and losing is a beautiful game.... my favourite game.....Time to just let go and move on.... I don't need to explain myself.... I have done no wrong... your notions and assumptions held you back.... remain there..... I can't sit still.... am not still waters am the river .... I can't stop and rest at  a place.... I move on.... go with the flow... I have no destination ...... am sometimes calm and sometimes wild ..... That's who I am.... You are a solid rock.... I take  a piece of you with me and you are left behind as I move on. Move on ... I must... That's my destiny..... and I make my destiny today.... and henceforth.

Whew! What an outburst..... Am feeling empty within. Blank..... Erased.

Let me get my easel, paints and brush and start painting a new picture again...........

Confused confessions..... Dawning upon me...

I am always getting confused.....
A state of affair since I gained consciousness...
I guess, am always getting lost....
In meandering gullies and lanes...
And in the travails of life.

Confused confessions to make ...
Confusion to create....
Mirages to blow over....
Like inflated balloons to pop over....
A bursting medley of popcorn emotions....
Gone down the gullet in a jiffy....
A vanishing act seldom seen...
In sound minds ...
And awakened souls.

Confessions today,,,
Coz' the lady has been unjust to herself....
A long long time...
It's time to bring in some joy.....
To usher in illumination....
A brilliance  desired.....
A flame rekindled.

A living hell...
If Pandora's box is opened...
Confessions can singe your skin...
Burn your flesh...
The roasting smell overbearing...
A very rotten sight to see.

Let the confessions be... Lady...
This ain't the right time to let it all out...
Wait... bide your time...
Don't lose sleep over someone....
Who has no time for you....
But, yes give the new dawn a chance....
Which brings a smile to your tired lips.

Dawning upon me ....
Is a confession ...
My heart has to make....
Should I make it now...
Or, wait for the right time....
If it is to ever come....?
Confused confession.....Dawning upon me.....

All I think about is.....hehehehehehe

Never make your desires stronger than you. Once they exist, it's very difficult to get over them and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when they are not fulfilled. An anger that distills your soul and vaporises everything within. You lose yourself in the process. All I think about is my anger and how to control it..... my frustrations and how to keep them at bay.... it's a  constant struggle to keep my desires under check.

You say, you know I am thinking all the time.... yup, I am. But, not the way you assume it to be .... the assumption ain't right. I presume, am always in deep thought but not in conniving or devising anything but desiring and attracting the same to me. The secret, I can.... and I shall.

All I think about is, why does this man never say anything. Why? He fulfills all my desires.... I just have to utter a word and lo behold! I get it.... but, what I want to hear, I don't get to hear. I want to hear you say it.... there's no use projecting it..... it makes no sense to me.....Err, it does but I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth..... Neigh....

All I think about is.... you and what am I upto.... where is all this leading to...it makes no sense to me. Am utterly dismayed at my actions and frankly have no clue, why this is happening in the first place... why? No clue at all.

All I think about is, am I doing the right thing? But, dammit.... I have no self control... I just melt on hearing your voice... and knowing that's my weakness, yet I yearn to hear it all the time. Am not confused..... just apprehensive...coz,  all I think about is you , all the time.... anytime... anywhere and everyone knows.....coz am glowing and beaming and shy all the time.... no, I didn't tell anyone... everyone is curious to know... they know whpo it is, but they want me to say it..... whenever your name crops up in conversations and I turn scarlet, they know it... I know it, coz when they utter your name...I turn beetroot red and all eyes are turned on me....the cat gets my tongue... I just keep quiet and THEY KNOW IT.

All, anybody has to do is read my blogs and they would know, it's you.... all they have to do is put the pieces of this puzzle together and see your name carved in my heart.... writ large on my face.... the smile on my lips.... sealed with a kiss.

All I think about is ... YOU.... all the time.

Of Cowboys and Aliens....

Yups.... I love cowboys and aliens fascinate me. It had been ages since I last saw a cowboy oriented movie and something to do with aliens. My thirst was quenched when I saw one which had both my favourite characters in it and also one of my all time favourites Harrison Ford and also one of the latest craze, Daniel Craig. Thank you for springing this surprise on me.

Of course, it was rather impromptu.... I liked it.... or rather I like that.... hahahhahah.

These small little gestures and surprises make a relationship meaningful and something to look forward to and to die for. It makes one sit upright and think....wow! there is someone who cares enough to find time for you despite a hectic and busy life in the Metro. Your heart goes out to the person and you go weak in the knees and you just can't stop gushing all over and beaming a smile from ear to ear. The smile is for all to see. It says it all. My little ones are wondering, why their Mom can't stop smiling.

Being the sceptic that I am, critical in my views ... It's hard to believe that such acts can be conducted even today without a word being said about the feelings that make you do it. Hmmmm.... But, damn it.... I want to hear you out.... shout out... like Tarzan..Omigosh! Why am I behaving like a deeply infatuated school girl.

It's a rather tricky situation as of today..... am travelling on two boats..... one foot on each......... it's like a decision has to be made ...concrete, which one to travel on?  Am set on what I want, but who it is, is a big question. I want love, unconditional pure love.... sincerity, faithfulness, integrity, compassion......not possession.....not someone who ain't sure about himself, who doesn't know left from right, who is hell bent on making himself rather than caring about me.... it's a catch 22 situation and I am not confused but in a dilemma as to how to break the news.But, what's there to say? There is nothing concrete on either side. Nobody has committed and here I am raving and ranting about it, beating the blues out of me, scrounging my head and pulling my hair out for nothing at all.

At least Cowboys are men that know `what they want.... so do Aliens.... but, what's it with men in my life? Why can't they decide once and for all, what they want from me? It can't be money, coz I have none... then, what is it that they seek in me? I have nothing to offer? No youth, no beauty left to show...just a harangued and sick brain.

I wish at this moment, a UFO comes down and sweeps me away into deep space, coz the cowboys have failed to sweep me off my feet and taken me far away to the wild, wild west. What an imagination.... all the work of a diseased mind... infected with LOVE.

Tomorrow's challenges...... Today's solutions..... I am a fraud too...

Tomorrow what happens, we know not.Today, what we do, we know. Tomorrow's challenges are today's solutions. A big statement to make.... and perhaps a bigger mistake in the making. Who cares? I do... No, I don't. A constant dilemma..... no solution in sight..... a heart bereft of any emotions... a mind robbed of its peace.

Who knows what challenges we may face tomorrow. What new problems will come our way.... we can anticipate them,... yet not know fully when they would strike. Are we prepared for an onslaught of possible pain and pleasure? Are we all set in our goals to achieve? Have we archived what we need and what is it that makes us tick? No, and pray why not? It's because, you can't set things your way.... not our goals... what tomorrows dawn brings with it, is a mystery to one and all.. what might happen the next second is a big question... no prophecy no Guru can foretell.

Live in the moment. Every second counts..... Easier said than done.... but,  I do. Going with the flow... as once someone asked me to..... moving and grooving to the bio rhythm of my surroundings.... That's what I do. There are times, when I do feel exasperated.... gasping for air..... I need a breather too and these are the times and life of an otherwise boring and stale moments we live. Monotonous humongous everyday jobs... smiles when you are down and out but yet you need to put up a show of happiness... Huh! Fraud world and fraud emotions... fraud men and fraud women.... all cheating on themselves.... all cheating on others..... Then, how am I different? I am a fraud too. I cheat on myself. I cheat on my emotions and my passion. I deny myself what I truly need. All for what?

All for tomorrow's challenges and today's solutions..... a brief momentary pleasure..... a high and then an all time low. I am a fraud too. I am faking it, when I say I am happy.... I am not..... 

Inner peace......

The image of God.... something which we like..... a devotional song..... music to tired ears....that is what the struggle in life is all about....finding peace....inner peace.

I shed a silent tear..... every now and then...... I know I am nearer to you my creator...... long before it happened..... I saw you...... and I knew you were there... always silently watching.... standing strong behind me.... letting me make mistakes..... holding my hand when I was down and out.

Today too, I need you..... I may say I am financially sound..... I have a great job..... yet I am not happy. I need you to help me take the right decisions....I need you to keep me grounded.... What insecurities bother me... I can't pen them down yet they are bothering me and bringing me down.

I know what I have been upto in the past couple of days isn't morally right..... not in my situation ...not in my capacity..... but am helpless..... my heart just gives way and  am unable to control my actions or the words I speak.

I must bring an end to this frivolous escapade of mine..... yet am in no control of the situation.... Is it fated to be happening? Or, am I just imagining stuff? I am clueless...... am like a puppet acting my part out..... I want this to stop..... it cannot without the participation of the other party. Am the wet cement ....... impressionable.....just like how I put it for little kids.... am not  a kid yet I feel like one... I want to explore the possibilities.... I want to try out new things..... yet my age and status do not permit me so socially... societal pressures are innumerable..... so are emotional downturns.

Peace... inner peace is what I seek...... am unable to achieve it...... It is frustrating to know that you are there yet it is not within your reach. Once upon a time I had everything.... yet I lost it all one night.... In one instance everything was severed and life was shattered to bits and pieces..... yet I stood tall... I braved the storm.... then why today when I have the whole world at my feet am I so helpless and in an introspective mood..... why am I letting it all go for a brief moment of pleasure?

Dangerous liaisons...... that mean the end.... the dooms day prophecy for any relationship. My actions of today scare me..... what is it that I seek? Where is all this going to lead? I was happy in the knowledge that I had none to make me go weak in the knee..... yet today I kneel in front of thee..... seeking answers to questions that I myself cannot answer...... Do not ask me to look within.... do not ask me to search for a solution... I ask you to mend things..... make my life livable again.

These constant batterings to the soul have left me bereft of emotional security......I am reduced to half thinking what is right and what is wrong... trying to remove chaff from the grain that is my soul. My health has taken a lashing..... my mindset a bashing......Am but a sad reflection of my former self.... the regal demeanour replaced by a gaunt look. A ghostly figure...... a spirit in bondage..... I seek inner peace.... nothing else matters.

I spread my wings and soar up high.....

I rested for a while......
 A long while......
And then, I spread my wings.....
And soared up high ....
High in the sky......
Trying to reach for the Sun.....
Trying to move between clouds....
I soared higher and higher..........
The surging thrust.....
The high speed.....
The wind stinging my eyes.....
The tears stealing a way through ....
The corner of my eye......
I close my eyes.....
My lashes soak up the tears.....
I squeeze them shut.... tighter...
And a drop escapes down my cheek.....
I stretch my wings.....
A pain rushes through my muscles.....
I stretch more..... tearing away at my joints......
I spread my wings ... I spread them more.....
I just want to fly away.... far very far.....
Don't know where.....
All alone....Yes, all alone.....
Higher and higher I go....
Where no one can reach me....
No one can hurt me........
My feathers are singed.....
The heat from the blazing Sun.....
Burns my face...
I am but a faceless self....
Unrecognizable to all.....
Now, you can't see me.....
You can't find me......
Am a nameless face amongst the millions....
Teeming the streets of my city.
 Been there, done that........
The adage applies to me....
Am the abominable rolling stone.....
As always rolling away...
Withering with the friction.....
Rolling away towards the end.

Suddenly, something large looms up.....
I don't see it coming....
I had squeezed my eyes shut....
Now, am hit on my head...
I tumble headlong.....
Down I go .....
Down into the ocean I dive.....
Never to surface again.

But, no tears.....
I did spread my wings....
I did soar up high......
I met my end....
Where I wanted it.....
In the depths of the ocean I cherish.....
I lived life....
I really lived it well.....
Albeit a bit late...
Yet I lived.....
No regrets.....
Only confessions before I go.....
Who knows what tomorrow stores....
In its mysterious shadows.

Why does every song remind me of you?......

Hmmmmmm...... Why? Why does every song remind me of you?

Every moment spent in your arms.....
Every blissful hour looking in your eyes....
The songs just say it all.....
Lay all my secrets out....
As though you were writing everything...
Each moment I shared with you.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

You are there besides me....
even though you are far apart...........
 I see you in every bit of nature.....
I see you in every eye....
You are there watching me always....
Am not far apart.....
Just a physical distance....
Two hearts beating in one mind.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

Every word has a meaning....
As though you have told them all...
 Laying bare your heart and soul....
I look for you in every song.....
You are there always..... whenever I need you....
You are aware or not....
But every word I write, I write for you.
Every song reminds me of you ..... yes they do....

It's not the age that sets us apart....
It's not the distance....
It's our differences....
That have brought this moment upon us.....
Yet, far apart......
We keep an eye on each other.....
We care.... yes we do...... yet we cannot be together.....
Blame it on our destinies....
Written by our actions of yesterday......
Yet we love each other unconditionally.....
 We are never far away.

Every song.... every word reminds me of you......

Sparkle says.......

I never left you..... we just drifted apart.
 Am always there... all you have to do is shout out.....
And I shall be there besides you....
You are still family.....
Families never break.....
It's just times that change....
People don't.....
We remain what we are.....
Circumstances change......
Feelings don't......
Remember , I am always there......
All you have to do is call for your family....
And the family will be there.
Sparkle had lost her sparkle.....
She has found it again.....
The glint in the eyes ........
And the sprint in the walk tells all.....
She will never forget you......
The earrings will never let her.....
Nor will the sea green banarasi saree......
Ever leave her wardrobe.....
They all remind her day in and day out.....
Of a beautiful and pure relationship....
A pure and pious man.....
The songs and melodies......
Echo deep within.....
And sparkle knows it all.
Sparkle lost her way.....
Sparkle found her way......
But she lost out on the diamond .....
That was the sparkle in her life.
But deep within....
Sparkle knows.....
She still loves you....
Sparkle has loved and lost many a times....
None left a deeper impact.....
The scar from your separation....
Eats into her conscience.....
But she was true through it all....
A misunderstanding.....
Broke it all......
Yet she stood tall......
In the hope you would understand her stance.....
The distance didn't do much to help....
And we grew apart.
Sparkle reads what you express....
Each day.... looking for a fresh new blog....
She knows, you would let her know....
Through your words of wisdom....
The state of mind you are in....
She still keeps in touch with you....
Although from the shadows within.
Each day, she hopes and prays for your health....
Each day she sends her energy to you.....
She may be in another realm....
Yet she remembers you.
Sparkle says.... thank you.....
Thank you for remembering me......
Hope to meet you again....
As the best of friends that we were.
You made music for me....
I heard you then...
Today I understand it.....
And miss your smile....
Which was the turning point in life....
Am not ashamed of what I feel....
Coz these are feelings pure....
Unabashed I say it all....
You were there then....
You are here now.....
You never left the chamber of heart....
You were locked within.....
Today I unlock the key....
You are a free bird again.
Soar , soar up high...
O' Bird of paradise.....
Rise , rise up and above....
Your time has come....
You have my wishes to carry you through....
Every lake and barrier....
You are a free spirit....
That cannot be locked anywhere.....
Land or the hemisphere....
You are the spirit of love....
You are the spirit of freedom.....
You have no fear.....
That is why you were dear....
Dear then and now too....
Only the equation is very clear.....
You shall always remain in my thoughts....
Never shall you be afar.......
You know which door to knock.....
When you want your family near.

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !: "There are times that I sit and wonder what will become of life. Through good times and bad, Autumn leaves fall and a cool wind gusts by, I s..."