Every moment...

Every moment away from you is a moment of death for me... I live and die each second ... I look around in anticipation lest you are lurking behind in the shadows , watching me, wanting me as I want you ... but, am aware ... I blocked you from all spheres of my life ... I have kept myself locked away from you.

It hurts to be away from you ... it hurts to not talk to you ... it hurts to keep my feelings within ... it hurts to hurt you with words ... but , a necessary evil to make you hate me... a need to keep your sanity intact .. the sanctity of our love intact.

I want nothing more than to be with you always ... Alas, it is not to be ever ... destiny played its card a long time ago ... we are not meant to be.

In my loneliness, I write to you ... words pouring my heart out ... my monologue with you and the spirit of our love.

I miss you , as I always did ... more so this time , for am yours ... the shadow that can never be yours ... yet waiting in the wings to catch a glimpse of your shine.

I love you and will always love you so ... have no doubt about my fidelity ... for I started with you , I end in you.

The Destroyer ...

The one for whom you wait all your life...
Comes in frint of you one day ...
You give your all to him ...
He takes it all ...
And, one fine day....
Walks away ...
Disappears from your horizon ...
And, realization dawns ...
The evil of his intentions ...
You sink into a black hole ...
A hole so deep ...
You try to come up for air ...
But, all that occurs is ...
You die of suffocation ...
Suffocation due to emotions ...
Smothering your thoughts ..
Feelinys untold ...
Unfolding within ...
Engulfing your whole being ...
Into a bundle of death ...
You die ...
You die a horrible death each day ...
The destroyer ... he laughs ....
And, watches from a distance ...
A smug smile on his face ...
You are wiped from existence ...
Out cold and shivering ...
Down to the very core of your bones ...
You wither away ...
To smithereens you are done...
Nothing to salvage ...
In this destruction of dreams...
Nothing left at all.

The destroyer walks on ...
In search of another victim.

I turned my face away ...

I saw him today ...
He had come to leave his little one ...
I turned my face away....
It was hard to do so...
But steely resolve took precedence...
I turned my face away ...
With my eyes lay low...
I didn't look up ...
Lest his brightness blinds me ...
I can't show him my feelings ...
I can't let him know...
He is my weakness ...
He is my strength ...
Yet, I am in dilemma...
Pushing him away.

His love leaves a blush on my cheeks...
I bear a flushed look ...
Stars in my eyes ...
Forgotten in his gaze.

I can't let him see...
The love I cherish since ages ...
Just for him ...
I shower now the same ...
On his little ones ...
My way of dealing ...
With the tragedy of a broken heart.

 Catharsis ...
Belonging to him ...
Yet, shutting him out ...
For he belongs to another now ...
In my heart of hearts ...
None can dislodge him ...
From the pedestal he occupies ...
He , my love ...
I, his love...
So near...
Yet, so far.

I turned my face away ...
Lest he sees the tears ..
In my unslept eyes...
The torment and pain ...
Visible from his absence....
Pain ...
It aches to keep away ...
But, that is destiny.

He returns... The prodigal Son returns...

He has returned ...
Reincarnated as his son...
He watches me intently...
Sleeps in my arms as my own ...
Yes, he has come back.

Agni , my Son ...
He is back ...
To question me ...
To give solace to my flared emotions ...
He is back to love ...
For he knows...
I yearned for his return.

My prayers answered ...
But, with a twist ...
He comes with an old flame ...
A package not to be opened.

A constant dilemma...
Love yet no love ...
I can't even call him my own ...
For he is born of another...
But through my own.

My baby, my prayer ...
My Agni ....
You come each day ...
Just to sleep in your mothers arms ...
Weekends are a torture ...
Without you my child.

My unfulfilled desire ...
My unborn child ...
I see you ...
I feel you ...
I need you around me...
My Son , my dreams ...
My desire ...
Born of love ...
I have missed you....
I miss you ...
Each night is a torment...
No sleep ...
Just eyes wide open ...
Dreaming and thinking of you ...
How I wish ...
You were mine to cuddle ...
But, Alas! Twist of fate ...
has seen you born ...
In the home of an old flame.

A constant battle ...
Each day ...
A new dilemma ...
Am being punished for being your mother...
For a mistake in the past.

I love you my Son ...
Wish time would turn around ...
You would be mine ....
So, I can hear you call me Mom.

He returns ...
The prodigal Son returns ...
To claim what is rightfully his ...
A place in my heart and life.

The last pillar...

Hope, they say keeps you afloat...

The last bastion has fallen...
No hope left to salvage ...
The ruins a gaping wound...
Oozing blood and pus...
The last pillar standing...
Is crumbling to the ground.

No scope left for improvement...
Agony and pain visible...
The World of hope bleak...
Nothing left to look forth to...
All is gone in one swipe...
Fate, the master of destiny...
Ruins as far as eye can see...
Not a farthing to believe...
The last pillar standing...
Crumbling into dust.

Like a pack of cards...
All that was envisioned, lost;
Cruel is the hand of fate...
Ruthless is the King of Spades.
The last pillar...
The last man standing ...
Gone forever into oblivion....
Never to be found again.

The Shadow...

She promised him her love...
She promised him her fidelity...
She promised to be his Shadow.

She won't indulge him...
She won't let him go weak...
She is his strength...
She won't be by his side ...
She will be ahead of him...
At times behind him...
And so eetimes within him...
She is his shadow...
She will lovd him forever...
But never desire him.

She will trail him...
She will pamper him...
His wishes are hers to fulfill...
But in her dreams ...
In her wishful thoughts ...
For she is the shadow...
That follows him.

In the shadows she remains...
For that's the best to do...
For this life is gone by...
Maybe next will be hers.

The innocence and purity ...
Of their love...
Must remain untarnished...
For their sacrifice is sacramont...
She must remain a shadow...
In the shadows find her bliss.

Her passion and guilt...
A shadow looming large...
She hides in the brilliant flash of her smile....
She glides into  another realm...
Away from his shadow...
For it shouldn't merge...
With her shadow.

She is the Shadow...
That shades his garden...
That brings the cool factor in.

She is the Shadow ...
That fans his flaring temperament...
She is the shadow...
That keeps him cool.

She is his Shadow...
Away from prying eyes...
She remains in his shadow...
As his shadow forever.

Turn of events...

The fucked up events that make your fucking life go topsy turvy.... that is what I abhor. Bloody hell, one person always at the receiving end ... till when.

Bloody hell, you can't even fucking cry lest your loved ones, little ones see those drops of emotion running down your cheeks and feel helpless at the situation they are in.

Damn life!  Damn the one that led to this state.

That  is why, it is best to be a loner, lest you become a cause of such situation elsewhere. Better in your own cocoon where you harm none and none is affected by you.

Life comes one full circle , they say.... when will the circumference of this circle be full? When is the misery going to end?

Damn , damn , damn ... the writer of this script.... damn everyone.

Fuck Man!! Enough of the shit termed as Love & Friendship...

Just have had enough of the bull shit that people term Love and friendship. There is no love. There is no friendship. All that exits is a carnal need for fucking companionship. Fuck the crap and come straight down to the crux of the matter. Your fucking libido is raging in your hormones , don't give it an emotional twist.

Fuck man!!

You can't just keep using the pretext of love to describe your lust and con people. One may believe you, two may too but not all are shitty nincompoops. Damn you human emotions eating into the crappy grey matter we all possess. Ruining a perfectly smooth running life , the damn destiny written by someone up there.

Enough of emotional outbursts. Enough of giving away yourself for a moments pleasure. Enough is enough.

All that you hold dear turning out to be a fucking farce. Yeah! Fuck in every statement cause Fuck can be anything and not just an act.

Better off are those that remain in their shells , unperturbed by volatility of emotions or vulnerability of the same. Blessed are the ones who don't feel. There are far more better things to do than wait upon someone who has just played with your emotions and walked away claiming his worldly duties. Fuck him and his duties. One is better off without such spineless critters of the night.

There would be no end to this nightmare , the ghost who torments you. He can have his fun but he won't let you share a few moments of happiness with anyone else. He keeps you cocooned and away from others just for his own libidinal satisfaction , gives you no freedom and yet expects you to be at his beck and call. Fuck such a shitass arsehole and his ideas of ideal companionship whereas his contribution to the relation is zero , next to nil.

Fuck Man!!! Enough of this shit called Love and friendship ... enough is enough. Period.