Hurting you.........

Hurting you wasn't what I intended , but you left me with no choice. I was hurting too, somewhere deep down I still do. It wasn't meant to end the way it did...... hurting you was not what I had in mind.

Today, when I look back and pull our relationship apart piece by piece, I realize it was doomed from the beginning itself. As Kafi Bulleh Shah rightly put it, you are a Ramtaa Jogi, flowing water which cannot stay still at any given place or point in time. You were meant to touch our lives and go. So feel liberated that there's no ill feeling towards you just a sigh that it ended so bitterly.... leaving an aftertaste which wouldn't allow me to ever trust another person again.

After a lot of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I had to give you the benefit of doubt for you know not what you are doing. You have too many issues and aches and pains to deal with in your life and you are alone. You don't want to share your pain with anyone, but expect people to be around you. How can anyone understand you, if you move with a placard around your neck saying ' Do not Disturb'? Your loneliness is your own doing.... Your melancholic demeanor is a direct result of you thwarting people away and closeting yourself in the confines of your own four walls of depression.

You got a shot at life, you missed. Hurting you wasn't in my agenda. So, harbor no illusions that I shall ever turn and look back searching for you, I won't. I was there, you overlooked and went ahead after trivial pursuits in life. I was left standing staring at blank space, with nothing to do and no one to look forward to. I was stranded, I was marooned by the one person who I solely depended upon. I had to move on, I wasn't alone... I had to pick up the shards of my life and go on living for my loved ones. Ones, who being young still stood by my side and were my strength.

Hurting you was never there in my list.... but you left me no choice.

Designs.........

I have designs on you......... ;-)

Gotcha! Off guard!!

Yes, I do have designs on you..... designs to make a beautiful life together with you. Give you happiness that skirted you and went elsewhere. Yes, as you put it pretty well... It's never too late in life.

So what, if our youth has been lost somewhere down the line? We still have our enthusiasm bubbling youthfully within us. Right?

We still have some time left on Earth between us to forge a new beginning. Have no apprehensions, am there with you like a shadow, one step behind you, supporting you all the way. Even the shadow leaves you when it is night, I won't. I shall be the gentle breeze that will ruffle your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear and never let you down.

I do not write a very flowery ode ever. My words are simple and clear, no frills attached to them. They express what I feel in my heart and what I think in my mind. I do not mince words to convince you. I don't have to. I guess, you know me better than I do myself. Plain and simple, like my feelings for you, am a clear page where you write your poetry, so that we can make great music together some day. We have begun the journey, there's no looking back. I express myself through my words, coz I know you look forward to this opening of my heart everyday. I write for you and you only.

You have given me a reason to live life once again, and I am not going to let go of this moment with you. I cherish every word you say. I love you and every moment am with you virtually.

I love the way you look at me and it makes my heart flutter. I have dreams and designs.... designs on you.

More on memories.....

Memories linger on.... good and bad. I embraced my good memories and erased the bad ones. Had to ... the trauma from past relationships was pulling me down... there came a breaking point and I was at the precipice, the end of my journey, with nowhere else to go.... had to let go, to forge new bridges to cross the great abyss. When I took the plunge with faith, I swear the path came into full view and I started treading on it. My good memories helped build the bridge and it's a continuous process. The task of being in harmony and sync with goodness and happier times is an uphill one, but what the heck, am enjoying every bit of the adventure with a great guide by my side. this guide is my good memory, the only good thing I remember from my past......... he brings a smile to my weary lips every time I think of him and it is every second of the day.

Thank you my love, for coming back in my life. If it weren't for you, I would still be trudging the by lanes of memories and feeling sick about it. You have made me forget every ache and pain I felt all these years. You have given me the most memorable moments of my life... my memories to keep forever. These moments, these snippets of memories, I shall cherish forever... coz you are the lead character that makes this play a great success. The stage is set and we are the characters , we enact our roles, get into the skin of our characters and give the best performance of our lives. Let our life and times be a tale to tell for ages to come, seldom are love stories a success.... Ours is what history is made of, what old wives tales are made of.

Our memories, yours and mine would remain etched in the minds of the world. We would be the talk of the town and when our story is passed down from generation to generation, I am telling you my dear, we would find our place in history. We would be a pleasant memory and a great story for lovers, of tomorrow.

You and I, are no more a memory, we will make beautiful memories together.

Dreams....

Dreams are what all the stuff is made of. The world goes round coz of dreams. Dreams fuel every frenzy and invention.

I too have a dream. I dream of being in the arms of my lover, my paramour. Always remaining in those warm arms in an embrace for eternity. It's a dream... a dream only it might remain. But I can go on dreaming, no one can pull the reins in, to my dreams. No one can snatch my dreams away from me. No one can take them away from me.

My dreams make me complete, a whole. My dreams pull me on, egg me on to stay on the path, believing and praying, hoping someday they would come true. This time I won't be defeated by setbacks. Am going to stand tall and strong, I will wait. It's a sweet pain, am ready to gamble all for. My dreams are my own and I shall wait and watch.

I know he loves me too. We are bound by our limitations. I am ready to wait.... lifelong. I want to be the strength in his life not his weakness. I want to see him happy and smiling always.... am willing to lay down my life for his well being. I will go on dreaming, till my dreams come true.

Dreams will keep me warm, dreams will keep me on the track, dreams will give me a reason to smile and live. So am going to dream on.... always.

Memories...

With the passage of time, memories are all that one is left with. No one even to share it with. On a melancholy note each day, you are regaled with nostalgia of days bygone. Moments that will never visit you again. All you are left is with a few memorabilia of a past that seems as fresh as a daisy or as hazy as a fog.

Memories can liberate you or hold you down and not let you create new ones. It's like salt , the right amount brings forth the flavor and too much ruins the taste. If we constantly hold on to a past that could never be, we will ruin our present and future. So, stop delving in the past and look into the Now and the tomorrow.

We are all prisoners of time. Warped and wrapped in its folds. Memories then and now, good or bad are all stations along the way... our train has to chug along and make its stopovers depending on how big that station is.

Move on from memories that haunt you each day, each second... move on and create your new world. take that step forward and you will find there are countless who will join you in your journey.

Move on... Let go of your memories.

What am I getting into?

Am I doing the right thing at this moment? Is the moment right for what I am getting myself involved in? Am I really game for this entirely different ball game? Gosh, questions galore. The ultimate dilemma over what I intend to do with my life and times.

Should I go solo? Or, should I remain employed with somebody for the rest of my able life? Oh God! Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma and no solution in sight. So many lost opportunities to lament about and so many new avenues opening up.

Every which way, life at home will be disrupted. What should I do? Should I see my comfort or sacrifice it all as a mother? Opportunities seldom knock at your door, a new horizon beckons me, so does a new land. The lure of the green buck is tremendous but so is the tug at heart.

Should I be gone en route my journey to a brighter life ahead in a distant land or should I fore go everything for the company and laughter of my innocent ones? There is a lot to weigh as pros and cons, but what is it that I seek? Is it fortune and fame or a blissful life ahead?

The decision is not mine to make alone. The journey is not mine to go alone. There is a lot on stake here today, the lure of fame and fortune or the call of loved ones. Should I cling onto my belief or let go with my faith? A dilemma, a constant dilemma between belief and faith.

Of course, there is no one to question me. Yet, I query myself. There is no one to stop me, yet I halt and wonder. What is it that beckons me and what is it that stalls my feet?

I have lost my sleep over it again and again. Have come to no conclusion yet. Till when shall I dilly dally, when shall the dawn , dawn upon me. A dilemma, a constant dilemma; robbing me of my peace of mind, stripping me naked with half baked truth. What do I believe, my faith or my belief?

The strife in my mental make up continues, while I waste my time away. This dilemma is causing the world around me to tumble and come crashing down. What do I do, to rid myself of all my doubts and apprehensions? What do I do to get on ahead with my life? A dilemma, a constant dilemma robbing me of my peace of mind.

What am I getting into... ruing about my life? There is no ifs and buts, just a simple decision to make and a commitment to keep. What am I getting into.... I have connections to make and undertakings to take care of. There is so much to do, yet so little time. What am I doing, wasting my life away? What am I doing, dilly dallying my time away?

There is a lot to fathom, a lot to comprehend. I can't just dive in and take the plunge. What am I getting myself into? I don't know. There is a deep abyss behind me and a path enveloped in fog ahead. Where should I turn to..... into the unknown ahead or like a coward turn around?

The path is rugged and winds through unyielding terrain ahead, yet I desire to plow on, lest I be left behind. I have promised myself roses, aware that there are thorns attached to them. I have dreamt of stars in the dark aware of the distance between them and me. I have gifted life to me, aware of the cost involved in it.

What am I getting into... is no more a dilemma to me. I know for sure, there's no bed of roses awaiting me, yet am confident I can trudge alone. No doubt, the journey is long and lonesome, yet somewhere deep down, am sure , am not alone. There is a spirit guiding me, lighting the way ahead, with angels thrown in for added charisma and drama, to keep the travel entertained.

What am I getting into? A good question to ponder and wonder about. Now there is no time to waste on musings, it's the time to dream and dream big I shall.

Lost and Found.........

I was shattered when I lost you, I was elated when you found me. A cat and mouse game, some would say. The chase is on, is it? I don't know how to react.... so am pouring my feelings out. Am feeling so helpless, a hapless victim of circumstances. A victim of self created path of destruction.

Why do I have to go snooping around turning every stone upside down.... trying to find a past resplendent glory of yours? Why do I rake up muck, making it difficult for both you and me to seek happiness together? Why , oh why?

Why can't I remain happy in the knowledge that you love me ever so more? Why can't I be happy with thoughts of our union? Why can't I just be happy when you say you are there for life? Why can't I let go of past, yours and mine too? Why am I bound to matters long past... that don't hold an ounce of conviction in them anymore? Why, oh why?

It's happiness lost and found. I don't want to lose you again. Not anymore, shall I let anyone snatch you away from me. How selfish of me? Yet, all my life, I have given of me selflessly to what purpose? Today, I want to live, live for myself too. Am I wrong in desiring you, even today?

Tell me my love, that you will be there always. Pacify this sinking heart. Strengthen the bond between us. A bond no force can break. Am waiting, have waited far too long... Bless me and mend my broken wings.

Love you with all my heart and bared my soul to you. What more do you ask for?

I lost you and found you again.....

For your eyes only....

For your eyes only, do I express in words what otherwise would have been lost with the passing breeze.

For your eyes only, do I wake up each morning, to look into those expressive doe eyes and see the world of love just for me.

For your eyes only, do I make my state beautiful, to see the joy in those beautiful eyes on seeing me dressed just for you.

For your eyes only, do I express myself, coz I know you are the only one who is going to read what I write as it's only for you that I put down my thoughts and emotions everyday.

Each day you ask me, whether I have written anything and I write only for your eyes only.

Each night, I sleep in your arms looking into those beautiful eyes and for your eyes only I live each moment of my life.

For your eyes only....

When you look at me , it causes a flutter in my heart, a feeling that be known to lovers only.

When you express your undying love for me, I go jelly in my knees and wish I had wings to fly to you and be in your arms forever.

For your eyes only, I pour my heart out in a poetic rendition, coz I know you love every word I write for you.

For your eyes only, I keep my brazen self in check, coz it's only for you to see the wild child in me.

For your eyes only.......

For you this ice maiden will thaw, coz you have the fire that I keep hidden within the confines of the depth of my heart.

You have given a new meaning to my life then and now.... you are the harbinger of change within. Many came and left, they couldn't change me, they tried, they gave up.... but you just have to look at me and I melt. For you I can take on anything, even change for the better. For your eyes only does this person live an ever longing life.

You need not worry about my feelings changing for you, they never did in the last two decades, they won't ever. They only mature and become wiser with age and time. For your eyes only, does this soul exist.

For your eyes only.........