A poem by Pablo Neruda.... love it

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Turmoil within,,,,,,

Damn these mood swings. They lead to so many turmoils deep within especially emotional ones.

The ifs and buts, the pros and cons just play and replay constantly in one's mind making thinking totally clogged up and there seems to be no escape from this dilemma.

Why do we let other people's behaviour upset us? Why are we upset by what's happening in their lives? Why do we bother even? Gosh, being human is such a pain. It dulls you and numbs your logic.Your cognitive abilities are clouded by emotions and you end up taking erroneous decisions.

One moment you are happy and in a blissful state and the next moment you are a bundle of crumpled nerves. Been there done that and yet going through the rut once again. No, I have no time for all this now..... need to move on.

Dr Help! Yelp... bail me out of this situation. Make me smile with one of your PJs. I haven't smiled today and can you imagine me without a smile ever?

Help me smile... please

Err.......... Excuse me

Excuse me please... I say, when I see you

Excuse me my exigencies

Excuse me my faults

Excuse me my ambition or lack of it

Excuse me my thoughts

Excuse me my inhibition

Excuse me my exhibition

For I know not what I am doing

Blogging my life away...

Excuse me my serendipitous nature

Excuse me my lack of know how

Excuse me my stupidity

Excuse me my idiosyncrasy

Excuse me my jealousy

For I know not what I am doing

Giving it all away...

Err... excuse me... but am not waiting any more

For I have found peace elsewhere

Excuse me but you lost the chance

When you said goodbye

You lost the day, you turned your face away

For I know one thing for sure, you are not gonna be there ever

When I really needed you

You left me confused and battered

To fight my demons and waste my life away

For I know one thing for sure, it was my fault all the way

To let you affect and influence my thoughts

To crush my beliefs and break my trust

Your lies are not what I am going to believe anymore

Excuse me for I have moved on...

With no sparkling smile again... wiped off my memory bank

Leading a dull life... I move on in search of a new destiny

Err... excuse me , sparkle I shall no more for the polish has worn off

The diamond has turned to dust... the feelings to rust

All that is left behind is a vast barren expanse

Where no flower shall bloom again...

For you crushed the seeds on your way out... when you walked away

Excuse me.... I am not waiting anymore

Kaanfused..............

After riding the waves, it's time to lay low. Let the mixed feeling ebb away else the mad rush of high tide might sweep me away. I need some me time to introspect. I need time to think , what I desire from life. I have to become self smart to take on any wave and surf the different waves of life.

At this moment, I feel life has become a big joke, throwing brickbats at times and laying flowers on my path at times. Am confused and confused I am.

I need time to rethink my priorities and logic. All this makes no sense. Suddenly there is too much happening in life and too fast. Need my space to sort out this sudden flush of events.

Basically, plain and simple, I am confused. Period. Can write no more.... the flow of thoughts is way too fast to keep pace with......... Ciao

I am afraid ...

Images from days bygone whirr like a movie reel in front of my eyes and am able to recall them in a moment although it took a lifetime to live through them.Memories I thought had faded away , remain firmly etched on my mind.

Am surprised at my behaviour. Despite all the ups and downs in life am still hopeful that one day happiness shall knock on my door. I don't understand , why do I get carried away by my emotions?Why am I even getting into the groove and talking to anyone? I am letting people read me like an open book. I must not. I must become reclusive again, there is peace in being in that state and frame of mind.

I am afraid of getting hurt again. Earlier , I was young, I could take the blow; now I can't. Images of yesteryears happy moments bring a smile on my lips yet a painful sigh escapes through them, when the wound opens up. Why did it happen to me?The days become a living hell when am flooded with these memories good and bad. Why did I open Pandora's box?

There is a constant conflict eating me away like white ants. I must switch off before I end up hurting myself and others in the process. I don't have the strength of youth to hold me steadfast against the lightening and thunder of the storms of life.... I must switch off.

In the dusk of my life, I must walk alone deep into the realms of darkness, I must walk alone...

Confessions of a Shopaholic... ;-)

Am I picking on someone? Nah, picking on myself. I simply go ballistic where it comes to shopping. Then all the well planned budget lined shopping list goes for a toss and all that comes home is junk which is really not needed.

Not joking, seriously. I make a long shopping list and go out and when I reach the shopping mall, I forget the list exists , I just start buying stuff without trying them on or really checking the size and always end up with a wardrobe full of clothes one size smaller. Sigh, yeah I should try the clothes on in the trial room, but I don't have the patience to do trials and end up with errors this way.

I rarely go shopping. But, when I do my bank balance goes on the negative side . This pinches my bottom where I pocket my wallet. A lady carrying a wallet!!! Yup, am different. I wear checked shirts with jeans , sometimes with a half jacket thrown in and a pair of sneakers for easy walkability. Total faltu look. I stroll into malls with my eye candy son and bodyguard (bouncer) daughter and then the journey begins. I always and only buy shoes for my son. He just seems to be growing by the minute and his shoes shrink by the second. My daughter is a basketball fan and player, so she ends up buying basketball paraphernalia apart from the regular Barbies and stuffed toys and treats.

A visit to the mall is just a pretense for whetting our appetites for good food. It can never be complete without visiting Mad Over Donuts and gorging down dozens of Doughnuts and getting another dozen packed for home. One more favourite haunt is Aromas of China and boy do we love the chinese delicacies that they dole out. Then , there is Pizza hut for one for the road kinda snack.

In all this melee, you must be wondering when do I do my shopping. Well am a different kind of shopper. If I am happy, I don't buy anything for myself. If I am sad, then shopping is my catharsis and I end up splurging and buying everything off the shelves whether they are needed or not. Psst, my home is a junkyard of stuff bought in a huff.

But, this is not real shopping. Real shopping used to happen when there were no malls around and we would go to Colaba in SoBo (South Bombay) and buy stuff from shops big and small and top it with the most authentic pasta at Cafe' Churchill and Bade Miyaan's kebabs, falooda kulfi and ragda patties at Kailash Parbat. The list is endless. Those times are long past buried in the pages of history. Now, it is an artificial environment to shop in with a plastic card to make the payment with.

Shopping is no more fun today. It's just a necessity to spend that extra buck one earns with the boost in the economy. Earlier, it used to be an affair with our senses... gastronomic and sensual. Now, it is business as usual with no time for family and family values. It's just a status symbol to shop at a happening shopping mall, coz that's the place you ought to be seen at.

I dream of going shopping. But, at leisure and in my own sweet time with someone who wouldn't mind holding............ no, not my hand silly... my purse. Then , I don't have to carry my wallet... it would be in the purse silly again. You thought , I expect the guy to pay, hai na? Yes, I do. What's wrong in expectations, although things have always been the other way round with me. I must say, it's been a nightmare in the past few relationships where I always ended up paying for my rascal dates. Men these days aren't made of the stuff a man should be made of. Now, don't go asking what that stuff is.

On that note, I shall end this blog... this was just made up coz am tired of waiting for someone to resume chat with me... waiting coz he has gone SHOPPING.

The Great Gambler....

Beautiful movie... with the most lilting and haunting song... one of my favourite songs ......

Am I game for a gamble? Will have to think about it.

So far life has been a big gamble for me. It is for everyone, not me alone. But then, this is my blog so am gonna showcase my gamble. At every step we pay a price for it, whether we like it or not. But, we emerge richer in experiences, don't we all.

It's the outlook we portray that sets us apart, as losers or winners all the way.... some people laugh all their way to the bank but are they really rich and some win the battle despite the defeat. Am one of the few losers who has always brushed the dirt off her skirt after falling down and emerged richer in experiences. It's mellowed me a bit but not much ... good, else how do I add spice to the gossip mongers rues and tales about me and my life. How do I leave them out on the juicy details of my brush with an experience those staid and bored housewives can only dream of.... I could write volumes on bored housewives tales.... but leave it for another day and another time , in another blog... if I remember.

So, we were at 'GAMBLING'. I wouldn't want to change anything about gambling my life away, it was fun then, it's fun now and believe me at the moment am enjoying reliving my life in bits and pieces and trying to join it as one whole. Wow! What a life!!! You have to be born as me to live and appreciate this gamble.

Chalo, will gamble a bit more and write in the juicy details later.

Twilight of my life...

In the twilight of my life, when I find myself alone

In the twilight of my life, when I walk alone

In the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer

You come shining right through the tunnel of life

Stopping me midway,

making me wonder,

making me think,

making me blush once again......

Why in the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer?

The sails of my boat are tattered and torn,

The wheel that drives the ship has broken,

The rudder moves aimlessly

And, you have come to the rescue?

Why now, when I have nothing to offer?

Except my blues,

my pain,

my worries,

There is nothing else on the platter to serve you O Master.

Why now, when I have come to the end of the chapter in the book of life?

Why now, when the story has ended?

Why now, when there is no music left to play?

WHY NOW???