How can you?

How can you remember every word I said?

How can you remember every word I wrote?

How can you remember what I wore?

How can you remember what I made for you?

How can you remember where we went?

How can you......

I forgot everything, down the by lanes of time,

I forgot I existed, with passing time,

I forgot you, but you existed in the subconscious,

But still I forgot you.......

How did you find me?

How did you still remember me?

Why do you keep me in your heart still?

Questions , questions and questions....

I need an answer.........

Are you game?

Will you answer?

Lost and found........

Just like Goldilocks, I lost myself in the jungle and mayhem of life a long long time ago.

Juggling responsibilities and chores, I forgot I existed even.

Then , along came a smart ass and I felt nice. I felt everything was hunky dory, I gave of myself, a large chunk of emotional wealth to this glittering and sparkling asshole little realizing that all that glitters ain't gold. When I fell, I fell flat on my face. It hurt, and real bad too.

I lamented, why me. I cried, why me. I went crazy, why me. I kept it all. bottled inside me, all the why me queries troubling me, giving me sleepless nights.

Then , out of the blue, suddenly I found something I was looking for, a strong shoulder to cry on and I found my friend , who today is an integral part of my life. My punching bag , whom I punch with all my feelings good and bad. Can you believe, I have never met this friend of mine, but in the virtual world and he is there for me to rely on always. It's a new found friendship, a partnership that is not based on selfish reasons but on trust and care. He makes sure , if I am down and out, he should make me smile. and, believe me he has a knack for doing this stuff. He brings a smile on everybody's lips and is dependable. My friend, I love you for being there when I needed someone to wipe my tears. Thanks for standing by my side and giving me the time to get over the mess I had created in my life.

Then, while all this was going on, along came the person, who made a huge difference in my life. Someone who changed the course of my life some two decades ago and man, am I glad he did. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind, I had to find a reply to those. No clarifications, just plain replies and I got them. There are many more Mister, you have to answer them all. I feel nice when I speak to him whether it be the virtual world of Facebook chat (Incidentally , where we met again) or just plain calls, I feel nice.

It's like there is someone up there, who decided; Well! We have tested her enough, let's give her this chance to be happy once again. So, I won't say I have found love once again but yes, I have found friends, dependable people.

Anyways, you fall in love only once, the first time, after that it' s just a repeat telecast with different people cast in the same role. But, the effect and impact of the original can never be matched by others. They can't don the mantle of your dream hero, the lead character was created only once keeping only one person in mind. You can't replace the original with a fake.

So, I lost once and then kept losing (at one point I thought I was the biggest loser) but I found what I had lost, albeit the circumstances then and now have changed.... What the heck? Who cares? I do, but I found my 'favourite toy' once again and that is what matters to me and nothing else. somebody is not going to like the term 'favourite toy' but at 3am in the morning, when I am dead drunk and nearly dozing off, no other word comes to my mind dear. Spare me the rod and bring that smile on your lips... coz u still are the top contender for the largest piece of my broken heart. LOL

So, there goes the sob story of lost and found........ wrote it coz I know, this is the first thing you would want to read in the morning when the sun rises in the East.

You inspire me.... you believe in me........ you know what I feel like and when........ Do I need to go on further? Nah, let the moral pundits wrack their brains over this and lemme go get a shut eye before the dawn begins.... a new chapter in my life.

Stretching....

Am into stretching these days. Why? Can't gym na, so am stretching to music and enjoying every bit of getting back in shape slow and steady. That's the physical aspect of stretching... now onto other aspects of stretching.

I am stretching my imagination. I dream too, but with my eyes open, so that I don't forget the realities that surround me and my world. My imagination knows no bounds and am not bound by the veracities of life. My world of imagination transports me into a world which is picture perfect and there's no pain there only happiness.... reality sucks.

I am stretching my limits emotionally. I can be a nervous bundle of hurt and pain too and I want to experience the maximum ... wanna check the threshold of my limit. The point where I might break down, I do break down but I bounce back... am a ball and having a ball of a time bouncing through the waves of emotions that sometimes seem to engulf me and threaten to drown me. I surface from it gasping for air and then diving into the problem head on once again to test my limit.

I am stretching myself exploring the spirituality that everyone talks about. I have yet to become spiritual, but I do stretch myself into believing what all these great saints and pundits say. Nah, am not an atheist but I do question a lot.

I am stretching myself always, seeking answers where there are none...No wonder, they christened me 'Tell me Why series'.

At the end of it.....I love being comfortable in my skin!! Whoever has got a problem.. is free to leave.. :D.......................... somebody retweeted this and I said what the heck... it's true and applies to me.

Let it be my motto for today.. and lemme pick the threads up from where I left them trying to please others. Stretch...bend.... stretch.... move on.

Sob blogging............

Yup, that set me thinking.... a casual remark from a blast from the past.

Of course , on second thoughts , come to think of it.... when I re-read my blogs , I found that most of them were just rantings about things gone sour. No one knows better but old flames , how lovable I can actually be. so, this blog is for you Mister. No sob story here but something nice about getting on with your life keeping your worries behind you.

Don't worry be happy... Let this be your motto in life henceforth.

All good things take their own sweet time to arrive in your life. like it is said ... sabra ka phal meetha hota hai.... and who would know it better than the lambi race ka ghoda. ;-)

Am grinning from ear to ear as is my trademark style... yes , this is what am in a mood to do and express the happiness in knowing that someone somewhere still remembers you. Psst... I wish all of them remembered me this way... and I guess they do.... I leave a lasting impression in peoples minds and..... hearts too. That's my persona..... sounding so narcissistic.

This ain't a sob blog today, all the good old memories came flooding back and I said Oh my god! how could I forget the most beautiful moments of my life. This is a nostalgic journey into days bygone.... but beautiful memories. It's hampering my written words as those golden moments are just flitting past and reminding me . Gosh! must stop before am gushing all over the page , like an over zealous and over grown , deeply infatuated teenager that I once was.

We all have our ups and downs in life, and that certainly was the high tide of my life. A tsunami that swept my senses away, it changed the entire course of my life.... and am glad it did. I wouldn't be here today, had it not been there. I wouldn't wish to want to change this destiny ever.

Thank you Mister, for being the perpetrator of the change that made me what I am today. You deserve a treat for this.... and for instigating me to change the mood of my blogs too.

This blog is dedicated to you. Inspire me some more.

Living life........ seeking inner peace

Living life on your terms and conditions ain't as easy as it seems. When you decide to do so, you are alone in your journey, no one supports you and all eyes watch you. You become the example to be followed if you are a success or the jibe of all jokes and nasty remarks if your life is fraught with hindrances.

Does anyone else's opinion really matter? What the heck! It's your life. Go on live it for yourself. you came alone and shall go alone, no one accompanied you and nor shall anybody go with you. Of course, along the journey, some might walk besides you for some time but not forever. It's your journey and how you travel.......... whether you enjoy it or find no solace in it.

It's easy to break all ties in a moment of desperation and very difficult to get it all back again. Because , you have hurt others to embark on your pilgrimage, to find peace, to seek yourself but, what about the others who were there for you through thick and thin?

This isn't enlightenment or your spiritual leanings, it's selfish motive.

Finish your duties to self and others and then move on. No one will miss you but yes, they will remember you as a selfless being, one who lived for others and someone people could lean on when down and out.

Follow your heart, the rest will follow... you don't have to go into the forest or the mountaintop to find inner peace, it's within you ; all you have to do is seek it within. Dance your blues away or compose your calmness quotient, it's all in your hands.

Life isn't easy, nor is moksha.............. you have to live life to find moksha and it's deeper meaning.

Wondering , why I wrote this?.................... Because, I found my inner peace in a crowd.

What others think or preach, matters not; what matters is what you think and how you conduct yourself for your own betterment as a human being.

Because......... at the end of it , it is your journey and you have to travel alone.

Beyond today...

Yesterday is passe.... beyond today, my tomorrow beckons me. I latch onto it bag, baggage and bandwagon. I don't know, what lies ahead but am game for some adventure. It's been a long time since I went out without knowing what to do next. Time to get the spirit back in form.

There will be hurdles to cross, muddy patches to jump over... but, what the heck? Am game for it.

I want to do something different from what I have been doing so far, albeit in and around what am in...Education. Revolutionize the idea of parallel teaching and learning, take the classes out in the open, rope in the concept of Room to Roam....so much mulling in my head. This is not possible if I work with somebody, I have to open my own school. I want technology to come to school and take the children out.

Creative thoughts and innovative ideas crowd my mind, causing a traffic jam, leaving me blank . What with the speed with which these ideas and thoughts come at me, am taken aback and my mind works faster than my fingers... which leaves me at a loss since the ideas evaporate in seconds of being the light bulbs to awaken the thought process within me or by the time I gather my paper and pen , they are a distant thought... and a new one takes form...again to cause trauma to my sense and sensibilities.

Am gunning to start afresh, but lack of funds stops my progress. Am halted midway by the crunch.... space crunch, moolah crunch, crunch in finding the right talent for carrying my work ahead........ so after all the mulling and fretting and fuming , I end up going back to the pavilion.... DUCK OUT.

On second thoughts.............

I was thinking and thinking.... the process went on for a couple of days. Days where emotions ran high and dry and I was getting nowhere. Then , suddenly out of the blue a person appeared in my life, long buried memories and feelings came flooding back and I said to myself, gosh ... when I am going through an emotional turmoil , why this? there has to be a meaning to it. And then, one of the moments flashed by...... a moment when he had said...........

"If you love someone set them free, If they come back , they were yours else they were never yours."

On second thoughts, it makes a whole lot of sense now.

Of course, the bird is back but it's different now. Circumstances have changed, profiles have changed, I have changed as a person. But, on second thoughts, have the feelings changed?

No, the feelings haven't changed but yes they have matured like wine and like a mature woman , I have become mellifluous. There was so much pent up within me, it was stifling me and all my subsequent relationships......... it's smoothened out now.

On second thoughts, it did me good. Of course, when you are going through the heartache you don't realise it, but when you look back from where you started and where you have reached not ended, you heave a sigh of relief and say to yourself, it could have been worse. These thoughts keep you moving and grooving to your own music.

There's more to the thoughts and the process... but not now.... am going deeper into my thoughts now.

I cook....

Yup, I do cook. Barely well enough to pass the through the intestines. It's an art which I have to perfect, but dunno how. Why? Because I can't follow rules and cooking needs discipline and that's what lacking in me.... a sense of discipline. I don't seem to follow anything, any work through to completion in cooking. It bores me to follow tried and tested methods of cooking. I love to experiment and I certainly have guinea pigs at home to try my experiments on. ???... My Kids.

After school, they dread coming home, now that am on a sabbatical from work ..... what has that got to do with my kids dread... a lot. I cook for them. LOL

Now, they have to eat what I prepare and swear the expression on their faces are like, when is she going to start working and stop torturing us with her recipes. That's another thing that that at the end of the day most of what I have cooked goes in the bin.

Oh, but I do cook with a lot of passion infused in my psyche for cooking. Albeit, it turns into a new discovery each time. I put on music and wear my sneakers and dance while I cook. It's fun, I swear. But, there are times when I prepare tea alongside my cooking and end up putting tealeaves in the pasta or salt in the tea. I can be a bit absent minded though I swear it's not intentional. Once I put cumin powder in my coffee and for a long time wondering always why the coffee didn't taste like coffee at all. The prowess to discern between condiments and coffee seems to be lacking in me.

Every time I prepare Kidney beans (Rajma) the north Indian style, I end up with masala soup and the beans settled in the bottom of the vessel. It's very embarrassing. My kids tell me, mom let's order the food from a restaurant but you don't burn your calories conjuring up crap for us.

Oh , that calls for recalling the fact that I am a very clumsy cook. I always end up chopping my fingers, chipping my nails or burning my hands. I am designing a protective gear for avoiding these mishaps in future.

All in all, said and done, am a passionate cook. I bring passion into my cooking and I swear , the bloopers mentioned above are entirely true but so is the fact that I cook and I cook well. I experiment with cooking and 99% times it is a success, I do not chronicle my successful recipes they are there in my mind and memory and shall be buried or burnt and laid to rest with my mortal remains later. The secret of my cooking is LOVE. I cook for the love of cooking and for my loved ones. My brothers and sisters love the fish and rabbit I make. My kids love my pastas. My sister in law loves my Indian food. But, everybody loves the south Indian dishes I dish out. But, the crown goes to my cakes, muffins, cookies and cheesecakes.

There's more........... the list is endless.......... I can really cook but need patronage to inspire and motivate me to cook.