Retro mood.....

Yup in a retro mood..... listening to old depressing hindi songs and remembering all the souls whom I met in my journey of life and left behind..... not my fault.... they couldn't keep pace with me.. I had to move on.... lest they see that I was hurting too, leaving them behind in my quest to look for myself... to search for me.......... all that mattered was me.... no one else............ so selfish yet so selfless........

Confessional mode of operation...... letting it all out........... just like that..... It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul and yet expect the other person to understand your stance in a relationship....no holds barred yet no strings attached.

We all have our demons attached to our souls that just remain there, stuck to your persona.... never letting go.... a knot in the string that doesn't allow you to go back but cajoles you to move on....... keeping that ache within, tears at bay not dropping a drop, lest the world thinks you are a weakling..... a brave front for the world to see.... yet bleeding within...... heavy heart and heavy footsteps... egging your soul to move on .... move on I did.... but a resolve to never let anyone hurt me again... ever.

When you came back in my life.... I was apprehensive, but you told me you were back for good..... but, where are you? You are lost even to yourself............ I can't connect with you anymore...... I can't let you take me for granted..... I need to move on........ you were my past and today your actions prove that you really were my past and should have remained buried in the confines of my consciousness not surfaced to hurt me again. Your assurances seem empty, they mean nothing at all..... so empty .... resonating within an empty vessel.... hurting me again. It is but right.... why did I give you the right to hurt me all over again? My fault, not yours..... can't blame you....this is the only medium through which I know I can let you know that you have hurt me again.... unknowingly or knowingly.... only you know best. Your demons got the better of me in this relationship..... a floundering one.... in a deep abyss..... maybe never to surface again.

Unstring me...... uncuff me.... let me go........I want to be left alone........I guess am made for melancholy solitariness and the life of a gypsy... thirsty for knowledge and a lonely journey forward.......

What a mood!!!...... Retro mood.......baring it all........the fangs that would make anyone bleed tears of blood... But, what to do....am like this ....hence this confession.

Sea green Banarasi Saree...

While cleaning the cupboard today, I spotted the sea green banarasi saree, gifted by a dear one long time ago. That set the thought process in motion.... rewind mode.

Come to think of it, it was a beautiful relationship while it lasted..... an artist, a musician..... a netizen, an IT professional and above all a humane human being. Someone who cared deep enough not to hurt you in any way and took it all upon himself and just faded away. But, the memories remain of a pure relationship..... One where a woman was respected for who she was and never misused.... never abused.... left  intact and self respecting.

The saree reminds me of the care and concern the person had for my feelings and the lengths he went to procure it for me. It's a unique colour and blend of green and blue....... makes it seem like made for a mermaid.

Yup, am the mermaid that dived into the sea and got lost in the depths of the ocean. A ocean so deep, that he couldn't find her again.... she was lost forever.... I was lost forever.... there was no turning back.... I couldn't, the distance just grew  and we grew apart..... never to meet again.

This happens to me all the time.... in every relationship..... I just run away from love after a while.... it gets too overwhelming for me ...... am not cut out for relationships..... they are just not for me......can't give myself away just like that......why am I like this? Why do I run away from life? Why can't I embrace it with its various hues and colours?

The Sea green Banarasi Saree.... it made me think and I am thinking..... an introspection for a day rife with the gloomy weathers grey shades. What is it that I seek? Certainly not companionship.....Then what? Myself? Am I lost somewhere? That little girl..... who grew up on a whole lot of love and affection.... a spoilt brat for the rest of the World yet a great and true friend for a select few........... A mother with her trials and tribulations..... a daughter, a mother..... where am I? All other relationships melted away in the oblivion............none sustained for lack of commitment from my side...... seeking myself in every nook and corner..... every brook and river...... finally merging into the sea....... that's where I really belong....... lay me to rest there..... my final abode..... maybe it is that which I seek and nothing else.... My final abode.

The sea green saree made me think and I thought......

My heart bleeds with the rains....

My heart bleeds when it rains..... reminds me of the pain locked within... which gets unlocked with the key of rain mixed with thunder and lightening.

The rain washes away the pain..... a momentary respite.....a needed break. My words are incoherent yet with deep felt meanings for the one who needs to understand what I really mean.

Am hurting. The pain never subsides. It ebbs ... comes and goes... leaving me drained and fatigued.

The past wells up in my eyes as tears, to be washed away by the droplets of rain.  A pain only a heart that has genuinely felt pain can understand. These are not frivolous words nor are these words to flatter. They have a meaning, a message to convey..... My hurt is an integral part of my life...no matter what happiness you give me... my hurt shall raise its hood over and over again.  Can you deal with that? Can you deal with my demons? Can you deal with my mood swings? Can you deal with my spoilt brat status? Can you deal with my  
many vices? No one can..... we need to deal with our problems on our own especially when you keep yours to yourself... not letting me in on your problems..laughing them off yet keeping aloof...maintaining a distance.

I can deal with every thing but not the distancing. It confuses me about what's playing in your mind. It scares me to death not knowing what hotch potch is going on in your head.

My heart shouts out to you.... the sound drowns in the rain... and I stand alone yet again... all alone.

Misty hills.....

Tonight I am reminded of the misty hills, the heights you took me to and we disappeared in the foggy night.... merged with the creatures of the dark and reveled in exploring the realms of each others being.

A night to remember, never out of mind...... a romantic setting on a humid moonless night.

The journey to the destination, a long winding one, over treacherous terrain. Yet, you made it seem so smooth and effortless while paying full attention to me and what I said.  What are you? Human or robot? You have feelings yet you do not express. If your music be your form of expression , so be it. Am all set to understand you through that medium.

You said it's hard for you to express via public display of affection , yet every pore of your body screams and says you love me, else you wouldn't do what you do for me.... you make me smile every moment.

Nah, am not putting two and two together..... it's already there, the signs and the emotions, the expression is missing yet the acts spell it all.

Am waiting patiently to hear you say what I yearn to hear..... Misty hills, et al... are but a part of that love story.... waiting to unfurl if all goes well.... else another silent heartbreak and no one hears the shatter at all.... another love story goes in the trash bin before being written.

But, of course, misty hills will flood my memories.... and you shall come floating in the picture again .... but just a fleeting glimpse ....coz I would have moved on.....

There can be no other feeling greater than being in love......or have I just been imagining it all..... a mirage... a false picture...... a fleeting glimpse....coz am stuck in a time warp.....

I just rewind and go back to the misty hills..... as though my soul has been left behind there.... in that moment of happiness I roam the hills searching for you like a ghost in  a lonely stretch of forest.

Misty hills.... am lost somewhere there.............

Your thoughts don't leave me alone....

How much ever I try to forget you,  am not left alone by thoughts of you. They just crop up out of nowhere bothering my peace of mind. You just pop out of some window in my grey cells and nag my thoughts. I was thoroughly harassed today by your thoughts and the same was evident to all and sundry.

I just couldn't concentrate on any given task and kept fidgeting around with an annoyed look on my face. The entire day was spent looking at the office entrance door lest you walk in and surprise me. On my way back home again the same scene was repeated in the hope that you may be standing out waiting for me to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to a far far place whispering sweet nothings in my ears. The same look of hope shone in my eyes at the bus stop lest you were there waiting for me. But, Alas! you weren't there. I was disappointed. I waited for you to call, you didn't call. I waited upon you the whole day in the hope that you would call, you would try to contact me but you didn't. What a nerdy fool have I been?

Ultimately, I mustered the courage and called you killing my ego, squashing my pride. Damn you ! You are my weakness and am totally enamoured by your power to attract me all the time. I am lost.... I guess truly lost to the rest of the world coz you have found me.

Never felt such an impact on my being. You confound me and my beliefs. You make me break my own rules and regulations. You make me smile and for that one thought I can do anything for you.

Your thoughts don't leave me alone..... It is as if you are with me all the time. Am completely smittened by your persona. You seem to be the missing link in my pathway to heavenly bliss. Your touch leaves me with goosebumps on my flesh, thoughts of you touching me leave me speechless and completely in awe of your magnetic being.

I will leave you and go........

I will leave you and go....... your apprehension or so called fear is not unfounded..... but then isn't that what we all fear.... that someone will leave us and go away.

Yes, I will leave you and go.... we all have to go....far far away, to a land not known ... a place unseen ....
a place which is said to be the final resting place for all mankind.

I have those fears too. But, for me it is based on your actions.. Actions so childish that it makes me wonder whether I made the right choice. But, when did I get to choose? It just happened. right? Out of the blue suddenly you appear out of nowhere in my life and sweep me off my feet into the misty clouds. What am I to feel about the whole "affair"? And  then suddenly reality dawns upon me. Is it right? This relationship is going nowhere. And, then you blurt out, I will leave you and go....

I too have those apprehensions. You might leave me for a pretty young thing, You might leave me for better looking prospects. You might just use me and go away. I would be left behind twiddling my thumb and bawling my hearts content out on some shoulder. Yikes, our fears feed on our negative thoughts and become a monster that breaks the relationship.

If it is so, then it is best to part ways while all is still under control and nothing serious has really transpired between us. I don't want to lose my self esteem trying to please you.... So that one fine day you decide that you think that I might leave you and go. If that's what stops you from expressing your emotions then I need to do a reality check and control the damage done so far. Why meet me and have those precious moments that nag me all the time reminding me of the time I spent with you?

When I do something, I do it with conviction. I don't hide behind tinted car windows. I put my career on the guillotine with my foot in mouth proclamation , I fear no one or anything because I have loved and lost before. And, for me relations means more than money and career and false social values.

It's you who has to look within himself and find his true calling. Don't put the blame on someone else, look within . Are you convinced of your own commitment? You don't know what you want and hence, you don't say anything. But, please in the process of the so called affair don't lead the other person on. Don't ruin someone else's life in trying to find your own self.

I won't call you. I won't bother you. Find yourself and get on with your life.

Elvis has left the building........................

What is happening?..... I dunno.........

Well, am not sure this is what I wanna confess at this moment... but what to do ... this is the state of my mind at this particular moment, whereby am unable to discern between the good and the bad... what's really the truth? Or, is it just some prank being played by a spoilt brat.

I don't want you to get turned off by the last statement, but am so unsure of what's going on in your mind. Your actions say something else but your silence kills me. I need a concrete answer... no twisting and turning, no counter questioning... just a ubiquitous answer.... what is it that you seek in my company? Ah, silly! Not the company I work for but me, myself, Radhika.

Finding time to be with me, just being there no matter what, virtual or physically.... giving me the attention I seek.... yet so non committal. I ain't asking for a commitment, I seek fulfillment .... a sense of knowing that someone truly loves me for who I am and not what I am.

I dunno why I am writing this stuff. It's like begging you to say something you don't wanna say. Aaaargghhh.... why am I so utterly human? Why am I a woman? Why oh why? Yaar, am so hung up on this sweet feeling called love, that I have lost all sense of time and my sensibility. Why am I so explicitly expressive where my silly emotions are concerned? Why am I always falling in love and here it means literally falling in love... and always with the wrong guys. wrong guys doesn't mean bad guys but there are other criteria applied to them with regards to age and level of maturity.

Can't complain... no cribs, no nagging myself... we make the choices we  make and we need to suffer the consequences. Now, don't hold that against me and say I will remember this. Come on, gimme a break, this is the state of my mind, whether upset or not depends on the situation. This time my judgement is clouded, shrouded by the mystery of your unyielding emotions and shielded by that smiling eyes of yours.

What is happening? I dunno.... All I know at this moment is that you are there besides me and I like being with you, I feel nice, warm and secure in your company.... but you give me no reason to not blog what I feel as you don't reveal your dark secrets or what is it that is holding you back.

What is happening? I dunno...... all I know is I love you... and I don't mince my words... I am pretty expressive.... just the opposite of you and I am impatient and my patience is running out. Gimme a reply.

Blogging my life away.....

Tonight, I blog my life away.... my life, my times, my whims and fancies,my aspirations and all that entails being me.

I just want to forget who I am and start afresh. A new life, a new perspective, a new take on all that matters.
I need to change my views, maybe become one of the many that lead a non existent existence on the face of Earth. The millions that come and wither away without being noticed and without making an impact. Just one of the many ......

Why this state of mind? Well, there are some questions for which there are no answers and I guess this is one of those abominable questions for which I have no answer. I want to lose my identity, melt into the oblivion and just fade away one fine day over a period of time, living the life of a recluse.

But, a big BUT.... my responsibilities are the handcuffs that hold me cuffed to the pole called life. Am not free yet..... Yet I want to fly, want to soar....for once live for myself.....am overwhelmed by the notion that I am a free spirit in bondage.. a bondage created by the society we live in.....where you are watched, where every move you make is noticed and noted and buzzed around, where there is no space of your own , you become a vehicle of deliverance.... with no end in sight to your plight for flight.

In such a situation what do I do.... I just blog my life away... I blog my feelings away.... I just blog the emotions that well up within me.....that's what I am doing.....

Blogging my life away..................