Driftwood.......

Yup, seasoned wood.... old wood.... priced for it's quality..... Driftwood.....Am I one?

Yes, I guess I am. My current status is that of a driftwood.... a rolling stone that gathers no moss, yet gives a bit of herself... and the edges smoothen out and she reduces in size with each passing tide... Till she is left no more and totally spent.... that's how deserts are made over a period of time.

I am  a desert in the making.... a once fertile and thriving land.... on the brink of becoming bare and barren.
A once green tree.... a branch... fallen from the main trunk and drifting in water and the tide of the ocean and getting stuck somewhere on the banks or beaches as a gnarled self of her former beauty and hey days.... dry drifting wood found by the riverside, found by the bayside.... dry ugly wood.

Am angry...... angry at myself..... why do I do this to myself? Why do I derogate  myself and my self esteem after a high `of a beautiful moment? Why can't I just adjust my sails and surge ahead? ~Why  do I let my past pull me down always? Why do I drift into a melancholy mood and spoil it all for myself and others?

I have no answers to the rantings of my minds. It is always asking questions to which there are no answers. Answers which I need to find out for myself before beginning anything .... before embarking on a new journey. But, a state of mind that I always keep on the backburner and forget all about till I stumble yet again and cry all over again over spilt milk

I guess, I really am a driftwood.... that has no direction or permanent abode... it just moves on till it gets stuck somewhere and rests there all alone for the rest of its life.

All this makes no sense....

It really makes no sense.....
The  turn of events in the past couple of days, makes me wonder.... where am I headed?
I am just drifting along with the tide of events.... the way the wind goes my boat takes that direction..... Am taking decisions at the spur of the moment not visualizing or thinking of the consequences.

The pros and cons of my action are triggering a massive breakdown of my mental faculty. There seems to be no pros just cons........ lotsa cons........ Whoa! Everything s happening at breakneck speed........am reaching my threshold level...can't take the pressure all alone.......need to take some stern disciplinary action against my wandering mind.

All this makes no sense at all.... am totally cut off from the main contemporary protagonist in this whole drama.... what am I do? Am I to take the decision all alone?

Damn! Why is everything so societal? Why do we have to take a nod of approval from the society for our actions? Why?

Am in a state of profound dilemma and that is making matters worse as it is affecting every action of mine.
 There seems to be no solution but practice self discipline and totally severe all ties with the rest of the society........ Leave all my pleasures to my imagination and walk alone once again.. there is heavenly bliss in that state despite loneliness......at least I don't lose sleep over trivial matters then.

Am better off alone....... can't lose my sleep over situations and people that are not under my control.......Yeah, I guess am a control freak. I need to regain control of my empire..,,,. which is my peace of mind.

Nothing makes sense anymore..... senseless sensibilities... mindless wanderings..... musings of an UNJUST LADY.... Unjust to herself.

It must have been love... It's over now....

Listening to this song from Pretty Woman.... heart rending soulful melody....

It must have been love, It's over now...
Sure it could have been ...Love...
Or maybe some fatal attraction....
But it has ended and there's no looking back at the sour grapes.
Grapes that have wilted and turned into wrinkled raisins....
Love gone sour.....`
Lost forever somewhere.

Sad that it was so shortlived....

So sad to put it down in words.....
No words to describe it...
A relationship withered away ....
Sad that it was so shortlived.
Glad that it ended without any hassles.....
But sad that it had to end this way....
Miscommunication or blame it on no communication....
But it did end ultimately.
Am not sure if I am hurting....
But yes, there is a lump in my throat....
Those sweet moments and their memories tormenting....
Yet, life moves on, goes on and ....
We move with the flow.
Sad that it ended, sad that it was so shortlived....
But an explanation is surely due...
Isn't it so?

Assumptions.... conclusions... a figment of your imagination...

Yup... your assumptions...
Your conclusions.....
All are a figment of your overactive imagination....
An imagination that I cannot control...
Yes, I can feed it fodder....
For you to wonder....
What is it that I am made of.....

I don't need your advice ....
To stay focused...
I shall do what pleases me.....
It's my life after all.....
You can't just barge in .....
You can't just assume...
You can't just conclude...
Whatever you feel like....
I am who I am ... from my past experiences..
I can't let another rule my life for me....
Don't jump to conclusions....
Don't assume things.....
I am already hurting...
Don't hurt me no more.

Tonight a tear rolls down my cheek....

Not tonight....
Tonight a tear rolls down my cheek...
A lonely tiresome tear peeps out from the corner of my lashes....
Not tonight dear.....
Am just spent in my thoughts ...
The tear.... a harbinger of my emotions....
Let it wash the darkness of the night away....
For tomorrow I shall cry no more...
Tomorrow will be another dawn....
Another day to begin.

Am welling within with pent up emotions...
Am hurting somewhere deep down there....
The depths of my heart hold many secrets...
Secrets unknown to know my fear....
My fear isn't unfounded...
It has deep rooted history...
It springs from experience bitter and sweet....
Let me be.... Let me be alone in my melancholy sadness...
I need no one near.

Tonight a tear rolls down my cheek...
I catch it in my palm....
I watch it fade away with time....
The salt left behind.

Stay focused....

Yup, Stay focused Radhika...
Stay grounded Radhika...
Yet not again Radhika....
Stay away Radhika.......
A constant dilemma...
I face every moment....
I look at my cellphone.... I look at my netbook....
But, I can't , can't just stay away...
Stay Focused O' mind of mine....
Stay on the path you have chosen...
Don't let anything or anyone....
Stop you from becoming what you can....
No, I don't want roses...
I don't want thorns...
I don't need a companion...
I am better left alone....
I don't want emotions...
I don't want pain....
Leave me alone....
Just let me be...
Somebody stop me as the MASK said...
I say too.... Stop Radhika.`..
Right there in your tracks...
Tread no further....
There is pain in there...
Stay focused..
Stay grounded..
Stand tall...
Unwavering and avoid a fall.

Someone to talk to....

I needed someone to talk to...
I needed someone to confide in....
 Guess I found that one person in you....
Is it really true?...
I dunno....
All I know is that ...
Today at the end of the day...
Am a happy soul going to bed.

You may find it astonishing...
But in you I found a buddy...
Whom I can open up to....
Unabashedly, shamelessly ..
Yet happy in the knowledge ...
That I have been heard....
Am really a happy soul ...
Going to bed... all alone``.... yet happy.`