Lonely musings........

Faith, trust...........All these are just words....

Only words fathomed by one who has experienced them, lived them to the hilt.
Unless you have faith , how can you trust the other one?
It bogs me down to even delve deep into the innards of these emotions. Am transported to a different plane, a realm where all is hunky dory. All is based on an unwavering faith that he is going to be there for you always; No  matter what. A deep feeling that he will never cheat on you, won't lie to you ever..... but is it humanly possible for a person who has always lived a lie all his life... Whose every moment in life was a lie and whom no one trusts?

Every dawn begins with the thought, now what today? Every other night ends on a disappointed note. Is love all about ending up sad and lonely? There is a big crowd around me all the time, yet am lonely. Always searching for one that can fulfill me intellectually and emotionally. The one person whom I can be comfortable being in my skin with. It is a constant struggle to keep afloat in a world full of people so into themselves. A hinterland, where I do not belong. I drown each moment and try to surface all the time. Suffocating as it may seem, am loving the pain it gives me..... the ache to search all the time for my own identity, myself. It's a sadistic pleasure that I derive from my pain that gives me a high. Am high on that feeling all the time.

These words that flow forth from my mind, know no boundaries. There's no line drawn, where to end or to start them, but they just flow out and I end up putting them on my blog. Make no sense of it. It's just words that describe the confused state of mind I am in.... lonely and extremely melancholy. Am just taking it all out to lighten the burden on my soul.

I don't know, why I am writing all this. All I know is I want to lighten the burden  that's pulling me down and under. Trust me I just wrote it. There is nothing to it, just my state of mind. My life sucks.... that's it.

I am sorry......

I am sorry.

I got angry coz of a major misunderstanding. I was hurting and I withdrew into a shell. I know, It hurt you and our loved ones a lot. But, that's my way of dealing with stress and pain. I turn turtle. I hide myself and withdraw into a shell.

You are the best thing that can ever happen to a girl. You are so understanding and loving, ever forgiving. The kind of love you shower upon me, am not used to it. So much attention and care, I have not known... it scares me. What if, I get used to it and then you change. That is why I barricade myself up. Am afraid of losing you.

You are my life now... just like I am yours. But, there are times which test us.... bear with me, when I turn a recluse.... I am but human and a tad bit different from others, a bit crazy and a whole lot sensitive. Small things bother me, big things don't. Am a social recluse, a bit of a loner... it takes me time to open up and if I am in pain, then maybe a lifetime is also not enough to heal the wound.

Stand by me when I shut up and keep you out. Just be there. I will turn around someday, sometime. Just be there.

I am sorry.... for not comprehending your stance. I am sorry for hurting you so.

I  am sorry...... I love you a lot and I didn't mean to be mean at all. I derived no pleasure out of the silence that I opted for. I was trying to get my sanity in place.

When things go rough, give me time to reconcile. Don't lose your cool over my senseless actions... I am but a kid at heart (wink).... a label you have given me.

I am sorry.... I don't promise that the going will be smooth, but it's an uphill task bearing with my temper tantrums, hope you can keep pace with my tempo. It's one helluva bumpy ride for us.... just be there by my side.... bear the bumps and the aches and pains.

I love you for being there for me... Just be yourself... Don't change ever.

Burning within...

Damn this desire.... damn it.
I am burning within.
Damn this fear.... damn it.
It's eating me away.
Damn this worry.... damn it.
It's giving me the ulcer.

This uncanny feeling of losing him again is killing me from within.
I have lost my sleep over it.
I am binging because of it.
I am in the depths of depression due to it.
How do I control my apprehensions?
How do I soothe my frayed nerves?

Am always worrying, what if...?
Why this insecurity?
Why this frailty?
Why this fear of the unknown?

Being human is such a pain.
So many emotions to deal with.
So many relations to maintain.
So many demons to deal with.

Am burning within... because of her behaviour.
Am seething within at her selfishness.
What woman would profess love on one hand...
And destroy the same love on the other hand?
What woman would she be, to make public her wanton desires,
Yet torture the man in the confines of her home?
What woman would she be, to lay bare her soul to strangers,
Yet traumatize the man who defied all for her?

Am burning within, at her foolhardiness.
Am pitiful at her cheap display of piteousness.
I spite her words.
Though they be of a high order,
Yet they showcase a sick woman.

Am burning, coz am helpless...
I want to help her get across... to let go.
Am helpless, coz I know...
She is manipulative  and conniving.
Am in the throes of pain, coz I know he is hurting too.

Burning within me is the desire...
To give him a world of happiness...
Burning within me is the fire... that only he can kindle.

All those beautiful and not so beautiful thoughts...........

So many thoughts, beautiful, wonderful thoughts constantly keep flitting across my mind all the time. Yet their speed is so high, am unable to pen them down in time and lose them . When I need them they just don't seem to crop up in my mind at all.

Thoughts can make and break your day. Thoughts can enhance your mood or throw you in the throes and depths of melancholy loneliness. There are times my thoughts elevate me and I fly and there are times I just sink  deep in an abyss and it takes a long time to surface from that state of mind.

My thoughts can be meaningful at times. Sometimes noteworthy and worthwhile. But, sometimes they are as destructive as the Atom bomb. sometimes my thought can kill by just being ruthless and unkind thoughts.

All those thoughts kind and unkind make me who I am, run the course of my life. I love my thoughts as they are always generally beautiful and creative. Only problem is they crop up anywhere and it is so frustrating that one gets these insights and is unable to put them down in a concrete form coz there is no pen and paper for the same in that situation in that condition under those circumstances.

Thoughts creative and innovative have shaped my career well. Hope my life also shapes well on those lines. I am always thinking. Am a thinking individual and inclined towards intellectual stimulation to excite my brain cells. Hoping to keep my neurons well nourished with the right kind of connections cognitively.

On this note, I end this short thoughtful write up on my thoughts, some beautiful and some naughty.....
Thoughtfully yours.... Yours truly.

The only thing on my mind.....

Loving you is the only thing on my mind these days. I don't know, when you became an addiction. But, you came to remain in my heart and mind forever. I can't think of a moment without you and your thoughts. We haven't met, yet it seems as though we have been together FOREVER.

The only thing that occupies my mind is being with you and in your warm embrace in your arms. Wish the time would come soon when two lovers could meet, jump out of the virtual world that they are living in and disappear in each other.

Every moment reminds me of my aching need for you. Ever moment teases me. Every moment brings with it the apprehensions of unrequited love. Every moment taunts me. Let the moments pass by and let the music begin and let's waltz our way to eternal bliss. Let us unite and be blessed in our love.

The only thing on my mind is YOU. You don't let me do anything at all. I can't concentrate on anything. Your thoughts make me forget everything. I end up doing nothing at all by the end of the day. One person can make me forget my entire world, my sense of being, my sensibilities.

The only thing on my mind is the love I feel for you. The love that according to you lay dormant for ages in our hearts to explode today like a volcano. Hope it doesn't destroy anything but builds everything afresh. a new spring, a new life.

The only thing on my mind is how we can be happy and make everyone around us happy too. Give so much love to each other that it spills onto others and everyone smiles in our happiness. Being together should mean bringing together two families and making the world a happier place to live in.

The only thing on my mind is YOU.... and you alone.

Irritating....

Irritating, that's what I am, if I don't concede to your requests.

Irritating, I am, if I don't heed your warnings.

Irritating, I am, if I don't conform to your fanatic beliefs.

Irritating, I am, if I don't listen to you wallowing in self pity.

Irritating, I am, if I don't allow you your addictions.

Irritating, I am, if I defy you.

Irritating, I am, if I am rebellious.

Irritating, I am, if I am a non conformist.

Irritating, I am, if I say NO to you.

Irritating, I am, if I turn you down.

Irritating, I am, if I say wait for the right time.

Irritating, I am, if I remain who I am.

Irritating, if I am, then why make me change..... Go find someone else.

Irritating, I am , am I?

I was never there.......

I was there yet never there for you my babies.

In my frenzy to be the best MOM , I forgot I had kids not stuffed toys.

In my zeal to give you the best, I forgot you needed love and care and not material things.

In my anger with the rest of the world, I overlooked your hunger for love.

In my zest for a career, I forgot my post as a mother.

I treated you like an employee.

I treated you like my staff.

I forgot, when all would be gone, you would still stick by me.

Crown and glory came and went, you stood by me.

I forgot.

When I was down and out, you were there for me.

I forgot.

I forgot myself, I forgot you.

My memory lapse, widened the gap, between you and me.

I am sorry, I was never there for you my babies.

But, you were there for me always.

Today, when I look back.

Today, when I introspect.

Today, in retrospect... I feel ashamed... I was never there.

I was there but I was never there.

I failed my test, yet I expect you to excel.

What a hypocrite am I?

I failed in my duties, yet I expect you to be the best.

What a sick mind have I?

I was never there, yet I expect you to be there.

In my twilight, I guess I will have to walk alone towards the sunset....

Coz, I was never there for you.

Confessions of an unjust MOM.......

Why am I so harsh on my kids?

Why do I lay down rules?

Why do I have expectations?

Why can't I just let it be?

If he stays out late, why can't I let my son do so?

If he has tried his hand at smoking, why can't I let him turn his life to ashes?

If he has had a drink, why can't I let him waste his liver away?

If he is in bad company, why can't I let him be and waste his life away?

Why am I so harsh towards my son?

Why can't I be kind to him?

Why can't I give freedom to my kids?

Why can't I just let them be?

I scold my daughter all the time, why do I do this?

I ignore my daughter's requests, why can't I concede?

Why can't I give them what they want?

Why can't I make them happy?

Why am I so curt and ruthless?

Why am I so strict?

Why am I so unkind?

Why am I so cruel?

Why am I so UNJUST?

Why am I so ?

Why do I feel guilty, now that I have reprimanded them?

Why this feeling of moroseness, when I took their freedom away?

I taught them freedom of expression, yet why do I not let them speak?

Why am I so UNJUST?

Why am I so?

I taught them to stand tall and be confident.

I showed them the path.

I gave them freedom to express self.

I gave them a weapon of stealth in wealth.

I gave them a life, a bed of roses.

I gave them their favourite toys.

I gave them everything under the sky.

Yet, I gave them NOTHING at all.

I have never been there for them when they needed me.

I have never been there when they won medals.

I have never been there for their days of glory.

I have never been there at all.

I was busy making a living.

I was busy making moolah.

I was busy getting the bread home.

I was busy ensuring a warm hearth.

In all this, I forgot.

In all this, I never gave a thought.

In all this, I was a stranger to them.

I was never there for them.

I gave them a roof.

I gave them money.

I gave them food.

I gave them honey.

But, I gave them nothing at all.

I wasn't there at all.

Good times, bad times, sad times, I wasn't there at all.

I confess, I am an UNJUST mom,

I am no good at all.

But, what the heck... I do care, am not so bad after all.