Confessions of a Shopaholic... ;-)

Am I picking on someone? Nah, picking on myself. I simply go ballistic where it comes to shopping. Then all the well planned budget lined shopping list goes for a toss and all that comes home is junk which is really not needed.

Not joking, seriously. I make a long shopping list and go out and when I reach the shopping mall, I forget the list exists , I just start buying stuff without trying them on or really checking the size and always end up with a wardrobe full of clothes one size smaller. Sigh, yeah I should try the clothes on in the trial room, but I don't have the patience to do trials and end up with errors this way.

I rarely go shopping. But, when I do my bank balance goes on the negative side . This pinches my bottom where I pocket my wallet. A lady carrying a wallet!!! Yup, am different. I wear checked shirts with jeans , sometimes with a half jacket thrown in and a pair of sneakers for easy walkability. Total faltu look. I stroll into malls with my eye candy son and bodyguard (bouncer) daughter and then the journey begins. I always and only buy shoes for my son. He just seems to be growing by the minute and his shoes shrink by the second. My daughter is a basketball fan and player, so she ends up buying basketball paraphernalia apart from the regular Barbies and stuffed toys and treats.

A visit to the mall is just a pretense for whetting our appetites for good food. It can never be complete without visiting Mad Over Donuts and gorging down dozens of Doughnuts and getting another dozen packed for home. One more favourite haunt is Aromas of China and boy do we love the chinese delicacies that they dole out. Then , there is Pizza hut for one for the road kinda snack.

In all this melee, you must be wondering when do I do my shopping. Well am a different kind of shopper. If I am happy, I don't buy anything for myself. If I am sad, then shopping is my catharsis and I end up splurging and buying everything off the shelves whether they are needed or not. Psst, my home is a junkyard of stuff bought in a huff.

But, this is not real shopping. Real shopping used to happen when there were no malls around and we would go to Colaba in SoBo (South Bombay) and buy stuff from shops big and small and top it with the most authentic pasta at Cafe' Churchill and Bade Miyaan's kebabs, falooda kulfi and ragda patties at Kailash Parbat. The list is endless. Those times are long past buried in the pages of history. Now, it is an artificial environment to shop in with a plastic card to make the payment with.

Shopping is no more fun today. It's just a necessity to spend that extra buck one earns with the boost in the economy. Earlier, it used to be an affair with our senses... gastronomic and sensual. Now, it is business as usual with no time for family and family values. It's just a status symbol to shop at a happening shopping mall, coz that's the place you ought to be seen at.

I dream of going shopping. But, at leisure and in my own sweet time with someone who wouldn't mind holding............ no, not my hand silly... my purse. Then , I don't have to carry my wallet... it would be in the purse silly again. You thought , I expect the guy to pay, hai na? Yes, I do. What's wrong in expectations, although things have always been the other way round with me. I must say, it's been a nightmare in the past few relationships where I always ended up paying for my rascal dates. Men these days aren't made of the stuff a man should be made of. Now, don't go asking what that stuff is.

On that note, I shall end this blog... this was just made up coz am tired of waiting for someone to resume chat with me... waiting coz he has gone SHOPPING.

The Great Gambler....

Beautiful movie... with the most lilting and haunting song... one of my favourite songs ......

Am I game for a gamble? Will have to think about it.

So far life has been a big gamble for me. It is for everyone, not me alone. But then, this is my blog so am gonna showcase my gamble. At every step we pay a price for it, whether we like it or not. But, we emerge richer in experiences, don't we all.

It's the outlook we portray that sets us apart, as losers or winners all the way.... some people laugh all their way to the bank but are they really rich and some win the battle despite the defeat. Am one of the few losers who has always brushed the dirt off her skirt after falling down and emerged richer in experiences. It's mellowed me a bit but not much ... good, else how do I add spice to the gossip mongers rues and tales about me and my life. How do I leave them out on the juicy details of my brush with an experience those staid and bored housewives can only dream of.... I could write volumes on bored housewives tales.... but leave it for another day and another time , in another blog... if I remember.

So, we were at 'GAMBLING'. I wouldn't want to change anything about gambling my life away, it was fun then, it's fun now and believe me at the moment am enjoying reliving my life in bits and pieces and trying to join it as one whole. Wow! What a life!!! You have to be born as me to live and appreciate this gamble.

Chalo, will gamble a bit more and write in the juicy details later.

Twilight of my life...

In the twilight of my life, when I find myself alone

In the twilight of my life, when I walk alone

In the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer

You come shining right through the tunnel of life

Stopping me midway,

making me wonder,

making me think,

making me blush once again......

Why in the twilight of my life, when there is nothing I can offer?

The sails of my boat are tattered and torn,

The wheel that drives the ship has broken,

The rudder moves aimlessly

And, you have come to the rescue?

Why now, when I have nothing to offer?

Except my blues,

my pain,

my worries,

There is nothing else on the platter to serve you O Master.

Why now, when I have come to the end of the chapter in the book of life?

Why now, when the story has ended?

Why now, when there is no music left to play?

WHY NOW???

How can you?

How can you remember every word I said?

How can you remember every word I wrote?

How can you remember what I wore?

How can you remember what I made for you?

How can you remember where we went?

How can you......

I forgot everything, down the by lanes of time,

I forgot I existed, with passing time,

I forgot you, but you existed in the subconscious,

But still I forgot you.......

How did you find me?

How did you still remember me?

Why do you keep me in your heart still?

Questions , questions and questions....

I need an answer.........

Are you game?

Will you answer?

Lost and found........

Just like Goldilocks, I lost myself in the jungle and mayhem of life a long long time ago.

Juggling responsibilities and chores, I forgot I existed even.

Then , along came a smart ass and I felt nice. I felt everything was hunky dory, I gave of myself, a large chunk of emotional wealth to this glittering and sparkling asshole little realizing that all that glitters ain't gold. When I fell, I fell flat on my face. It hurt, and real bad too.

I lamented, why me. I cried, why me. I went crazy, why me. I kept it all. bottled inside me, all the why me queries troubling me, giving me sleepless nights.

Then , out of the blue, suddenly I found something I was looking for, a strong shoulder to cry on and I found my friend , who today is an integral part of my life. My punching bag , whom I punch with all my feelings good and bad. Can you believe, I have never met this friend of mine, but in the virtual world and he is there for me to rely on always. It's a new found friendship, a partnership that is not based on selfish reasons but on trust and care. He makes sure , if I am down and out, he should make me smile. and, believe me he has a knack for doing this stuff. He brings a smile on everybody's lips and is dependable. My friend, I love you for being there when I needed someone to wipe my tears. Thanks for standing by my side and giving me the time to get over the mess I had created in my life.

Then, while all this was going on, along came the person, who made a huge difference in my life. Someone who changed the course of my life some two decades ago and man, am I glad he did. There were so many unanswered questions in my mind, I had to find a reply to those. No clarifications, just plain replies and I got them. There are many more Mister, you have to answer them all. I feel nice when I speak to him whether it be the virtual world of Facebook chat (Incidentally , where we met again) or just plain calls, I feel nice.

It's like there is someone up there, who decided; Well! We have tested her enough, let's give her this chance to be happy once again. So, I won't say I have found love once again but yes, I have found friends, dependable people.

Anyways, you fall in love only once, the first time, after that it' s just a repeat telecast with different people cast in the same role. But, the effect and impact of the original can never be matched by others. They can't don the mantle of your dream hero, the lead character was created only once keeping only one person in mind. You can't replace the original with a fake.

So, I lost once and then kept losing (at one point I thought I was the biggest loser) but I found what I had lost, albeit the circumstances then and now have changed.... What the heck? Who cares? I do, but I found my 'favourite toy' once again and that is what matters to me and nothing else. somebody is not going to like the term 'favourite toy' but at 3am in the morning, when I am dead drunk and nearly dozing off, no other word comes to my mind dear. Spare me the rod and bring that smile on your lips... coz u still are the top contender for the largest piece of my broken heart. LOL

So, there goes the sob story of lost and found........ wrote it coz I know, this is the first thing you would want to read in the morning when the sun rises in the East.

You inspire me.... you believe in me........ you know what I feel like and when........ Do I need to go on further? Nah, let the moral pundits wrack their brains over this and lemme go get a shut eye before the dawn begins.... a new chapter in my life.

Stretching....

Am into stretching these days. Why? Can't gym na, so am stretching to music and enjoying every bit of getting back in shape slow and steady. That's the physical aspect of stretching... now onto other aspects of stretching.

I am stretching my imagination. I dream too, but with my eyes open, so that I don't forget the realities that surround me and my world. My imagination knows no bounds and am not bound by the veracities of life. My world of imagination transports me into a world which is picture perfect and there's no pain there only happiness.... reality sucks.

I am stretching my limits emotionally. I can be a nervous bundle of hurt and pain too and I want to experience the maximum ... wanna check the threshold of my limit. The point where I might break down, I do break down but I bounce back... am a ball and having a ball of a time bouncing through the waves of emotions that sometimes seem to engulf me and threaten to drown me. I surface from it gasping for air and then diving into the problem head on once again to test my limit.

I am stretching myself exploring the spirituality that everyone talks about. I have yet to become spiritual, but I do stretch myself into believing what all these great saints and pundits say. Nah, am not an atheist but I do question a lot.

I am stretching myself always, seeking answers where there are none...No wonder, they christened me 'Tell me Why series'.

At the end of it.....I love being comfortable in my skin!! Whoever has got a problem.. is free to leave.. :D.......................... somebody retweeted this and I said what the heck... it's true and applies to me.

Let it be my motto for today.. and lemme pick the threads up from where I left them trying to please others. Stretch...bend.... stretch.... move on.

Sob blogging............

Yup, that set me thinking.... a casual remark from a blast from the past.

Of course , on second thoughts , come to think of it.... when I re-read my blogs , I found that most of them were just rantings about things gone sour. No one knows better but old flames , how lovable I can actually be. so, this blog is for you Mister. No sob story here but something nice about getting on with your life keeping your worries behind you.

Don't worry be happy... Let this be your motto in life henceforth.

All good things take their own sweet time to arrive in your life. like it is said ... sabra ka phal meetha hota hai.... and who would know it better than the lambi race ka ghoda. ;-)

Am grinning from ear to ear as is my trademark style... yes , this is what am in a mood to do and express the happiness in knowing that someone somewhere still remembers you. Psst... I wish all of them remembered me this way... and I guess they do.... I leave a lasting impression in peoples minds and..... hearts too. That's my persona..... sounding so narcissistic.

This ain't a sob blog today, all the good old memories came flooding back and I said Oh my god! how could I forget the most beautiful moments of my life. This is a nostalgic journey into days bygone.... but beautiful memories. It's hampering my written words as those golden moments are just flitting past and reminding me . Gosh! must stop before am gushing all over the page , like an over zealous and over grown , deeply infatuated teenager that I once was.

We all have our ups and downs in life, and that certainly was the high tide of my life. A tsunami that swept my senses away, it changed the entire course of my life.... and am glad it did. I wouldn't be here today, had it not been there. I wouldn't wish to want to change this destiny ever.

Thank you Mister, for being the perpetrator of the change that made me what I am today. You deserve a treat for this.... and for instigating me to change the mood of my blogs too.

This blog is dedicated to you. Inspire me some more.

Living life........ seeking inner peace

Living life on your terms and conditions ain't as easy as it seems. When you decide to do so, you are alone in your journey, no one supports you and all eyes watch you. You become the example to be followed if you are a success or the jibe of all jokes and nasty remarks if your life is fraught with hindrances.

Does anyone else's opinion really matter? What the heck! It's your life. Go on live it for yourself. you came alone and shall go alone, no one accompanied you and nor shall anybody go with you. Of course, along the journey, some might walk besides you for some time but not forever. It's your journey and how you travel.......... whether you enjoy it or find no solace in it.

It's easy to break all ties in a moment of desperation and very difficult to get it all back again. Because , you have hurt others to embark on your pilgrimage, to find peace, to seek yourself but, what about the others who were there for you through thick and thin?

This isn't enlightenment or your spiritual leanings, it's selfish motive.

Finish your duties to self and others and then move on. No one will miss you but yes, they will remember you as a selfless being, one who lived for others and someone people could lean on when down and out.

Follow your heart, the rest will follow... you don't have to go into the forest or the mountaintop to find inner peace, it's within you ; all you have to do is seek it within. Dance your blues away or compose your calmness quotient, it's all in your hands.

Life isn't easy, nor is moksha.............. you have to live life to find moksha and it's deeper meaning.

Wondering , why I wrote this?.................... Because, I found my inner peace in a crowd.

What others think or preach, matters not; what matters is what you think and how you conduct yourself for your own betterment as a human being.

Because......... at the end of it , it is your journey and you have to travel alone.