I know...

I know you are hurting , so am I..... but the twain can't meet, it is fated so.

We are birds of different feather that can't flock together.

Your aspersions and my apprehension , a mixed bag of guilt, shame and drama....

No , it's too late to start all over again....

This happens always and always we end up hurting each other...

There is no end to this ranting.... there is no beginning to this end

all that there is , is NO MORE

Lots to confess....

Yes, there's lots to confess and so many apologies to tender.... LOL.

What the heck.... why should I apologize? and, pray why not?

A constant dilemma playing in the annals of my dense brain/mind.

Gosh, my confessions are gonna put me in the dock. But , have to confess before I die, at least.

Dunno when that's gonna be , but must confess, I want to die beautifully.

Now, the question arises, what is dying beautifully all about? Funny indeed, makes you give a sarcastic laugh. Yeah, I know.... I couldn't write "Dying young", coz am not young anymore. But, I don't wanna die old.

There's so much I want to do, yet I know there's very little time left. So, the best way to do everything is use the fastest medium available to travel through time and space ..... MY MIND.

In my mind, I have visited places , have paired with the best (wink){there's something wicked about this confession} and cooked the most exotic dishes and ... so on.

Sometimes, your dreams become your reality and I have seen some of my dreams turn into reality. albeit it takes time though.

Lemme confess, the reason I blog is to take it all out and it's eternity. Yes, when I am no more, I want my children to know what I was all about and why I did what I did always, why I said what I said and why one day I just shut up and walked away.

I owe it to my kids. They come foremost in all the decisions I take, coz they are my responsibility and are the most beautiful gifts anyone could ever get.

Today, I have the time, tomorrow I might not have the time to write, so am writing as much possible, penning(blogging) my thoughts and sentiments away as they come in the mind and my fingers tap the keyboard letters to give them shape and sense.

My dad used to say, follow your heart , the rest will follow soon. Yes, that's true, and I stuck to the adage and followed my heart always and must confess , he was right.

Today, I have reached a point from where there's no looking back, the journey only gets steeper and tougher and it's a one way ticket to heaven. Success has come at a cost of personal loss, but it has come and at the pinnacle am standing alone, lonely , yes but knowing fully well that it was destined to happen. No fault of mine, just destiny.

More on destiny later...ciao

Walking by...

Walking by the meandering meadows , nestled amongst the beauty of nature, I contemplate and introspect the meaning of life and come out of this reverie positive that whatever happened so far in my life had a meaning , a purpose... a lesson well learnt.

Today, I am ready to take on new challenges and embark on new adventures, experiment further with my life and my time. Phew! What a feeling ! A feeling of exhilaration, a mixed bag of emotions all spiked up with the thought of starting fresh all over again.

Am joined by a few real good friends, who held my hand when I was slipping away.

Thanks for being there folks.

Am seeing the world from a whole new perspective, a resolve not to cow down to the emotional downturns that may come up, impediments meant to test me and my patience, my perseverance.

It's like being born again, looking at things from the eyes of a child just beginning to comprehend the mysteries of the world and all the trivia in it.

Things are looking positive.......... and on that note , I am out of here for some time...

Dasvidaniya.... Phir milenge

I stood there.............. Dedicated to Dr. Parry ... one of my inspirations

I stood there....I stood there, the wind blew n went, the waves lashed against me n left, I stood there

Like a rock, steadfast...

with seagulls perched on my shoulders....

waiting for the right wind to blow me off my feet...

I stood there waiting for the right wave to sweep me away in its flow...

I stood there....sigh

Well grounded in my belief that one day it will happen....

I waited ... I stood there

It's started again...

When I thought , it was all over, it has started again.

I can't go through it over and over again. Am tired... am hurting.

LEAVE ME ALONE... PLEASE

Emotions long forgotten , do not enter the bastion of an emotionless soul ,

Live and let live, you have nothing to lose,

All I have is my sanity , don't let me lose that. I thought I was over you, but you keep springing back in my life,

back and forth and make it difficult for me to cross over to the other side.

Listless eyes watching the door,

Ears attuned to hear the ring of the instrument, lest it be you,

heart fluttering to hear your footsteps,

kitchen seems desolate without the one who loved what I made,

Gawd end this trauma here, I can't take it anymore...............

The sleepless nights when all we heard were melodies,

with wine to quench the thirst of lost souls....

Bring back the magic, bring back the sunshine, bring back the sparkle in your life........

The sound of flute....

Yes, the sound of flute makes me go bonkers completely.

Reminds me of unrequited love and the pain associated with it. How long will it take to heal a broken heart. But, heal what? Heart is still there but aching...........

It's been ages, heard my favourite song and tears welled up in my eyes..........it didn't have to end this way.

My space or your space.....Does it matter?

Nope it doesn't matter at all.... Omigosh am referring to space as in my space; my time , LOL. We all need to create that niche' for ourselves , that nook where we can go and pour out what we cannot do upfront with people.

This is my space and my thoughts. I don't blink even once before I pen my thoughts and feelings here. My opinion matters here and to me. I am answerable to myself only not the rest of the world.

The 'others' stopped being a part of my journey a long time ago. This is my travel and I like to travel alone and with no baggage at all.

There comes a time when we just need to let go and move on... if people can keep up with your pace, fine ; else, they get left behind.

Seems selfish though, yet godammit does anyone bother at all? No, people only want some spice and chutzpah in life and you provide it to them briefly and then they forget. you are a non - entity and shall remain so.

But, whomsoever I met along the way, I gave them my undying love and friendship, faith and loyalty; it was for them to invest their time and energy to keep the relationship alive, I was there non demanding as always, YOU didn't take up the challenge and the opportunity. YOUR bad luck.

LOL

Nah, Just get on with your life man, and lemme be. I need some sparkle and sunshine in my life too. Am not gonna sit here waiting upon you all my life. There are a lot of uncharted paths to explore, lots to do before I bid adieu to this big bad world of emotional insecurity.

No more will I let anyone take me for granted. I come with a tag, DO NOT DISTURB.

AM TROUBLE.... Never trouble trouble unless trouble troubles you....PONDER over this.

Confusion n chaos...

Yup, am all about confusion n chaos in life. Take it with a pinch of salt if u r gonna go for a walk with me.

Aaj tilanjali de di..... yes, paid tribute to a dead relationship to usher in the new.

I was confused n apprehensive, not anymore. My life is one roller coaster ride , dunno when which turn would come and what upheaval it shall bring with it. It's just plain n simple chaotic. I have come to love the chaos now. I get a kind of sadistic pleasure out of my grief now.

I just can't seem to forget although have forgiven the perpetrator of my grief. Sometimes , it's best to let it be. Time may heal the wound but the scar shall remain.

The confusion n chaos are there no more quite evident but an ebbing pain remains reminding me of what was n what remains.

Matters of the heart perplex me... rather they make me go on a whirlwind tour of the world that can never be mine ever. Why am I born to be unlucky in love always?

Guess it's all in the name. They say your life becomes what your name signifies. My name signifies unrequited love. The pure love of Radha and Krishna but which never culminated ever.

My throat is choked with emotions which can never be expressed. Wish I could take your pain away too. I know , you are confused , depressed and lonely but so am I. We belong to different eras and worlds and the twains shall never meet.

Words fail me at this moment.......... maybe someday you will realize your mistake and come back but by then it would be too late.. I have already embarked on my journey.. a never ending search for my lost soul....