That nagging feeling...

That nagging feeling...
That tugging at the heart....
That nascent love....
Could it be that I was wrong?
Could it be that he really loved me?
Could it be that he didn't want to lose me, so he didn't tell me?
Could it be...?
So many ifs and buts...
No solution in sight....
A feeling of dread....
A numbness in my thoughts.

Was his love... true for me?
Was he really telling the truth?
That nagging feeling...
That dread in my heart....
That little voice deep within...
Saying, give him a chance.

Groovy love....

Yeah.... it was a groovy love...
A love to rave about...
A love to show off....
Touchwood, didn't work,,,,
All hell broke loose...
The evil eye got it's victim...
And the love fell apart.

But, was it really love....
Was it just a game....
A plan by the evil one...
To destroy me completely...
But, Why?....
What did I do to deserve this?
All I did was love selflessly...
All I did was to give of myself completely...
Body and soul....
Yet, all I got in return was....
A broken soul.
It was a groovy kind of love....
It did dig a groove....
A burial ground for me.

Nirvana....

Moksha.... Nirvana....
When do I get it....
When do I get it...
It is time to just forget...
Can't....
Can't forgive... nor forget....
Seething with rage within...
Vipasna.... that's the answer...
Nope...
That's not for me...
Total annihilation...
That's what is going to put to rest...
The questions that rear their ugly head...
In my brain all the time....
Maazi satakli re....
Need answers...
Just answers...
Till then...
The world suffers...
I guess...
Nirvana .... is the answer.

They say...

They say... Move on...
I say... I can't....
I really can't....
Everything has come to a standstill...
Am stuck in a time warp....
I can't go back...
I can't move forward...
All brakes applied...
By an unknown force...
By an unknown known being....
All chains pulled in my train of thought...
A brake applied in my vehicle of thoughts...
Nothing seems to make sense...
Am doing everything in a mechanical manner...
In Auto gear...
Just doing...
Not enjoying...
I need an answer....
Till I don't get an answer...
Am going to hang from the hangman's noose...
Looking for an answer...
Up and down the memory lane...
Here and there...
Everywhere....
Why? The question... echoes from all directions....
Why?
Tell me why? Why me?
They say... you have your life ahead...
Go on ... live your life...
I say NO....
I can't move an inch....
I need an answer to my WHY...
The day I get that answer...
I shall become calm...
But, till then...
I crusade for justice and....
Search for an answer...
I take on the world... if need be...
But, fight I shall...
Till my last breath....
I can't move on ...
Till he tells me WHY....

It's the Grand Finale....

Yes , time for the Grand Finale...
Time has come for the show to begin....
And, here it goes....
Lights, camera, action....
Fireworks...
Sparks...
Water hose...
Make up...
Loads of make up...
A script written impromptu...
The Director...
Up in the sky wondering...
What's happening...
The actors all in place....
The producer wondering....
How to finance this set up?
All wondering what next....
The Scriptwriter, just typing away words...
The actors.... wondering what to do now?
How to emote the myriad of emotions....
Written so well in the script...
The story rolls on...
Into reels....
The tragedy queen comes in front of the camera....
All lights focussed on her....
All eyes fixed on her....
She looks into the camera....
Into the eyes of the Director....
And, sheds tears of blood....
Pours her heart out....
All remain transfixed ....
Not a leaf moves....
Not a word from any quarter....
Just silence...
Pin drop silence....
She turns and walks away into the limelight....
The shadow becoming long behind her....
And, then vanishes....
Nothing remains...
Just reels of emotions....
A superhit formula for a superhit movie...
But the protagonist has moved away....
The Director jumps from his abode high above...
He commits suicide....
The movie is a superhit...
A movie by the Director....
A story gone wrong...
But the public loves it....
The tragedy queen not to be seen....
The Director.... a tormented soul in hell....
It is the Grand Finale....
Lights, Camera, Action....
CUT!

I ...

I ...
The person...
The individual...
The irrational being...
Yet a humane being...
I, the one with anger within...
I, the one with love within too...
I, the giver....
I, the undertaker...
I,... me,... myself....
Which one is me?
Which is the tormented soul?
Which is the evangelist?
A deep thought...
No answer...
Just questions...
No guide....
No checklist...
Just a design to carve....
A path to pave.

Where do I go from here?
Where have I reached?
No clues....
Just questions...
To which there are no answers.

I ...
I am a big question mark....
A query...
I ask myself each day....
Who or what am I?
Where does this journey end?
What do I achieve each day?
What do I end up being?

I am a butterfly....
Metamorphosing each day....
Turning within the cocoon...
Changing shape each moment...
Getting wings ...
Clipped wings...
How do I fly?
I need to fly...
To complete the cycle of life and death.

I need to fly...
Fly, fly, fly away.

Flashbacks....

Lightening flashes somewhere in the distant....Am transported to a different realm... A place I have been with him.... Lush green trees ... A land nestled amongst small hills... Fog, mist.... Misty eyed I turn around... He isn't there.... Just footprints in the mud.... Reminder, he was there once beside me... walking hand in hand... Mouthing odes to my beauty and expressing undying love. 


Flashbacks... The rains bring them on.... driving through the hills... dark night... not an inch ahead to be seen... treacherous turns... yet I was content and safe with him then and thereafter till today... When he ain't there and won't be forever.... He came like a whiff of perfume and left ... vaporized in thin air... I was left gasping for breath... Senseless and dead.

Flashbacks... Of the first night... the Lobster at Tunga, Hiranandani Powai.... The coffee at Aromas.... The meetings at CCD Hiranandani... The wantons at China Ming... The Hub and the late night movies... the holding of hands.... The sweet kisses... the culmination of two beings into one.. The promises of happily ever after... All a distant dream... Just flashbacks.

Remembering each moment... recalling each instance... a painful thought... but flashbacks are all I have.... memories that will keep me awake till the moment I finally close my eyes forever.

He had said... where are the ones who professed their love to you? I ask him... where are you? You professed your love to me too?

Flashbacks ... heavy sinking heart... and no respite... no where to go.... Just a living hell each day... smiling a fake smile for the world... yet weeping deep within.

He says...

He says he loves me...
He says he cares about me...
Yet, why is he so unsure?
Why is he so far?

He is there always...
But, far too far....
Too far to be called...
When in need.

He says ... he is there...
But, he isn't...
He is just a ghost...
 A reminder... from the past....
Of treachery and impotence...
Of guilt and anger.

No, he isn't there...
He can never be there...
He is gone...
Lost forever...
I don't see him...
I shall never see him.