All I think about is.....hehehehehehe

Never make your desires stronger than you. Once they exist, it's very difficult to get over them and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when they are not fulfilled. An anger that distills your soul and vaporises everything within. You lose yourself in the process. All I think about is my anger and how to control it..... my frustrations and how to keep them at bay.... it's a  constant struggle to keep my desires under check.

You say, you know I am thinking all the time.... yup, I am. But, not the way you assume it to be .... the assumption ain't right. I presume, am always in deep thought but not in conniving or devising anything but desiring and attracting the same to me. The secret, I can.... and I shall.

All I think about is, why does this man never say anything. Why? He fulfills all my desires.... I just have to utter a word and lo behold! I get it.... but, what I want to hear, I don't get to hear. I want to hear you say it.... there's no use projecting it..... it makes no sense to me.....Err, it does but I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth..... Neigh....

All I think about is.... you and what am I upto.... where is all this leading to...it makes no sense to me. Am utterly dismayed at my actions and frankly have no clue, why this is happening in the first place... why? No clue at all.

All I think about is, am I doing the right thing? But, dammit.... I have no self control... I just melt on hearing your voice... and knowing that's my weakness, yet I yearn to hear it all the time. Am not confused..... just apprehensive...coz,  all I think about is you , all the time.... anytime... anywhere and everyone knows.....coz am glowing and beaming and shy all the time.... no, I didn't tell anyone... everyone is curious to know... they know whpo it is, but they want me to say it..... whenever your name crops up in conversations and I turn scarlet, they know it... I know it, coz when they utter your name...I turn beetroot red and all eyes are turned on me....the cat gets my tongue... I just keep quiet and THEY KNOW IT.

All, anybody has to do is read my blogs and they would know, it's you.... all they have to do is put the pieces of this puzzle together and see your name carved in my heart.... writ large on my face.... the smile on my lips.... sealed with a kiss.

All I think about is ... YOU.... all the time.

Of Cowboys and Aliens....

Yups.... I love cowboys and aliens fascinate me. It had been ages since I last saw a cowboy oriented movie and something to do with aliens. My thirst was quenched when I saw one which had both my favourite characters in it and also one of my all time favourites Harrison Ford and also one of the latest craze, Daniel Craig. Thank you for springing this surprise on me.

Of course, it was rather impromptu.... I liked it.... or rather I like that.... hahahhahah.

These small little gestures and surprises make a relationship meaningful and something to look forward to and to die for. It makes one sit upright and think....wow! there is someone who cares enough to find time for you despite a hectic and busy life in the Metro. Your heart goes out to the person and you go weak in the knees and you just can't stop gushing all over and beaming a smile from ear to ear. The smile is for all to see. It says it all. My little ones are wondering, why their Mom can't stop smiling.

Being the sceptic that I am, critical in my views ... It's hard to believe that such acts can be conducted even today without a word being said about the feelings that make you do it. Hmmmm.... But, damn it.... I want to hear you out.... shout out... like Tarzan..Omigosh! Why am I behaving like a deeply infatuated school girl.

It's a rather tricky situation as of today..... am travelling on two boats..... one foot on each......... it's like a decision has to be made ...concrete, which one to travel on?  Am set on what I want, but who it is, is a big question. I want love, unconditional pure love.... sincerity, faithfulness, integrity, compassion......not possession.....not someone who ain't sure about himself, who doesn't know left from right, who is hell bent on making himself rather than caring about me.... it's a catch 22 situation and I am not confused but in a dilemma as to how to break the news.But, what's there to say? There is nothing concrete on either side. Nobody has committed and here I am raving and ranting about it, beating the blues out of me, scrounging my head and pulling my hair out for nothing at all.

At least Cowboys are men that know `what they want.... so do Aliens.... but, what's it with men in my life? Why can't they decide once and for all, what they want from me? It can't be money, coz I have none... then, what is it that they seek in me? I have nothing to offer? No youth, no beauty left to show...just a harangued and sick brain.

I wish at this moment, a UFO comes down and sweeps me away into deep space, coz the cowboys have failed to sweep me off my feet and taken me far away to the wild, wild west. What an imagination.... all the work of a diseased mind... infected with LOVE.

Tomorrow's challenges...... Today's solutions..... I am a fraud too...

Tomorrow what happens, we know not.Today, what we do, we know. Tomorrow's challenges are today's solutions. A big statement to make.... and perhaps a bigger mistake in the making. Who cares? I do... No, I don't. A constant dilemma..... no solution in sight..... a heart bereft of any emotions... a mind robbed of its peace.

Who knows what challenges we may face tomorrow. What new problems will come our way.... we can anticipate them,... yet not know fully when they would strike. Are we prepared for an onslaught of possible pain and pleasure? Are we all set in our goals to achieve? Have we archived what we need and what is it that makes us tick? No, and pray why not? It's because, you can't set things your way.... not our goals... what tomorrows dawn brings with it, is a mystery to one and all.. what might happen the next second is a big question... no prophecy no Guru can foretell.

Live in the moment. Every second counts..... Easier said than done.... but,  I do. Going with the flow... as once someone asked me to..... moving and grooving to the bio rhythm of my surroundings.... That's what I do. There are times, when I do feel exasperated.... gasping for air..... I need a breather too and these are the times and life of an otherwise boring and stale moments we live. Monotonous humongous everyday jobs... smiles when you are down and out but yet you need to put up a show of happiness... Huh! Fraud world and fraud emotions... fraud men and fraud women.... all cheating on themselves.... all cheating on others..... Then, how am I different? I am a fraud too. I cheat on myself. I cheat on my emotions and my passion. I deny myself what I truly need. All for what?

All for tomorrow's challenges and today's solutions..... a brief momentary pleasure..... a high and then an all time low. I am a fraud too. I am faking it, when I say I am happy.... I am not..... 

Inner peace......

The image of God.... something which we like..... a devotional song..... music to tired ears....that is what the struggle in life is all about....finding peace....inner peace.

I shed a silent tear..... every now and then...... I know I am nearer to you my creator...... long before it happened..... I saw you...... and I knew you were there... always silently watching.... standing strong behind me.... letting me make mistakes..... holding my hand when I was down and out.

Today too, I need you..... I may say I am financially sound..... I have a great job..... yet I am not happy. I need you to help me take the right decisions....I need you to keep me grounded.... What insecurities bother me... I can't pen them down yet they are bothering me and bringing me down.

I know what I have been upto in the past couple of days isn't morally right..... not in my situation ...not in my capacity..... but am helpless..... my heart just gives way and  am unable to control my actions or the words I speak.

I must bring an end to this frivolous escapade of mine..... yet am in no control of the situation.... Is it fated to be happening? Or, am I just imagining stuff? I am clueless...... am like a puppet acting my part out..... I want this to stop..... it cannot without the participation of the other party. Am the wet cement ....... impressionable.....just like how I put it for little kids.... am not  a kid yet I feel like one... I want to explore the possibilities.... I want to try out new things..... yet my age and status do not permit me so socially... societal pressures are innumerable..... so are emotional downturns.

Peace... inner peace is what I seek...... am unable to achieve it...... It is frustrating to know that you are there yet it is not within your reach. Once upon a time I had everything.... yet I lost it all one night.... In one instance everything was severed and life was shattered to bits and pieces..... yet I stood tall... I braved the storm.... then why today when I have the whole world at my feet am I so helpless and in an introspective mood..... why am I letting it all go for a brief moment of pleasure?

Dangerous liaisons...... that mean the end.... the dooms day prophecy for any relationship. My actions of today scare me..... what is it that I seek? Where is all this going to lead? I was happy in the knowledge that I had none to make me go weak in the knee..... yet today I kneel in front of thee..... seeking answers to questions that I myself cannot answer...... Do not ask me to look within.... do not ask me to search for a solution... I ask you to mend things..... make my life livable again.

These constant batterings to the soul have left me bereft of emotional security......I am reduced to half thinking what is right and what is wrong... trying to remove chaff from the grain that is my soul. My health has taken a lashing..... my mindset a bashing......Am but a sad reflection of my former self.... the regal demeanour replaced by a gaunt look. A ghostly figure...... a spirit in bondage..... I seek inner peace.... nothing else matters.

I spread my wings and soar up high.....

I rested for a while......
 A long while......
And then, I spread my wings.....
And soared up high ....
High in the sky......
Trying to reach for the Sun.....
Trying to move between clouds....
I soared higher and higher..........
The surging thrust.....
The high speed.....
The wind stinging my eyes.....
The tears stealing a way through ....
The corner of my eye......
I close my eyes.....
My lashes soak up the tears.....
I squeeze them shut.... tighter...
And a drop escapes down my cheek.....
I stretch my wings.....
A pain rushes through my muscles.....
I stretch more..... tearing away at my joints......
I spread my wings ... I spread them more.....
I just want to fly away.... far very far.....
Don't know where.....
All alone....Yes, all alone.....
Higher and higher I go....
Where no one can reach me....
No one can hurt me........
My feathers are singed.....
The heat from the blazing Sun.....
Burns my face...
I am but a faceless self....
Unrecognizable to all.....
Now, you can't see me.....
You can't find me......
Am a nameless face amongst the millions....
Teeming the streets of my city.
 Been there, done that........
The adage applies to me....
Am the abominable rolling stone.....
As always rolling away...
Withering with the friction.....
Rolling away towards the end.

Suddenly, something large looms up.....
I don't see it coming....
I had squeezed my eyes shut....
Now, am hit on my head...
I tumble headlong.....
Down I go .....
Down into the ocean I dive.....
Never to surface again.

But, no tears.....
I did spread my wings....
I did soar up high......
I met my end....
Where I wanted it.....
In the depths of the ocean I cherish.....
I lived life....
I really lived it well.....
Albeit a bit late...
Yet I lived.....
No regrets.....
Only confessions before I go.....
Who knows what tomorrow stores....
In its mysterious shadows.

Why does every song remind me of you?......

Hmmmmmm...... Why? Why does every song remind me of you?

Every moment spent in your arms.....
Every blissful hour looking in your eyes....
The songs just say it all.....
Lay all my secrets out....
As though you were writing everything...
Each moment I shared with you.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

You are there besides me....
even though you are far apart...........
 I see you in every bit of nature.....
I see you in every eye....
You are there watching me always....
Am not far apart.....
Just a physical distance....
Two hearts beating in one mind.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

Every word has a meaning....
As though you have told them all...
 Laying bare your heart and soul....
I look for you in every song.....
You are there always..... whenever I need you....
You are aware or not....
But every word I write, I write for you.
Every song reminds me of you ..... yes they do....

It's not the age that sets us apart....
It's not the distance....
It's our differences....
That have brought this moment upon us.....
Yet, far apart......
We keep an eye on each other.....
We care.... yes we do...... yet we cannot be together.....
Blame it on our destinies....
Written by our actions of yesterday......
Yet we love each other unconditionally.....
 We are never far away.

Every song.... every word reminds me of you......

Sparkle says.......

I never left you..... we just drifted apart.
 Am always there... all you have to do is shout out.....
And I shall be there besides you....
You are still family.....
Families never break.....
It's just times that change....
People don't.....
We remain what we are.....
Circumstances change......
Feelings don't......
Remember , I am always there......
All you have to do is call for your family....
And the family will be there.
Sparkle had lost her sparkle.....
She has found it again.....
The glint in the eyes ........
And the sprint in the walk tells all.....
She will never forget you......
The earrings will never let her.....
Nor will the sea green banarasi saree......
Ever leave her wardrobe.....
They all remind her day in and day out.....
Of a beautiful and pure relationship....
A pure and pious man.....
The songs and melodies......
Echo deep within.....
And sparkle knows it all.
Sparkle lost her way.....
Sparkle found her way......
But she lost out on the diamond .....
That was the sparkle in her life.
But deep within....
Sparkle knows.....
She still loves you....
Sparkle has loved and lost many a times....
None left a deeper impact.....
The scar from your separation....
Eats into her conscience.....
But she was true through it all....
A misunderstanding.....
Broke it all......
Yet she stood tall......
In the hope you would understand her stance.....
The distance didn't do much to help....
And we grew apart.
Sparkle reads what you express....
Each day.... looking for a fresh new blog....
She knows, you would let her know....
Through your words of wisdom....
The state of mind you are in....
She still keeps in touch with you....
Although from the shadows within.
Each day, she hopes and prays for your health....
Each day she sends her energy to you.....
She may be in another realm....
Yet she remembers you.
Sparkle says.... thank you.....
Thank you for remembering me......
Hope to meet you again....
As the best of friends that we were.
You made music for me....
I heard you then...
Today I understand it.....
And miss your smile....
Which was the turning point in life....
Am not ashamed of what I feel....
Coz these are feelings pure....
Unabashed I say it all....
You were there then....
You are here now.....
You never left the chamber of heart....
You were locked within.....
Today I unlock the key....
You are a free bird again.
Soar , soar up high...
O' Bird of paradise.....
Rise , rise up and above....
Your time has come....
You have my wishes to carry you through....
Every lake and barrier....
You are a free spirit....
That cannot be locked anywhere.....
Land or the hemisphere....
You are the spirit of love....
You are the spirit of freedom.....
You have no fear.....
That is why you were dear....
Dear then and now too....
Only the equation is very clear.....
You shall always remain in my thoughts....
Never shall you be afar.......
You know which door to knock.....
When you want your family near.

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !: "There are times that I sit and wonder what will become of life. Through good times and bad, Autumn leaves fall and a cool wind gusts by, I s..."