Living a lie.....

Today, Life is all about living a lie.
A lie to be told.
A forced smile on the lips for the world to see.
But, an aching heart within.

Hard to believe....
Right said... it's hard...
But, I live a life of true lies...
Lies that know no bounds....
Lies that make people happy....
Lies that make work happen.....
Lies that pain me....
Smile that's hard to paste on my lips...
But, smile I do....Day in and day out....
A forced existence for the loved ones.....
My life is all about living a lie.

I live a lie...
But, I don't lie....
And, it hurts...
It hurts people.....
My truth hurts them bad....
It hurts me to hurt them...
But, I can't lie....
And, hence am alone and single....
Coz' people can't face truth....
They can't look me in the eye.....
I am the mirror they don't wanna see....
I am the lie they hide behind....
I am the truth they are running away from.

Living a life of lies...
True blue lies.....
Severing of all ties....
No one close....
Not even the ones whom I care about.

Dunno whom to open up to...
Dunno whom to dpend upon...
Dunno where to turn to...
When the sun sets in the horizon.

Living a life of lies....
Blatant truths and reluctant lies.

Of love and much much more...

I can write on and on.....
Volumes on .......
Love and much much more....
Theory comes easy to me....
Practicality isn't my forte'.


Long long ago....
I lost touch with reality....
A really long time ago.....
I became humanly inhumane.

I am what I am....
Because of my life experiences....
I am the  monster that I am....
Because of the decisions I took.
Yet, even in my name....
I never took your name....
I never looked back again.

Each that came along....
Was lost along the way....
Coz' none could be you......
And you could be none.
My life is colourful....
With experiences galore....
Yet, it is sepia.....
Black and white.....
With darkness to the core.

I could write on love and much more.....
Of love and wanting more....
Of pain and days of yore....
But words fail me....
They are at the tip of my tongue and fingers...
Yet am not able to express them....
Human feelings and expressions.....
They are a part of my museum....
My museum of history....
No more a topic of today....
More a chapter from a tattered and torn book.

I definitely want to love....
I really want to give of myself....
But, to whom?
They are all so shallow.....
The men that enter my life...
Why can't I see through their lies?
Why can't I discern between good and bad?
What is it that clogs my memory?
What is it that blocks my vision?
What is it that would really make me happy?
No, not a man again!!!

Wilted Lily....

Jilted in love......
With no fragrance left to share.....
Am a wilted lily....
On the guillotine  board.....
Ready to be beheaded.....
By my own guilt.

Wilted beyond recognition.....
Wrinkled and shaved head......
Held down in shame.....
For the lost vanity of days of yore.

A youth lost early on.....
A day escaped from the sunset.....
You took it all away....
All too soon.

Your escape changed the course of my life...
Your lies changed the  history and geography too....
I became a homeless wreck.....
I became the abominable vixen....
Viewed by all in pity.....
Draped not in virtues, in sin city.

A blooming rose once....
A wilted lily now.

No words to express....

No words to express the feelings being felt these days....
These days am not myself.....
These days am seemingly lost....
Lost to myself and others.....
Friends and colleagues wonder.....
Where has my smile gone yonder.....
Here and there beyonder....
Up and down under.....
Somewhere with the receding monsoon thunder.

No words.... just feelings....
Expressive eyes and a sly but wry smile.....
Where has the bubbly laughter gone....
Where has the wrinkly closed eyes gone....
Where has the dimpled cheeks and cleft chin gone?

Now all that is there is....
A person skeptical....
A person wondering....
A person full of thoughts....
Filled with apprehension...
Looking at every person with distrust....
No words to express the change in persona...
No words to express the vanity lost....
No words to express the trust hindered...
No words to express the values compromised.

Oops!!!! Once again.... All over again....

Head over heels in love once again...... Done it again!!!!

I swore I would never fall in love again after the last break up and I have fallen in love once again. The hopeless romantic that I am, I just can't keep my feelings to myself, and always end up expressing them some way or the other.

Falling in love over and over again comes naturally to me always. Am a natural. Lol!!!!

The guys must be wondering what is she..... insatiable hunger for love always.

I am looking towards making it work for me and the person in my life today. It's not that I never worked at making it work other times also, I did... but I guess you can't clap with one hand.... you need two to tango.

Tango I did....but the mango had no juice in it. Lol!!!!

Am so afraid of commitments now. Somehow commitments don't seem to work for me. The moment I commit myself, everything falls apart. The bricks of the building start falling down upon my head, like Chinese torture. so much for commitment and fidelity. It sounds good only in financial commitments... fidelity bonds. Have seen the ups and downs and the innards of the men so far.... dunno where I lack in my fidelity and commitments. Guess, am not made for the men of this world.

So, in this new relationship there is no commitment..... just fun and companionship. No expectations..... just the feelings but unquenched desires so that it doesn't hurt once again. This time round no dreams, no imaginary world of togetherness, just a need based relation. A need to be there to listen to each other but no expectations that the other person really ought to be there. I WON'T  COMMIT THIS TIME ROUND.

Yes, am in love with a person per se, an individual with some chutzpah and a different on the word around us. But, am afraid to commit. What if he is lost somewhere in this journey of life. I don't want to be left behind hurting.

I am not looking at any commitment from him. He doesn't seem the type to commit..... more the rolling stone type..... my type..... gathering no moss. Let's see what time has in store for us..... as it is, it's a mismatch all the way. No further comments..... just feel the music, the feelings and let go of the past and all the future apprehensions..... coz' there can't be apprehensions if there is no future. Future there seems to be none so far.... he is non committal... and am too afraid to commit. Lol!!!

I Lol a lot..... just a way to express my frustration at the irony of life..... what it serves on a platter is a surprise..... albeit am waiting for something pleasant to turn up one fine day.... hopes of a hopeless romantic..... Till when?..... Good Question!!!!

What do I write?

Am absolutely clueless....
What do I write?
About whom? About what?....
There is nothing left to say or express...
Am  a blank....
A writer's block ....
So to say ... That stops me in my steps....
There is lots to pour out....
Yet words fail me....
Guess my eyes tell them all.....
My kohl rimmed eyes....
Once full of life....
Now dull and lifeless.
What do I write?
My woes and my loneliness....
A regular ranting....
Now long gone dead.....
No more expectations...
Just a sigh....
A sigh of relief.... It's over....
Or is it Really over?
Finally, just a question mark.....
A pregnant pause and a dead silence....
Followed dutifully by a nagging feeling of dread....
A feeling of decaying relations....
A feeling of love gone sour.
What do I write?
Of birds and bees no more....
Of flowery springs of yore....
Of spontaneous smiles....
Making energetic a weary traveller....
Nothing left to brag about,,,,
All the feelings long gone dead.....
No one to care about....
Coz' no one cares about you.
What do I write?
Can't think of a word .....
That would describe this state of being....
Not a can of worms to open....
No nothing... just an eerie silence....
A feeling of dread .....
A feeling long gone dead.
What do I write?.......

A day spent introspecting.....

Spent the day so far thinking, introspecting, weighing the pros and cons and wondering where is it all leading to, where is the end.... if there is one, where is it or is there no end to all this rigmarole of life and it is something that keeps on going on and on and on.....

One just wonders about the meaning of life if it has any to give ... an explanation to your existence if there is any or is it just existing and subsisting but no life real life at all. Words big or small cannot describe what we feel or think... they are just words for what we go through and then nothing at all...... words that make us pour out the innermost feelings and desires and then others claim to know us well ... but is it really so? Can anyone really know you?..... You yourself don't know who you are or the purpose of your being.

Am always wondering ... especially about my escapades .... my brushes with life and death.... my whole being questioned all the time..... that's why he quips, "What is it you are thinking about?" ..... Am always in a thinking mode..... wondering .... retrospecting and introspecting. Is that all I need to do? Is that all I do ? I do so much yet have an insatiable hunger to do more and more....never convinced that what I have done is really done.

There was a time when I felt redundant. Today am at peace with myself as what I can do no one else can do. This has left me with an air that reeks of a superiority complex. No, this is not what I want to do. I want to fly, soar high but still remain grounded. The effort is on always.

A day well spent... introspecting yet remaining grounded to my roots and values.

They don't make 'em men anymore......

They don't make 'em men anymore....
You get them a dime a dozen.....
Groping and begging with lame excuses.......
Looking for a fresh new start always...
You don't get 'em men anymore.

Sex and lies is all they know.....
Love is tossed out the window.....
Integrity a thing prehistoric.....
Real passion something ancient...
A thing of past... feelings redundant.
You don't get 'em men anymore.

Last times bitterness spills over every now and then....
Making me question the new one....
Making me suspect every smile....
Making me suspect....
My own emotions.
They don't make 'em men anymore.