Oops! I did it again....

Oops! I did it again.....
I promised myself...
I won't fall in love....
And I did......
So here I am.....
Once again in a soup.....
Oops! I did it again.

The heartache has begun.....
The pain is back....
I fell in love...
And hurt myself once again.....
Another number added to the long long list...
As you would like to put it...
It should make you glad.....
Am off your back.
You are free to go....
Wherever you came from...
Wherever you wanna go...
Never the one to hold anyone back....
I set you free....But...
Did I ever shackle you?
No, I didn't  do that...
Am not the kinds to tie anyone...
Am the one who lets you remain free...
Oops! I did it again..
Sorry dear heart of mine...
I know you are feeble and not fine...
I can't help but fall in love....
For you are made to give....
Just one more time.....
Brave the pain....
I promise....Dear heart...
Never to fail you again....
I swear, love is not for me....
I realise after the fall.....
It's from our mistakes we learn...
I seem to forget all the time.

Oops! I did it again.....

No clarification to give or needed............

Need no clarification....
Nor feel the need to give one....
That's how I am...........
Unpredictable, just like you.

No assumptions...
I ain't assuming.....
Done with all that before....
Am in no mood at all....
No mood for arguments....
No mood for clarifying....
I am just like that....
Take it or leave it....
Like it or lump it.

My life sucks...
I have no choice...
I made the choice....
And am paying the price for it...
A lifetime of struggle....
To create an identity I lost.....
Am lost n this maze....
That you call life....
It ain't for me.....
I am made for pain....
And that's what you get....
When you hold my hand...
A lifetime of pain.

Let me be by myself....
Or come join me....
The choice is yours to make....
Not my liberty to take.

I have nothing to lose...
You would have to stake....
All that you've got....
To be by my side....
I don't think you are ready for that.............
It's a rough road to take....
Too many potholes...
Not ones you can navigate.

So, be the free bird that you are...
Let me be alone....
I was made for solitary life....
Not a companion  to take.

No clarification to give or needed.....
Go live your life your way.....
Lemme walk alone my way.

On a day like this......

On a day like this, when people the world over are catching up on friends and relations..... my own friends are sending messages and trying to bond with me.... Why am I so sad? Why have I switched off? Why am I hiding?Why am I shying away from responding? What is it that I am covering up? Why...........

Why am I listening to depressing songs making me feel horribly miserable? Damn this state of being.....

On a day when everyone is bonding... why am I aloof?

Where has my sense of humor gone? I need to bring it back to bounce back else I shall sink..... sink in the quicksand of depression...... Now's not the time for that.... I have only just begun....... Can't get pulled down by setbacks and heartbreaks.....

Guess, this song by Dido sums it all up for the time being....

Nothing that I have is truly mine.... Dido

Yes, my life is for rent.....And, I don't like to buy.... Nothing I have is truly mine... DIDO...

That sums up what I am feeling and am .............

Miserably blogging my blues away............Painting a new picture again....

The best thing to do.... Love yourself... you will never end up hurting yourself. People come and go.... you shall remain with yourself..... The self remains.

Miserable.... is the word of the day. Feeling utterly miserable, thanks to this ever believing heart that believes every lie it is told and then ends up down in the dumps ultimately. Have been a fool ... so to say... made a terrible fool out of myself.... a laughing stock in front of others.... Believing something which was not there and the message was clear.... I was just time pass.

The hurt goes deeper than I thought it would......it's unbearable... am feeling miserable to the extent of looking for a place to hide my face in shame. I just need to get away from all this.... maybe walk away from what exists and go far away... easier said than done.... my responsibilities don't allow me this freedom... and I shall remain miserable ....knowing well the bone of contention is around.

The situation gets worse when you can't even cry lest someone sees your tears and you are considered weak.

A turmoil deep in the recesses of a bleeding heart .... a struggle to bring a false smile on your face that has lost all its glow and glory.

Seriously, why can't I just let go and swear never to give anybody a chance to ever break my heart again and again. I need to make myself an armour of steel.... Iron lady.... Ice maiden... that's the solution..... nothing and no one can penetrate that wall and I shall be safe and single again. What a blissful feeling it would be... no one to look forward to.... no one to say anything to.... no one to belong to... lonely, melancholy and all by myself and blogging away about nonsensical stuff and people who no more matter in my life. Is that so? Is that reality... or am I creating a wall around myself and turning into a recluse the same one that I was a while ago. But, at least I wasn't hurting then,,, is that so? I was hurting then,,,, am hurting now.... and shall always hurt coz I am  human and I have loved and lost and I shall make the same mistake over and over again.... loving and losing is a beautiful game.... my favourite game.....Time to just let go and move on.... I don't need to explain myself.... I have done no wrong... your notions and assumptions held you back.... remain there..... I can't sit still.... am not still waters am the river .... I can't stop and rest at  a place.... I move on.... go with the flow... I have no destination ...... am sometimes calm and sometimes wild ..... That's who I am.... You are a solid rock.... I take  a piece of you with me and you are left behind as I move on. Move on ... I must... That's my destiny..... and I make my destiny today.... and henceforth.

Whew! What an outburst..... Am feeling empty within. Blank..... Erased.

Let me get my easel, paints and brush and start painting a new picture again...........

Confused confessions..... Dawning upon me...

I am always getting confused.....
A state of affair since I gained consciousness...
I guess, am always getting lost....
In meandering gullies and lanes...
And in the travails of life.

Confused confessions to make ...
Confusion to create....
Mirages to blow over....
Like inflated balloons to pop over....
A bursting medley of popcorn emotions....
Gone down the gullet in a jiffy....
A vanishing act seldom seen...
In sound minds ...
And awakened souls.

Confessions today,,,
Coz' the lady has been unjust to herself....
A long long time...
It's time to bring in some joy.....
To usher in illumination....
A brilliance  desired.....
A flame rekindled.

A living hell...
If Pandora's box is opened...
Confessions can singe your skin...
Burn your flesh...
The roasting smell overbearing...
A very rotten sight to see.

Let the confessions be... Lady...
This ain't the right time to let it all out...
Wait... bide your time...
Don't lose sleep over someone....
Who has no time for you....
But, yes give the new dawn a chance....
Which brings a smile to your tired lips.

Dawning upon me ....
Is a confession ...
My heart has to make....
Should I make it now...
Or, wait for the right time....
If it is to ever come....?
Confused confession.....Dawning upon me.....

All I think about is.....hehehehehehe

Never make your desires stronger than you. Once they exist, it's very difficult to get over them and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when they are not fulfilled. An anger that distills your soul and vaporises everything within. You lose yourself in the process. All I think about is my anger and how to control it..... my frustrations and how to keep them at bay.... it's a  constant struggle to keep my desires under check.

You say, you know I am thinking all the time.... yup, I am. But, not the way you assume it to be .... the assumption ain't right. I presume, am always in deep thought but not in conniving or devising anything but desiring and attracting the same to me. The secret, I can.... and I shall.

All I think about is, why does this man never say anything. Why? He fulfills all my desires.... I just have to utter a word and lo behold! I get it.... but, what I want to hear, I don't get to hear. I want to hear you say it.... there's no use projecting it..... it makes no sense to me.....Err, it does but I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth..... Neigh....

All I think about is.... you and what am I upto.... where is all this leading to...it makes no sense to me. Am utterly dismayed at my actions and frankly have no clue, why this is happening in the first place... why? No clue at all.

All I think about is, am I doing the right thing? But, dammit.... I have no self control... I just melt on hearing your voice... and knowing that's my weakness, yet I yearn to hear it all the time. Am not confused..... just apprehensive...coz,  all I think about is you , all the time.... anytime... anywhere and everyone knows.....coz am glowing and beaming and shy all the time.... no, I didn't tell anyone... everyone is curious to know... they know whpo it is, but they want me to say it..... whenever your name crops up in conversations and I turn scarlet, they know it... I know it, coz when they utter your name...I turn beetroot red and all eyes are turned on me....the cat gets my tongue... I just keep quiet and THEY KNOW IT.

All, anybody has to do is read my blogs and they would know, it's you.... all they have to do is put the pieces of this puzzle together and see your name carved in my heart.... writ large on my face.... the smile on my lips.... sealed with a kiss.

All I think about is ... YOU.... all the time.

Of Cowboys and Aliens....

Yups.... I love cowboys and aliens fascinate me. It had been ages since I last saw a cowboy oriented movie and something to do with aliens. My thirst was quenched when I saw one which had both my favourite characters in it and also one of my all time favourites Harrison Ford and also one of the latest craze, Daniel Craig. Thank you for springing this surprise on me.

Of course, it was rather impromptu.... I liked it.... or rather I like that.... hahahhahah.

These small little gestures and surprises make a relationship meaningful and something to look forward to and to die for. It makes one sit upright and think....wow! there is someone who cares enough to find time for you despite a hectic and busy life in the Metro. Your heart goes out to the person and you go weak in the knees and you just can't stop gushing all over and beaming a smile from ear to ear. The smile is for all to see. It says it all. My little ones are wondering, why their Mom can't stop smiling.

Being the sceptic that I am, critical in my views ... It's hard to believe that such acts can be conducted even today without a word being said about the feelings that make you do it. Hmmmm.... But, damn it.... I want to hear you out.... shout out... like Tarzan..Omigosh! Why am I behaving like a deeply infatuated school girl.

It's a rather tricky situation as of today..... am travelling on two boats..... one foot on each......... it's like a decision has to be made ...concrete, which one to travel on?  Am set on what I want, but who it is, is a big question. I want love, unconditional pure love.... sincerity, faithfulness, integrity, compassion......not possession.....not someone who ain't sure about himself, who doesn't know left from right, who is hell bent on making himself rather than caring about me.... it's a catch 22 situation and I am not confused but in a dilemma as to how to break the news.But, what's there to say? There is nothing concrete on either side. Nobody has committed and here I am raving and ranting about it, beating the blues out of me, scrounging my head and pulling my hair out for nothing at all.

At least Cowboys are men that know `what they want.... so do Aliens.... but, what's it with men in my life? Why can't they decide once and for all, what they want from me? It can't be money, coz I have none... then, what is it that they seek in me? I have nothing to offer? No youth, no beauty left to show...just a harangued and sick brain.

I wish at this moment, a UFO comes down and sweeps me away into deep space, coz the cowboys have failed to sweep me off my feet and taken me far away to the wild, wild west. What an imagination.... all the work of a diseased mind... infected with LOVE.