Of Cowboys and Aliens....

Yups.... I love cowboys and aliens fascinate me. It had been ages since I last saw a cowboy oriented movie and something to do with aliens. My thirst was quenched when I saw one which had both my favourite characters in it and also one of my all time favourites Harrison Ford and also one of the latest craze, Daniel Craig. Thank you for springing this surprise on me.

Of course, it was rather impromptu.... I liked it.... or rather I like that.... hahahhahah.

These small little gestures and surprises make a relationship meaningful and something to look forward to and to die for. It makes one sit upright and think....wow! there is someone who cares enough to find time for you despite a hectic and busy life in the Metro. Your heart goes out to the person and you go weak in the knees and you just can't stop gushing all over and beaming a smile from ear to ear. The smile is for all to see. It says it all. My little ones are wondering, why their Mom can't stop smiling.

Being the sceptic that I am, critical in my views ... It's hard to believe that such acts can be conducted even today without a word being said about the feelings that make you do it. Hmmmm.... But, damn it.... I want to hear you out.... shout out... like Tarzan..Omigosh! Why am I behaving like a deeply infatuated school girl.

It's a rather tricky situation as of today..... am travelling on two boats..... one foot on each......... it's like a decision has to be made ...concrete, which one to travel on?  Am set on what I want, but who it is, is a big question. I want love, unconditional pure love.... sincerity, faithfulness, integrity, compassion......not possession.....not someone who ain't sure about himself, who doesn't know left from right, who is hell bent on making himself rather than caring about me.... it's a catch 22 situation and I am not confused but in a dilemma as to how to break the news.But, what's there to say? There is nothing concrete on either side. Nobody has committed and here I am raving and ranting about it, beating the blues out of me, scrounging my head and pulling my hair out for nothing at all.

At least Cowboys are men that know `what they want.... so do Aliens.... but, what's it with men in my life? Why can't they decide once and for all, what they want from me? It can't be money, coz I have none... then, what is it that they seek in me? I have nothing to offer? No youth, no beauty left to show...just a harangued and sick brain.

I wish at this moment, a UFO comes down and sweeps me away into deep space, coz the cowboys have failed to sweep me off my feet and taken me far away to the wild, wild west. What an imagination.... all the work of a diseased mind... infected with LOVE.

Tomorrow's challenges...... Today's solutions..... I am a fraud too...

Tomorrow what happens, we know not.Today, what we do, we know. Tomorrow's challenges are today's solutions. A big statement to make.... and perhaps a bigger mistake in the making. Who cares? I do... No, I don't. A constant dilemma..... no solution in sight..... a heart bereft of any emotions... a mind robbed of its peace.

Who knows what challenges we may face tomorrow. What new problems will come our way.... we can anticipate them,... yet not know fully when they would strike. Are we prepared for an onslaught of possible pain and pleasure? Are we all set in our goals to achieve? Have we archived what we need and what is it that makes us tick? No, and pray why not? It's because, you can't set things your way.... not our goals... what tomorrows dawn brings with it, is a mystery to one and all.. what might happen the next second is a big question... no prophecy no Guru can foretell.

Live in the moment. Every second counts..... Easier said than done.... but,  I do. Going with the flow... as once someone asked me to..... moving and grooving to the bio rhythm of my surroundings.... That's what I do. There are times, when I do feel exasperated.... gasping for air..... I need a breather too and these are the times and life of an otherwise boring and stale moments we live. Monotonous humongous everyday jobs... smiles when you are down and out but yet you need to put up a show of happiness... Huh! Fraud world and fraud emotions... fraud men and fraud women.... all cheating on themselves.... all cheating on others..... Then, how am I different? I am a fraud too. I cheat on myself. I cheat on my emotions and my passion. I deny myself what I truly need. All for what?

All for tomorrow's challenges and today's solutions..... a brief momentary pleasure..... a high and then an all time low. I am a fraud too. I am faking it, when I say I am happy.... I am not..... 

Inner peace......

The image of God.... something which we like..... a devotional song..... music to tired ears....that is what the struggle in life is all about....finding peace....inner peace.

I shed a silent tear..... every now and then...... I know I am nearer to you my creator...... long before it happened..... I saw you...... and I knew you were there... always silently watching.... standing strong behind me.... letting me make mistakes..... holding my hand when I was down and out.

Today too, I need you..... I may say I am financially sound..... I have a great job..... yet I am not happy. I need you to help me take the right decisions....I need you to keep me grounded.... What insecurities bother me... I can't pen them down yet they are bothering me and bringing me down.

I know what I have been upto in the past couple of days isn't morally right..... not in my situation ...not in my capacity..... but am helpless..... my heart just gives way and  am unable to control my actions or the words I speak.

I must bring an end to this frivolous escapade of mine..... yet am in no control of the situation.... Is it fated to be happening? Or, am I just imagining stuff? I am clueless...... am like a puppet acting my part out..... I want this to stop..... it cannot without the participation of the other party. Am the wet cement ....... impressionable.....just like how I put it for little kids.... am not  a kid yet I feel like one... I want to explore the possibilities.... I want to try out new things..... yet my age and status do not permit me so socially... societal pressures are innumerable..... so are emotional downturns.

Peace... inner peace is what I seek...... am unable to achieve it...... It is frustrating to know that you are there yet it is not within your reach. Once upon a time I had everything.... yet I lost it all one night.... In one instance everything was severed and life was shattered to bits and pieces..... yet I stood tall... I braved the storm.... then why today when I have the whole world at my feet am I so helpless and in an introspective mood..... why am I letting it all go for a brief moment of pleasure?

Dangerous liaisons...... that mean the end.... the dooms day prophecy for any relationship. My actions of today scare me..... what is it that I seek? Where is all this going to lead? I was happy in the knowledge that I had none to make me go weak in the knee..... yet today I kneel in front of thee..... seeking answers to questions that I myself cannot answer...... Do not ask me to look within.... do not ask me to search for a solution... I ask you to mend things..... make my life livable again.

These constant batterings to the soul have left me bereft of emotional security......I am reduced to half thinking what is right and what is wrong... trying to remove chaff from the grain that is my soul. My health has taken a lashing..... my mindset a bashing......Am but a sad reflection of my former self.... the regal demeanour replaced by a gaunt look. A ghostly figure...... a spirit in bondage..... I seek inner peace.... nothing else matters.

I spread my wings and soar up high.....

I rested for a while......
 A long while......
And then, I spread my wings.....
And soared up high ....
High in the sky......
Trying to reach for the Sun.....
Trying to move between clouds....
I soared higher and higher..........
The surging thrust.....
The high speed.....
The wind stinging my eyes.....
The tears stealing a way through ....
The corner of my eye......
I close my eyes.....
My lashes soak up the tears.....
I squeeze them shut.... tighter...
And a drop escapes down my cheek.....
I stretch my wings.....
A pain rushes through my muscles.....
I stretch more..... tearing away at my joints......
I spread my wings ... I spread them more.....
I just want to fly away.... far very far.....
Don't know where.....
All alone....Yes, all alone.....
Higher and higher I go....
Where no one can reach me....
No one can hurt me........
My feathers are singed.....
The heat from the blazing Sun.....
Burns my face...
I am but a faceless self....
Unrecognizable to all.....
Now, you can't see me.....
You can't find me......
Am a nameless face amongst the millions....
Teeming the streets of my city.
 Been there, done that........
The adage applies to me....
Am the abominable rolling stone.....
As always rolling away...
Withering with the friction.....
Rolling away towards the end.

Suddenly, something large looms up.....
I don't see it coming....
I had squeezed my eyes shut....
Now, am hit on my head...
I tumble headlong.....
Down I go .....
Down into the ocean I dive.....
Never to surface again.

But, no tears.....
I did spread my wings....
I did soar up high......
I met my end....
Where I wanted it.....
In the depths of the ocean I cherish.....
I lived life....
I really lived it well.....
Albeit a bit late...
Yet I lived.....
No regrets.....
Only confessions before I go.....
Who knows what tomorrow stores....
In its mysterious shadows.

Why does every song remind me of you?......

Hmmmmmm...... Why? Why does every song remind me of you?

Every moment spent in your arms.....
Every blissful hour looking in your eyes....
The songs just say it all.....
Lay all my secrets out....
As though you were writing everything...
Each moment I shared with you.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

You are there besides me....
even though you are far apart...........
 I see you in every bit of nature.....
I see you in every eye....
You are there watching me always....
Am not far apart.....
Just a physical distance....
Two hearts beating in one mind.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

Every word has a meaning....
As though you have told them all...
 Laying bare your heart and soul....
I look for you in every song.....
You are there always..... whenever I need you....
You are aware or not....
But every word I write, I write for you.
Every song reminds me of you ..... yes they do....

It's not the age that sets us apart....
It's not the distance....
It's our differences....
That have brought this moment upon us.....
Yet, far apart......
We keep an eye on each other.....
We care.... yes we do...... yet we cannot be together.....
Blame it on our destinies....
Written by our actions of yesterday......
Yet we love each other unconditionally.....
 We are never far away.

Every song.... every word reminds me of you......

Retro mood.....

Yup in a retro mood..... listening to old depressing hindi songs and remembering all the souls whom I met in my journey of life and left behind..... not my fault.... they couldn't keep pace with me.. I had to move on.... lest they see that I was hurting too, leaving them behind in my quest to look for myself... to search for me.......... all that mattered was me.... no one else............ so selfish yet so selfless........

Confessional mode of operation...... letting it all out........... just like that..... It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul and yet expect the other person to understand your stance in a relationship....no holds barred yet no strings attached.

We all have our demons attached to our souls that just remain there, stuck to your persona.... never letting go.... a knot in the string that doesn't allow you to go back but cajoles you to move on....... keeping that ache within, tears at bay not dropping a drop, lest the world thinks you are a weakling..... a brave front for the world to see.... yet bleeding within...... heavy heart and heavy footsteps... egging your soul to move on .... move on I did.... but a resolve to never let anyone hurt me again... ever.

When you came back in my life.... I was apprehensive, but you told me you were back for good..... but, where are you? You are lost even to yourself............ I can't connect with you anymore...... I can't let you take me for granted..... I need to move on........ you were my past and today your actions prove that you really were my past and should have remained buried in the confines of my consciousness not surfaced to hurt me again. Your assurances seem empty, they mean nothing at all..... so empty .... resonating within an empty vessel.... hurting me again. It is but right.... why did I give you the right to hurt me all over again? My fault, not yours..... can't blame you....this is the only medium through which I know I can let you know that you have hurt me again.... unknowingly or knowingly.... only you know best. Your demons got the better of me in this relationship..... a floundering one.... in a deep abyss..... maybe never to surface again.

Unstring me...... uncuff me.... let me go........I want to be left alone........I guess am made for melancholy solitariness and the life of a gypsy... thirsty for knowledge and a lonely journey forward.......

What a mood!!!...... Retro mood.......baring it all........the fangs that would make anyone bleed tears of blood... But, what to do....am like this ....hence this confession.

My heart bleeds with the rains....

My heart bleeds when it rains..... reminds me of the pain locked within... which gets unlocked with the key of rain mixed with thunder and lightening.

The rain washes away the pain..... a momentary respite.....a needed break. My words are incoherent yet with deep felt meanings for the one who needs to understand what I really mean.

Am hurting. The pain never subsides. It ebbs ... comes and goes... leaving me drained and fatigued.

The past wells up in my eyes as tears, to be washed away by the droplets of rain.  A pain only a heart that has genuinely felt pain can understand. These are not frivolous words nor are these words to flatter. They have a meaning, a message to convey..... My hurt is an integral part of my life...no matter what happiness you give me... my hurt shall raise its hood over and over again.  Can you deal with that? Can you deal with my demons? Can you deal with my mood swings? Can you deal with my spoilt brat status? Can you deal with my  
many vices? No one can..... we need to deal with our problems on our own especially when you keep yours to yourself... not letting me in on your problems..laughing them off yet keeping aloof...maintaining a distance.

I can deal with every thing but not the distancing. It confuses me about what's playing in your mind. It scares me to death not knowing what hotch potch is going on in your head.

My heart shouts out to you.... the sound drowns in the rain... and I stand alone yet again... all alone.

Misty hills.....

Tonight I am reminded of the misty hills, the heights you took me to and we disappeared in the foggy night.... merged with the creatures of the dark and reveled in exploring the realms of each others being.

A night to remember, never out of mind...... a romantic setting on a humid moonless night.

The journey to the destination, a long winding one, over treacherous terrain. Yet, you made it seem so smooth and effortless while paying full attention to me and what I said.  What are you? Human or robot? You have feelings yet you do not express. If your music be your form of expression , so be it. Am all set to understand you through that medium.

You said it's hard for you to express via public display of affection , yet every pore of your body screams and says you love me, else you wouldn't do what you do for me.... you make me smile every moment.

Nah, am not putting two and two together..... it's already there, the signs and the emotions, the expression is missing yet the acts spell it all.

Am waiting patiently to hear you say what I yearn to hear..... Misty hills, et al... are but a part of that love story.... waiting to unfurl if all goes well.... else another silent heartbreak and no one hears the shatter at all.... another love story goes in the trash bin before being written.

But, of course, misty hills will flood my memories.... and you shall come floating in the picture again .... but just a fleeting glimpse ....coz I would have moved on.....

There can be no other feeling greater than being in love......or have I just been imagining it all..... a mirage... a false picture...... a fleeting glimpse....coz am stuck in a time warp.....

I just rewind and go back to the misty hills..... as though my soul has been left behind there.... in that moment of happiness I roam the hills searching for you like a ghost in  a lonely stretch of forest.

Misty hills.... am lost somewhere there.............