Not the last blog.... just not yet

Yup, Just not yet my last blog. How can I not write what I feel? How can I not express what I go through? Am  a Word smith, I can't stop spinning my web of words..... It's my life....

When I am at any juncture in my life.... words give me company... my thoughts turn into words and flow out.... inner peace is what they provide my troubled mind with. Turbulent relationships, staid and boring ones, all are expressed through words. Excitement filled days and days when nothing happens, my words give me company.

I do not follow a pre-written format or a given set of instructions. I just write what comes to my mind in whichever manner my fingers deem it fit to type the letters out.

Am so in love with my musings that I feel I need to give vent to them and let them just flow, fly on wings of words and embed in my blog. There is a thin line between sanity and insanity, I am on that border... but what the heck, does it matter as long as I am able to express what's bothering me and what eggs me on.

My words bring peace to my mind. They bring a semblance to my thoughts. They make me think.... and implement. I write and do what I need to do. When you read what you have written and feel Oh My God! Is this what I wrote, I must be crazy deep down, you know you have arrived.. you have hit Bull's Eye. You have connected with your self and made a bonding. That's the bond that sets you free to explore alternatives to words that you have used and find new ones to express yourself with.

Just not yet, am I ready to hang up my boots..... I have only just begun.... It's my calling now... and I go for the kill and make a life and career out of it. So, although I would be hard pressed for time, but I shall keep popping in and out of my blog spot adding a zing and chutzpah to it from time to time.

This or any other is not my last blog, not my last musing.... it's just the tip of an iceberg.... there's lots more coming beneath it to down the Titanic, that is life............ to take in what I feel and take along what I feel henceforth... an expression of myself..... just not yet... no I won't break the nib of my pen just yet..... the day I do that would be my last on Earth.... my entire life is in my pen, I can't put it down.... it has to go on penning the deep thoughts and keep me alive for generations to come......

I shall live through my words for I am the Word smith that I am.

Confessions of an Unjust Lady: Life couldn't have been better....

Confessions of an Unjust Lady: Life couldn't have been better....: "Yup, a great career, an amazingly refreshing relationship with God, man and kids.... what else do I need to say... life couldn't have been b..."

Life couldn't have been better....

Yup, a great career, an amazingly refreshing relationship with God, man and kids.... what else do I need to say... life couldn't have been better.

I thank almighty God up there somewhere, though I believe he is always behind me , looking over my shoulders at what I am doing, the abominable spy, I say... lol.

Am thankful to the man in my life, for making every moment of it today , a beautiful tomorrow to look forward to. He is my Knight in shining armour indeed. He does everything to keep me happy and that's what matters... it shows he cares and will always be there no matter what. He is here, with me today , that is what is so beautiful and shows his caring nature.I love him ... he is my life... can't think of a life without him around me anymore. I have given him the sole rights to my life and times. I am married to him in mind and matter doesn't matter anymore...He is my whole and soul.

He comes to me and gets a package deal.... two lovely and beautiful kids with hearts of gold. It makes a complete family picture. The kids are the most adorable in the Universe.... Touchwood! They make our life rock... may they always be happy and successful in life.

My career is shaping up beautifully and I couldn't have asked for anything better than doing what I love to and believe in.... Education.

My life is an open book... come read it and learn the lessons of your lifetime. It's one filled with roller coaster rides, bumpy and dangerous.... you have to find your way through thick fog and wade through tides, but at the end you come out as a whole being... a satiated soul.

All the people associated with me right from my conception to this day helped shape the life I have led... and frankly looking back at everything , I am happy and there are no regrets. And, as my Man repeats my words... I have forgiven but not forgotten..... yup, learnt my lessons well but turned a blind eye to the torturers of my soul... given them the chance to better themselves and rejoin me in my quest for peace and happiness.

There can be no greater happiness than one where your state of being is in sync with the tunes of the world and you go on living happy, smiling always and spreading cheers all around you.

Love you for being there beside me today..... You are my man and I am your woman, together we create a beautiful world.... a beautiful life together.

Last blog... bidding adieu...

Yup, maybe my last blog... might not get time to write in future due to service exigencies and lack of time. Anyways the inspiration to write has been chopped down mercilessly.... my heart weeps as I bid adieu to my blogspot ... for a long long time to come... not a word may appear... seldom will something inspirational happen.... as and when it does... the blog will be sighted..... till then adiós... ciao... DASVIDANIYA...

Time and Place....

There is a time and place for everything.... I had my time in sunshine.... I lolled about, enjoyed every moment while I was sunbathing and soaked in all the goodness. But, too much of Sun, ain't good for you; so, it's time to just move on and find a place under the shade of a tree. A tree strong and supple, which stays grounded and never asks for more than your love and care. A tree, a soul that is there always no matter what... someone dependable.

Life is so much more than finding a mate. It's the soul that needs a mate not the mortal self. And, the search begins for some.... but me... I have so many soul mates to fall back upon... people who are there for me no matter what... dependable, honest people with no airs about them... they make my life rock.

The place to be in is NOW, the power of the Universe cannot be questioned. If destiny closes one door, another opens and its beckoning me with open arms.... come dissolve yourself in me... become one with me. Yes, it's time to immerse in the NOW and HERE.... the place I am meant to be in. My place in the sunshine and shade are reserved ...exclusive rights and boy am I glad... I have the best seats under the big blue sky and the starlit night. Whew! What an innings and what an opening..... the gates of heaven have opened up.... showering blessings upon me... the light has shown me the path.... the Gods have been so supportive.. love GOD  for his benevolence.... I have my family by my side and that is what matters the most... a family that loves you no matter what... a family that's there for you when you are down and out.... am happy, couldn't be happier and more blessed.

Maybe the heartbreak was meant to be, to teach me the value of my family in my life and about the conniving ways of the world. It was meant to remove the morsel stuck in my throat for decades... to shake me, wake me up from my reverie and tell me... hey dude... move on, there's no one there just your imagination.

There is a time and place for everything..... what was there has faded with time... it was just virtual reality... it brought out the best in you... now move on.... be selfish .... start caring for yourself not OTHERS.... they don't belong to be there with you... they chose death over you..... death of a beautiful relationship which was never meant to be. They were given that choice... the time and place... your time and a place in your heart and they just couldn't fit in there............ let them go... it was never meant for them.... your time, your heart is for someone more deserving..... someone waiting upon you... someone who loves you truly and would fight every demon be it anyone or anything; passionately, just for you... who wouldn't betray your trust and faith. Who would be there by your side no matter.... come what may... he would be there.. he won't leave you sobbing and hurting all alone. He won't seek pleasures elsewhere just because you aren't there, who would wait patiently upon you and your fair counsel. You have loved truly and given your best, have faith .... the doors of heaven haven't closed for you, they are open 24x7, just for you.

There is a time and place and that someone is just waiting to take you in his arms..... FOREVER.

Tell the heart... it's over... move on... let go.....IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE...

One does hurt.... but what the heck life goes on... newer avenues open up, new people to bond with. Forget the one who hurt you, move on says the mind and the heart follows suit. So easy to say and so difficult to implement, yet we need to do just that... Move on, let go.

Tell the heart, it's over... move on, let go... It was never meant to be. Had it been so, it would have borne fruition the first time itself. It didn't, it won't ever. You were never meant to be together, destiny or no destiny.... you can't live  a lie all your life.... he isn't worth your tears... it's over, move on. Steel your heart, do not let anyone hurt you again. You are not meant for these mere mortals... you are meant to do greater things in life... better yourself with each breath... become stronger with each moment.

Each moment henceforth, make yourself better and remind yourself never to make the same MISTAKE again. First time was a learning experience.. but I never learnt from it and made the mistake, a second time.... don't do it again... it will be catastrophe a third time. You never get so many chances at learning, you have been given this chance, don't squander it away. This time round, close all the doors... don't open them, no matter what... he doesn't deserve you at all. keep him as a memory, a lesson well learnt... that's all.

Don't give importance to someone who will never be there for you... someone who seeks cheap pleasure elsewhere. Move on....... tell that weeping heart to let go.... don't waste a tear no more... I know it's easier said than done, but do it... one step at a time... just do it... LET GO..... It was never meant to be.

The signs were all there, but I was blinded by his return. Now, it's clear, he is a spooky lost soul, searching for himself what he lost long time ago... his own doing... his folly. Let him be... he is lost forever to mankind... let him wallow in his sorrows all alone...Just let him be... he can never find happiness... he squandered it away... his own folly, his own doing.

Flow, be the rolling stone you were meant to be... do not gather moss.... just flow and merge into the ocean... that's were you belong... in the deep blue sea... your resting place.... the depths of which you have to explore, being a mermaid and sing songs on the rocky shores in moonlit nights. Songs, only you can hear.... the words that only you can comprehend... no more for others... The Nightingale is dead.... no more music flows forth it's throat... she has melted into the night and only a waft of her perfume remains.... to remind her loved ones that she is there for them and ONLY them, and no one else.

Life beckons with brighter prospects and I embark on a new journey ... all alone.... because, it's over and it was never meant to be.... sad but true..... a  harsh reality....

If I could...

If I could, I would steal a few moments of happiness.
If I could, I would fly like a free bird in the sky.
If I could, I would live life like never before.... like there was no tomorrow.
Only, if I could, I would.

Am a coward, because every time  I became bold...
I fell flat on my face.
Am afraid to try, because every time I tried ....
I failed.
Am scared, because every time I took the step forward....
I went back to square one... ground zero.

Yet, I brush the dirt from my dress and try again and again....
And, as always again and again I fail....
Yet, I try.... try harder still...
To bring a moment of happiness in my life...
Yet, the damn fool.... skirts me and goes into anothers' lap.

If I could, I would stop happiness from going elsewhere...
But, that's selfish and just not me.
I am made to sacrifice always.... I guess...
To remain single and walk away into the horizon all alone.

If I could, I would gather all my memories and go away ... far away.
But, my duties beckon me.... innocent smiles hold me tight.
And, I get carried away by my obligations and sigh in vain.
There's no two ways about it, I have to live for my flock....
Tend them, nurture them.... make a life for them.

If I could, I would certainly go all out and make all those mistakes....
All over again and yet remain smiling .... grinning from ear to ear.
if I could, i would surely look at life in a more positive manner.
If I could, i would be the last woman standing....
Battling every storm and calamity.... yet remaining calm within.

If I could, I would..... but am but a mere human....
With feelings and sensitivity....
I too have my demons to battle...
I too have my drawbacks to reason with....
I am but a mere human .... with humane feelings.

If I could, I would turn the tide...
If I could , I would turn back time...
If I could, I would... surely I would make this world a happier place to live in.

Only if I could, I would....

Shadow of myself....

I am but a shadow of my previous self. I have delved so much in self  pity that I no longer know who I am. I am dying a thousand deaths each moment for no fault of mine. My self esteem has taken a lashing so bad, that the wounds are open and can be seen by one and all. I have lost the smile that once dominated my facial features. I have become a zombie with no life at all. The hurt, the wound goes deep down and doesn't let me rest. Each moment is a heavy burden to live in shame and I am unable to surface from the gallows of melancholy aches.

I can't show my face to anyone anymore. My loved ones are hurting, seeing me hurt. I am thrashing and turning in a pool of tears that dry up in the eyes itself, lest someone sees them. Damn, what have I let myself into?

Thoughts of his smug smile at my sorry state tear me apart. Thoughts of his evil grin kill me each moment. What revenge did he have in his mind and for what, that he did this to me? Why did he use me ? Why did he hurt me again?  What have I done to deserve this? I was living my life, why did he come and destroy it once again?

I am afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid of every movement around me. I am startled by every sound that I hear. I am but a shadow of my previous self. He has left me shame faced and hurting. He has left me gasping for air. I don't know what to do, I am lost and spinning from here to there. Whatever little sleep I had, has forsaken me... I walk the night like a ghost in spite. I see no end to this sight.... I am hurting and find no light.

Every moment is a pain to live. Every moment brings memories in floods. Every moment is laden with guilt. Every moment is filled with silt. I want to run away, hiding my face in shame. I want to just go away, never to return. I am just a shadow of what I once was... the smile wiped off my face.