If I could...

If I could, I would steal a few moments of happiness.
If I could, I would fly like a free bird in the sky.
If I could, I would live life like never before.... like there was no tomorrow.
Only, if I could, I would.

Am a coward, because every time  I became bold...
I fell flat on my face.
Am afraid to try, because every time I tried ....
I failed.
Am scared, because every time I took the step forward....
I went back to square one... ground zero.

Yet, I brush the dirt from my dress and try again and again....
And, as always again and again I fail....
Yet, I try.... try harder still...
To bring a moment of happiness in my life...
Yet, the damn fool.... skirts me and goes into anothers' lap.

If I could, I would stop happiness from going elsewhere...
But, that's selfish and just not me.
I am made to sacrifice always.... I guess...
To remain single and walk away into the horizon all alone.

If I could, I would gather all my memories and go away ... far away.
But, my duties beckon me.... innocent smiles hold me tight.
And, I get carried away by my obligations and sigh in vain.
There's no two ways about it, I have to live for my flock....
Tend them, nurture them.... make a life for them.

If I could, I would certainly go all out and make all those mistakes....
All over again and yet remain smiling .... grinning from ear to ear.
if I could, i would surely look at life in a more positive manner.
If I could, i would be the last woman standing....
Battling every storm and calamity.... yet remaining calm within.

If I could, I would..... but am but a mere human....
With feelings and sensitivity....
I too have my demons to battle...
I too have my drawbacks to reason with....
I am but a mere human .... with humane feelings.

If I could, I would turn the tide...
If I could , I would turn back time...
If I could, I would... surely I would make this world a happier place to live in.

Only if I could, I would....

Shadow of myself....

I am but a shadow of my previous self. I have delved so much in self  pity that I no longer know who I am. I am dying a thousand deaths each moment for no fault of mine. My self esteem has taken a lashing so bad, that the wounds are open and can be seen by one and all. I have lost the smile that once dominated my facial features. I have become a zombie with no life at all. The hurt, the wound goes deep down and doesn't let me rest. Each moment is a heavy burden to live in shame and I am unable to surface from the gallows of melancholy aches.

I can't show my face to anyone anymore. My loved ones are hurting, seeing me hurt. I am thrashing and turning in a pool of tears that dry up in the eyes itself, lest someone sees them. Damn, what have I let myself into?

Thoughts of his smug smile at my sorry state tear me apart. Thoughts of his evil grin kill me each moment. What revenge did he have in his mind and for what, that he did this to me? Why did he use me ? Why did he hurt me again?  What have I done to deserve this? I was living my life, why did he come and destroy it once again?

I am afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid of every movement around me. I am startled by every sound that I hear. I am but a shadow of my previous self. He has left me shame faced and hurting. He has left me gasping for air. I don't know what to do, I am lost and spinning from here to there. Whatever little sleep I had, has forsaken me... I walk the night like a ghost in spite. I see no end to this sight.... I am hurting and find no light.

Every moment is a pain to live. Every moment brings memories in floods. Every moment is laden with guilt. Every moment is filled with silt. I want to run away, hiding my face in shame. I want to just go away, never to return. I am just a shadow of what I once was... the smile wiped off my face.

Nothing seems right...

Nothing seems right at all.
There is darkness everywhere.
This time round too, he left me high and dry.
He betrayed the trust I had in him.
He made me shun all....
Yet,he was the first to abandon the ship....
The rat that he is....
He left me gasping for air,...
Not knowing what to do.

I am hurting.. hurting real bad.
Nothing seems right at all.
he left me two decades ago...
Without telling why...
He came back, only.....
To hurt me and leave again.

Nothing seems right,
Nothing makes sense.
I am but a sad reflection....
Of dooms day prophecy.
He made a mockery of my love.
He turned it into one big joke.
I can see people laughing at my tomfoolery.
And, I am hiding...... ashamed of my mistake.

Nothing seems right... not right at all.
I am in pain immeasurable.
I am in condolence for the relation that died.
With it died a part of me, .....
Which will never live again.

Nothing seems right...........
Everything's a blur....
There is no direction...
There is no one to turn to...
There is no shoulder to cry on...
I cry alone....
Tears of blood I shed....
Tears that can't be seen.

Nothing seems right.... at all.

It's not fair, not fair at all ........

I am hurting at his shallow behaviour.
What did I do to deserve this?
I was living my life contented.
Why did he enter it again?
No, this is not fair.
It's not fair at all.

I believe every word she writes.
She writes from the depth of her heart.
She has lived with the monster that he is.
She knows him only too well.
I believe her, I do.
I share her pain.
we both loved  the demon in him.
We both were hurt by him.
It is not fair at all, not at all.

I am hurting... coz my loved ones are hurting more than me.
They trusted someone, I introduced.
They gave him the highest respect.
What did he do in return?
He broke all their trust and mine too.
It's not fair, not fair at all.

May he burn in hell for the treachery.
May his soul find no peace.
No lover should ever say such a thing.
But, he has brought it upon himself.
The wrath of a woman scorned...
The pain of a mother betrayed.
He shall find no solace anywhere...
He will always pine for true love all his life.

There is no pardon for such a rogue.
There is no life for such a thief.
He shall always cry alone and cry alone he shall.

It's not fair, not fair at all....
What he did to me......
What he did to my faith and trust...
He betrayed them all.

What a fool I have been........

I have  been a fool surely.... yes, I have been a fool lately.
I had faith and trust in  a monster.
Everybody said, No.... yet I defied them and believed him.
I have been but a fool for so long.
I trusted my instincts.
Guess they are rusted, I couldn't make out the guise in him.
I trusted him and he betrayed my trust.
I believed him against the good counsel of my dear ones.
I failed.
I have been robbed of my ability to trust anyone anymore.
Damn, what a fool I have been...........

Naa rahega...

Yeh roop naa rahega,
Yeh rang naa rahega,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera sang rahega?

Naa rahega chaand gagan mein,
Naa rahegi roshni chaman mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera saath rahega?

Naa rahega noor husn mein,
Naa rahega suroor dil mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera pyar rahega?

Naa rahega yeh jahan,
Naa rahega aasmaan,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera imaan rahega?

Waqt hai imtihaan ka,
Waqt hai ikhtiyaar ka,
Phi bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera dil bekarar rahega?

Haunted....

I am haunted by her hollow words.
They follow me everywhere.
Invariably everyday, I visit her poetry.
I am haunted by the words she writes.
I am haunted by the emotions she portrays.
I am haunted by her kohl rimmed eyes.
I am haunted....

Time moves on... Life goes on....

Time moves on.Two people who once waited upon each other, move on. Life becomes one big dreary road to travel all alone. People who once just couldn't keep their eyes off each other, now engulfed in life's process,go about doing their chores in their respective places,with hardly any time for each other.

Monotony sets in. Every thing gets done in auto. There is no telling, whether someone is going to be there when you really need them. There is no time, there is no date set...just a deep feeling he/she is going to be there, no matter what. But, it's so boring. There ought to be some fun, some spice, to liven up each moment of this short life together.

Is work so important? Is small talk with others so important when you know that there is hardly any time together? I don't think so. Make every moment beautiful and loving so that the one left behind can live with those memories. Memories which we create every moment of our life together in harmony with each other and others around us.

I wish today, I could turn time back, unwind the clock, push the needle of the clock back... stop the pendulum and let it remain frozen back to two and a half decades and rewrite our destinies. Rewrite our love story, from when you left so that you would never have left and we would have had a beautiful life together forever. I wish I could remove those scars from your memory and fill it with beautiful moments. Moments without regret and pain, moments of happiness and joy.

If wishes were horses, indeed I would have galloped away with you on one into the sunset long ago. I surely would do now, all you have to do is ride on one and come and take me away.But, wishes are wishes.... they seldom come true.

Time moves on.... it's own parabola.... life goes on... relatively, we remain frozen in our thoughts, as memories in their thoughts and as the favourite child of God, for eons to come. Favourite child of god? Do not raise an eyebrow, yes that's true... god tests his favourite child the most, always.

Move the moments of despair and discontent faster to welcome the new life of gay abandonment and laughter, full of genuine smiles. O Knight.... just claim your prize sooner. The separation causes anxiety and the new declaration pain. Time is of essence and value, we have only a few moments together. Let them come soon. Let us be happy for a moment but sooner than thought of, for I have no patience to stay away from from you any longer come hail or storm.

Time moves on... life goes on... Don't leave me behind, all alone... Take me with you, beginning NOW and forever, here and BEYOND. Let me be the Time Traveler's wife... let me travel with you from this life to after life.