Nothing seems right...

Nothing seems right at all.
There is darkness everywhere.
This time round too, he left me high and dry.
He betrayed the trust I had in him.
He made me shun all....
Yet,he was the first to abandon the ship....
The rat that he is....
He left me gasping for air,...
Not knowing what to do.

I am hurting.. hurting real bad.
Nothing seems right at all.
he left me two decades ago...
Without telling why...
He came back, only.....
To hurt me and leave again.

Nothing seems right,
Nothing makes sense.
I am but a sad reflection....
Of dooms day prophecy.
He made a mockery of my love.
He turned it into one big joke.
I can see people laughing at my tomfoolery.
And, I am hiding...... ashamed of my mistake.

Nothing seems right... not right at all.
I am in pain immeasurable.
I am in condolence for the relation that died.
With it died a part of me, .....
Which will never live again.

Nothing seems right...........
Everything's a blur....
There is no direction...
There is no one to turn to...
There is no shoulder to cry on...
I cry alone....
Tears of blood I shed....
Tears that can't be seen.

Nothing seems right.... at all.

It's not fair, not fair at all ........

I am hurting at his shallow behaviour.
What did I do to deserve this?
I was living my life contented.
Why did he enter it again?
No, this is not fair.
It's not fair at all.

I believe every word she writes.
She writes from the depth of her heart.
She has lived with the monster that he is.
She knows him only too well.
I believe her, I do.
I share her pain.
we both loved  the demon in him.
We both were hurt by him.
It is not fair at all, not at all.

I am hurting... coz my loved ones are hurting more than me.
They trusted someone, I introduced.
They gave him the highest respect.
What did he do in return?
He broke all their trust and mine too.
It's not fair, not fair at all.

May he burn in hell for the treachery.
May his soul find no peace.
No lover should ever say such a thing.
But, he has brought it upon himself.
The wrath of a woman scorned...
The pain of a mother betrayed.
He shall find no solace anywhere...
He will always pine for true love all his life.

There is no pardon for such a rogue.
There is no life for such a thief.
He shall always cry alone and cry alone he shall.

It's not fair, not fair at all....
What he did to me......
What he did to my faith and trust...
He betrayed them all.

What a fool I have been........

I have  been a fool surely.... yes, I have been a fool lately.
I had faith and trust in  a monster.
Everybody said, No.... yet I defied them and believed him.
I have been but a fool for so long.
I trusted my instincts.
Guess they are rusted, I couldn't make out the guise in him.
I trusted him and he betrayed my trust.
I believed him against the good counsel of my dear ones.
I failed.
I have been robbed of my ability to trust anyone anymore.
Damn, what a fool I have been...........

Naa rahega...

Yeh roop naa rahega,
Yeh rang naa rahega,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera sang rahega?

Naa rahega chaand gagan mein,
Naa rahegi roshni chaman mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera saath rahega?

Naa rahega noor husn mein,
Naa rahega suroor dil mein,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera pyar rahega?

Naa rahega yeh jahan,
Naa rahega aasmaan,
Phir bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera imaan rahega?

Waqt hai imtihaan ka,
Waqt hai ikhtiyaar ka,
Phi bhi mere huzoor,
Kya tera dil bekarar rahega?

Haunted....

I am haunted by her hollow words.
They follow me everywhere.
Invariably everyday, I visit her poetry.
I am haunted by the words she writes.
I am haunted by the emotions she portrays.
I am haunted by her kohl rimmed eyes.
I am haunted....

Time moves on... Life goes on....

Time moves on.Two people who once waited upon each other, move on. Life becomes one big dreary road to travel all alone. People who once just couldn't keep their eyes off each other, now engulfed in life's process,go about doing their chores in their respective places,with hardly any time for each other.

Monotony sets in. Every thing gets done in auto. There is no telling, whether someone is going to be there when you really need them. There is no time, there is no date set...just a deep feeling he/she is going to be there, no matter what. But, it's so boring. There ought to be some fun, some spice, to liven up each moment of this short life together.

Is work so important? Is small talk with others so important when you know that there is hardly any time together? I don't think so. Make every moment beautiful and loving so that the one left behind can live with those memories. Memories which we create every moment of our life together in harmony with each other and others around us.

I wish today, I could turn time back, unwind the clock, push the needle of the clock back... stop the pendulum and let it remain frozen back to two and a half decades and rewrite our destinies. Rewrite our love story, from when you left so that you would never have left and we would have had a beautiful life together forever. I wish I could remove those scars from your memory and fill it with beautiful moments. Moments without regret and pain, moments of happiness and joy.

If wishes were horses, indeed I would have galloped away with you on one into the sunset long ago. I surely would do now, all you have to do is ride on one and come and take me away.But, wishes are wishes.... they seldom come true.

Time moves on.... it's own parabola.... life goes on... relatively, we remain frozen in our thoughts, as memories in their thoughts and as the favourite child of God, for eons to come. Favourite child of god? Do not raise an eyebrow, yes that's true... god tests his favourite child the most, always.

Move the moments of despair and discontent faster to welcome the new life of gay abandonment and laughter, full of genuine smiles. O Knight.... just claim your prize sooner. The separation causes anxiety and the new declaration pain. Time is of essence and value, we have only a few moments together. Let them come soon. Let us be happy for a moment but sooner than thought of, for I have no patience to stay away from from you any longer come hail or storm.

Time moves on... life goes on... Don't leave me behind, all alone... Take me with you, beginning NOW and forever, here and BEYOND. Let me be the Time Traveler's wife... let me travel with you from this life to after life.

Lonely musings........

Faith, trust...........All these are just words....

Only words fathomed by one who has experienced them, lived them to the hilt.
Unless you have faith , how can you trust the other one?
It bogs me down to even delve deep into the innards of these emotions. Am transported to a different plane, a realm where all is hunky dory. All is based on an unwavering faith that he is going to be there for you always; No  matter what. A deep feeling that he will never cheat on you, won't lie to you ever..... but is it humanly possible for a person who has always lived a lie all his life... Whose every moment in life was a lie and whom no one trusts?

Every dawn begins with the thought, now what today? Every other night ends on a disappointed note. Is love all about ending up sad and lonely? There is a big crowd around me all the time, yet am lonely. Always searching for one that can fulfill me intellectually and emotionally. The one person whom I can be comfortable being in my skin with. It is a constant struggle to keep afloat in a world full of people so into themselves. A hinterland, where I do not belong. I drown each moment and try to surface all the time. Suffocating as it may seem, am loving the pain it gives me..... the ache to search all the time for my own identity, myself. It's a sadistic pleasure that I derive from my pain that gives me a high. Am high on that feeling all the time.

These words that flow forth from my mind, know no boundaries. There's no line drawn, where to end or to start them, but they just flow out and I end up putting them on my blog. Make no sense of it. It's just words that describe the confused state of mind I am in.... lonely and extremely melancholy. Am just taking it all out to lighten the burden on my soul.

I don't know, why I am writing all this. All I know is I want to lighten the burden  that's pulling me down and under. Trust me I just wrote it. There is nothing to it, just my state of mind. My life sucks.... that's it.

I am sorry......

I am sorry.

I got angry coz of a major misunderstanding. I was hurting and I withdrew into a shell. I know, It hurt you and our loved ones a lot. But, that's my way of dealing with stress and pain. I turn turtle. I hide myself and withdraw into a shell.

You are the best thing that can ever happen to a girl. You are so understanding and loving, ever forgiving. The kind of love you shower upon me, am not used to it. So much attention and care, I have not known... it scares me. What if, I get used to it and then you change. That is why I barricade myself up. Am afraid of losing you.

You are my life now... just like I am yours. But, there are times which test us.... bear with me, when I turn a recluse.... I am but human and a tad bit different from others, a bit crazy and a whole lot sensitive. Small things bother me, big things don't. Am a social recluse, a bit of a loner... it takes me time to open up and if I am in pain, then maybe a lifetime is also not enough to heal the wound.

Stand by me when I shut up and keep you out. Just be there. I will turn around someday, sometime. Just be there.

I am sorry.... for not comprehending your stance. I am sorry for hurting you so.

I  am sorry...... I love you a lot and I didn't mean to be mean at all. I derived no pleasure out of the silence that I opted for. I was trying to get my sanity in place.

When things go rough, give me time to reconcile. Don't lose your cool over my senseless actions... I am but a kid at heart (wink).... a label you have given me.

I am sorry.... I don't promise that the going will be smooth, but it's an uphill task bearing with my temper tantrums, hope you can keep pace with my tempo. It's one helluva bumpy ride for us.... just be there by my side.... bear the bumps and the aches and pains.

I love you for being there for me... Just be yourself... Don't change ever.