I ...

I ...
The person...
The individual...
The irrational being...
Yet a humane being...
I, the one with anger within...
I, the one with love within too...
I, the giver....
I, the undertaker...
I,... me,... myself....
Which one is me?
Which is the tormented soul?
Which is the evangelist?
A deep thought...
No answer...
Just questions...
No guide....
No checklist...
Just a design to carve....
A path to pave.

Where do I go from here?
Where have I reached?
No clues....
Just questions...
To which there are no answers.

I ...
I am a big question mark....
A query...
I ask myself each day....
Who or what am I?
Where does this journey end?
What do I achieve each day?
What do I end up being?

I am a butterfly....
Metamorphosing each day....
Turning within the cocoon...
Changing shape each moment...
Getting wings ...
Clipped wings...
How do I fly?
I need to fly...
To complete the cycle of life and death.

I need to fly...
Fly, fly, fly away.

Flashbacks....

Lightening flashes somewhere in the distant....Am transported to a different realm... A place I have been with him.... Lush green trees ... A land nestled amongst small hills... Fog, mist.... Misty eyed I turn around... He isn't there.... Just footprints in the mud.... Reminder, he was there once beside me... walking hand in hand... Mouthing odes to my beauty and expressing undying love. 


Flashbacks... The rains bring them on.... driving through the hills... dark night... not an inch ahead to be seen... treacherous turns... yet I was content and safe with him then and thereafter till today... When he ain't there and won't be forever.... He came like a whiff of perfume and left ... vaporized in thin air... I was left gasping for breath... Senseless and dead.

Flashbacks... Of the first night... the Lobster at Tunga, Hiranandani Powai.... The coffee at Aromas.... The meetings at CCD Hiranandani... The wantons at China Ming... The Hub and the late night movies... the holding of hands.... The sweet kisses... the culmination of two beings into one.. The promises of happily ever after... All a distant dream... Just flashbacks.

Remembering each moment... recalling each instance... a painful thought... but flashbacks are all I have.... memories that will keep me awake till the moment I finally close my eyes forever.

He had said... where are the ones who professed their love to you? I ask him... where are you? You professed your love to me too?

Flashbacks ... heavy sinking heart... and no respite... no where to go.... Just a living hell each day... smiling a fake smile for the world... yet weeping deep within.

He says...

He says he loves me...
He says he cares about me...
Yet, why is he so unsure?
Why is he so far?

He is there always...
But, far too far....
Too far to be called...
When in need.

He says ... he is there...
But, he isn't...
He is just a ghost...
 A reminder... from the past....
Of treachery and impotence...
Of guilt and anger.

No, he isn't there...
He can never be there...
He is gone...
Lost forever...
I don't see him...
I shall never see him.

Dust...

No matter what I do...
No matter How I do it...
The dust remains....
The human remains....
Difficult to erase memories...
Painful existence remains.

No matter what I do...
No matter How I do it...
The scars remain....
Reminding me each day ...
Each moment revisited....
Each pain experienced again and again and again...
Each moment, each day.

Life goes on....
People come and go..
I search for that face....
I keep looking....
Here, there, everywhere....
Disappeared... Vanished into thin air....
All that remains is memories...
The scars... The others...
The others who constantly remind you...
Of his treachery ...
You can only smile with a tear in your eye.

They ask... Why tears?

You say.... DUST....

Yeh rishta kya kehlata hai....

Tootey dhaagey...
Kachche dhaagey...
Ek khichanv...
Toot gaye...
Wapas jodey toh kaise joodey...
Jood naa paye kabhi....
Do ajnabee....
Ek dujey ke liye baney thei kabhi...
Aaj raah pe mil ke bhi mil naa payenge.

Yeh rishta...
Anokha bandhan...
Anmol rishta tha kabhi....
Aaj bus a bandhan hai....
Tootey rishton ka bandhan....
Galey se nikli ek awaaz ka saaz...
Jo kisi ne chipaa diya.

Allah nek hai...
Uparwala sab jaante huye bhi...
Nazarein pher raha hai...
Jaane kis janam ka ber hai...
Jo aaj meher aur karam...
Se marhoom rakh raha hai.


Do dil...
Jo ab shayad kabhi jud na payein...
Ek apni raah chala gaya...
Duja bhikhar kar reh gaya...
WEk aabad ho gaya...
Duja banjar or baanjh ban gaya.

Waah kya rishta tha...
Waah ji kya rishta hai....
Ek aabaad...Dooja barbaad...

Silent night...

Eerily silent night...
Suddenly am awakened...
By the piercing scream of a child...
My unborn ones.....
Screaming ....
Asking for justice....
Every night....
Through the day....
I go through hell....
I seek justice for the unborn....
The unborn whom he killed....
He killed with his lies....
He killed with an evil smile....
While I lay there...
Writhing in pain....
He killed my babies...
One by one...
I lay helpless....
In a hazy world...
He lay beside me....
In his world.

Silent nights....
Beckon me to seek revenge...
Blood for blood...
Every drop must count.
A tear for a tear....
Every drop must count....
An eye for an eye....
Every painful moment to be accounted for.

Crying my heart out....

Aloud...
Loud...
Open mouthed...
I want to cry my heart out....
I can't...
I want to...
Yet I can't.
Buried deep within...
Spurned by the devil....
My heart wants to shout out...
Scream ....
I want what was mine...
My self...
My self esteem....
My self confidence...
Give my life back to me....
Give my happiness to me....
Why did you take it all away...
I was happy and content....
In My life....
Why did you come?
Why did you lie to me?
Why you did...
What you did?
Why me?
Why?

Trembling lips...

Trembling lips....
Shivering lips...
Tears behind the lashes....
All asking one question...
WHY? WHY? WHY?

A lump in my throat....
Words fail me...
All I can utter is...
WHY? WHY? WHY?

All gaze upon me...
Asking ...
WHY? WHY? WHY?

A silent cry..
A silent symphony...
Sounding...
WHY? WHY? WHY?

Nothing exists...
No room...
No audience....
Just questions...
WHY? WHY? WHY?

A sign...
Just a sign...
Trembling lips...
Asking...
WHY? WHY? WHY?