I spread my wings and soar up high.....

I rested for a while......
 A long while......
And then, I spread my wings.....
And soared up high ....
High in the sky......
Trying to reach for the Sun.....
Trying to move between clouds....
I soared higher and higher..........
The surging thrust.....
The high speed.....
The wind stinging my eyes.....
The tears stealing a way through ....
The corner of my eye......
I close my eyes.....
My lashes soak up the tears.....
I squeeze them shut.... tighter...
And a drop escapes down my cheek.....
I stretch my wings.....
A pain rushes through my muscles.....
I stretch more..... tearing away at my joints......
I spread my wings ... I spread them more.....
I just want to fly away.... far very far.....
Don't know where.....
All alone....Yes, all alone.....
Higher and higher I go....
Where no one can reach me....
No one can hurt me........
My feathers are singed.....
The heat from the blazing Sun.....
Burns my face...
I am but a faceless self....
Unrecognizable to all.....
Now, you can't see me.....
You can't find me......
Am a nameless face amongst the millions....
Teeming the streets of my city.
 Been there, done that........
The adage applies to me....
Am the abominable rolling stone.....
As always rolling away...
Withering with the friction.....
Rolling away towards the end.

Suddenly, something large looms up.....
I don't see it coming....
I had squeezed my eyes shut....
Now, am hit on my head...
I tumble headlong.....
Down I go .....
Down into the ocean I dive.....
Never to surface again.

But, no tears.....
I did spread my wings....
I did soar up high......
I met my end....
Where I wanted it.....
In the depths of the ocean I cherish.....
I lived life....
I really lived it well.....
Albeit a bit late...
Yet I lived.....
No regrets.....
Only confessions before I go.....
Who knows what tomorrow stores....
In its mysterious shadows.

Why does every song remind me of you?......

Hmmmmmm...... Why? Why does every song remind me of you?

Every moment spent in your arms.....
Every blissful hour looking in your eyes....
The songs just say it all.....
Lay all my secrets out....
As though you were writing everything...
Each moment I shared with you.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

You are there besides me....
even though you are far apart...........
 I see you in every bit of nature.....
I see you in every eye....
You are there watching me always....
Am not far apart.....
Just a physical distance....
Two hearts beating in one mind.....
Why does every song remind me of you?

Every word has a meaning....
As though you have told them all...
 Laying bare your heart and soul....
I look for you in every song.....
You are there always..... whenever I need you....
You are aware or not....
But every word I write, I write for you.
Every song reminds me of you ..... yes they do....

It's not the age that sets us apart....
It's not the distance....
It's our differences....
That have brought this moment upon us.....
Yet, far apart......
We keep an eye on each other.....
We care.... yes we do...... yet we cannot be together.....
Blame it on our destinies....
Written by our actions of yesterday......
Yet we love each other unconditionally.....
 We are never far away.

Every song.... every word reminds me of you......

Sparkle says.......

I never left you..... we just drifted apart.
 Am always there... all you have to do is shout out.....
And I shall be there besides you....
You are still family.....
Families never break.....
It's just times that change....
People don't.....
We remain what we are.....
Circumstances change......
Feelings don't......
Remember , I am always there......
All you have to do is call for your family....
And the family will be there.
Sparkle had lost her sparkle.....
She has found it again.....
The glint in the eyes ........
And the sprint in the walk tells all.....
She will never forget you......
The earrings will never let her.....
Nor will the sea green banarasi saree......
Ever leave her wardrobe.....
They all remind her day in and day out.....
Of a beautiful and pure relationship....
A pure and pious man.....
The songs and melodies......
Echo deep within.....
And sparkle knows it all.
Sparkle lost her way.....
Sparkle found her way......
But she lost out on the diamond .....
That was the sparkle in her life.
But deep within....
Sparkle knows.....
She still loves you....
Sparkle has loved and lost many a times....
None left a deeper impact.....
The scar from your separation....
Eats into her conscience.....
But she was true through it all....
A misunderstanding.....
Broke it all......
Yet she stood tall......
In the hope you would understand her stance.....
The distance didn't do much to help....
And we grew apart.
Sparkle reads what you express....
Each day.... looking for a fresh new blog....
She knows, you would let her know....
Through your words of wisdom....
The state of mind you are in....
She still keeps in touch with you....
Although from the shadows within.
Each day, she hopes and prays for your health....
Each day she sends her energy to you.....
She may be in another realm....
Yet she remembers you.
Sparkle says.... thank you.....
Thank you for remembering me......
Hope to meet you again....
As the best of friends that we were.
You made music for me....
I heard you then...
Today I understand it.....
And miss your smile....
Which was the turning point in life....
Am not ashamed of what I feel....
Coz these are feelings pure....
Unabashed I say it all....
You were there then....
You are here now.....
You never left the chamber of heart....
You were locked within.....
Today I unlock the key....
You are a free bird again.
Soar , soar up high...
O' Bird of paradise.....
Rise , rise up and above....
Your time has come....
You have my wishes to carry you through....
Every lake and barrier....
You are a free spirit....
That cannot be locked anywhere.....
Land or the hemisphere....
You are the spirit of love....
You are the spirit of freedom.....
You have no fear.....
That is why you were dear....
Dear then and now too....
Only the equation is very clear.....
You shall always remain in my thoughts....
Never shall you be afar.......
You know which door to knock.....
When you want your family near.

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !

Arjun Sharma: Thanks a lot SPARKLE !: "There are times that I sit and wonder what will become of life. Through good times and bad, Autumn leaves fall and a cool wind gusts by, I s..."

Retro mood.....

Yup in a retro mood..... listening to old depressing hindi songs and remembering all the souls whom I met in my journey of life and left behind..... not my fault.... they couldn't keep pace with me.. I had to move on.... lest they see that I was hurting too, leaving them behind in my quest to look for myself... to search for me.......... all that mattered was me.... no one else............ so selfish yet so selfless........

Confessional mode of operation...... letting it all out........... just like that..... It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul and yet expect the other person to understand your stance in a relationship....no holds barred yet no strings attached.

We all have our demons attached to our souls that just remain there, stuck to your persona.... never letting go.... a knot in the string that doesn't allow you to go back but cajoles you to move on....... keeping that ache within, tears at bay not dropping a drop, lest the world thinks you are a weakling..... a brave front for the world to see.... yet bleeding within...... heavy heart and heavy footsteps... egging your soul to move on .... move on I did.... but a resolve to never let anyone hurt me again... ever.

When you came back in my life.... I was apprehensive, but you told me you were back for good..... but, where are you? You are lost even to yourself............ I can't connect with you anymore...... I can't let you take me for granted..... I need to move on........ you were my past and today your actions prove that you really were my past and should have remained buried in the confines of my consciousness not surfaced to hurt me again. Your assurances seem empty, they mean nothing at all..... so empty .... resonating within an empty vessel.... hurting me again. It is but right.... why did I give you the right to hurt me all over again? My fault, not yours..... can't blame you....this is the only medium through which I know I can let you know that you have hurt me again.... unknowingly or knowingly.... only you know best. Your demons got the better of me in this relationship..... a floundering one.... in a deep abyss..... maybe never to surface again.

Unstring me...... uncuff me.... let me go........I want to be left alone........I guess am made for melancholy solitariness and the life of a gypsy... thirsty for knowledge and a lonely journey forward.......

What a mood!!!...... Retro mood.......baring it all........the fangs that would make anyone bleed tears of blood... But, what to do....am like this ....hence this confession.

Sea green Banarasi Saree...

While cleaning the cupboard today, I spotted the sea green banarasi saree, gifted by a dear one long time ago. That set the thought process in motion.... rewind mode.

Come to think of it, it was a beautiful relationship while it lasted..... an artist, a musician..... a netizen, an IT professional and above all a humane human being. Someone who cared deep enough not to hurt you in any way and took it all upon himself and just faded away. But, the memories remain of a pure relationship..... One where a woman was respected for who she was and never misused.... never abused.... left  intact and self respecting.

The saree reminds me of the care and concern the person had for my feelings and the lengths he went to procure it for me. It's a unique colour and blend of green and blue....... makes it seem like made for a mermaid.

Yup, am the mermaid that dived into the sea and got lost in the depths of the ocean. A ocean so deep, that he couldn't find her again.... she was lost forever.... I was lost forever.... there was no turning back.... I couldn't, the distance just grew  and we grew apart..... never to meet again.

This happens to me all the time.... in every relationship..... I just run away from love after a while.... it gets too overwhelming for me ...... am not cut out for relationships..... they are just not for me......can't give myself away just like that......why am I like this? Why do I run away from life? Why can't I embrace it with its various hues and colours?

The Sea green Banarasi Saree.... it made me think and I am thinking..... an introspection for a day rife with the gloomy weathers grey shades. What is it that I seek? Certainly not companionship.....Then what? Myself? Am I lost somewhere? That little girl..... who grew up on a whole lot of love and affection.... a spoilt brat for the rest of the World yet a great and true friend for a select few........... A mother with her trials and tribulations..... a daughter, a mother..... where am I? All other relationships melted away in the oblivion............none sustained for lack of commitment from my side...... seeking myself in every nook and corner..... every brook and river...... finally merging into the sea....... that's where I really belong....... lay me to rest there..... my final abode..... maybe it is that which I seek and nothing else.... My final abode.

The sea green saree made me think and I thought......

My heart bleeds with the rains....

My heart bleeds when it rains..... reminds me of the pain locked within... which gets unlocked with the key of rain mixed with thunder and lightening.

The rain washes away the pain..... a momentary respite.....a needed break. My words are incoherent yet with deep felt meanings for the one who needs to understand what I really mean.

Am hurting. The pain never subsides. It ebbs ... comes and goes... leaving me drained and fatigued.

The past wells up in my eyes as tears, to be washed away by the droplets of rain.  A pain only a heart that has genuinely felt pain can understand. These are not frivolous words nor are these words to flatter. They have a meaning, a message to convey..... My hurt is an integral part of my life...no matter what happiness you give me... my hurt shall raise its hood over and over again.  Can you deal with that? Can you deal with my demons? Can you deal with my mood swings? Can you deal with my spoilt brat status? Can you deal with my  
many vices? No one can..... we need to deal with our problems on our own especially when you keep yours to yourself... not letting me in on your problems..laughing them off yet keeping aloof...maintaining a distance.

I can deal with every thing but not the distancing. It confuses me about what's playing in your mind. It scares me to death not knowing what hotch potch is going on in your head.

My heart shouts out to you.... the sound drowns in the rain... and I stand alone yet again... all alone.

Misty hills.....

Tonight I am reminded of the misty hills, the heights you took me to and we disappeared in the foggy night.... merged with the creatures of the dark and reveled in exploring the realms of each others being.

A night to remember, never out of mind...... a romantic setting on a humid moonless night.

The journey to the destination, a long winding one, over treacherous terrain. Yet, you made it seem so smooth and effortless while paying full attention to me and what I said.  What are you? Human or robot? You have feelings yet you do not express. If your music be your form of expression , so be it. Am all set to understand you through that medium.

You said it's hard for you to express via public display of affection , yet every pore of your body screams and says you love me, else you wouldn't do what you do for me.... you make me smile every moment.

Nah, am not putting two and two together..... it's already there, the signs and the emotions, the expression is missing yet the acts spell it all.

Am waiting patiently to hear you say what I yearn to hear..... Misty hills, et al... are but a part of that love story.... waiting to unfurl if all goes well.... else another silent heartbreak and no one hears the shatter at all.... another love story goes in the trash bin before being written.

But, of course, misty hills will flood my memories.... and you shall come floating in the picture again .... but just a fleeting glimpse ....coz I would have moved on.....

There can be no other feeling greater than being in love......or have I just been imagining it all..... a mirage... a false picture...... a fleeting glimpse....coz am stuck in a time warp.....

I just rewind and go back to the misty hills..... as though my soul has been left behind there.... in that moment of happiness I roam the hills searching for you like a ghost in  a lonely stretch of forest.

Misty hills.... am lost somewhere there.............