Unsure moments........

There are moments when am not sure whether he is really interested in me. Those are the trying moments when I turn melancholy and go into a pensive mood. A mood that makes me wonder whether what I am doing is right. How can I  make one person my whole and sole. A rhetoric of emotions where am always wondering whether he really is into me or just playing around.

 Am not sure.... Unsure moments.

There are moments when he goes all out and is there for me and moments when I need him and he isn't there at all. What a dilemma? Always wondering whether what I am doing is right or not.

Guess I need to take a call and get out of this uncertainty. Need to buck up. Can't keep my life on hold for one person. Need to move on. Can't waste my time waiting upon a person unsure of himself.
This insecurity is killing me. Every moment am contemplating telling him I want to call it quits. But, am unable to do so. Unsure moments... unsure emotions... unsure musings.

Those moments whence he showered his undivided attention on me are mere memories to me which bring a wry smile on my lips .... that's all. It has no meaning now, when I need him he ain't there. What's the use of remembering a bygone era... moments that are not going to come back again.

Unsure moments for me.... a big decision to make.

And, I thought I was the only one.....

Yes, I thought I was the only one...
But I was all wrong....
An assumption gone awry.....
Dreams shattered and heart broken...
I lay there on the bed....
Looking up at the ceiling....
Muttering to myself...
And, I thought I was the only one.

Dark eyed from lack of sleep...
Stammering a few words...
I walk into the walk of life.....
A hollow self of mine...
Everyone notices....
The stagger in the walk.....
They all can feel the alcohol in my breath....
I tried to drown my sorrows in it.....
I tried to stifle my cries....
I tried in vain to camouflage....
The everlasting pain.
And, I thought I was the only one.....
When there was another...
Lurking in the shadows....
Behind your veiled eyelashes....
And, seriously all along....
I thought you loved me only....
Whence all you ever wanted from me....
Was a moments pleasure.....
A feeling of having conquered ...
And gained the most prized possession...
I ain't no jewel in your crown...
I ain't the doormat you seek....
I am every woman.....
And I walk away from you....
Today and forever, I shall never speak...
Coz' I know..... I ain't the only one...
I can never be.....
I have learnt my lesson well....
You are history Mister....
You do not feature anywhere.....
In my list of favourites anymore.
And, you thought you were the only one?

Love knows no bounds......

Love knows no bounds....
No age ... no caste... no creed...
It is just a pure sensation.....
A feeling running through your veins....
A river flowing in your body...
Boundless by time....
Limitless by emotions....
Feelings that hold forth...
A promise for a beautiful time to come.

Love knows no bounds....
I have seen it happen .....
Over and over again....
Every time a new experience....
A new game to begin....
Game because....
That's how it begins and ends....
And I term it love.....
Is it truly love?
Only time can tell...
But each time a deep imprint was left....
Each time I cried....
Each time.... I mourned....
The death of a relationship....
Each time I bid it adieu...
Each time it grew and grew.....
A monster, they call Love.

Love knows no bounds....
And yes I have loved....
A thousand men....
I have lost count.....
A thousand kind souls...
A thousand broken hearts somewhere....
But I broke too....
I broke my promise to myself each time....
Yet I was in a relationship always....
Falling in love but never in grace....
Coz' I am meant to love... not grieve...
I am meant to pick up the threads...
And move on....
Move on I shall each time...
Go on loving each time.

Love knows no bounds....
No walls ....
No age... no caste... no creed and no colour.

Oops! I did it again....

Oops! I did it again.....
I promised myself...
I won't fall in love....
And I did......
So here I am.....
Once again in a soup.....
Oops! I did it again.

The heartache has begun.....
The pain is back....
I fell in love...
And hurt myself once again.....
Another number added to the long long list...
As you would like to put it...
It should make you glad.....
Am off your back.
You are free to go....
Wherever you came from...
Wherever you wanna go...
Never the one to hold anyone back....
I set you free....But...
Did I ever shackle you?
No, I didn't  do that...
Am not the kinds to tie anyone...
Am the one who lets you remain free...
Oops! I did it again..
Sorry dear heart of mine...
I know you are feeble and not fine...
I can't help but fall in love....
For you are made to give....
Just one more time.....
Brave the pain....
I promise....Dear heart...
Never to fail you again....
I swear, love is not for me....
I realise after the fall.....
It's from our mistakes we learn...
I seem to forget all the time.

Oops! I did it again.....

No clarification to give or needed............

Need no clarification....
Nor feel the need to give one....
That's how I am...........
Unpredictable, just like you.

No assumptions...
I ain't assuming.....
Done with all that before....
Am in no mood at all....
No mood for arguments....
No mood for clarifying....
I am just like that....
Take it or leave it....
Like it or lump it.

My life sucks...
I have no choice...
I made the choice....
And am paying the price for it...
A lifetime of struggle....
To create an identity I lost.....
Am lost n this maze....
That you call life....
It ain't for me.....
I am made for pain....
And that's what you get....
When you hold my hand...
A lifetime of pain.

Let me be by myself....
Or come join me....
The choice is yours to make....
Not my liberty to take.

I have nothing to lose...
You would have to stake....
All that you've got....
To be by my side....
I don't think you are ready for that.............
It's a rough road to take....
Too many potholes...
Not ones you can navigate.

So, be the free bird that you are...
Let me be alone....
I was made for solitary life....
Not a companion  to take.

No clarification to give or needed.....
Go live your life your way.....
Lemme walk alone my way.

On a day like this......

On a day like this, when people the world over are catching up on friends and relations..... my own friends are sending messages and trying to bond with me.... Why am I so sad? Why have I switched off? Why am I hiding?Why am I shying away from responding? What is it that I am covering up? Why...........

Why am I listening to depressing songs making me feel horribly miserable? Damn this state of being.....

On a day when everyone is bonding... why am I aloof?

Where has my sense of humor gone? I need to bring it back to bounce back else I shall sink..... sink in the quicksand of depression...... Now's not the time for that.... I have only just begun....... Can't get pulled down by setbacks and heartbreaks.....

Guess, this song by Dido sums it all up for the time being....

Nothing that I have is truly mine.... Dido

Yes, my life is for rent.....And, I don't like to buy.... Nothing I have is truly mine... DIDO...

That sums up what I am feeling and am .............

Miserably blogging my blues away............Painting a new picture again....

The best thing to do.... Love yourself... you will never end up hurting yourself. People come and go.... you shall remain with yourself..... The self remains.

Miserable.... is the word of the day. Feeling utterly miserable, thanks to this ever believing heart that believes every lie it is told and then ends up down in the dumps ultimately. Have been a fool ... so to say... made a terrible fool out of myself.... a laughing stock in front of others.... Believing something which was not there and the message was clear.... I was just time pass.

The hurt goes deeper than I thought it would......it's unbearable... am feeling miserable to the extent of looking for a place to hide my face in shame. I just need to get away from all this.... maybe walk away from what exists and go far away... easier said than done.... my responsibilities don't allow me this freedom... and I shall remain miserable ....knowing well the bone of contention is around.

The situation gets worse when you can't even cry lest someone sees your tears and you are considered weak.

A turmoil deep in the recesses of a bleeding heart .... a struggle to bring a false smile on your face that has lost all its glow and glory.

Seriously, why can't I just let go and swear never to give anybody a chance to ever break my heart again and again. I need to make myself an armour of steel.... Iron lady.... Ice maiden... that's the solution..... nothing and no one can penetrate that wall and I shall be safe and single again. What a blissful feeling it would be... no one to look forward to.... no one to say anything to.... no one to belong to... lonely, melancholy and all by myself and blogging away about nonsensical stuff and people who no more matter in my life. Is that so? Is that reality... or am I creating a wall around myself and turning into a recluse the same one that I was a while ago. But, at least I wasn't hurting then,,, is that so? I was hurting then,,,, am hurting now.... and shall always hurt coz I am  human and I have loved and lost and I shall make the same mistake over and over again.... loving and losing is a beautiful game.... my favourite game.....Time to just let go and move on.... I don't need to explain myself.... I have done no wrong... your notions and assumptions held you back.... remain there..... I can't sit still.... am not still waters am the river .... I can't stop and rest at  a place.... I move on.... go with the flow... I have no destination ...... am sometimes calm and sometimes wild ..... That's who I am.... You are a solid rock.... I take  a piece of you with me and you are left behind as I move on. Move on ... I must... That's my destiny..... and I make my destiny today.... and henceforth.

Whew! What an outburst..... Am feeling empty within. Blank..... Erased.

Let me get my easel, paints and brush and start painting a new picture again...........