And the journey begins.....

Today I embark on a journey of self realization and self actualization. I start to recognise myself as an individual on my own... a force to reckon with.... an identity that has created itself and carved a niche' for herself in this big bad world.

Today, I promise myself happiness.... my self and my freedom. Today, I let go of all my weaknesses . I won't let anyone take me for granted, I am me, myself and need my space. I have given enough of myself and now it's payback time. Pay up or leave me alone. I don't trust you , I trust my instinct and it says stay away from the evil one.... Steer clear of the devil. You are the devil, the very reincarnation of Satan, I can see it... I won't let you pull me down... or pin me down.You have raped me of my sanity.... No more shall you rule the roost.... you are a non entity in my life as of now.... I am over and done with you.

And , lo behold!... The journey begins.... I know not what lays ahead... all I know is that I embark on this path all alone.. with the intention of covering the distance all alone in tranquil peace and harmony with myself.

Walk away, if you want to.......

Walk away, if you want to.....
Run away, if you want to...
Am not coming after you....
That's me, the one with a heart of stone.

You are free to live your life....
The way you have always lived.....
Am no one to bind you....
Coz' I too live life on my terms......
And that don't include being in bondage.

You have made your choice....
I have made mine too....
Am totally blanked out....
Memories erased.....
None to keep me awake waiting for you....
None to make me remember you.
You are just another name....
Another person in the room....
Not someone once I knew....
There is nothing.....
No feeling, nothing at all....
Walk away..... You have already done that....
I shall walk the other way.

Sometimes.........

Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that makes me tick...
Sometimes I wonder...
What is it that inspires me....
What is it beyond the yonder....
That is my pulse ....
And my heartbeat.

Sometimes I wonder...
Whether what I am doing is right or not..........
Sometimes... just sometimes I pinch myself....
To feel the sharpness of my nails....
To feel real....
To feel alive... and kicking....
Sometimes ... just sometimes... I want to experience....
Who I truly am.

Sometimes... I want to peel off that mask.....
I want to be without the make up....
That hides the fine lines of experience... good and bad...
Sometimes.... just sometimes....
I want to look my natural self.....
A beautiful, genuine human being...
Naked in her thoughts...
Naked and open in her opinions....
Just myself....
Sometimes... I just wanna be me, myself.

Sometimes I believe....
In the power that lies within...
Sometimes I believe in myself...
But those moments are rare...
More are the moments ....
When I am down and out...
Bogged down by the moralities of life....
Morality set by an insane society....
Morality that degrades...
Morality that has no moral values....
Morality that is unjustified....
Morality that sometimes.....
Can mean the end of any relationship...
Morality that has no meaning....
Sometimes I believe...
We live in a moral society....
Based on it's own baseless thoughts.

Sometimes... I want to fly....like a bird......
Sometimes I want to swim ... like a fish....
Sometimes I wanna be free.....
Free and dancing in gay abandon....
Rejoicing the gift of life.....
Sometimes... just sometimes....
I want to be free.....
Free from the age old bondage of being a woman.

Sometimes.... sigh!.... Sometimes.....

The swagger in my walk...

The swagger in my walk...
Shows how confident I am...
The lilt in my voice....
Shows how at ease I am....
The look in my eyes .....
Though give me away....
The look of a woman ...
Scorning the rest of the lot....
The look that says....
I am above you all.

The swagger in  my walk...
The steps that I take...
The quiet heel down and the tip toe ...
Shows am a lioness on the prowl.

The cool look in my gaze...
Hot enough to put you in a daze.....
The looks of a killer.....
The dazzled eyes and their sparkle....
It could kill anyone...
If I wanted to...
But I don't care...
Coz' am above them all.

The smile on my lips....
Something that they look forth to...
A billion dollar smile....
A 24 carat shine...
A thousand watt brightness....
A smile to die for....
Countless lost their hearts to it....
Countless more to go....
When will all this narcissism end...
Who knows...This is just the beginning...
Am all set for a new match...
A brand new innings.

The swagger in my walk...
The smile on my lips...
The twinkle in my eyes....
The confidence in my stride....
It says all....
Guess what....
This is the brand new gala day...
When I go ahunting again....
The maneater from Kumaon....
Am known not just like that.

Towards the end....

Towards the fag end of the day....
I guess you can't call it quits....
Until it is well done.....
Until you really mean it.
Towards the end of a relationship...
When all else is crumbling around you...
When you see your whole world....
Washed away in your pitiful tears...
You just can't give up....
Give up you must....
If there is no response....
Give up you must when you find no respite...
Just give up... towards the end of the day....
Let go.... let them be.
Towards the end...
You will sense a wave of relief....
Take over and override everything else....
Towards the end....
You will find your salvation.
If this is The End....
So be it....
Am game for a new beginning.....
Am longing for a new dawn.
Towards the end...
Nothing matters at all...
 No emotions, no feelings....
Just a numbness....
A cold start to a fresh new day....
A revving of the spirits....
Gunning for a new dawn....
A new experience...
A new beginning....
A new seed sown....
A new ray of hope....
Someday, sometime, someone would be there....
Till then...move on... keep going...
That's what the heart says...
That's what the mind says....
The eyes just get blinded....
Is it a tear or the dew drops...
I do not know...
All I know is a warm feeling....
Trickling down my cheeks.
Towards the end....
My tears mingle with the August rain....
I walk... walk alone into the sunset.

Priorities......

Guess I need to prioritize....
Who's gonna be beside me.....
Who am I gonna meet...
Who it is that I give my time to...
I really need to draw the line....
The fine line.... that decides....
Who is in and who is out.

I need to see that....
I don't waste my time waiting...
For people, in whose priority list I don't feature....
What a waste of beautiful moments...
Waiting for someone who will never be there.....
Never be there for me ever...

I really need to prioritize....
Learnt my lesson well....
Twiddling my thumb...
Waiting upon someone...
Who had priorities set right....
Guess am just a back up plan for lonely nights....
And bored days...
Need to set my limits....
Keep people off limits....
Not giving them an inch...
To take me for a ride again.

I have set my priorities too....
And I guess you don't feature......
In the to do list no more...
You set your priorities...
And, now I set my own.

Couldn't have been possible....

Whatever that has happened so far in my life could have been avoided if I had followed the common path.... I didn't.... I made my own trail in the concrete jungle.... a trail that leads to nowhere yet reaches me somewhere. I don't expect anyone to follow suit, not even my kids.. they should carve a life out for themselves... I am just an example of what can happen if you rebel and go your own way... try it.... take it or leave it... I ain't no one to give advises.... I ain't the sort to guide.... I ain't the one to lead you.... I take you with me in my experiences first hand... I myself do not know what lays ahead but I know, am game for some adventure always.

All this couldn't have been possible for me had people not come and gone out of my life.... poof.... one moment there and the next gone.... vaporized.... but yet the experiences I felt with them... in their company for a brief while, shaped my destiny and my today. No hard feelings for anybody... but a heart felt thanks for being there for a moment and then moving on and giving me my space and time to breath.

I am what I am coz' of my experiences and am glad of those moments that changed me and my outlook on life. Am happy with whatever cards life dealt me.... feel like a winner all the way.... I gambled all my life.... am still gambling it.... the maverick that I am.

There is not a single thought of remorse.... no thought at all... just a blank page that I fill in each day with my new experiences daily.... and then erase it all and fill in again. A never ending story to be written each moment till my last breath.

All this couldn't have been possible if I didn't have a family supportive enough to forgive every rebellion of mine, to overlook every mistake I have made so far..... a family that loves me no matter what.... come hail and thunderstorm they have stood by my side.... never letting me fall.... I stumbled and they supported me..... They made it possible for me to brush off the dirt from my dress and move on.... egging me on..... That's what family is for.... Unconditional love.

If I am what I am , I am coz' of my kids, who took in all my experiences good or bad in their stride, always by my side and their snide remarks and jokes about my countless affairs.... kept the humour strong and supple and the mood light. The first ones to know the condition of my heart and the beats .... they are my pillars of strength.

All this couldn't have been possible .... but for all these people and the influence they have had on my life.... my friends, my foes ..... my family, my kids..... and my ever romantic infallible heart.

Unsure moments........

There are moments when am not sure whether he is really interested in me. Those are the trying moments when I turn melancholy and go into a pensive mood. A mood that makes me wonder whether what I am doing is right. How can I  make one person my whole and sole. A rhetoric of emotions where am always wondering whether he really is into me or just playing around.

 Am not sure.... Unsure moments.

There are moments when he goes all out and is there for me and moments when I need him and he isn't there at all. What a dilemma? Always wondering whether what I am doing is right or not.

Guess I need to take a call and get out of this uncertainty. Need to buck up. Can't keep my life on hold for one person. Need to move on. Can't waste my time waiting upon a person unsure of himself.
This insecurity is killing me. Every moment am contemplating telling him I want to call it quits. But, am unable to do so. Unsure moments... unsure emotions... unsure musings.

Those moments whence he showered his undivided attention on me are mere memories to me which bring a wry smile on my lips .... that's all. It has no meaning now, when I need him he ain't there. What's the use of remembering a bygone era... moments that are not going to come back again.

Unsure moments for me.... a big decision to make.